Status: I try to update once a week :) comment please
Letters
"Terrified"
Through all of this, I put a lot of weight on Austin's shoulders. He is taking care of me, he knows everything, but he can't speak to any of you. I'm sure that's why he barely see all of you anymore.
I'm currently living at my grandma's house. She knows everything about the baby and you, too.
My parents don't understand. They think you left me because of the baby. I think they just need someone to blame. Their girl is going to die, they can't take that. It's too much. And you're not here, since I pushed you away. So they blame you, without any reasons. I'm sorry for that.
I am wondering about getting the kid adopted. Carol told me she would prefer if I choose not to adopt, because she wants to see the kid growing. Austin agrees, but will respect any of my choice. My dad told me he didn't cared because he didn't want a 'bastard kid'. But I know he's lying. As much he said he hates you, the kid, and my choices, he still loves me, and he wants the best for me. And I'm sure he's going to do the same with that baby. My mom already loves the baby. She told me, when my dad wasn't there.
But if I don't let the baby be adopted, who's gonna take care of him or her? I wish I could. I wish I could rise my child. I wish I could see them growing, and becoming grown up. I don't know if it's a girl of a boy still. I'm wondering witch one I want. But I just don't care. And I'm wondering witch you would have wanted. I'm sure you would just be an amazing dad. You would treat your little princess as if she was the queen of the whole world, and you would move mountains for her. And for a little knight, you would do even more. You would treat them like you treated me: like the best things ever, that you need to cherish and protect.
I wish you could wrap your arms around me, right now. But you're far away. In the same city, but in another world. A world where I cheated on you, and broke your heart. But I really wish you were next to me. So you could wrap your arms around me, stroke my hair and whisper that it going to be okay. But no. You're not here, and it's not going to be okay.
I'm terrified. I don't want to die... I'm too young! I'm just 23, I don't deserve that! But in some month, the most beautiful baby ever is gonna born. And even if I never see them, I'll came back as a spirit and take care of them. Of you too. I'll make sure you meet a perfect girl. A girl that is gonna make you happy, and not break your heart like I did.
I'm so sorry for everything that I've ever done to you. Somehow, I wish I never met you, so you wouldn't be broken now. But at the same time, you are the best thing that happened in my life. The best. You are the love of my short life, Alan. Without a doubt. But I'm not yours. Even if it's hard to admit it, even for me, I'm not. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you deserve to live it. You're gonna meet a perfect girl, and share your life with her. You're gonna have kids with her. You're gonna grow old with her. And during all this time I will be cold in a coffin. And my spirit next to you, protecting you.
I have told Austin not to give you this right after the birth. I told him to wait. To wait until you're back, until you've turned the page, until you're okay. So now, you're probably with another girl. I'm wondering what she look like. Is she anything like me? Or all the opposite, because you hate me? Or just different? Is she beautiful? Does she treat you right? Does she treat you like I did? Better? Is she everything you've always dreamed of?
Do you love her? Like you loved me? More? ...
Do you hate me? After everything I've done, do you hate me? Is there still a place for me in your heart? Am I still anything to you?
How many time did Austin wait? Did he even gave you that? Or did he thought it was better for you not to know? It probably is.
You're probably wondering why I wrote this. I mean, I walked away from you, and now I'm writing this. the answer is simple: I'm weak. I'm going to die in the year, and it comfort me to tell myself that one day you'll read this and maybe no longer hate me. I just want that. I don't ask you to love my dead self. just to not hate me. I did what I thought was the best, and yeah, it was far from perfect, all I wanted was to do good.
Don't be mad at Austin, please, he didn't do anything. It's not his fault. He knew I didn't wanted you to know, and respected my choice, so he never told anyone.
I just thought about that night, when Austin knew you were out for the most of the night, so he, Eli, Roxane and I went to our home. Now, it's yours I guess. So we went to... yours. I still had the key, so we opened the door, and took everything that was mine. We just threw it into boxes, and carried it down to the cars. and then we walked away. Eli and Roxane took the first car and went back home. me and Austin were in the apartment a bit longer. I wanted to throw a last look at everything. I took some pics of us, and we walked to the car. We were almost in the car, when another car went in the parking lot. The backdoor opened, and you walked out. Me and Austin hid, but observed you. You were drunk beyond repair. You rested against a wall, to catch your balance.
I observed your face. You hadn't shave in some time. Your hair was tangled. It hurt to see you like that.
"Alan, let me help" A feminine voice said. A girl walked out of the car. She put her hand on your shoulder, but you pushed her away.
"I don't need you." You said, almost as if you insulted her.
"Alan, you won't make it to your apartment." She tried to help you stand, but you pushed her away, almost falling yourself.
"I don't need your help, you fucking whore." You insulted her.
She didn't move. She seemed a bit annoyed by you, but not really. It was weird, I would have slapped you. "Alan, come on, you're drunk. Let's get you home."
"I don't need any of you!" You screamed to her. "Just fucking go, you're all useless."
She signed. "Yeah, I know. Now go home."
"But I am too. We're all fucking useless. We all deserve to die." You let yourself fall to the ground. She went closer, and wrapped her arms around you, and I heard you cry.
After some minutes, you pushed her away, and stood up. "You're gonna be okay, Alan?" she asked.
"Yeah, yeah" You slurred. You walked inside.
"You think he's gonna make it?" The person in the car asked.
"Are you talking about him going home, or him letting go of her?"
There was a silence. "The two."
"He's gonna make it, he's just drunk. And for her... Let's hope he will. I just wish he never met that whore."
"I never met her, but yeah." The guy in the car asked. "Hope he'll get better soon."
"Me too." The girl said as she went back inside. "How about going for another drink?"
And they closed the doors, and drove away.
Me and Austin didn't move for some seconds. I finally felt Austin's arms wrap around me. I turned to him, and he had sad eyes. "Don't cry." He whispered. I noticed I was actually crying. I couldn't move. They treated you like they were used to you being like this. I had seen you drunk a hundred of times, but you never insulted people or anything. You were pretty happy once you were drunk. I mean, happier. But that... That was something else.
Austin led me to the car, and I followed. I sat, my mind full of what I had just saw.
I hated myself. I had broke you. I'm still wondering how you are... But Austin don't want to tell me. He goes seeing you from time to time. Not much but still.
It's been almost six month now, and I'm starting to be huge. I'm taking pics from time to time. It's funny.
Roxane is flying back and forth every time she can to see me. She support me a lot, and she try to make me feel better. My grandma doesn't let me do many things at home. She said since I'm pregnant I need to rest.
Six months. It's a long time without you. But now, you're touring a bit with Of Mice And Men. And that makes me so happy. You love being in Of Mice & Men. I told you I'll be in the first row to see your glory. I don't think i will, now. Or at least not again. I supported you as much as I could. But you're going to get more and more famous. And I think you can became great artists. From my spirit form, I'll be there. I don't want to break any more promises I made.
In over a month, I'll get to know the gender of the baby. I can't wait.
It's been some time since I last wrote in there. two weeks, I guess. Austin... Austin told me about your leaving. You're gone now. I saw his bruised noise. But he didn't wanted to talk about it. so I let him. But I'm questioning what truly happened. and I saw your twitter post. You're out of Of Mice. It was your life, your everything. How could you do that? Is it my fault? I'm stupid, right? Obviously, it is. I made you quit Of Mice & Men. I made you put a cross on your dream. Or maybe, you'll find another way to realize that dream. I wish you will, but I fear I won't see it.
I'm wondering if you know why I wrote this. I wrote this because I needed to tell you all the things I never told you. Even if you never read it. Even if you hate me. I just want to told you how right you treated me. How perfect you were. I want you to know that it is not your fault. That's why I didn't really talked about things that weren't about us. Like the stories between Justin and Eli, or the numerous of girls Austin had been with, or even argument that happened between you and I. I don't see why I would talk about them. You remember them, and they never were serious. We would not talk to each other for one day, maybe two, and then we would run back into each other arms.
I wrote the first page earlier, and I talked about that book in it. I mean, the book I want to write, that will make people smile. This is this book, Alan. This won't probably make you smile, probably cry, but I still hope it touch you. I want that book to be what I left in this world.
Alan, if you think you're ready for that, I would want you to publish this book. You can change things, to not be recognized, change the band, change everything, but please, publish it. I want to realize my dreams. I told you I wanted a family, and a book. Ironically, the two will happen after my death. But they will happen. And I'm happy about it.
IT'S A GIRL!!!! A BABY GIRL!!!
I just did the exams, and the baby in my tunny is a little girl!! She's going to be so cute! I hope she will look like both of us. I hope she will have your smile. Your smile is perfect. I just have to see it and I'm happy. I want my baby girl to have the same.
My stomach is pretty huge now, and almost none of my clothes fit. I hate it. The only really comfy clothe I have is an over sized shirt. The one you brought me, for Christmas. I'm wearing it all day long. It fit, it is comfy, and it is from you. I love it.
I haven't decided for a name. I wished she could have your name, but she can't, because you have to be there for her to have your name. She's going to be a Crampell.
I'm wondering how you are, right now. Austin doesn't really know. He is pretty angry at you, even if I told him it's not your fault. He says he knows, but he can't help it. He told me that when he sees you being all complaining about your 'slutty' ex girlfriend, all he wants is to punch you in the face. I hope your friendship will get better. I don't want to break that too.
Please, I know I have already told you but please, tell everyone how I feel toward them. Tell the girls I love them. Tell the guys... Tell Tino I love him, he's so cute and so fun, and damn he's so smart! Tell Phil he has the most peaceful smile ever. Tell him how sweet I think he is. Aaron, please tell him that even if I barely knew him, I loved him. He's so gentle, caring. He's always the first to notice that someone's down. He always try to make them feel better. And Justin... Gosh, tell Justin he is the best stupid kid on that planet! He had always been there for us, and I hope it will continue for a long long time. I hope he is there for you. And I also hope he's with Eli, at the time you're reading this. Because I know they had a fight like, a week ago, even if Eli doesn't want to talk about it.
I just counted, and in 3 months it will be... The end of me. Less than 3 months. I'm in the seventh month, so..
I'm scared. What will happen? I'm dumb, I know what is gonna happen. I'm gonna give birth to my little girl, and I'm gonna close my eyes forever. And after? Is there a paradise and a hell? Are we a spirit that take care of the loved ones? Is there something at all? Will I wake up in another body, without any of my memories?
I'm so scared....
I'm currently living at my grandma's house. She knows everything about the baby and you, too.
My parents don't understand. They think you left me because of the baby. I think they just need someone to blame. Their girl is going to die, they can't take that. It's too much. And you're not here, since I pushed you away. So they blame you, without any reasons. I'm sorry for that.
I am wondering about getting the kid adopted. Carol told me she would prefer if I choose not to adopt, because she wants to see the kid growing. Austin agrees, but will respect any of my choice. My dad told me he didn't cared because he didn't want a 'bastard kid'. But I know he's lying. As much he said he hates you, the kid, and my choices, he still loves me, and he wants the best for me. And I'm sure he's going to do the same with that baby. My mom already loves the baby. She told me, when my dad wasn't there.
But if I don't let the baby be adopted, who's gonna take care of him or her? I wish I could. I wish I could rise my child. I wish I could see them growing, and becoming grown up. I don't know if it's a girl of a boy still. I'm wondering witch one I want. But I just don't care. And I'm wondering witch you would have wanted. I'm sure you would just be an amazing dad. You would treat your little princess as if she was the queen of the whole world, and you would move mountains for her. And for a little knight, you would do even more. You would treat them like you treated me: like the best things ever, that you need to cherish and protect.
I wish you could wrap your arms around me, right now. But you're far away. In the same city, but in another world. A world where I cheated on you, and broke your heart. But I really wish you were next to me. So you could wrap your arms around me, stroke my hair and whisper that it going to be okay. But no. You're not here, and it's not going to be okay.
I'm terrified. I don't want to die... I'm too young! I'm just 23, I don't deserve that! But in some month, the most beautiful baby ever is gonna born. And even if I never see them, I'll came back as a spirit and take care of them. Of you too. I'll make sure you meet a perfect girl. A girl that is gonna make you happy, and not break your heart like I did.
I'm so sorry for everything that I've ever done to you. Somehow, I wish I never met you, so you wouldn't be broken now. But at the same time, you are the best thing that happened in my life. The best. You are the love of my short life, Alan. Without a doubt. But I'm not yours. Even if it's hard to admit it, even for me, I'm not. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you deserve to live it. You're gonna meet a perfect girl, and share your life with her. You're gonna have kids with her. You're gonna grow old with her. And during all this time I will be cold in a coffin. And my spirit next to you, protecting you.
I have told Austin not to give you this right after the birth. I told him to wait. To wait until you're back, until you've turned the page, until you're okay. So now, you're probably with another girl. I'm wondering what she look like. Is she anything like me? Or all the opposite, because you hate me? Or just different? Is she beautiful? Does she treat you right? Does she treat you like I did? Better? Is she everything you've always dreamed of?
Do you love her? Like you loved me? More? ...
Do you hate me? After everything I've done, do you hate me? Is there still a place for me in your heart? Am I still anything to you?
How many time did Austin wait? Did he even gave you that? Or did he thought it was better for you not to know? It probably is.
You're probably wondering why I wrote this. I mean, I walked away from you, and now I'm writing this. the answer is simple: I'm weak. I'm going to die in the year, and it comfort me to tell myself that one day you'll read this and maybe no longer hate me. I just want that. I don't ask you to love my dead self. just to not hate me. I did what I thought was the best, and yeah, it was far from perfect, all I wanted was to do good.
Don't be mad at Austin, please, he didn't do anything. It's not his fault. He knew I didn't wanted you to know, and respected my choice, so he never told anyone.
I just thought about that night, when Austin knew you were out for the most of the night, so he, Eli, Roxane and I went to our home. Now, it's yours I guess. So we went to... yours. I still had the key, so we opened the door, and took everything that was mine. We just threw it into boxes, and carried it down to the cars. and then we walked away. Eli and Roxane took the first car and went back home. me and Austin were in the apartment a bit longer. I wanted to throw a last look at everything. I took some pics of us, and we walked to the car. We were almost in the car, when another car went in the parking lot. The backdoor opened, and you walked out. Me and Austin hid, but observed you. You were drunk beyond repair. You rested against a wall, to catch your balance.
I observed your face. You hadn't shave in some time. Your hair was tangled. It hurt to see you like that.
"Alan, let me help" A feminine voice said. A girl walked out of the car. She put her hand on your shoulder, but you pushed her away.
"I don't need you." You said, almost as if you insulted her.
"Alan, you won't make it to your apartment." She tried to help you stand, but you pushed her away, almost falling yourself.
"I don't need your help, you fucking whore." You insulted her.
She didn't move. She seemed a bit annoyed by you, but not really. It was weird, I would have slapped you. "Alan, come on, you're drunk. Let's get you home."
"I don't need any of you!" You screamed to her. "Just fucking go, you're all useless."
She signed. "Yeah, I know. Now go home."
"But I am too. We're all fucking useless. We all deserve to die." You let yourself fall to the ground. She went closer, and wrapped her arms around you, and I heard you cry.
After some minutes, you pushed her away, and stood up. "You're gonna be okay, Alan?" she asked.
"Yeah, yeah" You slurred. You walked inside.
"You think he's gonna make it?" The person in the car asked.
"Are you talking about him going home, or him letting go of her?"
There was a silence. "The two."
"He's gonna make it, he's just drunk. And for her... Let's hope he will. I just wish he never met that whore."
"I never met her, but yeah." The guy in the car asked. "Hope he'll get better soon."
"Me too." The girl said as she went back inside. "How about going for another drink?"
And they closed the doors, and drove away.
Me and Austin didn't move for some seconds. I finally felt Austin's arms wrap around me. I turned to him, and he had sad eyes. "Don't cry." He whispered. I noticed I was actually crying. I couldn't move. They treated you like they were used to you being like this. I had seen you drunk a hundred of times, but you never insulted people or anything. You were pretty happy once you were drunk. I mean, happier. But that... That was something else.
Austin led me to the car, and I followed. I sat, my mind full of what I had just saw.
I hated myself. I had broke you. I'm still wondering how you are... But Austin don't want to tell me. He goes seeing you from time to time. Not much but still.
It's been almost six month now, and I'm starting to be huge. I'm taking pics from time to time. It's funny.
Roxane is flying back and forth every time she can to see me. She support me a lot, and she try to make me feel better. My grandma doesn't let me do many things at home. She said since I'm pregnant I need to rest.
Six months. It's a long time without you. But now, you're touring a bit with Of Mice And Men. And that makes me so happy. You love being in Of Mice & Men. I told you I'll be in the first row to see your glory. I don't think i will, now. Or at least not again. I supported you as much as I could. But you're going to get more and more famous. And I think you can became great artists. From my spirit form, I'll be there. I don't want to break any more promises I made.
In over a month, I'll get to know the gender of the baby. I can't wait.
It's been some time since I last wrote in there. two weeks, I guess. Austin... Austin told me about your leaving. You're gone now. I saw his bruised noise. But he didn't wanted to talk about it. so I let him. But I'm questioning what truly happened. and I saw your twitter post. You're out of Of Mice. It was your life, your everything. How could you do that? Is it my fault? I'm stupid, right? Obviously, it is. I made you quit Of Mice & Men. I made you put a cross on your dream. Or maybe, you'll find another way to realize that dream. I wish you will, but I fear I won't see it.
I'm wondering if you know why I wrote this. I wrote this because I needed to tell you all the things I never told you. Even if you never read it. Even if you hate me. I just want to told you how right you treated me. How perfect you were. I want you to know that it is not your fault. That's why I didn't really talked about things that weren't about us. Like the stories between Justin and Eli, or the numerous of girls Austin had been with, or even argument that happened between you and I. I don't see why I would talk about them. You remember them, and they never were serious. We would not talk to each other for one day, maybe two, and then we would run back into each other arms.
I wrote the first page earlier, and I talked about that book in it. I mean, the book I want to write, that will make people smile. This is this book, Alan. This won't probably make you smile, probably cry, but I still hope it touch you. I want that book to be what I left in this world.
Alan, if you think you're ready for that, I would want you to publish this book. You can change things, to not be recognized, change the band, change everything, but please, publish it. I want to realize my dreams. I told you I wanted a family, and a book. Ironically, the two will happen after my death. But they will happen. And I'm happy about it.
IT'S A GIRL!!!! A BABY GIRL!!!
I just did the exams, and the baby in my tunny is a little girl!! She's going to be so cute! I hope she will look like both of us. I hope she will have your smile. Your smile is perfect. I just have to see it and I'm happy. I want my baby girl to have the same.
My stomach is pretty huge now, and almost none of my clothes fit. I hate it. The only really comfy clothe I have is an over sized shirt. The one you brought me, for Christmas. I'm wearing it all day long. It fit, it is comfy, and it is from you. I love it.
I haven't decided for a name. I wished she could have your name, but she can't, because you have to be there for her to have your name. She's going to be a Crampell.
I'm wondering how you are, right now. Austin doesn't really know. He is pretty angry at you, even if I told him it's not your fault. He says he knows, but he can't help it. He told me that when he sees you being all complaining about your 'slutty' ex girlfriend, all he wants is to punch you in the face. I hope your friendship will get better. I don't want to break that too.
Please, I know I have already told you but please, tell everyone how I feel toward them. Tell the girls I love them. Tell the guys... Tell Tino I love him, he's so cute and so fun, and damn he's so smart! Tell Phil he has the most peaceful smile ever. Tell him how sweet I think he is. Aaron, please tell him that even if I barely knew him, I loved him. He's so gentle, caring. He's always the first to notice that someone's down. He always try to make them feel better. And Justin... Gosh, tell Justin he is the best stupid kid on that planet! He had always been there for us, and I hope it will continue for a long long time. I hope he is there for you. And I also hope he's with Eli, at the time you're reading this. Because I know they had a fight like, a week ago, even if Eli doesn't want to talk about it.
I just counted, and in 3 months it will be... The end of me. Less than 3 months. I'm in the seventh month, so..
I'm scared. What will happen? I'm dumb, I know what is gonna happen. I'm gonna give birth to my little girl, and I'm gonna close my eyes forever. And after? Is there a paradise and a hell? Are we a spirit that take care of the loved ones? Is there something at all? Will I wake up in another body, without any of my memories?
I'm so scared....
♠ ♠ ♠
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