Heart's Desire

Pure morning woke me up by Placebo. A song of the ages I agree.

As I finally raise up; the thought of him is still on my mind. No thinking. Just doing. I swing my legs over my bed, pulling my head into my small hands.

My hands tremble as I stood up. Three days. Three days I disconnected my self and soul from the 'outside world' I was in my own world; the world of fairy tales and love stories. I wanted to stay, oh I so desperately wanted too, but I could not. I should get back into the 'real world'. I have work. I have college. I don't have him.

I pull my robe tight against my body as I walk down the glass stairs towards the kitchen area.

My mother welcomes me with a small smile, my father welcomes me with a cup of coffee and well I did not expect that my brothers would welcome me as well. Michael, Greg and Chris.

"Morning Jessica." Michael says with his brow arch. Aching to ask me why I am here. But Michael is Michael he does not speak un less he is told to.

"Dad," I sigh heavily sipping on the steaming coffee. "I need some money."

My father's head shot up utterly confused by his daughter's statement. "What's wrong honey?"

I shook my head to one side but retreat it back to its position. "I want to move out of the dorms and I want to get an apartment off campus."

The reason was clear to me; I did not want too walk into Carter on every corner of the school. Reason to my family I was running. Half truths can ruin someone. But they don't need to know the book, to understand it. All i gave them these few days were chapters. Not the beginning nor the climax of my story. I am not even sure if this was my climax; the 'me' finding out he has a wife. Or is my story still uncompleted and am I still at Chapter One?

"How much?" My mother asks grabbing a little black book out of her neatly cut black blazer.

"Twenty five?" I ask more than say. It was a large amount of money for someone who actually needed it. It was play money for the Lawson's.

Her pen clicked writing the amount in the small box. "Sure this is enough?"

"Yes mother."

"Are you okay Jess?" My elder brother Greg asks.

I turn to him and gave a slight nod. "I am awesome." The sarcasm of that three words were still dripping down my mouth.

"I will be leaving this afternoon, Michael mind driving me to the airport?"

My brother rolled up his sleeve eyeing his expensive Rolax. "I have a lunch meeting at twelve. Is one good?"

"Yes. Thank you." Giving him a small smile.

"Let's have some breakfast," my mother sings. "Together as a family."

I and my brothers nodded.

•~•

Stanford was full of people running around; in their own world like me; studying and passing that was the two main priorities here at Stanford.

I grip my bag tight walking to 'Crawford Hall' where my dorm room is.

"Hey Jess!" Mark waves riding his skate board up and down in the campus.

"Hey!"

I walk in seeing all the familiar faces. I got twenty three 'hello's' and 'hey's' in the thirty seconds I arrived.

The dorm room's door was open wide. Katy Perry blasted making everyone hear her teenage dream. I never had in fact mine.

As I step inside I see my roommate Mandy on her bed, putting deep red polish on her toenails. "Hello." I announce myself.

Her head shot up, "I thought you were dead."

"I am still kicking." I place my suitcase on my bed.

"How was Vegas?"

"Good. How was NYU?"

"Good."

This was the first time I grab my phone and put it on. The white screen turned black and my family was on my screen saver. The little blue box covering our faces say that I have over 20 missed calls and 39 text messages. I tap my screen seeing all was from Carter.

I open the first one; it was send just after I left for Las- Vegas.

* Carter Grey-It is not what you think.*

The rest was plain and simple nothing what I expected. Like a simple 'I love you' just an 'I need you'

Without looking at the others I cleared my in-box and place it on the drawer.

"You are graduating in a few months," I started. "And I don't want a new roommate so I decided to take my leave and move off campus." I bit down on my lip putting my hands in my jean pockets.

Mandy's eyes narrows as she grabs a wet wipe from her drawer. "When are you leaving?"

"After the semester and when final exam is over." I answered.

"Reasonable." She nods leaning back into her fluffy white cushion. "Why did you run?" Her arms crossed against her flat chest.

"Run?" I ask testing the word first. "I did not run."

"Than what were you doing?"

Mandy was persistent. Its better to keep the conversation light and short. "I needed a break."

She gritted on her teeth clicking her tongue behind it. "Yeah, some say 'need a break' others called it 'running away' from something," my head lowers as tears start to prick in my eyes. I look back up to my friend. "Or someone?"

The words I wanted to say was "he was married!" But I decided against it. "Its no one. I just needed time to think ,okay."

She does not believe me. Her face was red with anger. One thing you should know about Mandy is that she hate lairs. And I am lying straight to her well round oval face.

I shook my head slowly. "You wanna have some lunch? Maybe pizza?"

I was steering in the other direction, away from the title wave. Was my co- captain trusting me?

"Sure, I will get dressed." She did.

I close the door of our dorm room and remove my sweaty tank top and jeans.

I open my suitcase grabbing a piece of white fabric and pulled it over my head. I shrug on my denim shorts and climb in my converse sneakers. I twirl my hair in a side bun pushing my fringe back with my pink headband.

Mandy came out wearing a grey vest, blue denim jeans and her bright pink sandals. "Still drying." She giggles wiggling her toes.

"Red looks good."

She flip her hair back grabbing her bag. "Pizza?"

"Mm"

•~•

We came to Pizza hut just around three. The place was not as crowded as I imagined. Mostly our peers sitting on the sofa eating, well pizza and talking, the game between the Jets and Sharks were on.

"Something Meaty and a American Fiesta." Mandy says placing our orders.

"Half and hour." The boy in the red pizza hut hat says.

"Sure thing honey." She mummers pointing to a table by the window. I nod strolling to the table seating myself.

Mandy was talking to the cashier, talking, giggling she had it so easy communicating. I was just the girl in the corner, like now eyeing everyone from afar.

As my eyes wander down the glass table, for a minute the table was more interesting than the people in this place.

The door bell of the pizza hut rang every time someone came in. Just one ring this time, not eight or ten.

I slowly look up seeing the man who stole my heart. Carter. He was as well dumb struck on what he just seen. Me. His body stiffen underneath his black pin strip shirt. His skinny jeans fitting perfect was usual. And as always his sneakers. Sure enough this man has a butt load off sneakers.

His tongue trailed the inside of his lip as he cock his head to the door.

I shook mine. Standing my ground, but its shaking and I am sure it will evaporate any moment.

His eyes narrowed and his lips turn into one straight line. A clear warning that I have to pull my self up.

He turns around and march out yet again, this time more force full.

I stood up slowly walking to the door. Like a moth following the light. "Hey, where are ya going?" Mandy asks.

I did not even look at her. "Out. Be back in a few."

I did not hear a respond.

As I came out the soft breeze hits my face. My head turn to the right but no Carter. Than to the left and yet again no Carter. My heart telling me to go left while my mind tells me to go right. As always I followed me my heart.

I strolled down the side walk, my eyes leading my feet, moving me slowly towards where I will end up.

A hand grips my arm yanking me into a dirty back alley behind a huge green dumpster.

My eyes met his. As I am pinned to the wall my heart was yelling at me 'go'! Agreeing with my head. But she came back and my inner goddess demanded me to stay.

"You are running." Carter says softly.

"Why is everyone assuming I am running?" The question was to my self and not too the man in front of me.

"I can explain. Its a disaster. But I need you." Carter mummers.

Tears begin to drip down my cheeks. Carter's ring finger came up to my face wiping the stains from my facade. "Don't run please."

"I can't do this. You are married man i-"

"I am not married to that bitch, she is insane." He growls pushing me harder against the wall, my back aching. Does he wants me through it? Or want my back to break? If he pushes me any harder I am sure I will land in hot topic.

"I said I can't! I fucking can't do-"

I was shut up by a kiss. A soulful, passionate, greedy kiss. Devouring my mouth like a lion eating its prey. I was indeed his prey.

He waited for my mouth to open literally pushing his teeth to it. Wanting an entrance. As the submissive to his needs is. I let him in. Carter's tongue massaging mine as his hand opens up my short's button. His hand slide in putting his finger on my clitoris circling it. "You are wet for me. Your body wants me Jessica don't let her be in vain." He purrs between my lips.

One finger slides in me making me moan softly, feeling his erection growing through his skinny jeans. "My body wants yours. We can't deny it. Don't make me beg."

The second finger slides in and so did the third. The third made gasp for air. He slides in than out throbbing into me as he fingers me, his lips still on mine. The connection was unable to break. It is just a fact I had to face; I was helpless without him. Letting him be in me. He was possessive. He surely already did that.

He pulled out before I came. "Now you know how I felt-feel went you left me, frustrated, angry, torn and helpless. See you in class Miss. Lawson." He licked his fingers clean. "You always taste like magic." With that he turn around and walked away whistling a Michael buble tune 'Cry Me a River'

I slide down and I breathed hard.

Holy fuck.