Breaking Hearts Still Looks Pretty Cool

The trouble with crying when you have somewhere you need to be is that you can’t actually be expected to find your way at all effectively. The tears that refused to stop blooming were totally blurring my vision as I tried in vain to get to Annabelle’s room. I tripped over my own feet as I headed for her doorframe, resulting in me falling into a pathetic heap on the floor.

I sobbed there, thinking that my position next to the carpet totally fitted my state of mind, when the door opposite opened, and fittingly, Frank walked out.

“Oh my god!” he exclaimed, immediately bending down to tend to me. “Are you ok? What am I saying...I don’t need twintuition to work out that you’re not ok, what is it?”

“M-M,” I could hardly talk through my sobs,

Annabelle’s door opened and I heard her gasp join my rasping sobs. “What happened?! What did Mikey say?”

She helped Frank haul me up and led me into the room. “What about Mikey?” Frank demanded of Annabelle, keeping a protective hand on my shoulder as I sat on the bed.

“Well,” Annabelle began, talking feverishly as though she was embarrassed, “Mikey is sort of in love with Connie, and he went to tell her...and I guess it didn’t go well...”

“What?!” yelped Frank, “Connie?”

My sobbing had subsided, leaving me ready to answer the question. “Yes,” I confirmed, “It would seem to be so that Mikey is in love with me...but that’s, that’s not it,”
I felt so pathetic admitting it out loud, “he asked Gerard for permission to tell me and be with me...” I trailed off,

Frank scoffed, “And Gerard would never give that to him, it’d be too weird and he still loves you...right?”

Annabelle’s brows were just extremely furrowed, she was stroking my hair absent-mindedly, and I felt like telling her that her extreme and ridiculous optimism would not work in this situation.

“Wrong,” I said tearfully in my tiny voice, “Gerard doesn’t want me...quote unquote,”

“What?” demanded Frank disbelievingly, “he wouldn’t say that...”

“He would,” I corrected, “he did...and Mikey stormed off,”

I burst into tears again, my whole body occupied with the convulsions that came with my heavy sobs.

“Why did he storm off?” asked Annabelle, snapping back into the conversation,

“Because I started to turn him down...” I told her, “But didn’t he think that that would happen? How could I ever be with Mikey after everything that’s gone on..?”
Annabelle bit her lip and looked down.

“I can’t believe this!” Frank had not removed his hand from his shoulder, but clenched his grip to match the angry tone in his voice,

“Well believe it,” I said, mustering the strength for some sarcasm, “welcome to my life,”

“Connie,” said Annabelle, kneeling in front of me so she could look into my eyes, “what is it that you want?”
I didn’t even know any more, so I kept silent.

“Because, the way I see it, you have two choices. You can either go and tell Gerard how you feel about him and ask him to give you another chance, and hope that he will agree that he wants to and give things another shot,”

The likelihood of him acting in that way seemed extremely slim.

“Or,” continued Annabelle, “you could maybe decide that you need to move on... mean, what’s wrong with getting over Gerard and moving on to something new...maybe you guys weren’t always meant to be...” her voice was faltering as if she felt guilty about what she was saying, but she persevered anyway, “you and Mikey always got on so well...and he really cares about you, I’m pretty sure you could care about him...I guess your second option is to just move on, onwards and upwards...”

That snapped me.

“What?!” I half-shrieked, standing up, “you think that pushing me and Mikey together will make you feel less guilty for leaving him for one of his best friends?”

“It’s not like that,” Annabelle started to say, her eyes wide with fear and alarm,

“Well that’s how it seems to me – TYPICAL,” it felt much better taking out my frustration and anger out on someone, someone who seemed to deserve it, like Annabelle. If it wasn’t for her, Gerard and I would never have ended in the first place...

But nevertheless, her words had gotten into my mind, and they were still permeating my brain after I slammed the door and stormed down the corridor. Going for Mikey may have been settling, but wouldn’t it end up ok in the end?

I gave myself a headache for thinking too hard, and when I finally reached the elevator, I pushed the button with such ferocity that I hurt my finger. I had made up mind, I was going down and fighting for Gerard. Love like ours was worth fighting for.

It was with that same stiff resolve that I stormed down the corridor that I knew Jessica’s room was on, guessing that he would be in there.

‘I’ll just ask him to step outside and have a word with me’ I said to myself in my head, trying not to entertain the possibility that I was going insane.

As I approached the door, I got a feeling of inexplicable lightness, and a sense of impending relief that I was finally going to be unleashing my feelings.

I got to the door, cream and expansive in the doorframe, the only thing standing between Gerard and I. I went to knock on it, and I saw that it was already ajar.

“...I’m glad that I actually decided to come out here and visit you,” Jessica’s bubbly voice was saying.

I had forgotten that the door was not the only thing standing between Gerard and I.

“...I was taking a risk, but I’m glad it paid off,”

“I’m kind of glad, too...” Gerard replied and the sound of his voice, talking softly to her, and not to me, made me want to run away. So I did.

I ran all the way down the corridor, and into the elevator, trying all the while to keep my tears in check.

I was barely conscious of the direction my steps were taking as I headed towards Mikey’s room, prepared to take the easy way out.

I knocked on the door, and it didn’t feel as wrong as I thought it would.

Mikey opened it, and a mild look of shock passed across his face as he saw me.

“Hi,” he said in a small voice, standing aside so that I could walk in,

“Hi,” I replied in a small voice,

“About earlier...” he ran his fingers through his hair, apparently for a lack of things to say, “I’m sorry...I should never have said that, I just...”

“It’s ok, I don’t mind,” I lied. I didn’t want him to mention ‘earlier.’

“I don’t even get why you’re here...” his voice trailed off with a tint of hopefulness, “I thought that you didn’t want me...” he slapped himself on the forehead, as if he was mentally berating himself for saying something so stupid,
“Well, you didn’t exactly give me much of a chance to get a word in earlier...” I said quietly, peering up at him from under my eyelashes. That was the look that always made Gerard want to kiss me.

“I guess not,” he took a step closer.

Either the look worked, or there were no more words needed, because Mikey gently kissed me. It didn’t feel unnatural as I had predicted it would, it felt, if anything, quite good. I let my eyes flicker closed as he enclosed me possessively in his arms.

“Wow,” he breathed as we broke apart, “I think that secretly I’ve wanted to do that ever since I did the first time, remember, after we found out about Annabelle and Gerard...”

I smiled, but couldn’t think of anything to say.

They say actions speak louder than words...