Breaking Hearts Still Looks Pretty Cool

Jessica had decided that she could not live unless she watched MCR play from the side of the stage. I tried to see it from her point of view, and even though I knew that in the same situation, I would have been desperate to see Gerard live from the side too, I held irrational anger towards her as though she had somehow usurped my place. I felt so odd standing in her vicinity, watching my boys go on as the crowd screamed, that I merely hugged Frank and Mikey (who were the closest and last to go on) to say ‘good luck’ and then slunk off to the dressing rooms to be alone.

I sat stewing in my toxic thoughts for a few minutes, and then pulled my laptop out of my tote bag, figuring that I could put the time to good use, even though I was still too upset to get any decent work done.

When the door swung open, causing me to jump theatrically in my seat, I expected that Annabelle had come to find me and console me, but when I looked up, it was not a slick of gingery hair that I saw; it was three very familiar figures; I should have gotten used to the members of Green Day popping up at unexpected times, but my heart still raced and my palms still grew uncomfortably clammy.

“Hey,” I said, sounding as confused as I felt, “how are you guys?”
They exchanged identical looks that I could not fathom, and sat on the forest green couch opposite me.

“I think the more pressing question is how are you?” asked Mike, looking fairly concerned.

“I’m fine,” I lied. The last thing I was going to do was spill my guts out to Green Day for crying out loud!

“No you’re not,” Billie Joe countered astoundingly quickly, “you were crying earlier,”

My mouth fell open at this simple, and very correct statement, “How did you know that?” I asked, deciding that denying it would be unconvincing and fruitless.

“I could just tell,” he said, waving a hand as though this was a pointless detail, “you disappeared into the bathroom right after that stupid girl arrived and came back with red eyes,”

“Was it that obvious?” I asked, fearing that my eyes were about to go red and puffy with tears again extremely soon.

“Only to someone looking carefully,” said Tre kindly, uncharacteristically serious.

“Oh,” I wasn’t quite sure what to say after that.

“So, was it about...Jessica arriving?” Mike asked, but as though he already knew the answer that was circulating my mind.

I didn’t want to tell anyone what I was really feeling, so I pretended that my laptop was doing something perplexing.

“Come on,” said Billie Joe impatiently when I didn’t reply, “it’s obvious that this tour has caused a complete rekindling of yours and Gerard’s love for each other...don’t lie; and now her arriving as messed it up entirely,”
“How do you know all of this?” I half-demanded; you wouldn’t have thought that they would be so knowledgeable about my life, about my feelings. Or Gerard’s, for that matter.

“It’s not exactly hard to tell,” Mike snorted,

“Yeah,” agreed Tre, “especially from how he talks about you, and acts around you,”

My stomach suddenly ignited with excited curiosity, “what do you mean?” I asked eagerly,

“Oh, he can’t stop about how you’re the most beautiful girl ever, how funny you are, how sweet you are, how clever, how lovely, how cute, what lovely clothes you have, how your stuff is all mixed up with his in the bus because your beds are next to each other, how you were the love of his life...”
My heart did remarkable flip flops at the words ‘love of his life.’

“He hasn’t mentioned Jessica once,” said Mike firmly,

“He did,” corrected Tre, “he told us she called, and we were like ‘WHO’??”

I chuckled despite my efforts to remain solemn-faced.

“That doesn’t mean he...” I started to counter, but Billie was quick, as usual, to interrupt me with what he imagined was a home truth,

“Connie, you must have noticed it,” he said in disbelief, “he acts totally smitten around you,”

“He acts like my friend,” I corrected, ‘except for when we’re almost kissing...’ I added internally.

“No,” Billie Joe replied loudly, “He told me everything that happened between you and him, Connie, and let me tell you, I can recognise a man deeply in love and regret when I see one. I went through the same thing with Adrienne...” he paused for breath, “I saw her and I knew that she was the one, and our wedding was the best day of my life and we were so happy, we just fit...but I cheated on her, I made one fatal mistake, and I’m not proud of it. I have never been so fucking scared in my entire life, as when I thought she was going to leave me. Thankfully, she forgave me, and now we’re stronger than ever.”

I wanted to ask ‘how is that relevant?’ but he went right on and answered that for me.

“I could tell that it was the same for him and you, on a slightly lower scale of course, he was just desperate for you to forgive him, and it broke his heart when you didn’t,”

I opened my mouth to say ‘well maybe he should never have fucked my best friend then!’ but Billie was too quick,

“The important thing is that three years later, he’s not over it, he’s still waiting for you to turn around and say you forgive him and put him out of his misery! If you do love him, which I’m pretty sure you do, then tell him, and you won’t be disappointed.”

I have never heard a speech that gave me so much to think about and left me so speechless.

“Um,” I started to say, but the door opened.

“Oh my goodness!” said a girl’s voice, “I really can’t get over seeing you in everyday settings,”

It was Jessica, and of course, she was addressing Billie, Mike and Tre, and not me.

“Hey,” she added carelessly, but not meanly, to me.

“Hi,” I said in a tiny voice, slightly irritated that she’d interrupted such a crucial conversation.

“Looks like we’re up,” said Billie Joe, astutely realising that Jessica would only leave the side of the stage as MCR’s set was finishing.

“Good luck,” I said with as warm a smile as I could muster under my fraught circumstances.

“The same to you,” said Billie Joe quietly as he left the room with the others.

It was just Jessica and me. I slowly took in her appearance; she was pretty in a neat and sweet kind of way, but as Annabelle had commented, not exactly remarkable. In fact, she had the appearance and demeanour of a small bird perched on a telephone line; the kind of bird who could (and would) swoop down and defecate spectacularly on your head.

In under 30 seconds, Frank, Gerard, Mikey, Ray and Bob stormed in, followed closely by Annabelle, exhilarated grins fixed on all of their faces.

“What’s going on?” asked Frank, with a cautious look on his face that was clearly a result of seeing Jessica and I alone in a room together, albeit momentarily.

“Looks like Connie’s working,” said Jessica chirpily, and I felt a wave if irrational anger. Everything about her annoyed me totally, to the extent that I wanted to throw my book at her.

Frank looked at me with raised eyebrows in a silent comment at Jessica’s observation. I smirked back, pleased that at least one other person found her as annoying as I did.

“Gerard, can we watch Green Day from the side?” she asked sweetly,

“Um...” it was easy to tell that after over-exerting himself on stage, all Gerard wanted to do was kick back and relax, “sure,”

I could see, as she slipped her hand into his and led him out of the door, that Billie was right; I was going to have to act now or regret it for the rest of my life...