Breaking Hearts Still Looks Pretty Cool

“They’re so amazing! They’re so amazing!” Jessica was squealing the words as we all dutifully watched My Chemical Romance perform what was possibly their best set ever from the side of the stage at the next venue. We had been on tour so long that for me, the venues had all blended into one, and the shows seemed almost merged as well, with the same set lists, same greetings, with only the name of the city being called changing. The lustre and excitement of watching the shows from the side had even waned a bit. But this show was enough to wake Annabelle and I up from our slight onset of boredom; in doing that, it also animated Jessica beyond description.

“Yeah, they are,” Annabelle’s eyes were firmly fixed on Bob.

It took me a while to realise that my gaze was performing a small cycle of focusing on Mikey, Frank and Gerard in turn; lingering on Gerard in a blaze of passion I knew I should not have, on Frank in sibling pride and on Mikey in undefined fondness.

I turned to Jessica, who was till squealing in a way that irritated me greatly, and tried to look at her objectively. It was difficult, but I could see what Gerard might like about her, much as it made me want to kick her. At the same time, I knew that I would never be able to like her or accept her and Gerard as a unit. It looked wrong in my mind, when I forced myself to picture them together; her hair turned black and grew several more inches, and her eyes darkened to a chocolate brown and then it was like looking in a mirror. I wanted to see him with someone other than me, even if only to absolve my guilt over Mikey, but I couldn’t.

I could see how exhilarated Gerard was as he screamed into his microphone; his hair was filled with more sweat than usual, and there were several darker patches on the navy t shirt he was wearing. To some people he probably would have looked unattractive and somewhat shabby, but I had never wanted him more. I thought about running over to him and jumping into his arms, and it caused my heart rate to accelerate dramatically and my breath to come out in rags.

“Are you ok, Connie?” Jessica asked sweetly,

“Yes,” I choked out, trying not to hate her for being so nice when I could never be as pleasant in return.

“Ooh! I’m not ok! This is the last one!” Annabelle observed, and I knew she was looking forward to congratulating Bob. I focused my mind on telling Mikey how well he had done, and enveloping him in a sweet hug, but the thought of him covering me in his sweat made me cringe. Maybe he would have to have a shower first...

The boys perpetuated their extreme energy right through to the last chord, and a multitude of emotions were blasted out to the revved up crowd in the echoing sound that followed.

And then they were filtering offstage, and I stopped thinking; my emotions were running high and I felt ridiculously pumped up, and then suddenly there was Gerard, jogging towards me, meeting my eyes, taking my breath away, looking as exhilarated as I felt. I didn’t think, I ran towards him as well, under the pretence of congratulations.

“You were amazing!” I squealed loudly.

We were about to collide, we should have collided, but as our bodies touched, he somehow lifted me up, or maybe I jumped; and in a rush of headiness I had thrown my arms around his neck and wrapped my legs around his waist.

“Well done, well done, well done,” I sang in his ear enthusiastically,

“Thanks,” he whispered back, spinning me around, “that was AMAZING!” he said that part louder, and set me down so that he could look into my eyes.

It was like no one else existed, as cliché as any fantasy; I could just imagine him leaning down and kissing me there and then...

But that wasn’t practical. There was an awkward pause, and then Jessica broke it by shouting “GERARD YOU ARE AMAZING,” and hugging him, but, I noticed with a wry grin, not quite as passionately as I had...

I earned several disapproving glances from Annabelle, Frank and Mikey throughout the course of the rest of the evening. Of course, Annabelle and Frank were the only ones to actually voice their reasoning.

I had been trying to avoid everyone’s gaze, especially Gerard’s, all night, but when Annabelle and Frank cornered me in the elevator, I succumbed.

“What?” I asked, probably in a more confrontational matter than was required, “you’ve been making the eyes at me all night, what’s up?”

“Do you really like Mikey at all?” asked Frank. He didn’t seem critical, but more worried for the state of his friendship group and band – it was fast becoming his livelihood. “If this is just going to end up in tears, then...” he trailed off, and examined my face in a way that made me want to cry.

“Of course,” I said falteringly, “I mean, I do...it’ll take time for me to get to the same place he’s in, but I’ll get there eventually,”

“Well jumping into Gerard’s arms earlier didn’t exactly make it look like you’re over him,” snapped Annabelle, clearly worried for Mikey’s welfare.

“It looked like you were a couple,” Frank classified carefully,

“It was an impulse! And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t blow it out of proportion...I know I don’t mean anything to him...”

Frank opened his mouth, whether to respond normally or counter my argument I did not know, when the elevator doors slid open.

“Hi guys,” Gerard stood there, for some reason looking slightly guilty, “there you all are, I was just...” he met my eyes, and I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I knew what he was doing, waiting for the elevator. He was intending to go down to Jessica’s room, on the lower floor.

It was a struggle to stay emotionless as I walked silently back to my room.