Letters

"It hurts"

The next day I had a message on twitter from the girl at the hairdresser. She was called Jess and she was nice.

I stayed all week with Roxane, and I barely had time to call you. After she came home, I called and you seemed upset, but you didn't told me it was the reason.

The eleven days after she left, I was planning everything.

Since Jess had never met you, and I really needed someone driving me to Phoenix, we agreed that she would come with me to the show, be backstage with me, and then I would go with you, and she would sleep at a cheap motel, then go back home.

When I asked you if it was okay, you answered: "I don't give a flying fuck about how you come here, or who you come with. The only thing that matter is that you come with me. In every meaning."

So I was sitting with Jess for the whole drive, and she was nice. We talked and laughed.

We went to the venue. It was early, around five. We went outside, and said our names to the guard at the entry.

We walked in, and you ran to me, wrapping your arms around me. You crashed your lips on mine, but i winced and pulled away. You frowned. I blushed hard.

"It hurt." I told you.

You stared. "What?" I'm pretty sure you were believing I was saying that kissing you was hurting me.

"The piercing..."

"You mean, I can't kiss you?!"

"Hum.. well... Yeah?" I asked more than anything.

I heard Austin's laugh next to us. You pouted, but kissed my cheek, your arms still around me.

"I'm not sure Alan is gonna survive if he can't kiss you!" Tino laughed.

You rolled your eyes.

"Sorry!" I shouted, remembering Jess presence. I saw that she was next to them, not knowing what to do. "Guys, This is Jess, a fan! She drove me there." I pointed at her. She smiled wide, as they all welcomed her.

"I'm noticing you haven't even give a single hug to your best friend on this planet, Zoey." Austin told me.

"I got another cuddle buddy, sorry." I said, as your hand went inside of the back of my shirt.

"I'm really mad." Austin smiled.

"What the fuck are you do-Zoey?!" We heard Justin voice as he came inside. "what are you doing there?"

"you didn't know I was coming?"

"I forgot." He shrugged, and I laughed.

I felt your eyes on me, and I turned to you. Your eyes were glued on my lips.after some seconds you looked up. Lust was twirling in your eyes. I felt myself melting, and my throat going dry. Your eyes went down on my body, and you were imagining everything you could do to me. I looked away, knowing that if I looked for too long at that sexy look on your face, we would have to go to the closest bathroom.

"And this is Jess, a fan of Of Mice. Jess, here's Justin, Of mice's guitar Tech." Another guy walked behind Justin. He was bald, and was focused on the camera in his hands.

"Hi, Jess." Justin smiled.

The guy rose his head. and smiled, with a gentle smile.

"Adam Elmakias. Nice to meet you, Zoey." He smiled, extending his hand. I smiled and shook it.

"Nice to meet you too. I love your work." I smiled wide. He smiled back. "And this is Jess, a fan I've met."

They shook each other hands.

"How about you two go take your stuff to put them in the bus?" Austin proposed.

Jess eyes went wide. "In the bus?!"

Austin turned to her, an eyebrow risen. "Well, you aren't gonna sleep in the streets."

"We had planned that she would go sleep in a motel. But if you're okay with that, that would avoid paying."

"Ow. Well, It's just as you want, Jess. We have just one spare bunk, and since Zoey sleep in Alan's one, you can sleep there." Phil smiled.

"Yeah, sure!" She nodded, her eyes shining. I laughed.

~~~

Until it was time to go on the stage, your arms never left my sides. You also barely talked. We were with everyone else, minutes away from the beginning of the show, when you decided to put your head in my neck. Your lips kissing sucking or nibbling on my skin. I turned my head, to let you a better access, as my eyes almost closed. Your hands went to my ass.

"Alan, take your hands off of her, we're going on stage." Austin laughed.

You moved your mouth up to my ear and whispered "I don't need to kiss you to make you come." While pressing your hips to mine.

You pulled away, smirking at me. I smirked back seeing the bulge in your pants. You took your guitar, as the guys shook their head at your actions.

You went back to me, with your guitar, and let your forehead rest against mine.

"I love you, Zoey."

"Me too." I looked in your eyes.

"I'm really sorry that the piercing hurt, I guess it was a bad idea, I'm sorry, that was mean, but I promise it wasn't what I wanted to-"

I cut you by pulling my lips against yours. I kissed you sweetly, slowly to be sure not to hurt myself. You answered with your feelings. I had butterflies in my stomach. Your hands were on my face. You licked my bottom lip, on the side without piercing, asking to enter. I instantly opened my mouth, trying to once again not hurt myself too much. You were paying attention to not kiss me too hard, and to not touch the piercing. Our tongue danced.

"Oh come on, can you just stop fucking each other all the god damn time?!" Shay snapped at us.

We pulled away, and you kissed my forehead, before going with the other.

Even if we could hear the fan screaming, the room was silent. You were looking away, trying to not make things worst, while Austin and Shay seemed pissed.

You winked at me, before running on stage. I couldn't help smiling like a fool.

"You two are amazing." Jess smiled.

"I know."

"Since how many time are you together?" She asked.

"Before he was in Of Mice. almost a year and a half."

"Still talking about your lovely boyfriend you love with all your heart?" Justin said, laugh in his voice.

"Shut it, Justin." I laughed back.

"I love you too, Zoey." I rolled my eyes.

~~~

When I opened my eyes, my skull was hurting as hell. I saw you sleeping next to me, your mouth open -as always. I looked down at myself, to see that I was wearing one of your shirt, and some panties. I stood up, out of the bunks, and walked to the lounge. The rest of Of Mice and men, Justin, Adam, and Tony, the drum tech, were all sitting there, smiling like crazy at me. I didn't bothered into asking, but went into the kitchen to take some aspirins.

"Had a rough night, I see." Justin smirked.

I shrugged, and sat on the couch. Adam was staring a bit at me, and it probably was because I had no pants on, and no bra, and even with a shirt on, it's still easy to see. All of the guys were used to it, by now. But they kept staring, that day.

"What?" I finally asked.

"Last night was... fun, to say the least." Tino smirked.

I frowned. I tried to remember. Everything was confused. "It was?" I asked.

There was a second of silence before they all exploded in laughter. I frowned. "What happened?"

"Well" Austin managed to say, once he calmed down. "It's better if we show you. Adam took videos."

My eyes went wide with fear, as I sat next to Adam.

"Sorry." He said. "I was a bit drunk myself, and I posted one of the video. I've deleted it, but some people have already seen it, and have took it and re-posted. Sorry."

I just shrugged. I didn't really cared about that, I just wanted to see. He turned the screen of the computer on his lap, and turned the video on.

I was standing on a stage, in the video, and Dimestore Diamond by Gossip was blasting out loud. It was the "Gonna get you one" part, in the middle of the song. I was dancing, to the beat of the song, mouthing the lyrics. Moving my whole body to the music, in a very sexual way. Honestly, I looked like a stripper. And I barely had more clothes on than one.

As the singer was singing "Everybody knows the things she does to please, low cut sweaters with her skirt above her knees, she's a dimestore diamond." I walked closer to Alan, who was siting by the bar, staring at me.

The video stopped there, and I covered my mouth with my hand.

"Did I really did that?"

"Yes. And on more than one song." I blushed hard at Justin's remark.

"Oh my god." I whispered."I don't remember anything. Just some flashes."

"What do you remember?" Austin asked.

I focused on the memories, and remembered being with you, as you were nibbling on my bare breasts, against a wall. It was probably outside. Then I remembered one time, in your bunk, as you were behind me, spooning me, while thrusting hard in me. I stroked my eyes.

"You don't remember anything?" Adam asked me.

"Nothing I can actually talk about." I answered, as everyone else laughed. I focused again. I remembered doing shots with everyone. I remembered some details, then remembered being with you, in a bathroom, probably the bar's one, giving you a blowjob.

Gosh, that nigh was hot. I though. It felt so weird to not remember what happened.

"I remember the shots with you guys, but that's about all."

"Can't you all just shut the fuck up?" We heard you complain from the bunks, as you walked into the lounge, wearing a pair of boxers and a shirt. You walked straight to the kitchen to get some aspirins, as I did.

"Do you remember last night?" I asked.

"How about you ask in two hours?" You answered. You were obviously feeling like shit after all of the alcohol of the night before.

"Holy shit!" Justin swore, and stood up. He took you by the collar of your shirt. "That's a fucking huge hickey!" He said, pulling at your collar. You frowned. Justin showed us all, and you had probably one of the biggest hickey ever, on your collar bones. I stared a bit, wondering when I had done it.

You looked at yourself on the bus' window, before turning around to stare at me.

I held up my hands in a 'I didn't do anything, don't kill me' gesture. "She doesn't remember what happened last night. Do you?" Phil asked. You stared blankly at him.

"Not a god damn thing. Shit."

"Look at the video, then!" Austin laughed.

You stared at thee video, and probably at me. At the end of the video, you stared into my eyes. Straight into them.

"Shit. I wish I remembered more. It seems that it was an awesome night."

"Seems like it." Tino laughed.

"Look at that!" Phil exclaimed, pointing at my lower self. I blushed a bit, and covered myself with the shirt. "The inside of your thigh" he said. I opened my legs enough to look at it, to see a huge hickey there.

"Ow." Was the only thing I said. I wasn't really comfortable, but the guys were laughing, so I laughed with them.

I don't remember who made a remark about how good you and I seemed to be, in bed. I acted as if it was nothing, but I didn't really liked to talk about me that way.

You sat down next to me and kissed my forehead. I smiled.

"What happened to Jess?" I asked.

Austin smirked, and everyone else looked in his direction. "She came home before you two woke up." He said. But we all knew what he had done with her before.

I simply nodded. I didn't want to talk about Austin's sex life. I knew he didn't want either, because we were going to argue. I knew why he was now doing as many night stands as he could: Gielle. Because she had hurt him beyond what he said. She had broke a little thing inside of him, that made him never want to be with anyone. Yeah, he had girlfriends from times to times, but that was never serious. He didn't cared about them. I hope he's gonna find someone to change his mind. I hope I'll see it, but I don't think so. Anyway, back to the story.

So the guys continued laughing at us, and I felt more and more uncomfortable.

You kissed my temple, and whispered to me. "Back to the bunk?" I turned to you, trying to know if you asked that with lust or not. But no, you were just smiling. I nodded.

You stood up and took my hand, leading me to the bunk.

"Not enough yet?" Austin laughed.

You only rolled your eyes in answer. "Woman first" You smiled. I entered the bunk, you behind me. You instantly wrapped your arms around my waist.

"Why?" I asked.

You shrugged. "It seemed like you didn't want to be there." I smiled. "Does it still hurt?" You pointed my lips with a movement of your head.

"Not really. It's just if I touch it too hard, you know? I guess the alcohol made me forget about it."

You smiled, and slowly, you kissed me, paying attention not to hurt me.

When we pulled away, I rested my head against your chest.

"I love you Zoo."

"You love me because of the night full of sex we just did." I laughed.

"Obviously! Why else would I love you?" You laughed. I looked up to you, and you stared back at me. A loving smile on your features. "Not for your perfect smile, your shiny eyes, or your simply perfect body. Who would love you for all of that?" You ironically said. "Same goes for your mind! Who would love your perfect, but weird way of thinking. Or the fact that you're so smart. Or all of your jokes. Definitely, I don't know who could love you." You had a big smile on your face, and I knew you meant the exact opposite of what you were saying. But I choose to play dumb. Just to hear you say that you loved me once again.

"Nobody loves me, then. I knew it." And with that I turned my back to you.

You went closer, and spooned me, kissing from my shoulder to my neck.

"I love you so much, Zoey. It's scary. I would do pretty much everything for you, but sometimes it scares me. If you walked away from me, from my life, I have no idea what would happen to me. I can't imagine my life without you."

I closed my eyes. Your words felt like a knife through my chest. You didn't know. You didn't know how serious my heart disease was. You didn't know I could die any day. I could never woke up the next day. You didn't know any of this, but you truly believed you couldn't live without me. But I knew you would have to. I knew I wasn't going to live old. But thinking about it, I understood I felt the same way. I couldn't be without you.

"Me too, Alan. But what if someday life makes that we are without each other? What would happen?"

"I'm not sure I want to know." Your grip tightened around me. "Pease, never ran away like you did."

I froze and turned round. "Do you still think I'm gonna go?"

"Well.. You left because you thought it was better for me. And because you were afraid of my feelings. And of yours. I don't want you to feel the same way again, and ran away. I wouldn't survive it, now."

I looked straight into your eyes. "Alan, I love you. I don't think I would be able to live without you, neither. I promise you I won't walk away."

We smiled at each other, and you slowly kissed me.