Molly

Somewhere between it all i made a choice.

I made a choice that i wouldn't stand by and let you ruin your life with drugs..

But i always told myself, that its your choice and that i can't do anything to stop you.. And i was always right, i can't do anything and none of your choices will change if i say anything.

Because they are yours.
Not mine.

But only just recently, i realised that i don't have to be involved with you, i don't have to be worried about where you are and if you are being abused again..

"i can handle it"

"I don't show emotion"

Ok.

Then i will stop, if you can handle it, i will stop. To me, it feels like i am kind of pointless to you, like if i died, you wouldn't bother to ask why i didn't turn up to school or why my mother was crying when she picked up the food i used to love at the supermarket.

I feel like you wouldn't question anybody or anything if i just disappeared..

And I'm probably right..

I still remember that card you gave me when i lost my old cat, i couldn't have given two shits about the cat, it wasn't even mine and she was getting too old to walk anyway.

But the card you made me was so fucking special to me that I've always kept it..
Too be honest its the only evidence i have that you actually (used to?) care.. I like memories like that, the ones that make you seem like the person you aren't.

I dont know, it would be comforting to see you cry every now and again, to let me know that you actually care about something other than drugs and booze.

Drugs are life ruining and the consequences you know all to well, i don't understand why you can't see that your fucking things up every time you do drugs.

You constantly tease me about how i used to be, at first it was kinda funny, but now its just annoying.

But today when you said "Oh yeah, I'm getting LSD" Something inside me snapped, its like a light went off that..

You've gone too far..
And i have to get out.

The only justification i have for making a choice such as this begins after all the jokes and the constant mind in the gutter approach (guilty as charged) but there comes a point in a friendship where things come to an end.

Because i don't think i could handle you showing up dead somewhere with Jim and your other friends.. I don't think i could handle going to school and asking where you are and someone pulling me to the side and whispering "she died of a drug overdose" or something horribly ironic like that.

Im already on the verge of killing myself and losing someone like you would just push me that bit over the edge.

And i don't i would have it in me to be sad, i might cry, but crying isn't just reserved for sadness.

I would just utter the words "Im not surprised"

What else do you want me to say "Oh no, i would never have expected that!!" Because that would be lying and I don't like liars, so becoming one myself would just fuel the self hatred..

I could say something like "Oh man, I'm so sorry" That would be ok, because i am truly sorry that you didn't get to see her grow up and do what she wanted to do with her life.

Although she is doing that now.

So i guess its best if i leave before you pass out somewhere and i have to get Tayse or someone to tell me the bad news that, the person who has shaped me as an individual is gone.

That my 'rock' the one person i could say anything to, the one person i could be anyone with, share my thoughts, flaws and my shitty fan fictions with..

Is gone.

But hey, at least she died doing what she loved..
Even if she doesn't believe in love.

"oh yeah fair enough, maybe i will find someone more secure to write about my last project failed as you saw"

So you aren't even going to try, you aren't ever going to fight back and say that, no i will write about you and i will tell you about yourself and i will make you feel like someone takes notice of you and not just what you look like..

But who am i to know that you see more than just how i look..