But You're Not Mine.

I waited two weeks to see if the situation would change, but it never did. I should've known, but denial ain't just a river in Egypt. It never was. And I should've know that the situation never would've changed.

I felt like I had been in denial the entire time. Ever since I met her. I felt like we could be more than just friends and even though we've fucked a few times, I know that status hadn't changed. No matter how many times I made her come or fucked her on the sink, she still looked at me like a big brother. It was sickening in a sense. I would not settle for someone's sick form of incestuality, no matter how related we weren't. This had far surpassed the friend-zone. I was pushed into the brother-zone and in normal circumstances, I wouldn't have cared. But I couldn't continue to fuck someone who saw me as no more than a big brother.

My own big brother would have called me crazy, but that night, I waited for her to come home. I needed to talk to her face to face because the ambiguity was killing me. I already knew what she thought and what she felt, but I needed to hear it out loud.

She didn't come home until nearly two o'clock in the morning. Not my ideal time of the night for confrontation, but fuck it. Her choice, not mine. That's how it had always been, right? She was always in control here.

Noel was surprised to see that I still awake. I was surprised to see that she barely had any clothes on. It was two am and she was wearing a tennis skirt and an open button-down. "Ev, I wasn't expecting to see you."

"I'm sure you weren't. Not many nights that you see awake right now, right?" I questioned. I hoped I didn't sound condescending. "Were you hoping to get fucked tonight?"

She immediately looked down at her shirt. "No, honestly, it was just really hot. I - " Noel paused when she noticed the bags littered around my feet. "Are those your bags or are you putting me out?"

"They're mine. Noel, I've been doing a lot of thinking," he started. "Last week, I got another job at the little record store around the corner and I'm going to use the extra cash to enroll in some classes at the community college not too far from here."

"Soo ... " She walked into the apartment further, taking her top off completely and draping it over the back of couch, leaving her in only her bra and skirt. "You're leaving me?"

I shook my head, running a hand through my hair. You can do this, Everett. "No, I'm not leaving you. I'm just letting go of all of ... this. Noel ... " I paused to take a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore. I've been hoping that one day, you'd stop fucking around and choose me. Or that you'd realize you're so much more than a different fuck every night. You'd think that a girl as beautiful as you would be on track to living the life she deserves. You deserve a man that loves and that will stick with you through thick and thin."

"Everett, I don't understand. You've told me again and again that you love, and so far, you haven't left me. No matter how much of a shitty best friend I've been."

"You hear what you just said, Noel? Best friend. Being a best friend isn't the same as being the man for you. Hell, you haven't even been much of a friend to me lately. The shitty part is that I could be that man for you. I would willingly be that man for you because Noel, I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. But you can't be that woman for me. I can't keep up with you and you sure as hell aren't slowing down for me."

She simply stared at me, a blank expression on her face. I hated this, not knowing how she felt or what she was thinking.

I licked my lips. "Noel, say something."

She shook her head before coming to sit on the couch. She curled up the same way as she always did before taking my lighter off of the coffee table as well as one of my cigarettes. Noel opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

"I'm not leaving you. I'll still be here, whenever you need me. All you have to do is call me. I'm just letting go of the hope that we'll ever be something more. I can't continue to let this hold me back from living how I want to."

"I know, I know. Everett, I'm such a fucking mess," she finally said, rubbing her eye with the back of her hand. She groaned before taking a drag of the cigarette.

I sighed. "And you'll always be my little mess. However, a cleanup is long overdue, Elle."

"God!" she whined. "I haven't heard that nickname in years. Why'd you stop calling me that?"

I took the seat next to her. "You're no longer that same person, Noel. Like we just established, you're a fucking mess and Elle is the cleanest you there's ever been. She laughed and smiled a genuine fucking smile. She didn't cry over no-good boyfriends and she most definitely didn't fuck with the feelings of a boy called Everett. You're a completely different person now, Noel, and I'm sure that Elle is begging to be set free."

Noel nodded in silently agreement then she was crying, burying her head into my chest. I was sure that she was staining my white t-shirt with her cyanide tears, but that's what best friends were for. I would have cried with her, but I'd been crying for weeks. I could no longer weep over something I had already began to let go of.

"What ... about ... your apartment?" she sniffled. I used my hand to rub her back.

"It's yours. I paid for this month and the following last night. Whatever you choose to do with it after that is your choice. That's when the lease is up, anyway," I explained.

She sat up, going back to using the cigarette as her support. "And you?"

I shrugged. "I think I'm going to back to my mom's for a while. I'm tired of eating take-out every other night. Plus, if I'm not dealing with rent, I can focus less on work and more on school.

She nodded her head, agreeing with me. She exhaled smoke through her nose. I didn't know if I'd ever get over her. "That's understandable. You're going to help Ma buy groceries, though, right?"

I laughed lightly. "What kind of son would I be if I didn't?"

"A son of a bitch." She laughed and it was one of those authentic ones that made my heart ache. "I'm going to miss you, Ev."

"No doubt I'm going to miss you, too, but I'll only be a few streets and a phone call away."

She shrugged. "Still too far for comfort, but I'm glad you're doing this. We needed this. I needed this. Because we both know I wouldn't be strong enough to make this decision."

"Noel, you're stronger than you think. You're one of the strongest people I've ever seen." And I meant that, even if she was more than vulnerable at the moment.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. After putting her cigarette out, she spoke up. "I think you should leave now. Y'know, before I beg you to stay."

"I wouldn't, even if you did your best puppy dog eyes."

"You always were the more resistant of the two of us. Always holding your ground. Y'know, I admire that of you. You have the type of mindset I wish I had."

"Elle had it. That's how we became friends, remember? It was a trait we shared. I don't know what happened, but - "

She cut me off, shaking her head. "I know what happened. That's all that matters. Ev, I'll bring her back for you. I miss her, too. I hate what I've become."

"That's something we share, now." I stood up from the couch and so did she, throwing her arms around me in a hug. I hugged her back, because who knows when I'd see her again? We'd call, no doubt, but even phone calls faded away after a while. After about five seconds, I had to end it. If I didn't then, I never would.

I bent down to pick up my bags from the ground. There were only two. I had taken the rest during the week while she was out. It was sad how oblivious she'd become. I was halfway out the door when she stopped me and said, "Ev, I swear to God, the next time I see you, you better be showing off a stunning broad the next time I see you. Promise me you'll fall in love with someone other than me."

"I promise." I promised because that's the way it had to be. I knew this. She knew this. I was a lovesick puppy and she was the owner of a dog pound. We just couldn't be. Because even if she got her act together - in which she would - and became the Noel she once was, she'd never be

mine.

And I was finally okay with that. We both deserved better.