Swept Away

Blood covered the sleeves of my light blue sweater. The same blood patterns appeared on my cheek and my neck. They would have also been on my jeans, but the fabric was too dark to display the deep red color. As my eyes traveled around these stains, the muscles in my body started to tense, which only made the sick feeling in my stomach worsen. This was the absolute worst my father had ever been. It was so bad that I had to run from the apartment before he could touch me again.

“Hey”, I breathed into the phone as soon as I reached the front doors of the building. “I’m sorry I… I called, but-“

The man on the other end of the phone let out a small yawn, and then a light chuckle that made goose-bumps appear on my arms. “Hello Ms. Snow”, he purred. “How are we this early morning?” There was a moment of silence, a stale silence that made me realize that the man had already put two and two together.

“I’m okay.” I whispered as I ran my bloody fingertips down from my cheek and onto my upper thigh.

“It’s four in the fucking morning, Harper, I know something happened.” He said quickly, his voice shaking with anger and anxiety. “Are you okay, are you safe?”

I hummed for a moment, trying to keep myself from crying. The sudden idea of someone caring that much about me after seeing what my own father had done to me hit my nerves hard. This man knew me for a month and a half at most, and he cared more about me than my own father.

It was hard to clear my throat, but after I managed to, I inhaled slowly and nodded. “I’m just walking around.”

“Where?” He asked curtly.

“Just outside of my building, I-“

“Where.” The brunette on the other end of the phone demanded, his voice crisp and stern as he breathed shallowly on the other end and then after only two seconds, repeated the same word in the same tone.

Grinding my teeth together, I exhaled and rambled off the street that my apartment was on. Within seconds, Riley informed me to stop walking, sit down on a curb or the steps of a building near me and stay there until I saw him. Just as I was about to protest, he sighed into the phone, uttered a small ‘please’ and then sighed again.

With that, I stopped walking, dropped my tired limbs onto the curb and pulled my knees into my chest. “Okay, I’ll wait here.” I said into the phone like a small child taking orders. “You really don’t have to do this Riley, I-“

“Harper Snow”, he whispered into the phone. Rustling clothes, doors slamming, and heavy footsteps followed after. “I do have to do this, I will not be able to function until I can see that you’re safe.” There was more rustling, a slam, and then the faint sound of an engine roaring to life. “Stay put, I’ll be right there.”

“Thank you”, I whispered and watched as my screen blinked the time of the phone call, and then cancelled out and set the screen black. Taking a few deep breaths, I surveyed the area around me, and then hit the top button of my phone to see the time. Tracing my eyes over the thin lines that created 4:12 am, I let them drift to the top right corner that showed me my phone had about three percent of its battery left.

That was the first in a series of things that made me experience my first panic attack.

The second thing occurred seconds later when I heard a group of men talking fairly close to me. Usually I was a very easygoing person when it came to traveling at night, but as soon as I heard their slurred words I automatically felt my whole body stiffen. I knew all drunken men weren’t the same, but the words instantly took me back to my father and every inch of my body started to pulse again.

Breathing heavily, I pressed my fingertips into the cement beneath me and shut my eyes tightly, trying to even out my ragged breaths. As thoughts screamed over one another in my head, I bit down on my lip and decided that I would try to calm myself down by reciting a poem.

Pressing my fingertips harder into the cement, I inhaled sharply and cringed as my chest tightened and sent a sick feeling through my body. “This isn’t happening to me.” I whispered into the dark street before me as the sound of the men speaking grew louder. “I am fine, nothing is going to happen. Inhale, exhale, repeat.”

My chest was getting tighter with every word that I spoke, and by the end of the sentence, I could barely breathe. Although I was trying to calm myself down, it only made me realize that something was really wrong with me, and as a result of that, I became more worried.

I felt something start to drip down from my nose.

My heart rate increased ten fold as I reached up to my face and placed my fingers in the stick substance that was now running down my face. As I pulled my fingers away the car rolled past me and as its headlights illuminated the area around me, I noticed the deep red liquid on my fingers glisten.

Opening my mouth wider in an attempt to get more air into my lungs, I felt the thick liquid fall onto my tongue and as I swallowed the strong metallic taste gave me the realization that I was losing more blood again.

Heart beating faster than ever before, I quickly pressed my forehead into my knees and placed my trembling hands over my head and shut my eyes. “Poem, poem, think of a poem”, I whimpered softly to myself, letting my warm breath beat against my face that was dripping with beads of sweat. “I need a cigarette, I need a cigarette”

My mind cleared for a moment as another car sped by me and showed the group of men across the street from me. Blinking a few times, I watched as one of the men glanced over at me, his eyes glistening in the moonlight. Once we made eye contact, I finally lost my battle.

Gasping a little, I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my forehead back into my kneecaps. I tried to speak, I tried to tell myself to calm down, but all I could do was shiver. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak or move. All I could do was tremble, focus on how unbearably tight my chest was, and how the liquid still poured from my nose.

“Harper!” My heart stopped for a moment, and then started its erratic beat again as I quickly jerked my head up and stared at the man standing before me with wide, fearful eyes. As he kneeled down to me, I flinched and pressed my fingertips into the curb with so much pressure that I broke through the tough layers of skin. “Harper, Harper, calm down.” His eyes were wide as he looked into mine.

Nodding, I looked back at the man and watched as his face became clearer with the subtle light. Once I noticed the bright baby blue eyes, I felt the sweat pouring down from my hairline stop. “Riley.” I whispered and watched as he smiled at me and nodded, his fingertips gently resting down on my wrists.

“Hey, you have to relax okay?” His eyes were sad as they locked onto mine and his fingers gently wrapped around my wrists and gave them a small tug away from the cement. “I’m here, everything okay.” The deep voice went through my ear and settled in my head, quieting some of the screaming thoughts.

“M-my nose is bleeding”, I whimpered as I sniffled a little then looked down to my sweater that had a new deep red stain forming in the center. “I… I don’t like them, they’re gross.” I rambled on and watched as Riley nodded at me, a sympathetic smile lingering on his sad features.

Moving his body to the curb next to mine, he carefully wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. Inhaling sharply, the faint scent of his cologne entered my senses and filled my head. As I focused on the smell, I pulled my fingertips from the cement and leaned into the man next to me as I tried to gain some control over my heart rate and breathing. “You’re okay, Harper. I won’t let anything happen to you, okay?”

Nodding, I felt my heart start to slow it’s beating. My chest loosened and my lungs filled up with a more air every time I inhaled. “Tell me… Tell me a poem.”

“Off the top of my head?” He asked, worried.

“Whatever…” I felt a sharp pain in my chest that rendered me speechless, but after another deep breath, it passed. “…Whatever you know, whatever you can t-think of, pl-please.” I managed in-between breaths as I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder.

Shutting my eyes, I focused on my breathing while Riley shifted uneasily next to me, inhaled deeply, then sighed and nodded a little. After a minute or so, he cleared his throat, tilted his head up, and started running his fingers up and down my arm.

“When I go up through the mowing field,
The headless aftermath,
Smooth-laid like thatch with the heavy dew,
Half closes the garden path.

And when I come to the garden ground,
The whir of sober birds

Up from the tangle of withered weeds
Is sadder than any words


A tree beside the wall stands bare,

But a leaf that lingered brown,

Disturbed, I doubt not, by my thought,

Comes softly rattling down.


I end not far from my going forth

By picking the faded blue

Of the last remaining aster flower

To carry again to you.”

The panic attack that had plagued me stopped somewhere during Riley’s reciting of the poem. As his deep voice flowed in my head, and I connected the words to Robert Frost, my heart finally went back to its normal beating, and the horrible pain in my chest vanished. Although my body was still trembling, I could breathe again. I could think straight, and I was now steady enough to realize I was practically in my professor’s lap in the middle of the early morning covered in blood and sweat.

I wanted to runaway and never leave this embrace at the same time.

“Are you okay, Harp?”

“I think so”, I whispered as I tilted my head all the way back and locked my eyes onto the lifeless sky. “I’m so sorry about all of this, I really do feel like-“

I stopped speaking as soon as Riley wrapped both of his strong arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug. As he pushed his face into my neck, I froze and listened as he inhaled deeply and then sighed a little, allowing his hot breathe to tickle my still damp neck.

Resting my head on his broad shoulder, I shut my eyes and felt the sudden urge to cry. He cared so much, he tried to hard to calm me down, and he was so sad when he saw me in this state that it made me fall for him even more. People that weren’t my family have cared for me before, but never to this extent. No one cared about me like this anymore.

“You can stay in my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Don’t be a fool.” I responded quickly, allowing his words to take over my mind so I didn’t dwell on how horrible my father was and how perfect Riley was, which was a internal conversation I would rather cry about another time. “I can just stay here until-“

Riley was visibly frustrated as he pulled away and looked at me right in the eyes. The harsh look caused me to stop mid-sentence.

“You’re staying in my apartment at least tonight. I… You just had a panic attack Harper. That is not good, you understand that, right?”

I nodded.

“Good, then let’s go. I only live about ten minutes away.” He smiled at me and then stood up and turned toward me, grabbing my hands and slowly pulling me up until I was steady on my own two feet. Taking a few steps toward his car, a pair of headlights illuminated the street, and that was when he noticed my clothes.

Once the car had whizzed by, and the street was back to its normal darkness, I swore I heard Riley’s teeth grind against each other while his heart exploded in his chest. The glint in his bright eyes scared me in a way, but as I continued to look at him, I realized that his anger wasn’t about me, but about how I came to this state.

“Is that…” He couldn’t finish his words as his fingers slowly reached out toward my sweater and brushed against the large stains on my sleeves. “Yeah?”

“Mhm”, I whispered and watched as Riley nodded and then walked me over to his car, opened the passenger’s side door, and moved me so I was standing in the light flooding from the car.

I immediately felt small under his gaze. His features turned to stone as he kept staring at me, his bright blue eyes transforming into a grey, cold, stone, color. During the minute or two he stared at me, his lips parted to speak once or twice, but after each time, he just shook his head and roughly bit down on his lip.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course.” I responded and watched as anger flared in his eyes.

“No, Harper, I don’t want your independent, strong-willed, bull shit. I want to know if you’re okay. I want to know if you can breathe okay, and you feel okay. Don’t fucking give me this shit, Harper, please.” Riley had my hands in his as he finished his small speech. His bright eyes were locked onto mine, and as I studied them, I felt the familiar burning in my throat and nose.

I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I didn’t want him to know how this was all affecting me. I like being strong; I liked showing everyone that I was okay on my own. Independence was my thing, and this was all wrong. This isn’t what I wanted, but I needed him. I needed the embrace and the reassurance that me living benefited someone.

“Riley”, I breathed as the burning sensation started to fade away, “I promise you that besides a few bruises, I am fine. I promise you.” I whispered and then looked down at his hands in mine and felt my stomach knot uncomfortably.

“Okay”, he whispered and rubbed his thumb on the back of my hand for a few seconds before he pulled me into him and then nodded. “Get in, let’s go.” He whispered and lingered by my side as I slid into the leather seat of his car and then shut the door.

Seconds later, he got in the other side of the car and shoved the key into the ignition. Letting the engine roar to life, he pressed the palm of his hands against the steering wheel and then sighed heavily, his broad shoulders slumping forward.

“Thank you.” I whispered and watched as he turned toward me and then smiled a little.

With a small nod, Riley set his hand on my leg and then let out a soft sigh and started heading down the street, his eyes intently watching the road as he turned here and there. Through the drive, all I could do was stare down at his hand on my leg, hovering right over a dried bloodstain on my jeans.

“Can I have a cigarette”, I whispered as I tore my eyes away from his hand and looked out of the window.

“They’re in the center console, lighter’s there too.” He whispered and lifted his arm up and hit the over head light on. Swallowing hard, I glanced up at him and watched his facial features grow cold as his eyes caught the deep red staining my sleeves.

Grabbing his cigarettes and a lighter, I shut the console and quickly turned the light off. Rolling down the window, I turned my body away from the brunette and leaned closer to the window.

Placing the cigarette between my lips, I cupped the end, lit it, and then flicked some ashes out of the car. Placing the paper back on my lips, I took a deep inhale, shut my eyes and let the smoke burn my senses.

Everything’s fine.

I’m with Riley, everything is absolutely fine.

I’m with my psychology professor I’m in love with and have kissed a few times, and everything’s fine?

I don’t think I know what ‘fine’ really means anymore.