Going to Pasalacqua

I didn't eat at all that night. My parents had called me down but I excused myself to sit curled up in a ball on the bed that had been made well over a year. I stroked the soft pink fabric and remembered my old life. Before boys intruded and I had to worry about love at all. I already know in my heart how I feel about Billie. I can't change that, I knew the feeling when I first saw him. Though then I excused it as being anxious and hysteric for having no memory. I know now what it was, so surely it's true love if I loved him, even then.

I close my eyes. Forcing back the remaining salty tears. How it was they kept coming even after I'd cried for three hours straight, I do not know. I will have to face someone eventually, with graduation next Sunday, there is no way I can avoid my mom. Chances Billie will go home and tell his mom we broke up and it will burn my bridge with her to a crisp. I refuse to look up from the swirling pattern I am tracing into the comforter. Invisible trails where my finger dragged. I want to sleep, because crying and sniffling has exhausted me. But when I close my eyes, his broken expression when I pushed him off the porch replays in my head. I want to ignore it and let myself seep back into my comfort zone. Even though my comfort zone has gone to shit now. I'll have to tolerate the broken heart and graduate Rodeo High in peace. I couldn't make myself move away though. No that would break Billie beyond repair. I need to stat because I don't want this to be over. I keep reminding myself that its not. We're just on break. But then again, what else happens to couples on breaks? Love. That's what. What if he moves on before I get back to him? 

A whole new wave of anxiety and horror washed through me and I squeezed my eyes shut and clench my jaw to lock out the headache. My chest swelled with a new wave of sobs and I gripped my legs tighter. Not giving into the insanity threatening to over take me. I close my eyes and drown out all traces of concern I might have for the us factor and fall into a restless state of sleep. Tossing and turning all damn night. I couldn't keep comfortable, the bed far too hard compared to what I am usually sleeping on. The room felt drafty, considering my room had been right next to the furnace room at Billie's. The sheets were silky and remained cold and empty all night. I curled up into a tight ball and finally fell into a dreamless sleep after hours of exhaustion, waking up in the middle of emotion triggered dreams. 

I woke up early, to the sound of my mom calling for me up the stairs. But I was far too tired to even open my eyes to acknowledge the location of the sound. Until my bedroom door opened, she must have been checking to see if I was even here. Not like I'd be anywhere else. I jerked up in surprise when who entered was not my mom. Let alone a person, but a object. I couldn't see my moms face through the mass of over fourth white roses, like the ones that had been on my corsage at the autumn dance last fall, all jammed into a beautiful, aqua tinted crystal vase. She peeked around the vase with a smile and lightly kicked the door shut with her foot and walked across my room, setting the vase of flowers on my desk in the across from the end of my bed so I'd have to look at them. And smell their intoxicatingly sweet smell all damn day.

“These came for you this morning.” mom clarified standing back to actually get a pretty good look at the actual size of the flower vase.

I nod slowly, still staring at the pot “Clearly...”

She smiled at me sadly before exiting the room. She obviously read the note. I really didn't want to know what it said, but as ever I was increasingly curious and got up and walked cautiously towards the vase on my desk. The stream of sunlight through the big bedroom window to my right made the crystal vase glitter. Sending shards of light all over my room in a big reflection of light. I toyed with the notecard between my fingers before opening it and reading his poor excuse of cursive.

“Adie, I'm so sorry for everything I said and did. I'd try to blame it on the alcohol, but you know I can't do that. It was my fault for even drinking the crap in the first place. I hardly remember what I did and said. But Mike told me this morning everything that had happened and I felt sick that I may have chased you away. Y'know I do have a big mouth and can never manage to shut up if it's time. I understand completely if you don't want me back. But to prove to you I love you more then myself, I will not drink nor smoke for as long as we are apart. If you come back to me, I'll give it all up. For you, because I love you still.

-Billie”

I wrinkled my nose. He was so damn sweet! A smile broke across my face. Sure I could call him up and take him back on the spot. But I wanted to know first that he could really be sober for a while. I'll give him a week. Until my graduation, Mike's as well. Since both he and Tré dropped out of high school already. We will have no contact during this week. He has until then. I nod, more so to determine myself as I pull open my desk drawer and dig around until I find a piece of pastel pink stationary, and I begin to write out my compromise. Picking a single white rose from the vase, I fold the note and secure it around the stem with a piece of string, I walk outside in time to see Mrs. Canter, our mail lady. We had known each other since I was born I guess. She was a friend of my moms

“Hey Mrs. Canter?” I call to her as I walk down my driveway, still in my sweats and t-shirt. She looked up from Putting a handful of letters into our mail box.

“Yeah Adeline?”

“Do you... Do you think you could deliver this rose to someone for me?” I ask, looking down at the simple rose bud in my hand.

She looked at me for a moment. She knew who Billie was and once again was one of the people who didn't know the truth about us. Rather that's a good thing or not.
“Where to?”

I told her the address and to set it bud outwards in the mailbox because I know how much Billie hates having rose thorns in his hand, last August we were picking roses in Ollie yard. Also the bud will be fair warning to him before he reaches in blindly. She smiled and climbed into her truck, gave me a thumbs up and drove off. I smiled to myself and nodded. Hoping I'd made the right decision. 

I had a lazy day. I never exactly got dressed. It was sort of a feel sorry for myself kind of day. I alternated between laughing at some tv show, curled up in a ball in my bedroom window sill sulking, then downstairs again on the couch with a pound of quilts on top of me while I bawled over some soap opera. I was grateful for the privacy of being home alone.

By the time mom and dad had gotten home that night, I'd pulled myself together enough to put on this little smile and start on dinner. Though I refused to eat though I was hungry. I'd eaten popcorn all day so it was most likely the reason for the absence of my hunger.

I sat in my room and read a book that I'd gotten for Christmas from Billie. I'd left it here one night and I guess it managed to make it's way from it's spot left behind in the kitten to the little bookshelf in my room. I couldn't fathom any interest in the words the pages held though. My mind ran wild and it took everything I had not to just pull on my boots and run the mile to his house west on the bay. I tried to focus. But when I couldn't even concentrate on what words were what, I slapped the book down on the bed. Pulled down the edge of the comforter and squirmed in. Curling into a tight, warm little ball as I had the night before. Falling asleep reasonably quickly after my mind had stopped racing.

He smiled at me and I smiled back. Blushing I'm sure. 
The grass swayed around us in a ocean of waves on the breeze. Also making the leaves on the willow above us move. The sky, cloudless and endless in a mass of blue. The dense trees the surrounded the fringe of the meadow. It felt safe to be here. Just laughing. 
His face quickly became serious and his eyes glittered in awe. Of course I blushed deeper until I realized he was looking past me. I turn around and see a beautiful girl. In the prettiest sun dress and bare feet. Blond hair that waved all the way down her back with the brightest blue eyes thats shade easily matched the ocean.
I snapped my fingers to get back his attention but his head was somewhere else. He propped himself up on his knees and pushed me back from him. Standing up and walking towards that girl. Kissing her before walking off into the trees without a second glance. My breathing became erratic and tears burned my eyes like acid and I almost felt like I was only falling backwards when I got up to chase him. Not let it end this way. Forcing my legs of rubber to move on, to move. What would I do if I never see his smile again? Or ever hear his enchanting laugh or that nervous smile he has when he shows someone one of his new songs. Or how his eyes just light up when he first enters Gilman. Like he can finally be his goofy old self there. 
As I run. I have lost all traces of his presence and have only gotten myself lost. I spin around hopelessly before falling backwards onto the ground. The sky encroaching darkness through the webbed trees and visions of what I once had swirl around me in a pounding headache.
That's it. He won't come back for you. You are going to be alone.

A huge gasp and I jerk upright in bed. The darkness swells around me and I resist the useless urge to scream for Billie. Who should be only down the hall but he's not. He may not even be home right now. I glance over at the desk and the clock says it's five thirty. He's gotta be awake right? In my still sleeping state I clumsily grab the phone and begin to dial the number I know so well. Then I stop myself with my finger hovering over the 3.
I drop the phone back onto the hook and hug my knees and rock back and fourth on my bed. No of course he isn't awake right now. And he won't appreciate being woken up this early. Not even for me, especially if it's cause I need assurance because I had a bad dream. I sigh. Take a deep calming breath and dab at the stray tears around my eyes. Feeling like shit because what If something like this did happen? Surely I wouldn't cope with it very well. No I'd most likely never eat again and shrivel up and blow away. I've gotta keep going. Only six more days...

I fell into a restless sleep then. But still I was grateful for no more dreams. No matter what they were about. When I woke in the morning, I found myself looking forward more to the deadline then my actual graduation. But still I have to go to school. Clean out my locker and all that crap. Sign year books and say goodbye to people I hardly knew and could remember before the accident and I suddenly wished Billie would go with me. I couldn't bug him though. Mike was probably already at work wrapping fish like he always does. I'm not sure who he is siding with on this argument. Rather it's Billie or me or he is just the anonymous group. I got up from my warm sunny bed lazily. Going to my dresser and putting on a pair of short khaki green shorts. And a vintage looking Sweet Children shirt Billie had made me with his bare hands. Well not the shirt part but you get the picture. I wore my usual Chucks. And brushed out my hair. Which I hadn't done since I got here, and then I looked through my scant makeup collection to recall before meeting Billie, all I wore was pink eyeshadow. Nothing that matched my clothes nor any eyeliner or mascara.

I peeked out my bedroom door for any sing that I wasn't alone. And when I was confident that mom and dad had already gone to work, I walked down the hall to their bedroom and raided moms vanity for the two makeup essentials I needed. I put those on and decided it was time to go. Yes I have a license to drive, just hadn't bought a car yet. I walked outside in the blindingly bright light and looked down at the handle of the garage door debating exactly how much elbow grease it was going to take to even get that opened. I was just kneeling before it when I heard someone call my name and I dropped anything I could have called progress with the door on my foot. 

“Holy fucking ouch!” I cursed. Looking down at my foot wedged between the door and cement. Great. I turned around as much as I was able and caught the worried look in Mike's eyes. He sat in the drivers seat of a orange van. Waving me over to him until he saw my predicament and took his time climbing out of his van and making his way towards me. Easily lifting the door high enough to see the bumper of my dads Camero he lets me drive every so often. Then he dropped the door as I leaned against it for support and examined my foot.

“You are always hurting yourself aren't you?” he smirked, guiding my back towards his truck. I grimaced at how amused he was.

“Well sure.” I say cheerily and hopping in the front seat of the van. Amazed it didn't smell like fish.
“When'd you get this thing?” I ask tapping the dash board.

He grinned huger, if that were even possible.

“I bought it from my boss this morning. He also gave me the week off until after graduation because he said he can't see teens working on the week that will become one of the most important days of theirs lives.” he said proudly “Besides having kids and getting married” he shrugged.

I nod “Hmm, I figured so. Because it didn't smell of rotting fish yet." I grinned at him.

“Hey! I don't smell that bad!” he defended. I laughed “Yeah just enough to stink though.” he shot me a playful glare and pulled into the Rodeo high school parking lot.

I ruffled my hair lazily and pulled my purse strap up on my shielder and hopped out and waited for Mike to join me on the other side. Though my mine kept wandering back to a certain person roaming Rodeo all alone. I remind myself once again that this whole thing is for the well being of our relationship. We shall come back bigger, stronger and ready to kick ass again. That is, of course, if Billie can get over his drinking habits.

The entire school buzzed with conversation as we walked through the dark green double doors. In another week, I'd never have to roam these hallways again.

“Yo Dirnt!” a jock I recognized as Jerry waved at Mike as we passed. I walked towards my locker, just wanting to clean it out and leave this place behind once and for all. 

“Im gonna clean out.” I say to Mike. Gesturing to my light blue locker. He nods “Yeah ok, I'm gonna go talk to Brittany for a bit.” he said. Looking down the hall to where a girl with blond hair cut into a pixie cut stood shyly by her locker signing the occasional year book. She was the same girl that had gone to the dance with Mike a few months earlier.

I turned back and sighed a puff of air, doing my combination and pulling open the locker door, a swell of crap from my previous school years fell out on me. Who knew how long some of this stuff was in here. Like seriously, now that I recalled, I have never cleaned my locker. I've had the same old locker for the last couple years. I picked up a hot pink sticky note from the bottom of the locker that had long gone lost it's stickiness. I read te note. It was a note to my principle from my mom a couple years ago when I had my mood swing issues and would often lash out on people. The cause was a medication I had to take for some severe head aches I'd get and couldn't concentrate on work. I haven't needed the mess in years because they almost went away on their own. But anyways, the note described to my principle that if I hurt someone, it wouldn't be intentional. I smiled evilly to myself and put the note into my book bag. Remembering that day I had punched one of the perfect girls on the cheerleading squad. But because or the note, I wasn't blamed nor punished for punching her after she called me some nasty names. Almost made it worth putting up with the side effects to see her expression. I laughed, not really caring who saw and proceeded to clean out my locker.

“Well I guess this is the end Adeline.”

I turn around and spot the familiar looking, statuesque girl. She was tall, taller then me and wore a pretty pink sundress. She had long blond hair; which at some point was dyed brunette on the ends. She had pretty green eyes which reminded me of Billie's. They were almost the same color. She wore minimal makeup but still looked quite stunning.

“Ang?” I ask. Quite confused actually. Last I'd heard was she moved to LA two years ago. I and Angie were best friends during sixth grade and did everything together. And it's been two years since we have had any contact. I remember also, why she moved away. People in this school would call her the 
Ugly duckling. She had been below any standard of pretty and so had I. Which is why I have hidden any young pictures of myself in a box under my bed. She moved away because of the bullying and now here she stood. By any standard, she was far prettier then me. She smiled as she recalled our friendship. Before I could recall much myself, she was crushing me in a hug saying “Missed you Adiekins.”

Now I know why Billie's pet name for me had seemed so familiar when he gave it to me, Adie.

“Holy crap Angela, I haven't seen you in forever!” I squealed and hugged her tighter.

“It's only been two years.” she reminded me, laughing.

“I know.” I murmured into her unfamiliar hair. She had naturally all red hair. But had always hated the color. So her choice to dye it wasn't that great of a surprise. I pulled back finally to recall a little of the familiarity in her face, since that was the only place it remained. She had her same green eyes, her cheek bones were more angular now and she could pass easily as a model.  I was proud of her, just hoped she had made all these changes herself and not let a surgeon do it

“So how have you been Adiekins?” she grinned.

“I've been dealing with a bunch if shit in the past year. But it has had it's perks to it.” I grin. “So what are you doing back here?” I ask. With genuine curiosity. I couldn't understand any reason shed come back here to Rodeo.

“I'm here for you sis!” she squealed “I moved back here after I graduated early last year. I actually just moved back, I'm hanging out in a hotel room right now, but I wanted to see You graduate and excel.” she smiled proudly at me.

“You came back for me?” I laugh, too bust to keep smiling in disbelief.

She nodded “Yep.”

I laughed again and we hugged “Hell we should get you out of that old hotel, come live with me!” I say excitedly.

“Wha... You got your own place?” she asks

“No. Still living with mommy and daddy. But I've got plenty of space in my room.” I say. Offering my private space before I had even thought about it. Mostly I'm sure because I feel very alone now without hanging out with my best friends daily like I did and sort of am doing today with Mike.

She laughs “Yeah ok, talk to your parents first so I don't have to hide under your bed.”

I nod then Mike appeared behind me “Almost done there?” he smirks, handing me a roll of paper towels to wipe out the dust on the inside. I nod and accept them.

“Oh hey, Mike right?” Ang asks.

Mike looks back at her, confused for a second and nods “Hey Mikey, this is my school bestie Angela.” I say, wrapping my arms buddy like around her shoulders.

“Or you can me any of my nicknames, Angel, Angie, Andy or according to Adiekins, Ang.” she laughed and I blushed at my nickname. Finding how it no longer fit me.

Mike got a sneaky grin “Adiekins huh?” 

... Oh crap he is so going to use this against me...

Ang laughs “Yeah, use it against her, it embarrasses her.”

Mike nods micheviously “I'll remember to do that...” he grins and walks off to tend to his own, probably more messy then my own, locker.

“Now look what you've done. I'm most likely to have to deal with him more since I'm on break...” I mutter while smiling.

“Break? Like what kind of break?” Angie asks curiously, leaning up against my neighbors locker.

“Like a temporary broken up kind of break.” I mutter reluctantly.

She has a instant touch of sympathy to her eyes. “I'm sorry Adeline.” then she pauses “Is that the guy?” she asks, pointing after the general direction Mike had walked off in.

“Oh no, no. He is the best friend of the guy, in fact—”

I looked past Ang, at the double doors where a mass of black dreadlocks walked through the hallways. Waving cooly at people he passed. The best part about seeing him though, was seeing him sober. No glaze to his eyes and exactly like I remember. But he looked particularly tired and worn out. It took all the control in me not to run up to him and jump into his arms.

“In fact... That's the guy.” I say. Dumbfounded, Ang turned around and spotted Billie almost instantly.

I grab her arm and yank her off into a hallway, hiding behind her as he passed with no grace in his step. Just sort of dragged his feet. He was here today with reason like the rest of us. Even though he dropped out last year, he had left a lot of crap in his locker and the school has been nagging him about cleaning it out to make way for the new class.

“Him?” Ang squealed excitedly. At first I thought she was going to go and say he was hot or something. Then she said “That's the lead singer of GREEN DAY!”

I put my hand over her mouth to shut her up, looking around to be sure he hadn't heard, then yanked her off Into the janitors closet and pulled te chain. Light flooding the little closet. I looked up at her with a threatening look.

“How in the hell do you know who he is?” I hiss curiously.

She shrugged “They played a show in Oakland a couple months ago and I attended.”

I remembered that show. In fact it was the one I did not go to. I had a big test to study for and Mike flunked for this show. So I stayed home with Ollie and studied all night.

“So what then?”

“I love their music. It's almost adorable how heartfelt their songs were. I mean that one song about being in love with the wrong guy—” I interrupted her “Why Do You Want Him?”

“Yeah, that's my favorite.” she beamed proudly.

“Good. Cause there is quite an interesting story behind that one...” I grimace at the memory of the unspeakable one and nod once to her “Don't talk to him. Don't acknowledge him. I'm working out some things with him during the spance of this week to see if he can give up drinking. Until then we have no communication.” I say.

“Ok.” she nods. 

“You can talk to Mike though, he's pretty chill about the whole thing and btw, he is the bassist for Green Day so surprise! You talked to someone partially famous.”  I say.

She squeals and I cover her mouth again “I'll explain everything later. Ok?”

She nods and I nod in determination and open the janitor door and exit into the open again. Of course not without peeking out first warily for him.