Memories

She was the love of his life, and even though they were never married he always knew in his heart that if they both made it that far they'd get married. He imagined they’d start a family together and be happy. Of course, marriage and children weren’t even things he knew he'd wanted in life until they watched their best friends get married, and the first time they held baby Harry their our arms.

He was so precious. And well when he saw Marlene holding him for the first time, cooing things to him as she walked around the room while we waited for James and Lily to check out so they could take baby Harry home finally, he kind of fell in love more. She was just so perfect with him, and Sirius just knew then and there that she’d be a great mother. Even if at times she might be scared or mess up, he knew she’d make a good mother and a good wife.

Knowing what he knows now there was so much he’d give up to go back in time to change if he could, and saving her from an untimely death was one of those things.

Because saving her would mean she could have the life she deserved, but he knew he couldn’t. Even if he could ever get his hands on a time turner to go back it’d be too far back in time to go plus with everything else that he wanted to change while he was there everything could fall apart. So learning to live with everyone’s death was something he had to live with. And something he was still having a hard time with.

Marlene, Lily, James, all their deaths happened so close together and so soon before he was sent away to Azkaban that it was all he could think about while he was in there. All he could think about while he was there was how a friend could betray James and Lily. Or how the Death Eaters could’ve even known that the entire McKinnon family would be gathered for brunch that morning. And of course, revenge. Every night he'd think about it, how one day he was going to escape from his cell and he was going to find Peter and kill him, after making sure he cleared his name. At least with Harry. Who probably didn’t even know who he was. And that was even more painful to think about.

He was there when Harry was born, he was there when his parents were married, when they fell in love, he was there for all of it, and he was still Harry's Godfather. He shouldn’t have been in that cell, he should’ve been at home raising his Godson with his Godmother. And while he was in Azkaban that one of the most painful thoughts he had. It was about how Harry didn’t even know who he was, how he didn’t get to raise him with Marlene after James and Lily died like he’d promised because Marlene was dead and well he’d been locked up.

And honestly that was something else he'd go back and change if he could. If Sirius knew he could he'd go back and make sure Marlene didn’t go to her parents and find a way to warn her family about what would happen, and if he had to to keep her safe he'd go into hiding with her. Not of course until he made sure that James and Lily didn’t trust Peter with their secret. They could find someone else if need be. Or if it was really possible then they could be in hiding and he could be in hiding and they could all hide away until there was news that it was safe. Sure that wasn’t how he wanted to live, but at least the people he care about would be alive. And he even had a back up plan. If the Potters were still murdered, then he would take Harry like he was supposed to, with Marlene and the three of them would hide. Because then Harry could’ve known all about his parents, and he could’ve grown up with two people who loved him.

But he can't go back in time. He can’t change the past, and he can’t take all his years of suffering and turn them into something he'd actually like to remember. All he can do is remember the ones he loved and share the memories he had of them with the people who never knew them.