Breaking Hearts Still Looks Pretty Cool

Time behaves oddly sometimes. There are days when you can sit doing nothing, blink, and suddenly see that 2 hours have passed. There are other occasions when you look at the clock expecting hours to have gone passed to see that it’s only been 10 minutes. The two months leading up to the tour seemed to pass in what felt like the course of a few days, so when I was sitting on Annabelle’s couch the night before, catching up and making last minute arrangements, I felt quite drastically underprepared for what I was about to undertake.

I had cleared out my room at college (I would be missing the whole of the final semester of the year, so would not be going back), said goodbye to all of my friends, packed far too much into my huge pile of luggage that was now occupying Annabelle’s hallway, and bade farewell to my mother, too. Even though everything was done, I felt like I was missing some key thing.

Maybe it was because I was secretly incredibly apprehensive.

‘What have I let myself in for’ I kept thinking over and over in my confused mind. The prospect of spending unlimited time with Ray, Mikey, Frank, Annabelle, and to a certain extent, Bob was certainly exciting and something I would never pass up. On the other hand, I could not spend unlimited time with them without being forced to spend unlimited time with Gerard, too. And that, to put it mildly, was terrifying.

“Are you ok?” Annabelle asked pensively. We were sprawled out in front of a movie, though neither of us was really focusing on it, with the plan of staying there together for an old-style sleepover before flying out to LA to catch the tour bus that was waiting there.

“I’m fine,” I answered automatically,

“You seem like you’re thinking hard about something,” she observed, immersing her hand into a large bowl of popcorn we had prepared.

“I’m wondering if I’ve packed everything I need,” I answered quietly, not exactly lying.

“Stop freaking out!” Annabelle practically ordered, tossing her red hair over her shoulder as she always did.

“I’m not,” I lied unconvincingly, deciding that taking in a huge mouthful of popcorn might help matters.

“Connie, I’ve known you so long you’re like a part of me,” Annabelle told me assertively, “and it is not just packing you’re fretting about!”

I sighed, there was no use in lying to Annabelle, and she could always tell when I wasn’t telling the truth. I wondered fleetingly if, like Reagan, she had picked up on the eyebrow-raising thing, but didn’t mention it.

“Ok,” I surrendered, “I guess I’m a tiny bit worried about spending so much time in a confined space with Gerard...” I trailed off, shrugging my shoulders a little,

Annabelle smiled in a self-satisfied way, and shook her head almost pityingly at me.

“It’ll be fine,” she said knowingly, “you got on fine at the reunion party!”

I shook my head worriedly, “I guess,” Annabelle didn’t exactly know how I’d felt after that conversation.

“If you’re worried about feelings coming back and stuff,” Annabelle began slightly stiffly, as though she was about to relinquish information that she didn’t want to, “you don’t have to worry...because he’s seeing someone,”

She screwed up her face as if bracing herself for sudden impact.

I felt my breath momentarily vacate my body and my heart stopped beating for a split second; then everything came crashing back with a vengeance; my heart raced faster than ever and my breaths became deep and laboured. He couldn’t be seeing someone else, it was impossible.

I had been in involuntary mourning for three years, and there he was seeing someone else! It was almost too much to stomach. I was about to smash my fist into a couch cushion when I realised that I should not have been feeling any of those things. I should have been totally indifferent, but the undeniable fact was that I wasn’t, and couldn’t be indifferent.

It seemed like it was always going to be that way with Gerard; I was never going to be able to just not care anymore.

I was about to say something casual, but my face must have betrayed what I was really feeling, because Annabelle started speaking again.

“Don’t get upset!” she said warningly, and I opened my mouth to protest.

I was always supremely good at holding back my feelings until the last moment, but this time I didn’t even feel like doing that. Maybe if I explained, Annabelle could help...

“When I say he’s seeing someone,” she continued, “I mean, like 3 dates or something,”

That was little comfort to me, but I allowed her to carry on speaking.

“And this is the closest he’s ever come to a girlfriend in 3 whole years, Connie!” her tone made me feel like I was completely in the wrong for feeling anything negative about this ‘relationship.’

“So?” I couldn’t help but let the word slip out, “I haven’t even come that close Annabelle!”

Annabelle knitted her eyebrows together with a confused expression and put a calming hand on my arm.

“What do you mean, Connie?” she asked seriously, “do you still love Gerard? Is that what this is about?”

I thought about the note that I had found a few months previously, and even though it was just paper in my jeans pocket, it weighed heavily down on me. I felt slightly stupid every time I relocated it to the piece of clothing I was wearing, but somehow I couldn’t help the words from resonating around my skull as if they had been imprinted there.

I need you to forgive me, or else I will never be able to forgive myself.

I love you.

Your Gerard.

“No,” I denied hotly, although I felt a blush creep onto my face, “I’m just annoyed that he’s seeing someone else and I’m not,”

Annabelle laughed, “You wouldn’t be annoyed about her if you didn’t still like him!”

I shook my head obstinately, feeling slightly shaken at how close I’d come to revealing all of my true, completely confused feelings.

I opened my mouth to say something else to defend myself, but Annabelle spoke again.

“Connie,” she said in a more serious voice, “It’s not like this girl is even coming on tour or anything, he won’t even see her!”

I didn’t feel much better at these words.

“And,” added Annabelle, “if you wanted him back...it could totally happen,”

‘It could totally happen,’

Now I had different words reverberating around my mind.

By the following morning, my mind was no less perplexed. I still couldn’t decide how I felt about Gerard, I was still terrified at being faced with him, and on top of that I was still mildly excited about the tour.

“Come on!” squealed Annabelle as we sleepily made our way through the LA airport we had just arrived at.

“The bus will still be there in 5 minutes’ time,” I laughed weakly, feeling faintly nauseous. The truth was that I was looking for any delay, however minute.

Annabelle was relentless though, and soon we were standing, panting, outside what looked like a surprisingly normal bus.

“Oh,” sighed Annabelle disappointedly, “I thought it would look a bit more...rock ‘n’ roll,”

I giggled, suddenly overcome with excitement, “maybe Green Day’s one is a bit better!” I said, only just remembering that it wasn’t just My Chemical Romance we were going to see.

“Oh. My. Goodness,” Annabelle half-shrieked, “I nearly...”

“Forgot?” I suggested, catching her eye. We both lapsed into fits of giggles.

“Where are they?” Annabelle craned around, looking for another bus,

“Maybe they’re already on their way,” I suggested, looking at the slightly ominous grey steps in apprehension.

Annabelle seized my arm comfortingly. “Let’s go,” she announced, and proceeded to pull me up the stairs.

The bus was modest, but not basic. On the first level, there were a few rows of seats that were almost like couches, and a television screen with what looked like a dvd player attached. On the opposite side of the room, there was a minute kitchen area panelled with stainless steel, complete with a little table and chairs nailed down to the thinly carpeted floor. There was a door opposite the entrance marked ‘restroom/shower’, and there were also small stairs leading up to the top deck, where I assumed some beds were.

“It’s cute, isn’t it,” said Annabelle, slightly in awe.

“Yeah,” I breathed excitedly, forgetting about Gerard completely.

Perhaps the best thing about the whole scene was the fact that assembled on the couches were some of my favourite people in the world.

“HI!” they all chorused together, and Mikey and Ray got to us first. Mikey wrapped Annabelle in an intimate hug and kissed her passionately, whilst Ray hugged me tightly and swung me around in the air.

“It’s great to see you kid,” He said quietly into my hair, not letting me down, “I’m glad you decided to come,”

I could feel Frank pulling at my shins, evidently in an attempt to get me down so that he could hug me too. Bob stood slightly awkwardly to the side, but grinned in a genuine way that made me think that we could become good friends.
Suddenly, a resounding flush came from the door marked ‘restroom,’ and Gerard emerged, looking slightly baffled.

Ray relinquished his hold on me, and the slight thud my feet made when they hit the floor was the only sound.

“Connie?” he croaked, in a plaintive voice that reminded me forcefully of times we spent together alone in his room,

I blushed under his gaze, suddenly very aware that I was only wearing casual travelling clothes,

“Ah yes,” said Frank awkwardly, “turns out she is coming, after all,”

Gerard looked dumbfounded for a moment, his mouth hanging open awkwardly. Then, he seemed to catch himself, “great,” he said unconvincingly, “Really great, it would be stupid to waste the extra bed,”

With that, he speedily crossed the room to collect himself a bottle of water.

“You didn’t tell him?” I hissed to the rest of the assembled group, elbowing Frank painfully in the ribs.
“Ow!” he replied indignantly, rubbing his side,

“It just seemed like a good idea at the time,” said Annabelle desperately, “you know, because...”

She didn’t seem to have an explanation lined up, though.

Mikey snorted, “oh get over it, the pair of you,” he ordered, grinning at me cheekily before he went to go and join his brother.

“He looked at me like I was the fucking ghost of Christmas past,” I said hollowly to Frank, Ray and Annabelle, “this tour is going to be...”

I couldn’t find a word.

“Amazing!” substituted Annabelle,
“Fabulous,” said Ray, flopping out his hand in a camp way,
“The best,” finished Frank, gently rubbing my arm.

Hell. I thought to myself.