Letters

Was she with that other guy, now? Were they holding hands? Or kissing each other passionately??
I was on my couch, in front of the TV. I thought the TV was on, but I wasn't sure.
After the... discussion... with Zoey, I crashed on my couch. I don't exactly know how much time had passed, since.
My mind was full of images of her, of her and that guy, even though I didn't know him. All I could think about was her,naked, underneath him, moaning his name loudly. The two of them, holding hands underneath a table, in a bar, or them, kissing.
Were they in love, as we used to?
Nine months.
It was a very long time, nine months. Why did she stay with me, if she wanted to be with that guy? Maybe she wanted the two of us.
I thought back to all the things that had happened during those nine months.
I could never have guessed she was cheating. Nine months ago, we had been so in love with each other. On her birthday, she had already been a little down, but on our anniversary? When the reissue of The Flood came out? We were so much in love.... and she was already with that guy? Was it all a lie?
She had betrayed me. I believed she was the woman I would share my whole life with, and she didn't give a shit about me. I know her, she would never hurt someone she like on purpose. Maybe she had never loved me. Maybe it was all a lie.

I was sure she had never liked me. She was so caring for the people she loved, she would never hurt them, I knew it. The only reason she could have hurt me was that she didn't care.
She had never cared.
She was a liar.
I hated her.
Was I not enough for her? Was I so unimportant that she didn't even bothered liking me? Did I mean so little to her?
Why did this have to hurt so much?

I stayed alone in my house, for a long time. I stayed alone. I think my phone ringed once or twice, in the hall, but I wasn't sure.
But I stayed there until the night. Then the day.
I was on the couch, numb. I thought I slept, but I wasn't sure.
After all, did it matter? Did I even matter, if she didn't give a shit about me?
I felt tears on my cheeks. My vision was blurry.
I opened my eyes at a knock on the door.
I didn't move. Maybe, if I'm silent enough they will think I'm not here and go away.
The pounding started once again. Sighing, I stood up, and walked to the door.
I opened it, to see Aaron and Phil looking at me. Their eyes went wide, then sad. Why? Am I still crying?
"Alan... what... what happened?" Aaron managed to say.
I just shrugged. I walked inside, leading them in.
I sat back on the couch, not caring about them.
I didn't need to be a good and nice person, she wasn't there to notice it. I stared at my hands, as Aaron sat next to me.
"Seriously... Austin called us to meet with all the band, to talk about the album, and you didn't answer last night... so we came now, but what happened?"
I had to tell them, I knew it. But I didn't want it. I looked at Aaron, then at Phil. The two had worried faces.
"She cheated on me" I whispered. They could barely hear me.
Aaron's eyes went wide. "What?"
"Zoey cheated on me." I repeated. "For nine months."
The two fell silent, shocked. There was nothing to say.
"I'm sorry, man" Phil said, as he pulled me in some weird man hug. I didn't want his hug. I wanted hers.
"I'm gonna sleep." I said. I just wanted to be alone, away from them.
I walked to my room. As my eyes fell on my bed, hundreds of memories came to me. My room was too full of memories to even go in.
I went to the guest room, and crawled under the cover, without even taking my clothes off. I stared at the ceiling. Empty. I was empty. She wasn't here anymore.
I curled into a ball, and cried, my head underneath the cover.

I opened my eyes, staring at the ceiling. My mind was blank. She wasn't next to me in the bed.
We used to be so great. So perfect. Why... what did I do? What was wrong with me?
Maybe it was because I wasn't home most of the time. Or because many girls flirted with me. But I never let them think they were going to have a way with me. I only cared for her. For my beautiful girlfriend I loved with everything I had. But she left me. I was nothing to her.

The days were passing, but it was like I had stopped some time before. It was like nothing was worth moving. I was laying down in the guest bed, staring at the ceiling. It was fast and so slow at the same time. I felt like seconds were hours, but at the same time it was the 14th before I knew it. I had decided to make her a big dinner, two days before the actual Valentine’s day to surprise her. She would have guessed I would do something for that day. But I needed to surprise her. That was why I chose two days before. And that was why now I was laying on my bed for the 14th. He closed his eyes. All the memories were running through my mind. The first time we met, their first Valentine’s day as a couple, the second one. They had all been amazing. How could she let me, like that? I couldn't believe that she had left me. I refused to believe it. She was my love, and she will stay.
But she’s gone. I will never kiss her again. Never hug her again. Never see her perfect smile again. Never hear her laugh again. Nothing. She was gone.
For the whole week, I stayed inside, alone most of the time.
Austin had still not showed up. He said he had stuff to do. Somehow, it hurt me, to know that my best friends had more important things to do than be with me when I was so down. But I would never tell him that, he had his heart on his sleeves, and was one if the gentlest person I have ever met, so maybe he really had something to do, or someone more important to take care of. After all, I was just his best friend.
I sighed. I shouldn't be angry at him. But I couldn't help it.
He came to my apartment a week and two days after the break up. Not that I counted the days. But I did.
He sat down next to me.
"How... how are you?" He finally asked, not looking at me.
"Oh, I'm really great. In fucking paradise."
He sighed. "Sorry, for... well for not being there."
"That's okay, it's not like you're my best friend or anything."
I knew what I was doing was wrong and mean, but I couldn't help it. When you're hurt, you just want other to be as hurt as you are.
"I'm sorry, okay?" He was pissed off.
I closed my eyes. "Sorry, man. I'm just... it's hard"
He put his hand on my shoulder.
"She cheated on me..." I felt his hand tighten on my shoulder, so much that it almost hurt. "For nine fucking months, Austin!"
He was looking away.
"But I know her, she would never betray someone she loved." His eyes turned to me, with... hope? "I mean, she surely never loved me" his eyes darkened with anger. I frowned. "What's wrong, Austin?"
"Oh, nothing, everything is fucking perfect."
"What the fuck Austin?" I yelled.
"I fucking tell you it was fucking perfect, bastard! You know what?! Stay the fuck here alone, crying like a fucking baby!"
With that he stood up, and walked away. The sound of the front door being slammed close, took me out of the shock.
What the fuck just happened?
Did Austin just scream at me? Why?
I remained myself the whole discussion. He hadn't any reason to be screaming at me.