Breaking Hearts Still Looks Pretty Cool

It had been raining all day and the wonderful smell of it lingered mistily in the air. The pathway that led to Annabelle’s front door was littered with small puddles, and the ground seemed to shine with water-induced iridescence. It was a familiar scenario, walking the short length to Annabelle’s door anticipating a party. Everything was the same, except for the fact that I had never been quite so nervous in this situation before.

Frank was trailing along next to me, still chuckling over a joke we’d made in the car.

“It’s the same isn’t it?” he asked, and I knew that he wasn’t just referring to the house looming in front of us, but the whole town. We had spent the whole day re-visiting our adolescent haunts, reminiscing about the countless good times we’d had.

“Yeah,” I agreed with a touch of nostalgia, “but it’s not as though it’s been that long!”

He nodded in agreement, and then chimed out a bell-like laugh.

The truth was that it had only been a couple of months since I’d been in NJ. I hadn’t really looked at it though, or properly confronted my memories, for three whole years.

“Are you ready?” Frank asked, and I realised that I had been rocking back and forth on my feet, staring fearfully at the front door.

“Why would I not be ready?” I asked, feigning confidence,

“Because you haven’t seen him in a long time,” said Frank calmly, taking my hand and squeezing it in an understanding gesture.

I took a deep breath in to distract from an odd pain that was forming in my chest and nodded jerkily.

“I’ve had a really great day Frank,” I told him warmly, “and I’m ready for this,”

“Good,” Frank smiled at me and knocked on the door.

As she rushed to answer it, Annabelle looked no different than she had when we were in our teens. Her freckled face was flushed with the excitement that always accompanied parties and the smile spread across her face was as intoxicating as any alcohol.

“It’s the twins!” she called over her shoulder, and then swiftly proceeded to envelope Frank and I in warm hugs.

“Hey,” I said, noticing with a start that my voice sounded suspiciously shaky. I hadn’t even been aware that my palms were steadily growing clammier and my heart rate was accelerating alarmingly. The mysterious pain in my chest returned with a vengeance, and I found it hard to draw my next breath.

“Are you ok Connie?” she asked worriedly, cocking an eyebrow in a concerned manner. Frank did the same, rapidly turning to me questioningly.

“I’m great!” I lied, knowing that it was only a chronic case of nervousness, “now let me get in there and see everyone!”

I was acutely aware that every single quaking step I took towards the living room brought me within a closer proximity to Gerard; the image of him standing forlornly in the car lot of the clinic flashed fleetingly in my fraught mind.

The light from inside the room glowed welcomingly, and I took a deep breath before entering in.
“Connie!” called Ray’s voice first off, and my vision was spontaneously obscured by his overbearing hair as he hugged me tightly.

“Hi,” I squeaked out, “I can’t breathe,” he didn’t refrain from hugging me tightly, though.

“Don’t you ever stay away this long again!” he said loudly in my ear.

I winced, as our hug reached a natural end and we pulled away from each other.

“It’s only been a few months, Ray,” I said, a smile,

“A few months too long,” he assured me with a dazzling grin,

I returned it, only to be launched on by someone else decidedly bonier.

“Hi Mikey,” I said breathlessly, for he too, was squeezing me far too tightly.

“It’s been forever,” he said seriously,

“It’s been a couple of months,” I replied, but I secretly felt quite pleased that everyone seemed to have missed me so much.

The problem was, there was no one else left to greet now but new-guy and Gerard. I wasn’t too thrilled with the prospect of either, so I felt dread start to spontaneously build up within me within the timing of a split second. I quickly glanced over my shoulder, and saw that Annabelle had disappeared mysteriously. Frank was standing looking quite worried, rubbing his nose distractedly.

Fortunately, New-Guy was sitting on the arm of the couch after Mikey, so that he was providing a convenient buffer between Gerard and I. Introducing myself with him would postpone the painful moment when I confronted Gerard once more.

“Hi,” I said in an overly bright voice, “I’m Connie,”

He stood up rapidly, and I was immediately impressed by his politeness.

“I’m Bob,” he said with a welcoming smile, “I’ve heard so much about you,”

“Wow,” I said embarrassedly, running my fingers through my hair as I tried to think of ways to draw out the conversation.

“So you’re the new drummer?” I asked unnecessarily. My subconscious mind flicked straight to Gerard and I wondered why he had dismissed Matt so acrimoniously.

“Yeah,” Bob nodded his head in affirmation, “I already feel like family,” he quipped, and I nodded in agreement.

“I guess these guys do have that kind of effect at you!”

My voice sounded eloquent, elegant, and happy. It astounded me, because inside I could feel myself slowly falling apart in a panic. How was I supposed to greet Gerard? What would he say to me, and I to him? What if looking into his excruciatingly perfect hazel eyes brought it all back again?
“Connie!” called Annabelle’s voice, and I momentarily rejoiced that she had delivered me from having to approach him.

“Yeah?” I called over my shoulder, smiling at Bob to excuse myself.

“I’m getting some drinks, can you give me a hand?”

“Sure,” I called back, feeling slightly confused. Annabelle was the one who had originally wanted us to ‘all be friends,’ and she was the one keeping me from talking to Gerard. I wasn’t complaining, though, as I walked briskly into the kitchen.

“Ooh! You made margaritas!” I said appreciatively when I saw the pitcher on the counter top.

“Don’t ‘Ooh! You made margaritas’ me!” replied Annabelle in a low and dangerous voice, tossing her bright red hair aside aggressively, “you’re stalling!”

I knew what she was referring to, but I played innocent anyway, “stalling what?” I asked,

“Stalling talking to Gerard,” answered Annabelle irritably, “and don’t even pretend that you aren’t! You have to talk to him!”

“I was just about to when you called me,” I sighed, and it wasn’t even a lie.

“Oh,” Annabelle faltered, “can I leave you to finish this?”

I wasn’t really sure what needed finishing, but I did know that I was going to need a bit of liquid courage before talking to Gerard. I grabbed the open bottle of tequila and poured a small amount of it into a shot glass. I was just about to down it when someone else walked into the room.

I was expecting it to be Annabelle, but a man clearing his throat startled me.

I knew who it was before he spoke, but I was still surprised when I heard the dulcet tones of his voice.

“Long time no see,” said Gerard’s silken tones,

I forgot to breathe for a second, and the pain in my chest was worse than ever.

“Yeah,” I agreed, pausing before I turned around. First off our eyes met and I felt strangely heady. Then I realised that I still hadn’t breathed since he had walked in, so I took in an obvious and gasping breath, as though I was just waking up from drowning.

“It’s good to see you, Miss Ivy League,” he said with a crooked smile, “you look great,”

I blushed and looked down. I didn’t want him to think of me as an Ivy League girl far away from the person he used to know. I was the same Connie, and he was the same Gerard. At least, that’s what was running through my mind as I stood there in his presence.

“So do you,” I said, blushing again as I realised that it was true. He looked better than ever, in fact. His hair was shorter than when we were first together, and it was lustrous and shiny. Time had not changed the magnetism of his features, and he looked delectable in his old iron maiden t shirt and black skinny jeans.

“So how’re you enjoying college?” he asked, and I could hardly bare to look into his eyes.

“I like it, a lot,” I said, feeling slightly dazed. I wondered dimly if it was hard for him talking to me, considering how we ended things.

“I-“ he started to say, but then he bit his lip and paused. “I’m glad you’re...good,”

I felt an inexplicable stab of disappointment, “Right back at you,” I smiled, “And congratulations, I mean, going on tour with Green Day is a huge deal!”

Gerard nodded sublimely, “yeah, I guess it is...”

“Oh!” said a voice in the doorway. Frank had walked in, apparently unaware that Gerard and I were breaking the ice.

“Hey Frank,” Gerard visibly relaxed as he addressed Frank,

“Um, sorry to interrupt,” Frank said quietly, turning frantically questioning eyes towards me,

“It’s ok,” assured Gerard, “I should probably-“

He paused awkwardly and looked at me, “See you around?” he said, and then he walked slowly out of the kitchen.

I felt like my stomach had just fallen out.

“You were talking?” asked Frank excitedly,

“Yeah, I guess we were,” I replied weakly, noticing, as my body slowly came back to life, that my legs were shaking. I could hardly call my experience with Gerard a conversation.

“How was it?” enthused Frank, taking some speedy steps towards me.

I shrugged, looking at the doorway Gerard has just exited from.

Our communication had been brief, but it rendered me certain of something; I wasn’t over him yet.