Status: Updated Whenever



I dont like mirrors.

I dont like looking at myself.

People don't tell me that i am not fat, people don't tell me that i am beautiful, people don't tell me that i am pretty, people don't tell me that i am funny, people don't really look at me, people only ever look at my weight.

I hear peoples piercing stares that pinch the nerves in my neck, making my hands twitch, i can feel them shouting "you are so fat" at me. I can feel it all. People don't love me, people don't care if i live or die.

Maybe i am only 16 and not young enough to make a choice for myself, but there is one thing that you don't understand is that i have already made my choice before i told you anything.

Alex always tells me that suicide is a bad idea. Not to me. He doesn't say, "Oh Jack-o i will miss you too much" his words are 'Jack, man thats so selfish, think about the people around you"

And he doesn't realise that i have already thought about it all, everyone, everything.

I just don't have the courage. Yet.

But when i woke up this morning, i decided that today i would kill myself. I would finally do something for myself. I would finally try and make myself happy.

I haven't told my mum or dad, because i don't want them to be disappointed in me that i wont be anything when i am older, i wont have a partner, i wont have children, they wont see my get married, all those things, sometimes its hard telling your parents those things.. so i chose not too.

I havent told my friends, because i know they have their own lives, i know they have their own things to do, their own problems and issues and me adding to that would be more of a burden that i would ever want to put on them

When i die, i won't see the crying faces, i won't see the shrugs of those who saw it coming, i won't see the non-existent speeches, i wont see anything or anyone. See why its so appealing?

I have some pills in my school bag, i am going to take them after recess.

And as recess draws to a close, i don't bother saying goodbye to my friends, i'd rather that they weren't involved. I stood up and excused myself from our table, i grabbed my school bag and stood in the grimy cubicle that was my resting place.

The pills were easy to swallow, the water i hadn't drunk all day, felt cool sliding down my throat, my whole boy was warm by the 20th pill.

And for some reason, knees to chest, head to knees, elbows on knees was how i was going to go.

Dying felt peaceful, dying felt warm and cuddly, my stomach hurt a bit and i was crying a bit, but i knew what was best for me in the end. I wont feel the pain soon.

I grabbed the small mirror i found on the floor walking here and held it up to my face.

I never liked looking in the mirror, but somehow, now i did.

I stopped trying to keep my eyes open, i stopped trying to hold my head up, i stopped trying to cry, because i knew that in the end, nothing would matter.

Everyone has different opinions on death, but mine was always the same "once you go, you go" and that exactly how it was. After my body relaxed and i felt my heartbeat slow down, my clock stopped.

My time was over and as much as i knew i would hurt so many people, i was finally happy, i was finally comfortable, i was warm, happy, safe and loved.

I never saw those speeches, i never saw those rushed faces of anyone around me, looking for me, i was found by an older teacher who i didn't know the name of

He reported it to the principals office, they called my parents, but none of them answered, they are away, i know because i waited until they were

Alex was next to know, i didn't see him cry, i just saw him nod and sigh, his head hanging low, but as soon as he saw his girlfriend, he was smiling and he was perfectly happy

My other friends were next to find out, they shrugged it off, i heard a few whispers like "i wondered when he was going to go" someone even asked "who's Jack?"

I knew i wasn't going to be missed, but the stabbing pain in my chest told me that i wanted to be missed more..
♠ ♠ ♠
based off how i feel right now