Letters

I'm still worried about how everything will happen. I wish I wasn't facing this alone. But once again, I choose to, so I don't have the right to complain, now.

There is so many things I want to tell you. But I just don't know how. I thought writing this will help me telling you how much you mean to me, but I don't think it does. I would love to share some days with you, before...

I have a place in the cemetery. do you know how wrong it is? I went to see my grand pa, and I know I'll be next to him. I'm going to be in LA, because I don't want to go back to Canada. My life is here, and I want to stay here. My parents are flying in here for my last month, since there's places at Carol's house. She asked the girl who lived there to find somewhere else to go. She told her what was going on, and the girl agreed. So we had all the place we wanted. Roxane is staying, there, too. She want to do a hundred of things, but she also want me to stay sitting, to not walk too much.

Today was the first kick of my girl! I love her! It's so cute to feel her kick. It's weird, but it makes me feel like she's already there. I talk to her, sometimes, when we're alone. I tell her things about me, about you. She answer me with kick. I know she doesn't understand a world, but I love telling myself that she does. So I get to know her a bit.

I still don't know about the name. I like Eleanor, Katelyn, Ava, or Lily. I don't know.

I don't really know what to talk about. I want to tell you everything, but at the same time, nothing seems right. Why would I tell you that I love you, if you've read this, you already know it.

I think I'll get her be adopted. This is the best way. Even if some want to see her after, there's still no one to truly take care of her. I wish I had another choice. But maybe, she will be in a happy loving family, with great mom and dad. They will love her like she was their. After all, who could not love her? She's the best. Ever.

Most of the important people are there, I mean if you and the guys were there, all the people I love would be there, but still, I can't be happy. I'm not sure if it's because you're not here or because of what will happen to me.

I shouldn't be living this. My stupid heart should have worked better. It's not... Nature isn't working that way! The mother get to rise their kid. I should see her face, just once... See her smile, hear her voice and her laugh. I should be there for her first birthday, and be there for her first step.

But I won't. And it's so unfair. I should be the one rising her, not another woman. But no. She will never know who I am. Or who you are. She's going to be in another family, and even if one day she ask who was her mom, she'll learn that she died. And she will never know her dad. Because your fucking name will never be written on a fucking paper.

There is so many things I want to tell her. How much I love her, or how I already believe she's the most beautiful girl on this planet. I will give up my life for her. I don't regret that choice, never. If anything, I'm happy I choose to die. I want this girl to have the most perfect life anybody ever dreamed to have. I want her to be loved, happy. I want her to have the best of the best. I wish I could raise her.

I'm saying over and over again the same thing. I should just stop. But Alan... I just want one last hug. A kiss goodbye. I wish I could just be safe in your embrace, once again. I feel so cold without you here. I'm watching 500 days of summer over and over again. I know it by heart. It just remind me of all the time we watched it.

When you were all touring, I asked Austin to borrow one of your shirt. I know it's weird, but... it's so comfy. I barely fit inside, but I don't care. I use it like kid use stuffed. I hold it against me when I sleep. It's a little bit of you. It barely smell like you do anymore.... I never told anyone about this, but... I brought the perfume you're wearing all the time. It reminds me of you. So when I feel really alone, I put it on the room, and I feel like you were here not long ago. I miss you so much it's crazy.

Do you remember when you told me you were afraid, because you thought you loved me too much? Well, I think I did. Maybe you did too. But if you did, I can't even imagine how you feel.

I'm so sorry, Alan. I wish... I wish everything was different. I really do. I wish this cutie who's growing inside of had waited a bit more. I wish I got pregnant when we would have been ready. But I can't change what happened.



I just re-read this thing. Or, well, most of it. it's weird. I hope you'll understand what I meant by doing that. I will never see it anyway.

The birth is due to tomorrow. So I can have to go to the hospital at any moment. And if next week she still haven't tried to break away from inside of me, I'll go into the hospital to get her out. But my heart, in the state it is in, won't be able to support the operation. That's why they didn't tried to operate my heart earlier. It have most of the chances to not work.

There's still a slight chance that I live, but... I don't think it's going to work. It's weird. I kinda feel it.

This is my last week. It is so weird to tell myself that. I don't feel sick. Well, yes a bit, but not that much. But I'm going to die anyway. I'm so worried...

I don't want to die, Alan. I don't want to.

I want to grow old with you. I don't want to die alone....

If only...



No.

No.

No. I refuse. This is not true. No.

Its not... Possible. She can't be.... No. It's a lie.

The tears were rolling down my cheeks. I curled into a ball, my eyes never leaving the book, open on the bed. I was terrified of what was inside. She couldn't be... Gone. No. Not now, not ever.

But she apparently was.

No. She couldn't. No.

I pushed the book away from me, and it flew against the other wall. It fell on the ground. I stared at it. I heard the door open, and turned my head to see Austin. I completely forgot he was here.

He picked the book up. And kept it in his hand. He walked to me, and sat on the bed.

"I've heard you yelling so I guess you've read."

I had yelled? I didn't think I had. But maybe.

He stared at the book in his hand, then at me. He didn't know what to say.

"Have you seen the pics?" He finally asked.

I frowned. He went directly to the end of the book, and took out some pictures. He handed it to me.

The first ones were pictures of us. I stared. We looked so happy. We were so happy.

Then I stared at pictures of her pregnancy. The first months and her small baby bump, to the latest months, with the huge belly. She was smiling. On one, he was wearing the sweatshirt I had brought her for Christmas. I felt more tears coming.

I wanted to ask him hundred of things, but mouth couldn't move. My throat was dry.

"And these" he whispered, as he gave me three pics. I froze.

It was three ultrasounds. Three pics of the baby.

My hand was shaking as I took them.

I stared at the pictures. I couldn't think. My mind was blank. It wasn't working.

"I want to see her" I managed to say through my dry throat. My voice was hoarse.

"Zoey?" He asked. I nodded.

He gave me back the book, and I carefully replaced the pictures inside. I held it against my chest.

Austin stood up. "Come with me."

I managed to stood up, but my body was shaking too much. My legs couldn't support my weight. Austin caught me.

He wrapped his arm around my torso to help me walking. I was holding the book like it was my life. Nothing else mattered. Just the book. And Zoey. The book and Zoey.

Everything was blur, after. I didn't know what was happening.

But suddenly, I was standing in front of a stone. A great stone, with inscription.



I fell on my knees and the book fell too.

Zoey. My Zoey. My Zoey I miss so much for almost a year. My Zoey I hated because no matter what, I love her. My Zoey who is my everything.

My Zoey.

My Zoey is dead. Gone.

I will never hug her again. Kiss her again. I will never see her again. Hear her voice again. Her laugh. See her smile. Nothing.

She's gone. Gone. GONE.

I was sobbing curled up on the ground.

It's not possible. No. She can't leave me. No, please, Zoey come back. Please I just need you. No, you can't go. I am nothing without you. Nothing!

You can't leave! No!

"NO!" I shouted on the top of my lungs. My fist knocked down on the grave. "Come back" I whispered, through my cries.

I felt Austin's hand on my shoulder.

I closed my eyes, and curled into a ball.

Zoey come back. Please. How am I supposed to go on? Look at me Zoey, I'm nothing now. I'm no longer in Of Mice, I don't talk to any of my friends. Austin is barely a friend anymore, and I barely talk to any of the guys, Justin included, since forever. My mom is feeding me, and she have to convince me to shower. I am nothing. Yes I've hated you, but because... Because I though you had cheated on me. I hated you because even with everything, I still wished I was next to you. You can't just give me this, turn the whole world around, and never see me. Come back, please. I'll be everything you want, and we'll do anything you want. I love you, Zoey. I'll do anything to be with you.



After about one hour at the cemetery, Austin asked me if I wanted to go back home. He told me I needed to sleep, to be ready for tomorrow.

I didn't know what he meant, but I followed without asking any questions.

He laid me down on the bed, and helped me take off my shoes.

I wrapped myself inside the blanket, fully dressed, the book against my chest.

"I'll sleep in the next room." He told me, but I didn't cared.



I was laying in the ground. I was surrounded by flowers. They were big, and as I was laying down on my back, they were towering over my head. Over my whole body.

Suddenly a shadow appeared on the side of the sky, over the flower. After some seconds, I recognized Zoey's face. She was smiling to me.

"What are you doing here, silly?" Her sweet voice said.

She gave me her hand to help me stood up. Once I was up, I saw a immense prairie. I couldn't see anything else.

She intertwined our fingers. And smiled.

"I love you, Alan."

Slowly she went closer. My eyes closed, and her lips were on mine.

I was about to wrap my arms around her, but my arms only found air. My eyes shot open.

Around me, everything was red. Dark red. Blood. I was surrounded by blood. And she was no longer here.

I head cries of pain. And recognized Zoey's voice. I screamed, I called her. But she couldn't hear me. I ran to her, but her voice wasn't coming from a single place, I could hear her voice all around me.

I heard a cry. That was the most horrible cry I had ever heard. It was still her voice. And then, nothing. The blood around me was becoming darker and darker.

"Zoey!" I screamed. "Zoey! NO! ZOEY!"

Suddenly I sat up, screaming, and sweating. I was breathless. I looked around as I breath roughly. I was in my bed.

Zoey. Was she alright? What a weird dream. Where was she?

I took my phone to call her. It wasn't on my bedside table. I noticed I was still fully clothed. I pulled the blanket off, to take it off if my pocket, but my eyes fell on the book.

The book.

Zoey.

Everything that had happened struck me in the chest. My breath stopped for a second.

"Zoey's dead." I whispered.

It felt like a knife into my chest. It was ten times more painful than what I felt so long ago, when she left me.

Zoey was gone. Forever.

The door opened. "Are you okay?" Austin asked.

"Is it true? Is she really... gone?"

Austin eyes went sad. He sat on the bed.

"Yes. Yes everything is. I didn't read what was in the book, but she told me.Your story, right?" I nodded. "Then yeah, I don't think she lied."

I stared at my hands. "Why now, Austin? she told you to wait... and everything didn't happened long ago, and..."

"We'll talk about that later. Go to sleep Alan, we'll talk tomorrow. You need to sleep."

I nodded, and took off my pants and shirt before sliding under the blanket, as Austin walked away.