Hell Above

It’s only when Alex slips out of the denial he had attempted to bury himself in that the nightmares begin.

The first time Alex wakes from a nightmare, sitting bolt upright in bed, he swears he can feel their hands on him. It takes him a few seconds to process his surroundings, chest heaving as his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room around him. Outside it’s snowing still, and the usual light from the window remains muted, making it harder for him to settle down.

When Jack begins to stir beside him, Alex attempts in vain to gain control of his breathing so as to not wake him. The action is proven futile though when Jack rolls over and then sits up beside him a moment later.

In his research, Jack had read about how the nightmares would start and how they were meant to linger long after the fact, and so up to this point he had felt relatively prepared for their onslaught. Yet, as he rubs at his eyes with the back of his hand, taking in Alex’s state and the erratic rise and fall of the other man’s chest, it’s obvious to Jack that this is more than he could have ever prepared for with dry web articles.

The first time Alex wakes from a nightmare, it doesn't lead to a panic attack.

-

Finding himself slumped over the toilet, dry heaving into it at 3 a.m. two nights later makes for a kind of different story though. Alex had woken up in a cold sweat, heart slamming against his ribcage and despite Jack’s best efforts, he’d been unable to prevent the oncoming panic that had sent him into a fit.

The nausea had hit hard once his sobs had turned into nasty coughing at the peak of the episode, and that’s what has him sat against the bathtub on the freezing bathroom tile currently.

The blonde looks up when Jack steps through the doorway, squinting against the harsh light the younger flicks on upon entering. After a moment, Alex’s eyes adjust and he reaches out to take the glass of ice water that Jack is holding out to him.

He presses the glass to his lips, welcoming the relief that the liquid offers to his burning throat. Jack settles onto the tile in front of him, pulling at the neck of his shirt and watching Alex with tired eyes.

The elder feels bad, mostly because he hasn't thanked Jack whatsoever for the effort the younger has put out for him over the past week, but also because Alex knows he’s been keeping Jack up at night. He had intended to ride this out on his own, but it’s obvious to him now that Jack is fully on board too.

“You alright?” The younger asks, reaching out to run his fingers over the hem of the blonde’s sweatpants. He raises his head to meet Alex’s eyes, one eyebrow raised in honest question.

“I’m okay.” Alex responds, but it’s not true. He slides his thumb over the side of the glass, trying to settle the thoughts in his head. “I think I’m gonna watch T.V.”

“Am I invited?” Jack questions, a tiny hint of a smile in his voice despite the miserable look he’s fixing on the blonde.

Alex would smile, but his body just feels too heavy at the moment. He settles for a nod, and then accepts the hand Jack offers to pull both of them to their feet.

-

Jack lets out an exasperated sigh, fumbling with the cell phone in his hand as he reaches to pull open the store door. He left a sleeping Alex at home on the couch, curled up under a throw blanket in the hopes that the elder wouldn't wake from another nightmare in the time Jack was buying groceries.

“He told me I saved him.” He says, barely a second after his call goes through.

There’s a long pause that irritates Jack, and then Vinny is answering with a groggy “What?” It’s hardly six in the morning now, so Jack lets the other man’s inattentiveness slide.

“He told me I saved him.” Jack repeats, taking a plastic basket from the stack by the entrance before making his way down the first aisle. He comes to a halt in front of the cereal, eyes scanning across the various brands on the boxes as he waits for the Italian to speak again.

“Jack, it’s so early. What are you on about?”

Jack sighs again, bringing the conversation that had taken place on his couch earlier back to his mind.

They’d been 10 minutes deep into an old episode of Criminal Minds when Jack had spoken up, looking over to the elder curled up at the opposite end of the couch. “Can I ask you something?”

Alex had turned towards him, taking the remote he’d had cradled in his lap and muting the T.V. After a moment, the elder nodded.

“When I found you that night, in the bathroom… with all those pills, what stopped you?” He asked, watching the blonde’s face for a sign that he’d crossed some unspoken line.

Alex was quiet for a minute, bottom lip pulled in between his teeth as he thought the question over. The answer was obvious to him, but he wasn't sure how much he was ready to tell to the younger, how much of his pretense he still wanted to keep up.

“You told me you loved me.” Alex began as way of reply. He’d folded his hands together in his lap and then raised his head to meet the younger’s eyes. “I don’t know if you remember, or if you even meant it, but the night before, you said you were in love with me, and – I don’t know, it just made me stop and think.”

After a round of silence from the younger, Alex spoke again in attempt to better explain himself. “It’s okay if you didn't mean it. I know I wasn't even supposed to hear it, but I had those pills in my hand and I was going to down them. I was going to kill myself and then I just couldn't do it.” He said, words rushing together as his chest tightened, and then he regretted going into detail. “All I could think about was you, and how stupid and selfish I would be if I took myself away from you.”

“I meant it.” Jack finally replied, taking a deep breath and trying to comprehend everything that the blonde had just told him. He watched the emotions swim in his best friend’s eyes. “I meant it and I – I didn't mean for you to hear it, but now I’m so, so fucking glad that you did.”

Alex nodded, mouth turning up just the slightest at the corners. He turned back to face away from Jack, resituating to curl up against the ugly throw pillow that the younger always makes fun of. After an extended silence, just before Alex unmuted the T.V., he looked back over to Jack and said, in almost a whisper, “I think you saved me.”

“Alex told me that I’m what stopped him from killing himself.” Jack answers Vinny, reaching down to pull a family-sized box of Fruity Pebbles off of the shelf and then tossing a box of Lucky Charms into his basket as well. Cereal has been Alex and his primary meals since the incident.

“How?” Vinny asks, sounding more curious than surprised.

“I told him I loved him, the night before it happened. And, I guess, it made a difference in his head.”

“You finally told him?” The Italian questions over the line, sounding genuinely, and rightly, surprised this time.

“I might’ve mentioned it after we had sex the second time.” Jack confesses, pushing his phone to rest in between his shoulder and cheek in favor of using both hands to open one of the doors to the fridges lining the back wall of the store. “I didn't mean to, honestly. He said he couldn't bring himself to do that to me though. He’s still alive, because of me. Because of a silly, stupid confession I didn't even mean to make.” He states, reaching in to pull out a gallon of milk.

The Italian is silent for a minute, and then when he speaks again he sounds much more alert than he had before. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but you sound sort of upset about this.”

“No, I just – I don’t know. I feel like this is all just too much. And then I feel shitty saying that because I’m not even the one going through it. I just want him to be okay again.” Jack says, looking down at his basket to see only breakfast foods. He sighs again, moving down a few fridge doors before a tub of ice cream ends up in his basket too.

“I get it, and you don’t have to beat yourself up over it either. I know you’re feeling guilty, but you shouldn't. You couldn't have stopped it, so you need to cut out those thoughts quickly. You just need to be there for him, Jay. That’s all I can tell you.” Vinny reasons, taking on a heavy tone to his voice that weighs down the seriousness of his words. “You know I’m going to be right there with you, he’s just as much my best friend as he is yours.”

Jack sets his basket on the checkout counter, tossing a bag of sour-patch watermelons up to be rung up as well from the display racks underneath. “I know, Vin. Thank you though, I’m sorry for waking you up. I was just driving myself crazy and needed someone to talk to.”

He hands over his cash due and returns the small smile the girl behind the counter offers, taking his bags as he listens to Vinny laugh lightly over the line, “Well that’s what I’m here for.”