Stupefaction

I stared across the living room in shock, noticing the fan I'd met a few weeks ago on our couch. Shayley had just filled me in on why he was here, and I honestly couldn't believe my eyes.

I was frozen in place as I saw the kid press a blade against his throat, yelling as loud as he could with tears streaking his tired face. My feet seemed to be glued to the ground. I wanted to yell, run up to him, anything. But my body was stuck in place like a fly trapped in a web.

I was completely shocked. Out of all the people I'd seen, I'd never met someone as damaged as this kid seemed to be. I remembered back to when Shayley had told me about a kid in his class who idolized me, so I decided to visit to see for myself. This obviously wasn't what I was expecting.

I suddenly snapped awake. This kid looks up to me. I needed to do something. If he wouldn't listen to Shay maybe he'd listen to me. I searched my mind for his name, quickly remembering the moment I went up to talk to him.

"Alan. I need you to put that blade down. For me." I tried to keep my voice level and calm.

He seemed to be confused, not able to tell who was speaking. The poor boy was so out of it. I needed to help him. I just felt this gnawing feeling that I needed to make everything better for him. This moment right here was the reason I started a band in the first place. I didn't want him to have to feel like this anymore. I wanted to give him every shred of happiness I could spare.

I slowly walked closer to the couch, and soon our eyes locked. He seemed so lost, until now I never knew someone so young could be so lifeless. My heart almost broke as he croaked out my name, grabbing onto me as if his life depended on it. To him it probably did.

I still didn't understand how fans could be so attached to me, how they could trust me so easily without even meeting me. I could only think of four people in this world I could fully trust, and it had taken years for them to gain it. Alan seemed to be hung on every word I said to him, I could see in his eyes how much this moment meant to him. This was all foreign to me, I didn't understand how someone could throw out trust so frivolously. I knew I really couldn't fuck this up. I couldn't let him down.

He grabbed my shirt, burying his face into my neck as he sobbed his heart out. My heart dropped in my chest, trying my best to comfort the boy. I was starting to get attached to him already. After a few minutes I told Shay to go to bed, he had work in the morning and I could handle this.

I sat down on the couch, just holding Alan as his sobs began to get less frequent. I was baffled as to how big of an effect I had on people, what was so great about me? I was just a guy who makes music.

I hadn't asked to be looked up to by so many people, but it was a responsibility I didn't take lightly. I believed it was fate that this kid was sent to me. It was my duty to help him, no matter what it takes.

It dawned on me that he probably had worried parents at home, so I asked him if he wanted me to call them. A strange expression came across his face. He looked away from me, choosing not to answer. I gave him a questioning look.

"Um.. My- I live alone." He whispered, resting his head on my shoulder in an attempt to hide.

Oh.

"Well.. What if you stayed with me and Shay for a little while?" I blurted out suddenly. I hadn't even consulted him yet but fuck it, there was no way I was leaving Alan alone.

He looked up at me with a mixture of shock and hopefulness. He nodded profusely, still trying to speak as little as possible.

I looked down at his arms, noticing the shocking amounts of blood smeared on his clothes, now probably seeping into my own shirt too. I decided I should probably clean all his wounds, so I scooped him up in my arms and carried him to the bathroom. The guy seriously couldn't have weighed more than a feather, but I didn't think much of it at the time

I set him on the floor and started to run a bath, gathering all the first aid items I could manage to find. I figured I should grab him a change of clothes too, so I excused myself to my room. I grabbed a spare Of Mice & Men tee and some old sweatpants, they might be a little big on him but I figured he’d appreciate it nonetheless.

Once I returned to the bathroom, Alan was curled up into a fetal position on the floor, looking scared out of his mind. Shit. I didn't think about what would happen if I left him alone.

Once our eyes met, he seemed to relax a bit. Soon, Alan started frantically making grabbing motions towards me, his eyes almost begging. I complied, pulling him tight in my arms. It was almost like caring for a child, he couldn't seem to function enough to do anything for himself, so I did it for him. I took off his pants first, which were practically covered in blood, throwing them to the side. My heart sank when I saw even more scars on his legs.

I noticed how tiny he was, the boy couldn't have been older than 15. I was confused though, I remembered Shay saying something about only teaching seniors this year. I’d have to ask him later.

I took his shirt off next, and I was taken completely off guard when I saw a huge tattoo across his chest. I noticed another big tattoo across his side, and upon further inspection I read it to say California. Damn. To my surprise, his tattoos were extremely well done, they were definitely done by a professional. Maybe he was older than 15 after all...

I found myself mesmerized by the work, wanting to run my hands across each and every little line. One thing was for sure.. they looked damn go- I stopped myself. I am NOT attracted to a teenager. I told myself sternly, he probably wasn’t even legal for gods sake. He was a fan. And a guy.

The truth was gender didn’t really matter to me, I’d dated both guys and girls in the past but I was trying to give myself excuses to not develop a crush.

I snapped myself out of it, placing Alan in the tub. I heard him hiss when his cuts hit the water, I frowned. I hoped he wasn’t in too much pain. I started to clean his cuts as quickly as possible, watching the water slowly gain a red tint. I saw the discomfort in his face, his whole body tensing up. I held his hand in an attempt to comfort him, trying to finish up as soon as possible.

Once it was over I dressed him in the fresh pair of clothes, carrying him into my room for the night.

“Thanks.” He whispered so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

“No problem.” I smiled at him, placing him on my bed and pulling up the covers. I started to leave the room with every intention of sleeping on the couch before I heard a pained whimper.

“Please don’t.. Please don’t leave me alone.” He turned his head, hiding his face in the pillow. I knew I couldn’t leave. I pulled off my shirt and quickly changed into some pajama bottoms before I headed back over to the bed.

“All right. If you need anything else just ask, okay?” I said, climbing into the unoccupied side of my bed.

He nodded.

I pulled the covers up over us, realizing he was shivering. I wrapped my arms around him. To warm him up, I told myself. He let out a sigh.

Pretty soon Alan’s head was resting on my bare chest and we were both falling asleep.