Breaking Hearts Still Looks Pretty Cool

Three years later.

“I’m still so hung over,” murmured Reagan as we walked through the scruffy dorm corridor. It was all a slightly shabby shade of pale yellow, generic so as to cater to both genders, and there were scuffs on all of the walls. The carpet we were walking on was slightly worn down, from generations of Columbia students tramping up and down the corridors.

I smirked at a very pale Reagan and sniggered a little bit. I was feeling completely fine; I’d only had a couple of drinks the night before. I had learned the dangers of drinking too much long ago...

“I don’t know why we stayed the night at Ben’s though,” I replied, “I feel weird being away from my room for too long,”

Reagan rolled her eyes, and flicked her ash blonde hair, “No one will have stolen your laptop,” she said sarcastically, “or your precious books,”

“Shut up,” I said playfully, withdrawing my key from my pocket and jamming it hastily into my lock. I was eager to get in and check my emails, and my facebook, before kicking back with an ice cold diet coke and watching a few episodes of the hills.

“Whatever, I need to get some sleep – urgently,” croaked Reagan, and we hugged briefly. She disappeared into the door opposite mine and I was finally able to collapse into my own private space.

I didn’t know how many people had been in it before me, but I liked my room. I had managed to make the white washed walls my own through pasted up pictures of everything and everyone I loved. My stuff was everywhere, and the smell of the perfume I had put on the night before lingered in the air. I inhaled deeply and flopped onto my bed, gently pulling my laptop off of my nearby desk with me.

I replied to emails from my mum and Ray, and wrote back to Mikey on facebook, and then I curled up under the covers to start the hills marathon I had been longing to have.

Just as the theme music began to tinkle out of my tiny laptop speakers, my cell phone started to vibrate in my pocket.

“Hello?” I answered rapidly. I had been hoping to receive an update from Frank, and was a little hurt that he hadn’t wanted to get into contact with me.

“Hi,” said a breathless female voice that sounded all too familiar, “long time no speak,”

“Hi Annabelle,” I said, clicking the lid of my laptop shut with a sigh. It looked like the hills was going to have to wait.

“Are you alright?” she asked, and I was about to draw breath to answer the customary ‘I’m fine’ when she asked another question, “Did Frank finally get into contact with you?”

My mouth fell open, “what?” I asked frantically, “why?! Is he alright?”

“You worry too much,” scolded Annabelle, “he’s better than alright! He has some amazing news!”

I wrinkled my nose in distaste at the fact that Frank had called Annabelle before me. He was like my brother, and I didn’t appreciate being sidestepped just because Annabelle lived a little closer than I did.

“What’s the news?” I asked,
“I should let him tell you,” said Annabelle, sounding very excited, “he was so looking forward to telling you...he said he called you like 5 times last night but couldn’t get hold of you,”

“I was at a party,” I sighed,

“Oh, so is that what you’re doing when you’re always busy at weekends?” asked Annabelle in a teasing voice, “special parties for the Ivy League? So that you can forget your old friends,”

I shuddered, “shut up Annabelle,” I said firmly, “I don’t live that far away anyway, it’s only Manhattan,”
“Yeah, and that’s why it’s so odd that we haven’t seen you in a month and a half! Of course, I lose the term ‘we’ loosely as you haven’t seen Ger-“

“What’s the news Annabelle?” I cut across her, “I don’t mean to snap,” that was a lie, I meant very much to snap and change the subject, “but I’m actually very, very busy.”
She sighed audibly, “if it wasn’t the most exciting news ever, I would so hang up on you right now,”

I glanced at my slightly mottled ceiling. ‘Tell me, tell me, tell me,’ I thought in irritation.

“MCR got a gig as a support band,” she said, her voice resuming its previous excited state,

“No!” I jumped up to my feet in excitement, “that’s amazing! Who are they supporting?”
“That’s the amazing part,” said Annabelle happily, “Green Day,”

I couldn’t help it, I let out a little scream. The people in the rooms surrounding me probably thought that I was mad, but I screamed again and did a little dance anyway. “That is amazing,” I said finally, “I can’t believe my boys are going to be touring with Green Day!”
“Yeah,” squealed Annabelle in response, “I was there when they got the call, it was so cute,”
I felt a minor pang of regret. I was slightly envious of Annabelle, because she had everything I didn’t have. She had ridden out the storm, turned her life around and was still with the love of her life, they went to the same college, she lived near all of her oldest friends and family, she was still connected with our old network in every way. I, on the other hand? The best thing I could say about myself is that I went to an Ivy League school. I may have made new friends, but that didn’t change the fact that I would always miss the old ones. Key moments, like them finding out about Green Day, were ones that I would never be able to be a part of. Not anymore.

“What you should be excited about,” continued Annabelle, “is the fact that we are going to get to go with them!”
I had to physically shake my head to try and get my head around her outlandish statement.

“Why would we go with them?” I asked,

“Hello, I’m Mikey’s girlfriend of four years, and you are Frank’s cousin, of course they’re going to take us with them!” I could just imagine Annabelle’s triumphant face, and her holding out her hand for me to high five.

“What about school?” I asked incredulously, “we can’t just take off to go on tour,”
“It’s a once in a life time opportunity,” replied Annabelle as if I was totally crazy, “you would be totally mad not to go,”

“Well, I technically haven’t been invited,” I started to say, but then Annabelle interrupted me,

“I know what this is about,” she said firmly, “and it’s nothing to do with your college education,”

I shook my head and fell onto my back. In all of the years I’d known her, Annabelle had never lost her slightly misguided judgement that she tended to stick to like glue.

“I really don’t think that you’re-“ I started to say,
“It’s been like three years, Connie!” Annabelle sounded quite indignant, and I got the impression that she had wanted to say this for a while, “and when was the last time you saw Gerard?”
My innards twisted uncomfortably at the mention of his name.

“Well, the last time I like properly saw him...was in the car park of that clinic...” we both paused awkwardly, not wanting to relive that particular painful period of our friendship.

“And when was the last time you spoke to him?”

“The same day, but in the waiting room...”

I realised that suddenly every muscle in my body was tensed up, just the thought of him rendered me completely unable to function...still.

“Quite frankly, I’m sick of the NGR!” added Annabelle matter-of-factly,

“What’s the NGR?” I asked, my discomfort at continual mention of Gerard replaced with confusion,

“The No Gerard Rule,” explained Annabelle, “it means that whenever any of us talk to you, we can’t mention Gerard because we’re too scared of what you’ll say, and whenever we meet up, Gerard can’t come because we don’t know what will happen if you two are in the same room. It’s exhausting! It’s like having to keep divorced parents apart!”

I sighed, she was making me sound completely pathetic.

“And you’re not the only one,” she continued, “Gerard has a NCR too,”

I thought about the significance of that for a moment. In my mind, it was impossible to comprehend that he might still think of me from time to time.

“So, in conclusion, I think it’s time you grew up, came on tour with the band, and go back to being friends with everyone!”

I sighed, “I’m willing to be friends with everyone,” I said, my mind barely registering what that would involve, “but I’m not going on the tour,”

“Fine,” said Annabelle immediately. I knew that that wouldn’t be the end of it; she thought that she would eventually be able to wear me down, “let’s take things one step at a time. Next weekend, you are coming back to Jersey, to my house, and we are having a reunion party!”

I gulped, “yeah,” I agreed, “I’ll be there,”

We hung up in good spirits, both chattering excitedly about how great it would be to get the old gang back together again.

I couldn’t sleep that night though, because there was one niggling thing gnawing at my mind.

After Gerard and I’s horrific break up, I put every memory of him I ever had in a metaphorical box at the back of my mind, and I locked it away. Three years on, was seeing him going to bring it all back?

I thought of the very literal box that was directly underneath me as I tried to get to sleep on the slightly lumpy mattress. In it, were all of the pictures and memories of Gerard and I. I didn’t know where he was that night, but for the first time in three years, he felt closer to me than ever.

And I didn’t like it.