Letters

Slowly, his eyes opened. He stared at the ceiling.

Zoey.

He took a deep breath, and stretched, before standing up. He walked to his kitchen to find Austin on the couch.

"Hey." Austin said. He had pants on, but no shirt. "How are you feelings?"

"I dunno." Alan quietly answered. Austin stayed silent some second, staring at Alan.

"We have a lot of things to do, today, okay?" He finally said, looking away. "So you need to take breakfast, then go shower."

"Calm down." Alan rolled his eyes, and let himself fall on the couch.

"Come on, Alan please!" Austin whined.

Alan sighed, and stood up. He didn't felt like eating, so he headed right to the bathroom. He avoided looking at any mirror, but his eyes fell on his own body. He had lost a lot of weight over the last months. The muscles he used to have were all gone, and every of his bones were showing off. He dared to look up at the mirror. And he was disappointed with himself. His ginger hair was falling underneath his shoulder. It was tangled, and looked more like locks than anything else. He had a beard growing wildly. It was huge. He stared at himself. He looked old.

He looked away, and walked into the shower, and washed his whole body, and even his hair.

When he walked out, he didn't had the strength to try to look nice. He felt too empty inside to even try.

He got dressed, then walked back in the living room to look at Austin.

"What do we need to do?" Alan asked, his voice plate. There wasn't any tone in his voice. It looked more like a robot than a human being.

"Different things. Come." The two closed the door, then went to the parking lot, then sat in the car. Austin started the car, not speaking. He knew it would shock Alan, if he told him where they were going, but he didn't really have any choice. But it was better if Alan didn't know anything.

He drove for about twenty minutes, before Austin turned into a street Alan knew too much.

"Austin." He breathed quickly. "Austin what are we doing here?"

"It's going to be okay." I hope it will. Austin thought, as he parked into Carol's driveway.

Austin opened his door, and walked out. He waited for Alan to do the same, but since he didn't heard anything, he got around the car, and saw Alan, frozen on his sit. Austin opened the door. "Come." His voice gave away that he wouldn't accept a no.

Alan, swallowed dryly, and stood up. His hands were shaking slightly. They walked to the door.

Austin knocked. Some minutes after, the door opened. Carol was smiling, but her smile fell as her eyes met Alan. He had his head low.

"Alan..." She whispered. He had so much changed. He rose his eyes, to look at her. She saw the tears in his eyes. It pains him to be there. "I miss her too." She smiled sadly, and opened her arms to him. He frowned, and then smiled shyly to her. He went closer, and put his arms around her, not really holding her. Her arms went around him tightly. He rested his head on her shoulder. "We all miss her." She said. She had tears in her eyes, and she stroked Alan's head, as he silently cried, his head hid against her neck. His whole body was shaking. Austin and Carol exchanged a sad look.

"Who is it?" They heard a feminine voice saying from inside. Austin and Carol tensed, but Alan didn't really recognized the voice.

"What is that junkie doing there?!" That voice on the other side, he recognized it immediately. Zoey's dad. Alan pulled away quickly from Carol, and dried his tears with the back of his hand. He didn't dared to look at them. He admired his shoes. "Look at that freak. What is he doing there?" Alan felt more tears coming to his eyes. He clenched his jaw and fists to contain them.

"It's none of your business." Carol stated.

"Mom!" Zoey's mom was scandalized.

"It's my house, my rules." Carol stated. She knew what Alan meant to Zoey, and from what she saw she meant the same to him. She wasn't going to let the two ruin the moment.

She made Alan sit on the couch. "Wait a second." He frowned, but didn't talked.

Austin sat next to him. They could hear the parents growling from the other side of the room.

Suddenly, Alan heard a sound. And he froze at this sound. A cry. A cry of a baby. He turned his head to the sound. Carol was standing there, smiling. She was carrying a baby in her arms.

Alan was frozen. None of his muscles were able to move. All he could do was stare at that little baby. That little girl. His little girl.

Carol walked to him. She didn't listened to the scandalized growls of Zoey's dad. She didn't cared. She wanted that poor guy to met his daughter.

She walked closer, but he didn't move his arms to take the little baby in his arms. He just stared.

"Do you want to carry her?" Carol slowly asked.

Alan's eyes went wide. He looked at his hand, not knowing what to do.

"Do like I do." she smiled. He swallowed nervously, and put his shaking arms in the same position than hers. He was shaking hard, and had a hard time breathing. Very carefully, she pulled the tiny baby in his embrace. As soon as the baby was in his arms, they stopped shaking, to carry her. She moved a bit, not liking the new arms she didn't know.

He pulled her closer to him, his eyes focused on her. The whole world could have crashed he wouldn't have noticed. All he could see was her small sleeping face. Slowly, he moved his arms to be able to stroke her face gently. He observed her. She had some really tiny hair on her head, and obviously she would be redhead when she would grow up. He smiled. His finger slowly traced her whole face.

Next to him, Austin couldn't help but smile. He saw that Carol was too.

"You shouldn't gave him the baby! What if he hurts her?" Zoey's dad asked, angry.

Austin stared at them. "Really?" His voice was a bit rising. He knew how they hurt Zoey about not accepting Alan. And how they hurt Alan too. "Aren't you the one who doesn't want a 'bastard kid', Sir?" He said, almost insulting him with the 'sir'.

"How dare you talk to me like that?" His voice was rising enough to wake the baby girl.

Alan's eyes went huge. "Don't wake up." He whispered to the baby. "Just conti-" But before he could finish, the baby opened her eyes, and his breath was caught in his throat.

Those eyes. She had two gorgeous green eyes. The exact same as her mom. Alan felt tears in his eyes.

Slowly he stroked her cheek. She giggled, and grabbed his finger into her tiny hand. He smiled and felt tears falling from his eyes.

One of them fell on her cheek. He wiped it off. Slowly he bent down to kiss her forehead, but he felt her moving away, and he noticed his bread was on her face.

"I don't like it either." He whispered.

Her eyes went back closed, and he drawn her closer. Her head rested against his chest. He slowly stroked her hair.

He observed her sleeping face. She was peaceful. He couldn't get his eyes off of her.

He remembered Zoey's word: After all, who could not love her? She's the best. Ever. She was right, he already loved that little girl. He had a huge smile on his face.

After some time, he looked up at everyone, the smile fading away, when he saw the face of Zoey's parents. They were far from happy to see him. He saw Austin smiling. And Carol was too.

"Let's put her back to bed." She smiled, as Alan's one faded.

"I... I can't keep her?" He whispered.

"We need to talk, Alan." She laughed.

His shoulder fell in disappointment. She walked to him.

"Can... Can I carry her?" He slowly asked. Carol laughed and agreed "As long as you don't drop her." suddenly his face went pale.

"No, no it's better if it's you, what if I drop her, I don't want to hurt her, no ple-"

"Calm down, Alan. You aren't gonna drop her. Come."

He nodded, his face still pale as a ghost. Austin laughed, and Alan send him a dark look, which only made him laugh harder.

Carol led him into a small room. On the side, against the wall, there was a baby's bed. He walked there, and slowly pulled the baby inside. He covered her up with blankets. He kissed her forehead. He heard Carol walking away, but he didn't wanted to go. He's place was right there. And nowhere else in the world.

"Alan!" She called. He signed, and walked to her. They went back to the living room.

She made Alan sat back on the couch. She called Zoey's parents, and they sat too. Alan frowned. It seemed weird.

"We all need to have a conversation." Carol started. She took a deep breath before continuing. "Zoey's wish was to get her adopted. But I'm pretty sure none of us want her to go."

"She only wanted her to be adopted because Zoey thought she didn't have the choice, because none of you can take care of that little girl." Alan stated, earning looks from everyone. "Don't look at me like that, you all have your own life, and none of you can be the mom or dad for that little girl."

"You mean you want her to be adopted?" Carol asked, her eyes wide.

"That's not what I said. I just explained what she told me. She didn't thought I would be there, and I don't really know why, but I'm here. I don't want my girl to be raised by someone else." He strongly said. He knew that was what Zoey would have wanted.

"But your name isn't on any papers." Zoey's mom spoke. "It has to exist a way to get Alan be recognized as the dad, right?"

Alan smiled, seeing she was with him. Zoey's Dad still didn't said anything, but her mom was still a loving one.

"Maybe a DNA test?" Austin proposed. "I'll call the doctor, and we'll talk about that." He smiled.

They talked a bit longer about what they were going to do, If they kept the little girl. Alan wasn't talking much. He just didn't know what to say. All he wanted was to go see his girl. So after some times, he stood up, and went, not caring about anyone else.

He sat down next to her bed, and rested his head against the bars. He stared at her. The room was almost black, there only was a single bed side lamp. He laid next to her, and he felt at peace. He hadn't have had that feelings for months. But there, on the floor of a small dark room, in a house that wasn't his, next to a baby he met less than an hour ago, and whose name he still didn't know, he felt at peace. He felt like it was his place, even if Zoey was no longer here. He smiled, looking at the ceiling.

Are you looking at me?

He cried silently, missing her, as he curled up against the bed.



At the end of their discussion, Austin walked up to the baby's room, to find Alan asleep on the floor, next to the bed. He smiled sadly. He shook his friend awake.

"What do you want?" Alan whispered.

"Come, we still have details to talk about. And you really need to shave, mate."

Alan smiled wide. Hearing Austin calling him mate was making him happy. Maybe they could be friends again. As Alan stood up, and left the room, he realized something: they already were friends again.

They sat on the bed of another room.

Austin stayed, silent, not knowing what to start with.

"Why did you gave me the book now? She told you to wait."

Austin's head fell down. "I know she did. But I just... I saw how you were. I could easily see it. And how heart broken she was, in the end. And that little girl... I know you can give her the world, and I couldn't let her go. We all love her, but as you said, she's not our kid, she's yours. And as much as I want to stay close to that baby, I can't raise her alone. I just... I couldn't take it. It was so hard. I was seeing you and the guys all the time. You were hurting so bad. And if I wanted, in one world you could be saved. But I couldn't talk because I had promised her. That's one of the reason I was a dick to you. Sorry about that. It was just... Too hard. I wasn't able to listen to you complaining about what a whore she was, even if with what you knew it was normal, I just couldn't listen to that. Not when I saw her suffering that much. I wasn't... I'm not strong enough to keep it secret. I never really agreed with her Idea, but I always agreed with her because I just wanted to see a smile on her face. But I just..." He was crying. "It's so hard without her. She was my fucking best friend. I feel so sad for her... well, your girl. I know what it is to not have a mom, and... I wish I could have done something."

Alan stayed silent for a long moment, and Austin was focused on his memories.

After a while, Alan asked another question. "What happened? At the end, I mean."

Austin looked at him, and his eyes lost themselves into memories.

"We were all on the living room, and Zoey was in her room, writing. Suddenly she yelled. We all ran upstairs, and we all discovered her water broke. We ran to the hospital, and she was taken into an operation room. We sat on chairs in the waiting corridor. Me, Roxane, Caroll, her parents, and Eli. We waited for hours. It was horrible. I was terrified. We were all. And a doctor went to talk with us. Just by the look on his face we knew. She was gone. We all went see the baby, and admired how beautiful she was... She is." Austin smiled.

"How is she called?" Alan asked.

Austin head shot to him. "You don't know." It wasn't a question, more a realization. "Katelyn."

Katelyn. Katelyn Crampel.