Molly

The first day back is alway stressful, for me anyway, but she always seemed so calm and like nothing could phase her, but I guess some things do.. I just don't know about them..

Body language is something i study harshly and intensely to see things about a person their lips would never reveal, but her body image radiates confidence and the whole "i don't care attitude"

And sometimes, i kinda wish she cared a bit and 'let some emotions get to her' because i just want to know she is human.. That the one person i can trust, my best friend.. Is a human?

I mean she has the organs and the brains and the physical looks of a normal human, but you gotta wonder, and not the kind of wonder that goes as far as "maybe we aren't alone in this universe" or "maybe she's a robot" but the kind of thing that maybe she has had all the human taken away from her.

Im not sure and thats not something i feel comfortable with..
There is so much history and its all ok, but i don't think I've ever felt truly comfortable with her talking, with her speaking because its hard to trust someone who doesn't bother to 'care'

Maybe my entire being is an over reaction and maybe my life is spiralling out of control and i am slipping back into depression who knows..

Today was ok, but school will never really tell me anything about her, she will stay quiet and laugh and joke a socialise.. That's good, but like i said its hard to trust someone who kept so much.

I know she had the right to keep it and that it must have been hard and such, but was here and i always will be..Im not sure she knows the extent of my depression, or the panic attacks i have when its 3am and I've rolled over and all i can see is myself drowning in a sea of hatred and despair..

Im not sure i want to tell her..
And thats ok.

I don't mean to make things about me, i guess I've always been that way and i always will be..

"its just its kind of personal some of it and some members dont think i should have other friends with such different interests"

Were her words, and boy, she's articulate and strange and makes something that could sound harsher come from some english poet, she makes the small heartbreak sound like a brush off the shoulder, the words, if you take them piece by piece..

"Its just kind of personal" Like most things are with you.. Still understandable that if you don't want to be as open to me as i wanted, there is nothing i can do to change it..

"Some of it and some members" So your better friends.. Again, still personal, still respectful..

Here comes what I've been waiting for, for a bit now..

"Don't think i should have other friends with such different interests" Thats the bit that got me, because I've been interested in every word that came out of your mouth, i listened, my whole life changed because of your interests, i take an interest in sex and drugs that could kill me in an instant because i want you to know i'm interested.. I do that for you.. and you call me having different interests..

I am different.. And thats ok, sometimes, being different and alone is better than being with someone who doesn't like you..

Her friends were right.. And thats ok. Im ok.

(Ive always wondered the meaning of 'ok' the meaning is so far lost, i don't think i can ever find it again)