Swept Away

I FOUND MYSELF SITTING IN THE SMALL outside patio area of the Hungarian Pastry Shop for the third time in the last week. Recently, my father had become absolutely unbearable to be around, so as a result I tried to stay out of the house as much as possible before the bruise that had just about healed up was turned a deep purple again.

Sitting with my hands on the mug of Russian Coffee, I leaned forward, letting the small lines of steam rise and crash against my face. As they warmed the skin on my cheeks, another freezing cold guts of air tore through the city and left me ducking my head toward my body, every inch of me trembling from the cold air that had worked its way through the tiny holes of my sweater.

When the wind had calmed, I straightened my back and pulled my iPhone out of my pocket and set it down on the table. Pressing the rim of the mug to my lips, I let some of the still warm liquid flow passed my teeth as I fumbled with the apps on my cell phone screen until they made their way to Spotify. Tapping the small icon, I typed in ‘City and Color’, and watched as the small picture of their CD ‘The Hurry and the Harm’ appeared on the screen followed by the soft strumming of the guitar. The songs had started playing from my absolute favorite, 'Death's Song'.

Putting the volume up a little, I leaned back in my chair and shut my eyes, my fingers pressing into the warm ceramic mug beneath them. As I hummed through the first song that played, my mind started to wander to thoughts about my classes, how many papers I already had due, and then they fell on him. Of course, him.

I thought about the way he smiled and how enthusiastic he was about everything in the class. I thought about the way his muscular forearms would contrast the soft fabric of his shirt, and how his short brown hair would always seem to fall perfectly on his head, no matter what the weather, or how many times he ran his fingers through it.

My thoughts about my professor were thankfully cut short as the music in my phone stopped abruptly, causing the silence of the night to sink into my skull. Opening my eyes, I looked across the table to see the man from my dreams, the man I thought wasn’t even real the first time we met. A part of me couldn’t believe he was real now, either.

“Harper,” was all he said as he slid my phone back over to me, the music turned down to barely a whisper. His voice was at a cross between a greeting and the beginning to a question, but as I hung on my name, the way the ‘r’ rolled off of his tongue, I watched him, not moving a muscle in hopes he would keep talking.

“Riley.” I shot back at him as he leaned back in his chair and sucked down some of the steaming chocolate-colored liquid in his cup. “Funny running into you here.” My nose twitched as another cold wind blew through the small patio area, making the lights hanging above clink against each other.

He hummed as a response to me, running his eyes along the lines of the cast iron table we were sitting at. After a few minutes of a comfortable silence, he let out a yawn and then looked at me, right in the eye, and smiled. “Why am I always running into you, Harper Snow?”

“I was here first.” I said in a small voice, a tiny smirk tugging at the edge of my lips. “You’ve been reading too many psychoanalytical books of serial killers. Starting to pick up on their doings.”

Riley let out a laugh, a loud deep laugh that caused his eyes to shut and a wide smile showing all of his teeth to flash across his face. The sound was melodic, and his smile was contagious. Before I noticed, my smile was just as wide as his, and my eyes were shimmering, staring at him under the lights.

As the laughing died down, he took another sip from his mug and then placed his elbows on the table, setting his chin down on one of his hands as he stared at me, a smile still lingering on his lips. “I’m sure you’re friends and boyfriend appreciate your subtle sense of humor.”

“I’m sure they would if I had any.” I let out a small chuckle as Riley’s dazzling smile fell from his lips. The bright look in his eyes dulled and his shoulders went from their broad stature to a slumped one. It was like I had just told him that his class was stupid – which I would never do. Noticing his sad features, I shook my head and smiled a little. “I enjoy solitude, honestly. You can’t get much more introverted than me.” His face didn’t change. “I’m happy, I really am though.” I swallowed hard as thoughts of my mother washed over me, “I like reading and learning and taking photos and wandering around the city. I like to hear my own thoughts and not be forced to change them to someone else’s. I like the drama free, confrontation-less life. I like being alone.”

Riley shook his head a little, the sadness starting to wash off of his features. For that I was thankful, but the emotion that was perfectly displayed now made my stomach knot and twist uncomfortably in my body. There was a certain glint in his eye, a certain pressure in his jaw that made his jaw line more pronounced, and it was as if every muscle in his body had just stiffened. He wasn’t sad anymore; he was a mixture of anger and curiosity—a dangerous mix.

“So who do you live with?”

“My father.” I mumbled as I watched a vicious storm rage in his eyes.

“No friends?” I shook my head, feeling my cheeks get hot. One minute we’re laughing, the next he’s making me feel like some sad little excuse of a being. “No boyfriend?” I swallowed hard and shook my head again. “Where’s your mother?”

I paused, my eyes slowly making their way from my coffee mug that now contained luke-warm liquid up to his stormy blue ones. As I shook my head a little, he exhaled loudly and then ducked his head down, trying to catch my eyes as I dropped them back to the table. I didn’t want to speak about my mother, I didn’t want to think about how she was the supporting beam for my whole family, and now without her we had crumbled to the ground with absolutely no chance in ever being the same again. I would ever hug my father again, I would never tell him about my grades and achievements or friends and boys I met at school. Instead, every few days when he said the right words, and I needed someone to talk to, I would find myself at the cemetery sitting against the tombstone on my mothers grade, weeping as I begged god to bring her back. If he needed to take me instead, that was fine, but I didn’t want to be alive without her. I couldn’t.

Blinking hard, tears started to form behind my eyes. I had never liked talking about my family situation with anyone. It was partially the reason I had lost all of my friends in the first place. They tried to help me, they tried to bring me to dinners and parties, get me to smile and have fun, but I couldn’t do it. I wouldn’t let myself open up to anyone anymore. I shut them all out, and after a huge fight, I was alone.

Although for a month or two, I couldn’t stop thinking about how stupid I was to leave them, but after I started reading and appreciating the smaller things in life, I grew to love life alone.

“Harper, look at me.” His stern tone made every muscle in my body stiffen as I in the small seat across from him. I felt like I was shrinking with every passing second he kept his angry eyes on me. It was a relentless stare, and as he said my name a few more times, my nerves started to numb before the only thing I could feel was the tearing of my heart strings, each one of them snapping as he said my name and I thought about what he was asking, who he was asking about.

A loud thud filled the air causing my body to jump in surprise. Darting my glassy eyes off of the table, I looked up at the man, his hands still placed firmly on the edge of the table. Eyes locking on his, he studied mine a minute before his lips pressed into a thin line. He asked me the question again, and again, and then on the third time, I felt my heart implode in my chest. Every drop of blood in my body turned to tiny little ice cubes.

“She’s dead.” I screamed at the man, as my tiny fists collided with the iron table beneath me. “My mother is dead, I live with my father, and yes. He’s the one who gave me the black eye- and it’s not the first time either. Are you happy now, Professor Collins? Are you happy with my answer?” I was on my feet before I could spit out the final sentence. As my legs shook beneath me, I turned my back to the table and let the tears that had been building up for five minutes seep out of the corners of my eyes and leave a trail of black tinted water down my cheeks.

I was halfway across the small patio area when the loud screech of the iron chair against the slate of the patio cut through the silent night, and in no less than five seconds my shivering body was pulled against another. Strong arms wrapped around me shoulders and pulled me in, quickly turning me around so as he tightened his grip, my face fell against his the soft fabric of his shirt that was stretched across his chest.

“I’m so sorry, Harper.” He whispered in my ear, his hot breath beating down against the tender skin of my neck, causing a shiver to wash over my whole body. As I stood there, my tears soaking into the fabric of his shirt, I carefully wiggled my arms free from his embrace and shakily wrapped them around his waist, my fingertips lightly running across every little muscle under his shirt. Once I joined my hands against his back, his body relaxed a little, and he pressed his chin against the top of my head.

We stood like this for what felt like hours. His shirt smelled like nicotine and whatever cologne he wore. His skin smelled like a warm mix of vanilla and cinnamon and every inhale I took made me want to just close my eyes and sink into the hug. I wanted to just fall asleep in this embrace, letting the scent of nicotine calm me down as the cologne filled my head, bringing a smile to my face. Not because it smelled amazing, but because it was his.

It was after a few cold breezes that he let me go. His arms loosened around me and as he took a step away from me, his fingertips dragged across my back, and then all the way down my arms until his fingers grabbed onto a few of mine, and held them, making my already red cheeks even darker.

“I am truly sorry about that Harper.” His voice stayed strong despite the broken look in his eyes. “I’m sorry I was such an asshole about the whole subject. I should have-“

“It’s okay.” I whispered, my lips pulsing from me chewing on them as I was pressed into his chest. “I… It’s been two years, the pain isn’t as prominent as it used to be.” Although it was true that I felt no where near as suicidal as I did back then, the simple thought of my mothers smiling face turned my insides to ice.

He shook his head, his fingers still holding onto mine. Lips parted to speak; he blew out a small puff of air and then shook his head, sighing lightly. “Would you like a cigarette, Harp?”

Harp. The nickname sounded in my head, making the frown that had displayed itself on my lips twist into a very small, barely noticeable, smile. Although it wasn’t very noticeable, the man that had been fiddling with his carton of cigarettes noticed it, and chuckled lightly as a response.

“Are these the minty ones?” I asked, eyes hopeful as he handed me the rolled up piece of paper. With a simple node, he cupped the air around the cigarette between his lips and then lit it. When he was done, he kept the cigarette in the side of his mouth and waved me closer to him, his eyes sparkling as I leaned closer to him, holding the cigarette firmly between my lips as he put the lighter at the end and sparked the small flame. “Thank you.” I breathed as I put the paper between my fingers and jerked my head back, exhaling the white smoke into the dark, starless, night sky above us.

“So how are your classes going?” He stood next to me now, his arm carefully hanging from my shoulder, keeping me next to him in a loose side-hug.

“They’re okay.” I breathed trying to steady my heart as I sucked on the cigarette and let the scent of the smoke and the man next to me fill my head. It was a smell I never wanted to be without. “I have some papers due, my photos might be hung in the gallery at-“

“You’re really good, huh?”

“Not really.” I shrugged and watched as the man looked at me, his eyes shimmering. “I don’t have a huge ego around my work.” I stated flicking some ashes onto the ground, “Everyone that has a huge ego eventually starts to make shitty pieces. They think no matter what they do, it looks great. They’re horribly incorrect.”

Riley laughed from next to me, keeping his cigarette off to the side as he put his hand at his side and shook his head a little, his bright white teeth glowing in the little light outside. “Do you know how charming you are, Harper?”

“Not at all.” I huffed and then reached over to the closest table and pressed the cigarette into the empty ashtray, watching as the smoke streamed from the smashed piece of paper. “You may be more delusional than I am.”

“How so?” He asked, his eyes quickly locking onto mine. As I looked up at him, I felt my heart beat roughly against my rib cage. I couldn’t just come out and inform my professor that I may have been madly in love with him. Even if I just had a crush on him, it wasn’t something I could tell him. I wasn’t that kind of person- I wasn’t an open person. Sure, I could handle all kinds of rejection, but the thought of him rejecting me made my stomach sick.

I shook my head and went to walk away when his hands quickly grabbed onto my wrist and spun me around, so my body was centimeters away from his. In that moment, when our eyes locked, and ours faces were tilted at the exact angle to meet the others, my heart stopped beating in my chest, and every muscle in my body became no existent, leaving me to slowly turn into a puddle under his gaze.

He leaned in a little closer to me, his pink lips barely brushing against mine, causing every nerve in my body to explode like a firework under my skin. I wanted to go on my tip-toes and fill the tiny centimeter gap, I wanted to feel his lips against mine, take in the scent of his cologne and feel his hands on my hips, pulling me into him, but as he brushed his lips against mine again, he sighed lightly and then quickly pulled away from me.

“I’m sorry Harper.” He breathed as he walked over to his chair and grabbed his jacket. “That… I’m sorry. That wasn’t supposed to happen I-I made… I made a mistake.” He sputtered and quickly shrugged the jacket on and walked back over to me. After looking in my eyes one last time, he nodded a little and turned to walk through the door. Right as he was about to cross the line from outside to inside, I cleared my throat and watched as he turned to me, his eye wide and frantic.

“It’s okay.”

“Harper.” He sighed walking up to me. “It’s not okay. It’s really not okay, I… We… It’s not possible.”

I felt a dagger pierce through my heart as I let his mess of a sentence fill my head. I wanted to nod, I wanted to say something- anything to him, but I couldn’t. All I could do was stare at him, hurt smothering every feature on my face. It was rejection that hurt the most. Adding that with the fact that he was right, that all of my delusional day-dreams of him were for naught, it made me sick.

Without another word, I looked down at the ground, my eyebrows furrowed and quickly walked passed him and over to the door, my limbs shivering as I headed into the small building and then out of the front door.

Faintly hearing my name from behind me, I let my eyes fall to the floor, scanning over every little pebble on the ground as I made my way through the streets of New York, and back to the apartment building where I would have to carefully navigate the rooms in order to avoid my father.

Halfway back to my apartment, when my limbs were about to cease their shaking, freeze, and then fall off my chaotic mind settled down and came to a simple conclusion. Even though I would subject myself to more time around my father, I was skipping my class tomorrow night.

I did not want to see him, hear him, or even catch the slightest scent of his cologne. I knew skipping his class would be bad, he would probably be angry with me the next time I saw him, and I would have to study twice as hard to make up for it, but I didn’t care.

My heart was hurting more than I could bear. I knew it was stupid to develop feelings for your professor. I knew it was dangerous and would only lead to something like this, but I couldn’t help it.

I was a fool.