Status: I try to update once a week :) comment please
Letters
"Go Away"
I know it's hard to believe. But yes, I am pregnant. But if only that was all...
The next day I went to my doctor. He knew me well, so it was easier. I told him.
He knew about my heart, and I will never forget the look that was on his face. He was so sad.
Because my heart is weak. Very very weak. And giving birth is hard. Very hard.
What I'm trying to tell you... is that I probably won't make it.
My doctor told me I could abort, but I never wanted it. I just... Can't.
And what could it change? I will die giving birth anyway... It's only a matter of time.
I don't know how I could end up pregnant. I know we didn't used condoms every time, but I was under pills. I don't really know. My doctor told me the pill doesn't work at 100% percent, but along his career he had never seen that.
Maybe it was just mend to be. Like our meeting.
It took me some time to know what to do. I didn't want to tell you before being sure. But when I was, what could I do?
Telling you that I had a kid in my belly, that was going to kill me and you would have to take care of it alone (even if you didn't want it) because I refused abortion? No. I couldn't. I could let you choose to stay or to go, but you would have stayed just because you loved me, and not because you wanted the kid.
That's why I left. To left you the choice. I still haven't decided if I want that kid to be adopted or not.
Anyway, I really regret how it happened. To be able to go, I needed a reason, but I couldn't find any.
I had to go a lot to the hospital, and doctor, to know if I had chances to live or not. I have, but not much.
That was why I was never home, and always tired, and never in the mood to hung out with you. I'm sorry.
And that's why that discussion happened. I will never forget that discussion. If we even can call it a discussion.
I had gone to the hospital in the afternoon, so I asked to go away from work earlier. I was driving back home, so I parked the car, and walked to our apartment.
I opened the door, and froze. I saw red petals of roses all over the floor, and I saw you, your eyes closed, on the floor, your back to the wall, and a destroyed bouquet next to you.
"Alan? What... What's all this?" I asked.
Your eyes opened and you stared at me. Your eyes were so broken, so sad. But still, your look seemed adoring..
"I texted you" You said. Your voice was rough.
I looked at my feet. I had turned my phone off at the hospital. "Sorry my phone was off..." I took it anyway, and turned it on.
"It's too late now." Your eyes seemed almost dead.
I frowned. "Too late?" No no no. Please Alan don't do this. It was the only thing that was in my mind. Even if I had decided to go, at that moment all I wanted was to hug you tight.
You stood up, and threw the flower at me. My heart was running, and I caught the flowers.
"Yeah it's fucking too late! Don't act like you don't know! You think I'm dumb enough to not see? You're always out! You're barely with me anymore, and you never tell me where you are! You really think I'm this stupid?" I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I stared at my feet. I hated every part of myself as I stayed silent. "But I wanted to just forget it, to not know, and just become the perfect boyfriend for you. I had planned a fucking great restaurant! And look at all this!" You yelled, pointing at the roses on the ground. "But no! No, you choose to stay with that guy. Three fucking hours, Zoey!"
"No, Alan, it's not...." I tried, even if it was stupid.
"It's not what, hm?" You were angry, hurt and broken. It was my fault. I had destroyed you.
"I'm sorry", I said. I wanted to kiss you one last time, to hug you, to... Do everything with you again.
"Sorry for what? Being fucked behind my back? Cheating on me? Go to hell, you whore!"
My jaw clenched. I was hurting you so much. I loved you with every cells of my body, and I was breaking you.
I kept my eyes down. Not daring looking up.
"What the fuck did I done wrong? Was I that bad of a boyfriend?"
You did nothing wrong. You are the best boyfriend any girl could ask for.
"No, it's just... When you're away on tour... I'm kinda alone..." And I lied and lied. I hated every word that was coming out of my mouth.
You stared at me. You couldn't believe me.
"On tour? But how long?..."
"8 or 9 months." I whispered.
Your eyes widened. I saw the tears in your eyes.
"Go away." You said lowly.
"Alan, I'm really sorry" I tried, as I walked closer.
"GO THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" You yelled, your voice breaking with tears.
I clung to the flowers, holding them like dear life, and I walked away. At every step my heart died a little more. The tears were running down my eyes.
You threw the door close, and I jumped. It felt like a knife in my chest. I hears the thud as you kicked the door. And a scream. The scream of a broken heart. And another kick. And another. Each sound making my heart break again.
I was crying hard, as I walked to the elevator. The walking to the car was a blur. I had the flowers against my heart.
I sat on my car, the flowers in my hands, my head on the steering wheel. I stayed there crying my eyes out for about half an hour. But it felt like a life time.
Once I was calmed enough to see ahead of me, I started the car, and drove straight to the only person I trusted with my life. It probably was stupid to go there, since I wanted to get away from you, but at the moment I didn't even thought about it. I just needed someone. Someone who would understand.
That's why I found myself parking the car in Austin's driveway. Well, not parking, more like stopping in the middle, not caring about anything.
I had the flowers still against my heart, as I walked to the door. I wasn't crying. It was hard but I did it. I knocked on the door.
After some second, Austin opened the door. His eyes went wide. I probably had a awful face.
"What happened?" He whispered.
I broke down into tears. He hugged me, and lead me inside as I clung to his chest.
I had lost you. It seemed so easy in my head, but so difficult in reality.
He made me sat on the couch, and I saw Elizabeth walking there. She was still living here. I looked down at the flowers in my hands.
"I-I'm going out." And she jogged to the door as Austin nodded.
"Zoey, what happened?" I didn't want to tell him. It wasn't my plan. I had to go.
"I-I'm go-going" I managed to say through my cries. I stood up, took the flowers and walked away, but his long arms wrapped themselves around me.
"You're not going anywhere. Not in this state. What me to call Alan?" He asked, worried.
"NO!" I yelled, and turned around.
He frowned. "Did he do something? You know how stupid he can be, he probably didn't mean anything..." I trued to comfort me.
"It's not him!" I cried in his chest.
He froze. "What? What are you saying?"
"I don't... want to say it!" I cried.
"Okay, okay. How about we go cuddling and watching a movie?"
I nodded.
We cuddled on his bed, the flowers which were more and more withered against my chest.
You were supposed to have all a band meeting in the end of the afternoon. But since you weren't answering the phone, they decided they would come in the morning.
I made Austin swear he wouldn't say I was there. He didn't knew why, and was truly worried. I knew he kept trying to call you, even if he told me he was going to the bathroom.
He stayed with me all night, and didn't asked anything.
I think I stayed some hours staring at the ring on my middle finger. The one that is still on my finger, as I write this. The one you gave me on my birthday, right before I broke up. The beautiful ring you got me. It was some kind old silver shape, with a blue gemstone right in the middle. I don't really know how to describe it. But I really really love it. I only take it off to go shower, because I don't want to damage it.
We were woken up by a call. Austin's phone.
He answered. "Why are you calling so early?" He said, his voice rasp. In the silence of the morning, I could heard the other person. I recognized Phil.
"It's Alan."
"What?" He threw a look at me.
"Aaron and I are in his lounge. He... It's Zoey." Austin's eyebrow frowned. "She was cheating on him, man."
"What??!" Austin yelled, more at me than at Phil. He was staring at me. I felt tears in my eyes.
"Yeah, we reacted the same. For nine fucking months, Austin. Nine months. That's a fucking long time. I can't believe it."
"Me neither." Austin whispered staring at me.
"But You need to come he's really bad and..."
"I'll call you back, Phil." Austin said, hanging up. "What the fuck is that?!" He yelled.
I broke into tears. "I'm so sorry..."
"You cheated on him?" He whispered. "You're fucking cheating on him?" He shouted and walked away from the bed.
"No..." I whispered.
"Then explain!" He said pointing at his phone.
"It's... complicated."
"Then go away. I won't let you stay here if you did that. You know how I feel about that."
Even if I should, I didn't wanted to go. I wanted to stay. "Please..." I whispered.
"No, Zoey. Not this time." I slowly stood up, tears in my eyes. The flowers fell to the floor. I stared at them. "How could you..." He whispered. I turned my head to him, and saw how disappointed in me he was. He thought I was better than this. That was too much. Tears escaped my eyes. "The tears won't work, Zoey. You're with another guy for nine month, assume your choices. You're disgusting."
"I NEVER CHEATED ON HIM!" I yelled. It felt so goo to say it out loud. I felt back sitting on the bed, the flowers at my feet."I never cheated on Alan." I said, staring at the door, sitting on the bed, my back to Austin.
"What?" He asked.
I didn't turned around as I explained. "I'm pregnant. And my heart won't survive the birth of the child. I can't abort. I can't impose him to rise a kid alone. So I'm gone."
There was a silence, and I didn't moved. I heard footsteps, and he went in front of me. "What?" He asked.
Tears were running down my cheeks. "My heart, Austin. I lied, It's fucking serious. Giving birth is hard for all the body, and my heart won't make it. I have less than nine months left." I stared at my hands. "I can't put that on Alan's shoulder. He will be happier without. I lied, I told him I cheated on him. He's gonna hate me with every part of him that loves me, right?" I cried harder at that thought. "But he's strong, and he can do it. In a year or two, he's gonna found a better girl than me, and I will be just an old scar. He'll end up forgetting me. And this baby won't be a weight on his shoulder."
Austin sat down next to me. "Shit." He swore, lowly. "That's a lot of things to let sink in." He stayed silent, and thought for a moment. "So you're pregnant?" I nodded. "And you're..." I saw the sadness in his eyes. I nodded. "Gosh... That's so messed up. Why would you go away from Alan? He would want to be there, to help you. To share your... last moments."
"I know, but he'll be completely broken if I died, right?" Austin nodded. "He'll think I was the love of his life, and that now that I'm no longer there, he has nothing to do here. I don't want that. But if he hates me. If he think I'm a heartless whore, then he'll be able to turn the page. To find someone else."
He stared at me. and wrapped his arms around me.I nuzzled my head into his chest.
"B-But I wasn't ready to see his face... He was so broken... I never wanted to hurt him! I love him."
"I know." He whispered. "I know you love him. You wouldn't be there if you didn't." He stroked my back. I heard him sniffing. I looked up at him. He was trying his best not to let out a tear.
"Why are you crying?" I laughed through my own.
"I'm not." He tried to lie.I rolled my eyes. "I don't want... to lose you." He whispered, looking down. "Nobody wants to lose you. You're a part of this band, Zoey." He stroked my forehead. "We all love you." some tears escaped his eyes, and he dried them with the back of his hand. I wasn't even trying to dry mine, I didn't cared.
"Really?" I whispered.
"Why do you even ask? You're my best friend, Zoey, more than anyone on this planet. How can you... You can't go...No." He shook his head.
I took the flowers off of the ground, and stared at them. "Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Yes. You completely are. But I understand. I mean, this is crazy, and I would probably never do something like that, but..." his arms went back around me, hugging me tight. "I promise you I'll be there."
"No, Austin, you need to be there for Alan! I'll be okay, he needs you."
"We'll see. But I won't let you go."
And even if it was selfish, it made me happy to know he was going to be with me. Even if it meant hurting him. I was still happy to have him.
I stayed all week in Austin's house, with him. We watched movies, and played video games. I kept crying every now and then, and I refused to go outside. So he stayed. I told him to go see you, but kept saying he was going to, but not now. after a week, he finally went.
I stayed alone in his house, wondering how you were. Were you like me? Worse? Better? I doubted you were better. But I didn't really know.
Austin came back three hours later.
"How is he?" I avoided saying your name as much as I could.
"Great." Austin lied.
"I want the truth, Austin."
"Well... He's... Not too bad. he could be better obviously, but he isn't... Too much broken." He whispered, and looked away. I knew him enough to know he was lying. But I didn't asked more. I knew you were too broken for him to tell me.
"You two talked?"
"Yeah." He had his back at me, as he started doing something in the kitchen. "Yeah, we talked a lot." Another lie. But I didn't have the strength to ask for the truth.
"Where's Eli?" I asked, changing the subject.
"She's at my dad's. She can stay there... as long as she wants." He smiled to me. He was happy to change the subject.
"Is it okay with her? I don't want to push her away..."
"It's okay, don't worry." He smiled.
We stayed silent for a moment. He sat down next to me, and we watched a movie.
"Do you think I'm weird?" I asked. He turned his head to me. "I mean, this kid," I said, my head on my stomach." he or she's gonna pretty much kill me. But I still love that baby."
He wrapped his arm around me. "Yes you are. Like every pregnant mom is." I smiled wide to him.
The next day I went to my doctor. He knew me well, so it was easier. I told him.
He knew about my heart, and I will never forget the look that was on his face. He was so sad.
Because my heart is weak. Very very weak. And giving birth is hard. Very hard.
What I'm trying to tell you... is that I probably won't make it.
My doctor told me I could abort, but I never wanted it. I just... Can't.
And what could it change? I will die giving birth anyway... It's only a matter of time.
I don't know how I could end up pregnant. I know we didn't used condoms every time, but I was under pills. I don't really know. My doctor told me the pill doesn't work at 100% percent, but along his career he had never seen that.
Maybe it was just mend to be. Like our meeting.
It took me some time to know what to do. I didn't want to tell you before being sure. But when I was, what could I do?
Telling you that I had a kid in my belly, that was going to kill me and you would have to take care of it alone (even if you didn't want it) because I refused abortion? No. I couldn't. I could let you choose to stay or to go, but you would have stayed just because you loved me, and not because you wanted the kid.
That's why I left. To left you the choice. I still haven't decided if I want that kid to be adopted or not.
Anyway, I really regret how it happened. To be able to go, I needed a reason, but I couldn't find any.
I had to go a lot to the hospital, and doctor, to know if I had chances to live or not. I have, but not much.
That was why I was never home, and always tired, and never in the mood to hung out with you. I'm sorry.
And that's why that discussion happened. I will never forget that discussion. If we even can call it a discussion.
*****
I had gone to the hospital in the afternoon, so I asked to go away from work earlier. I was driving back home, so I parked the car, and walked to our apartment.
I opened the door, and froze. I saw red petals of roses all over the floor, and I saw you, your eyes closed, on the floor, your back to the wall, and a destroyed bouquet next to you.
"Alan? What... What's all this?" I asked.
Your eyes opened and you stared at me. Your eyes were so broken, so sad. But still, your look seemed adoring..
"I texted you" You said. Your voice was rough.
I looked at my feet. I had turned my phone off at the hospital. "Sorry my phone was off..." I took it anyway, and turned it on.
"It's too late now." Your eyes seemed almost dead.
I frowned. "Too late?" No no no. Please Alan don't do this. It was the only thing that was in my mind. Even if I had decided to go, at that moment all I wanted was to hug you tight.
You stood up, and threw the flower at me. My heart was running, and I caught the flowers.
"Yeah it's fucking too late! Don't act like you don't know! You think I'm dumb enough to not see? You're always out! You're barely with me anymore, and you never tell me where you are! You really think I'm this stupid?" I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. I stared at my feet. I hated every part of myself as I stayed silent. "But I wanted to just forget it, to not know, and just become the perfect boyfriend for you. I had planned a fucking great restaurant! And look at all this!" You yelled, pointing at the roses on the ground. "But no! No, you choose to stay with that guy. Three fucking hours, Zoey!"
"No, Alan, it's not...." I tried, even if it was stupid.
"It's not what, hm?" You were angry, hurt and broken. It was my fault. I had destroyed you.
"I'm sorry", I said. I wanted to kiss you one last time, to hug you, to... Do everything with you again.
"Sorry for what? Being fucked behind my back? Cheating on me? Go to hell, you whore!"
My jaw clenched. I was hurting you so much. I loved you with every cells of my body, and I was breaking you.
I kept my eyes down. Not daring looking up.
"What the fuck did I done wrong? Was I that bad of a boyfriend?"
You did nothing wrong. You are the best boyfriend any girl could ask for.
"No, it's just... When you're away on tour... I'm kinda alone..." And I lied and lied. I hated every word that was coming out of my mouth.
You stared at me. You couldn't believe me.
"On tour? But how long?..."
"8 or 9 months." I whispered.
Your eyes widened. I saw the tears in your eyes.
"Go away." You said lowly.
"Alan, I'm really sorry" I tried, as I walked closer.
"GO THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" You yelled, your voice breaking with tears.
I clung to the flowers, holding them like dear life, and I walked away. At every step my heart died a little more. The tears were running down my eyes.
You threw the door close, and I jumped. It felt like a knife in my chest. I hears the thud as you kicked the door. And a scream. The scream of a broken heart. And another kick. And another. Each sound making my heart break again.
I was crying hard, as I walked to the elevator. The walking to the car was a blur. I had the flowers against my heart.
I sat on my car, the flowers in my hands, my head on the steering wheel. I stayed there crying my eyes out for about half an hour. But it felt like a life time.
Once I was calmed enough to see ahead of me, I started the car, and drove straight to the only person I trusted with my life. It probably was stupid to go there, since I wanted to get away from you, but at the moment I didn't even thought about it. I just needed someone. Someone who would understand.
That's why I found myself parking the car in Austin's driveway. Well, not parking, more like stopping in the middle, not caring about anything.
I had the flowers still against my heart, as I walked to the door. I wasn't crying. It was hard but I did it. I knocked on the door.
After some second, Austin opened the door. His eyes went wide. I probably had a awful face.
"What happened?" He whispered.
I broke down into tears. He hugged me, and lead me inside as I clung to his chest.
I had lost you. It seemed so easy in my head, but so difficult in reality.
He made me sat on the couch, and I saw Elizabeth walking there. She was still living here. I looked down at the flowers in my hands.
"I-I'm going out." And she jogged to the door as Austin nodded.
"Zoey, what happened?" I didn't want to tell him. It wasn't my plan. I had to go.
"I-I'm go-going" I managed to say through my cries. I stood up, took the flowers and walked away, but his long arms wrapped themselves around me.
"You're not going anywhere. Not in this state. What me to call Alan?" He asked, worried.
"NO!" I yelled, and turned around.
He frowned. "Did he do something? You know how stupid he can be, he probably didn't mean anything..." I trued to comfort me.
"It's not him!" I cried in his chest.
He froze. "What? What are you saying?"
"I don't... want to say it!" I cried.
"Okay, okay. How about we go cuddling and watching a movie?"
I nodded.
We cuddled on his bed, the flowers which were more and more withered against my chest.
You were supposed to have all a band meeting in the end of the afternoon. But since you weren't answering the phone, they decided they would come in the morning.
I made Austin swear he wouldn't say I was there. He didn't knew why, and was truly worried. I knew he kept trying to call you, even if he told me he was going to the bathroom.
He stayed with me all night, and didn't asked anything.
I think I stayed some hours staring at the ring on my middle finger. The one that is still on my finger, as I write this. The one you gave me on my birthday, right before I broke up. The beautiful ring you got me. It was some kind old silver shape, with a blue gemstone right in the middle. I don't really know how to describe it. But I really really love it. I only take it off to go shower, because I don't want to damage it.
*****
We were woken up by a call. Austin's phone.
He answered. "Why are you calling so early?" He said, his voice rasp. In the silence of the morning, I could heard the other person. I recognized Phil.
"It's Alan."
"What?" He threw a look at me.
"Aaron and I are in his lounge. He... It's Zoey." Austin's eyebrow frowned. "She was cheating on him, man."
"What??!" Austin yelled, more at me than at Phil. He was staring at me. I felt tears in my eyes.
"Yeah, we reacted the same. For nine fucking months, Austin. Nine months. That's a fucking long time. I can't believe it."
"Me neither." Austin whispered staring at me.
"But You need to come he's really bad and..."
"I'll call you back, Phil." Austin said, hanging up. "What the fuck is that?!" He yelled.
I broke into tears. "I'm so sorry..."
"You cheated on him?" He whispered. "You're fucking cheating on him?" He shouted and walked away from the bed.
"No..." I whispered.
"Then explain!" He said pointing at his phone.
"It's... complicated."
"Then go away. I won't let you stay here if you did that. You know how I feel about that."
Even if I should, I didn't wanted to go. I wanted to stay. "Please..." I whispered.
"No, Zoey. Not this time." I slowly stood up, tears in my eyes. The flowers fell to the floor. I stared at them. "How could you..." He whispered. I turned my head to him, and saw how disappointed in me he was. He thought I was better than this. That was too much. Tears escaped my eyes. "The tears won't work, Zoey. You're with another guy for nine month, assume your choices. You're disgusting."
"I NEVER CHEATED ON HIM!" I yelled. It felt so goo to say it out loud. I felt back sitting on the bed, the flowers at my feet."I never cheated on Alan." I said, staring at the door, sitting on the bed, my back to Austin.
"What?" He asked.
I didn't turned around as I explained. "I'm pregnant. And my heart won't survive the birth of the child. I can't abort. I can't impose him to rise a kid alone. So I'm gone."
There was a silence, and I didn't moved. I heard footsteps, and he went in front of me. "What?" He asked.
Tears were running down my cheeks. "My heart, Austin. I lied, It's fucking serious. Giving birth is hard for all the body, and my heart won't make it. I have less than nine months left." I stared at my hands. "I can't put that on Alan's shoulder. He will be happier without. I lied, I told him I cheated on him. He's gonna hate me with every part of him that loves me, right?" I cried harder at that thought. "But he's strong, and he can do it. In a year or two, he's gonna found a better girl than me, and I will be just an old scar. He'll end up forgetting me. And this baby won't be a weight on his shoulder."
Austin sat down next to me. "Shit." He swore, lowly. "That's a lot of things to let sink in." He stayed silent, and thought for a moment. "So you're pregnant?" I nodded. "And you're..." I saw the sadness in his eyes. I nodded. "Gosh... That's so messed up. Why would you go away from Alan? He would want to be there, to help you. To share your... last moments."
"I know, but he'll be completely broken if I died, right?" Austin nodded. "He'll think I was the love of his life, and that now that I'm no longer there, he has nothing to do here. I don't want that. But if he hates me. If he think I'm a heartless whore, then he'll be able to turn the page. To find someone else."
He stared at me. and wrapped his arms around me.I nuzzled my head into his chest.
"B-But I wasn't ready to see his face... He was so broken... I never wanted to hurt him! I love him."
"I know." He whispered. "I know you love him. You wouldn't be there if you didn't." He stroked my back. I heard him sniffing. I looked up at him. He was trying his best not to let out a tear.
"Why are you crying?" I laughed through my own.
"I'm not." He tried to lie.I rolled my eyes. "I don't want... to lose you." He whispered, looking down. "Nobody wants to lose you. You're a part of this band, Zoey." He stroked my forehead. "We all love you." some tears escaped his eyes, and he dried them with the back of his hand. I wasn't even trying to dry mine, I didn't cared.
"Really?" I whispered.
"Why do you even ask? You're my best friend, Zoey, more than anyone on this planet. How can you... You can't go...No." He shook his head.
I took the flowers off of the ground, and stared at them. "Do you think I'm crazy?"
"Yes. You completely are. But I understand. I mean, this is crazy, and I would probably never do something like that, but..." his arms went back around me, hugging me tight. "I promise you I'll be there."
"No, Austin, you need to be there for Alan! I'll be okay, he needs you."
"We'll see. But I won't let you go."
And even if it was selfish, it made me happy to know he was going to be with me. Even if it meant hurting him. I was still happy to have him.
I stayed all week in Austin's house, with him. We watched movies, and played video games. I kept crying every now and then, and I refused to go outside. So he stayed. I told him to go see you, but kept saying he was going to, but not now. after a week, he finally went.
I stayed alone in his house, wondering how you were. Were you like me? Worse? Better? I doubted you were better. But I didn't really know.
Austin came back three hours later.
"How is he?" I avoided saying your name as much as I could.
"Great." Austin lied.
"I want the truth, Austin."
"Well... He's... Not too bad. he could be better obviously, but he isn't... Too much broken." He whispered, and looked away. I knew him enough to know he was lying. But I didn't asked more. I knew you were too broken for him to tell me.
"You two talked?"
"Yeah." He had his back at me, as he started doing something in the kitchen. "Yeah, we talked a lot." Another lie. But I didn't have the strength to ask for the truth.
"Where's Eli?" I asked, changing the subject.
"She's at my dad's. She can stay there... as long as she wants." He smiled to me. He was happy to change the subject.
"Is it okay with her? I don't want to push her away..."
"It's okay, don't worry." He smiled.
We stayed silent for a moment. He sat down next to me, and we watched a movie.
"Do you think I'm weird?" I asked. He turned his head to me. "I mean, this kid," I said, my head on my stomach." he or she's gonna pretty much kill me. But I still love that baby."
He wrapped his arm around me. "Yes you are. Like every pregnant mom is." I smiled wide to him.