But You're Not Mine.

It had been six days since she last spoke to me and in all honesty, I didn't know what to do about it. I could only hope that she'd forgive me - or that she'd let me forgive her - but even that felt like I was asking for too much.

I spent the first four days sulking, eating solely peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and forcing myself to watch a marathon of I Love Lucy!. But I only did that for eleven hours of the day because I woke at seven am, attended classes from nine am to one pm, and went to sleep at midnight. Yesterday, I ran out of peanut butter, so I took a walk to the grocery store and bought a few cans of potato soup instead.

No matter what I was doing during the day, I kept attempting to convince myself that I did nothing wrong. She consented, even in her drunken state. A part of me wished that I recorded the whole thing to prove to her that I didn't go behind her back and take advantage of her, but I knew the existence of the video alone would piss her off.

I did my best to not let it effect my college life, because my academic life and my non-academic life shouldn't mix. I promised myself that they wouldn't, but I didn't know how much longer I could keep that promise. Because every time I walked into a class that we shared, I did my best not to look at her and she did her best not to glance at me. For a second, I thought that she was going to go as far as switching classes, but she proved to not be as petty as that.

Truth be told, I missed Noel. Hell, she was my best friend and every time something happened - whether it be significant or insignificant - I wanted to call her and tell her about it. I wanted to call her and tell her about this, about our predicament because if it had been any other girl, she'd laugh and tell me to get over it.

I sighed. I was sitting on the couch in an attempt to finish the worksheet for Calculus, but my head was consumed with thoughts of her. If my thoughts were a python, they'd be squeezing every purpose of life from my body. Clenching my jaw, I set the pencil down alongside of the paper and stood up.

I needed to take a break. This apartment was too small, too stuffy and I felt like if I sat here any longer - where she'd be sitting in the arm chair laughing at my pathetic attempts to make a joke any other day - I was going to suffocate.

Before I could change my mind, I slid into my coat and started the drive toward the park down the street. It wasn't really a nice day, in all honesty, but I felt that I needed a bit of fresh air - even if it was mediocre.

The park, to say in the least, was very popular today. There were young children rolling around in the grass with their puppies, friends out taking a walk, and even couples sitting on blankets in the grass. I guess it didn't have to be a nice day for people to enjoy themselves. I wished that applied to me, too.

A walked around for a bit before settling down on a bench that faced the street. I closed my eyes and inhaled the air. It smelled like grass and gasoline and strangely enough -

"Holy shit! Everett?"

- it smelled like Noel.

I opened my eyes and met hers. Her dark hair was put up into a bun at the top of her head and well, she looked happy. I parted my lips to speak, but I couldn't find my voice.

She looked around for a few seconds before taking the seat next to me. "Um, hey." I found the strength to wave. "I actually just said goodbye to Quinn with the intentions of coming to your house, but I guess this works, too .... " The sound of her voice faded into silence. "I wanted to apologize. Y'know, for yelling at you and stuff."

"It's okay, Noel," I managed.

"No, Everette, it's not. It's not fair for me to blame it all on you because you just participated. Ev, if I ... if I didn't wake up in your bed, I would have just deemed it as another dream. It's funny, right, how accepting I would've been if it was only a dream? I have my fantasies, too, y'know." She no longer met my eyes and instead opted to looking at her hands.

I sat there, adverting my gaze. "No, I didn't know."

"Everette, I just ... I think what really ticked me off is the fact that I wish I could remember it. It's not fair, that you get to savor those moments and I don't. I want - "

"Noel, stop. You're just saying that because you feel bad. I'm not the one for you, Quinn is."

"That's the problem!" she exclaimed. She lowered her voice back to a reasonable volume. "I keep telling you over and over again that we can't be fuck buddies, that we can't do this, that we can't do that, but I can't even stay true to my own word."

"Noel, I forgive you. It's alright, I promise. I still love you."

Speaking of my love made it hurt even more.



We were in the backseat of my car and Noel was pulling at the waistband of my jeans fervently. She wanted to remember, she kept telling me. I wished I had told her that it'd be better to just forget.

She was in control here - that's the way it's always been, in any circumstance - but I've never seen her so far from her usual composure. Normally, she was calm and collected. In this moment, she was over zealous and vehement. It took her a moment, what with the way she was straddling me, but she eventually got my pants and my boxers past my thighs.

I let my eyes close as I felt her grab me, stroking my length with a slow pace. Stiffening, I groaned lightly. I peeked at her with one eye, seeing that she had removed her bra. I reached out to her with one hand, softly pulling on her left nipple. "Condom?" I asked her.

She shook her head, biting her lip. "Why, do you have one in your pocket?"

It was my turn to shake my head. "No, but I have one up front in the - "

Noel pressed a finger to my lips. "Where's the fun in that? Besides, you know better." She then concentrated on what she was doing, guiding her body down on me.

I groaned, letting my hands fall to her waist.

I couldn't tell if this was a mistake or a dream come true. Either way, the outcome would be the same.