I Finally Know What It Means, to Have Something to Call My Own

“Jack?” The brunette seems more than shocked to see the guitarist outside her door. He can understand why. It’s been nearly two months since he found out he has a daughter, and in that time he had made no move to contact the girl standing before him.

Their eyes meet – surprise, confusion, guilt flashing across wide, light eyes as she searches his.

“I want to meet her.” Jack breathes, because fuck, he’s nervous and it’s taken so much self-will to stand here for this long without running away.

Carlie nods, the corners of her lips tugging up just barely as she takes a step back and makes room for Jack to enter the apartment. He tries to force his mouth up into a somewhat less flat line, but he knows it’s futile. This had been eating him alive since the moment he found out, and he can’t pretend any longer that he can just ignore this. His friends, band mates, hell, probably even the fans had noticed Jack’s lack of enthusiasm lately, the way he drinks himself into oblivion, going days without being sober. He knew he had to do this. He knew that he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t, and so he had found himself outside Carlie’s door. It had taken weeks to build up enough gut to show up, and the 20 minute pep-talk he gave himself before rapping his knuckle against her door had built up enough nerve to knock, but now that he was inside he could feel all of his willpower leaving. He sighs, wringing his hands together.

Carlie is beside him now, glancing up at him with the painfully obvious question in her eyes. He looks down at the smaller girl, the top of her head barely reaching his shoulder, and he wonders what he put her through for nine months without even knowing. She’s a beautiful girl, in all honesty. Lightly tanned Italian skin, caramel hair curling just above the small of her back. He drops her gaze, looking down at his hands. “I’m sorry it took me so long to show up.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to, honestly. I only made that call to get the truth out, Jack. I wasn’t asking you to take on the responsibility.” Her tone is soft, reassuring him that he doesn’t have to do this. She is perfectly capable of raising their child alone, but Jack already knows this.

He nods, swallowing, before meeting her eyes again. “I want to do this, Carls.” The nickname slipping out easily, without correcting himself, Jack continues, “It took me a really long – too long of a time, to work up the nerve to stop hating myself and actually show up here. I’m not about to turn around when I’m this close. You’ve gotta let me do this, Carlie. I – I don’t know how to feel about any of this, and I – I’m still so scared, I’m fucking terrified, but I can’t live with myself knowing that I have a daughter I’ve never even met.”

“Okay.” She nods, then walks further into her apartment, leaving Jack to trail behind her. He follows her down the hallway, into a small room that is obviously a nursery. The walls are a light green, pink accents in the pillows and curtains, as well as animals printed on most of the furnishings. Jack smiles, despite his nerves. Carlie catches the boy’s mouth quirk up, smiling slightly as well, before saying quietly, “She’s been asleep for about an hour now, but if you want to hold her, you can.” And then she’s resting her hands on the edge of the white crib centered against the largest wall, peering down. Jack takes a step forward, then stops. He exhales, wrings his hands together again, and then takes the few remaining steps to the crib.

The sight before him is a thousand times more than Jack could have ever conjured up in the past few weeks. There, sleeping peacefully before him, is his daughter. He breathes in, eyes taking in every last detail of his child. She’s smaller than Jack had pictured, but then again he’s not sure how old she is. “She’s almost ten months.” Carlie supplies from beside him, catching on to his train of thought when Jack meets her eyes. He nods, returning his gaze to the baby, taking in her lightly tanned skin, slightly lighter than her mother’s, and her dark eye lashes, much like her father’s. There is no doubt in his mind that this baby is his.

“Wh – what’s her name?” He didn’t mean for it to be spoken so quietly, almost a whisper, but he can’t help it. He’s so overwhelmed right now, scared, happy, relieved, nervous. He looks back up to Carlie again, sucking his lower lip between his teeth.

“Madelyn. Madelyn May.” And that makes Jack’s mouth quirk up into a full out grin. “I wanted to incorporate something from you into her name, since she has my last name, but I couldn’t think of how to turn Jack into a feminine name.” Carlie pauses, looking back up to Jack with a shy grin, “So I just used your sister’s instead, I hope it’s okay?” She trails off, sounding unsure towards the end.

“It’s perfect. She – she’s perfect.” Jack states, grin still present. Any doubt that had settled in his mind on his way here was now gone, replaced only by pure adoration for the tiny girl sleeping below them. “Can – can I hold her?”

Carlie laughs, a sound so full of relief. She had been sure that the boy before her would not want anything to do with their daughter. He was just so wrapped up in himself, not that he was selfish by any means, but with the band, and a life on the road, Carlie had thought Jack would not want to be tied down with the child’s life. And even now, she was still unsure of whether Jack wanted that, but the light in his eyes put her mind at ease for now. “Of course you can hold her.”

He grinned again, reaching down toward the baby, pausing to look up at Carlie again. She gives a small nod, smile slipping back onto her lips. And Jack takes that as a yes to his silent request, gently scooping the baby into his arms and straightening back up. She’s heavier than he expected, a healthy weight even though she looks much lighter. Jack sucks in his breath because Madelyn’s eyes are pealing open. He looks down at her, cradled in his arms, which seem much too big around the tiny girl. And then she’s looking up at him, and their eyes meet for the first time.

He watches as she watches him, tiny doe eyes flickering across his face for the first time. He smiles, taking in the deep chocolate brown orbs that nearly match his, just barely tainted with caramel flecks like Carlie’s. Madelyn’s face softens, lines of confusion easing back into her plump cheeks as she analyzes Jack. The thin new growth of caramel hair on her head shifts, as the baby reaches up and runs a smooth finger against her father’s jaw. And then she’s giggling and Jack can’t help the swell of joy inside his chest. He hears Carlie gasp beside him, and his cheeks feel like they’re going to break from how wide his grin has spread.

-

They’re sat at Carlie’s kitchen table, Madelyn sat up on Jack’s lap, playing amicably with a toy on the table before her. He’s got a gentle hand wrapped around her front, to keep her from toppling over. Carlie is perched on the chair opposite, glancing between her daughter and Jack. Not much has been said since they’ve sat down, because neither of the two really know how to initiate the much needed conversation.

“Jack.” Carlie’s voice is soft, but demanding, and Jack knows he has to say something. He meets her eyes across the table.

“I want to be in her life.” And that has Carlie’s eyes widening, just slightly.

“Jack –” Her voice is quiet, the voice you would use when trying to convince someone that they don’t have to do something. He knows this would be his last chance to leave. To get up, hand over the baby in his lap, and walk clean out of their lives, but he also has his mind set on never doing that.

“I know I – I’m probably not the best person to raise her with you, but I did help create her and I want to be in her life, if you want me to be.”

“Of course I want you to be. You’re her father, Jay, and I know that she was never supposed to, – well exist, but she’s here now and I think you and I can both agree that she needs her father in her life.”

Jack nods, knowing that she’s referring to how she grew up without a father, and he knows she’s right.

Jack thinks back to two months ago, crumpled on his kitchen floor, sobs wracking his body. He looks down at the baby on his lap, listens to her mumbled sounds, not old enough to form actual words. He smiles. Jack looks back up to Carlie, and sees she’s smiling as well.