Letters

They stayed the whole day at Carol, and Alan was admiring his daughter the whole time.
Somehow, Austin was happy for him. He was glad to see him back alive. Even if during the last months they hadn't been close, he knew Alan was suffering a lot because of the break up. And he also knew he would suffer a lot more because of her death. She was right, he would be hurt a lot more now.
But Austin also knew that now they could manage to get him back in OM&M. One of the reason he had to tell Alan the truth. He had another reason: he knew he couldn't stay with them hurting because her loss, and them hating her. The truth would have finished by explode, and it would have been way worse.
And there was one last reason. An egoist reason, but for him it mattered a lot. He wanted to be able to tell the truth to someone. And he didn't wanted to wait.
Since he had took her from Carol, Katelyn hadn't been in anyone else's arms. He did everything he could. He fed her, and even helped Carol to change her diaper.
Around nine, Carol told them she wanted to sleep. So Austin managed to take Alan back to his home. He didn't want to go.
Alan shaved, and showered, before going back to the living room. Austin was there.
"What are we doing tonight?" Alan asked.
Austin rose an eyebrow. "You want to go out?"
Alan shrugged and sat on the couch. In fact he didn't wanted to go to bed because he felt he was going to have nightmares. Like he did the night before. Maybe he wouldn't have one, but he feared it.
"Do you want to tell the guys?" Austin asked.
It was Alan's turn to rise an eyebrow. "Yeah, how in hell could I hide it? And why the hell would I want to?"
Austin smiled. "I just wanted to be sure. And when?"
"The soonest, I guess."
"Tonight or tomorrow?"
"I'd prefer tonight, so tomorrow I can go back there."
Austin nodded and took his phone out. He was about to call, but stared at his phone.
"How about we eat first?" Alan nodded, and Austin called for some pizzas. Alan watched TV, thinking about what happened in the last days.
It felt like his chest was empty. As if it has a hole, in the place of his heart. The idea of never seeing Zoey again was making it worse. She had sacrificed her life for their little girl. She had pushed him away, and lived her last months alone, for him to suffer less.
She had sacrificed everything she had for the two people she loved.
And now, he loved her so much. He could do anything for her. He wished he could have just one day with her. To say goodbye properly. To kiss her, wrap his arms around her and breath in her perfume.
He felt so alone without her. It felt like nothing mattered... But he had Katelyn. He couldn't let her go. She was everything he had.
He closed his eyes and saw Zoey's smile. He saw her shinny eyes when she looked at him. That look that had the power of making him weak in thee knee, and she just had to ask he would do. She just had too give him this special look and he would just fell all over again in love with her. He remembered how his heart was running in his chest each time he was coming home. How that first kiss never missed to make it stop. He loved her so much... He hated himself for every time he had talked badly about her since the break up.
Austin was calling everyone, but most of them were at some party, so he asked them to come early in the morning at Alan's place. They all were shocked, asking what in hell he was doing there.
Twenty minutes after, the pizzas came, and they ate in silence. Austin couldn't help noticing that Alan barely ate.
"Take another slice." Austin told him. He had only ate a quarter of it.
"I'm not hungry." Alan didn't really paid attention.
"Come on Alan. You've barely eaten."
Alan shrugged. "I'm used to one meal per day, so I'm okay, don't worry." He said, looking back to the TV. He didn't want to talk about that.
"And your parents?" Austin asked, changing the subject.
"Ow shit. Well then tell therm to come here soon."
Austin nodded. He didn't asked why he couldn't do it himself. He probably didn't want to talk much.
They watched a movie, but none of them were into it. At the end, they went to bed.
Alan laid down on his bed.
He stared at the ceiling.
Zoey wasn't here. Katelyn would grown up with no mom. With only him. And he wasn't home much.
He remembered he was no longer in the band. At least I'll be there more for my little girl.
It was weird how much he had accepted it. During all those month, he wanted to believe it wasn't true, because he loved her, and he couldn't believe she didn't loved him. He needed a reason, and something to hang to. He refused to believe there was nothing.
And knowing his little girl was there, it helped so much. All he wanted was to keep her in his arms for the rest of his life. And then go back to his love. He couldn't wait to be up there with her. His heart was aching for it.
He laid there, staring at the ceiling, wondering what would happen next.

As Austin went to the other bedroom, he opened his phone. He stared at a contact, hesitating to call.
He took a deep breath and pressed call.
He put the phone on his ear, and waited.
"What do you want?" The feminine voice answered.
He swallowed. "Well, hello to you too, Sandra."
"Austin, what do you don't understand in 'don't talk to me'?"
"I... I have something to tell you."
"Go ahead."
"It's not something to tell over the phone..." He was taking short breath to try to calm himself.
"And you want me to come see you? After everything you've done? Are you crazy?"
He looked down for a second. "Listen, it's about Alan. He asked me to call."
There was a silence. "Alan asked you, out of all the people, to call me? Why wouldn't he call himself?"
"Because he's feeling too low to want to talk. I'm gonna call your parents as soon as you hung up. I need you to cone here. We have huge things to talk about."
"I'm pretty busy at the time, Austin. I don't know if I can."
"Sandra, it's fucking important! You need to come now."
"Oh yeah, and why?"
Austin stayed silent a moment. He didn't wanted to tell her now.
"It concerns your whole family."
"Oh yeah right. Know what? I don't want any of your lies anymore." And she hung up.
Austin stared at the phone. He breathed deeply. What are you doing Austin? You know she's already angry at you. You should have called their parents before, and you know it.
The truth was, he didn't wanted to wait until he call her and tell her she had no reason to hate him, like she was actually doing.
He called Patricia and Timothy.
"Here's Ashby's house." A male voice spoke.
"Hey, Timothy, it's Austin."
"Austin! It's been forever! How are you doing?"
"Well, I'm okay. I was wondering if the two of you could come here, we all have to talk."
"Is everything okay? Alan's okay?"
"It's really complicated, and I don't want to explain over the phone."
"Well, okay. When?"
"As soon as you can."
"Well, this weekend?"
"Great! Oh and I asked Sandra, but she... Was pretty angry, so if you, like... Could ask her to come..."
Timothy stayed silent. "We'll see."
"Thanks, see you soon."
"You too Austin."
And they hung up.
The weekend was in three days. He had to be quick to ask Sandra to come.
Then an idea stroke him. He stood up, and jogged to Alan's room. He knocked and opened.
Alan was laying on the covers, arms wide open, staring at the ceiling.
"Alan?" Austin asked. Alan turned his head to him.
"Sandra... Sandra doesn't want to hear anything from me, so she doesn't want to come. You parents are coming this weekend. Can you, like call her to tell her?"
Alan nodded, his eyes empty. He took his phone, and called his sister.
"Alan?" She asked in disbelief.
"Come next weekend." He simply said, his tone monotone.
"What? Why?"
"Austin told you. Come next weekend."
"What? But... But aren't you mad at him? And why? Did something happened?"
He stayed silent a long moment. "Just come this weekend."
"But Alan, tell me I'll...."
"Shut up! What don't you fucking understand it, come this weekend?!"
Austin put his hand on his shoulder. "Calm down Alan."
"Austin's with you?!" She asked.
"Come this fucking week end and stop asking question." And he hung up.
Austin frowned, not sure if she was going to come.
"Please leave." Alan whispered.
Austin nodded and left him alone. He knew what he had done was pretty egoist, he had told Alan who just wanted to be alone, to call his sister. All of that just because Austin really wanted her there.
What are you doing, Austin? She was Alan's sister. She had a boyfriend for four years. You need to calm the fuck down.



Austin went the to bed, worried about Sandra's coming.
Alan was laying on his bed. He felt a bit bad for being mean with his sister. He had just... He couldn't take people not coopering with him at the time. All he wanted was to be left alone. He knew he had to tell everyone,and he wanted to do so, but at the same time he really didn't wanted to be with anyone else than Katelyn.
Katelyn. He couldn't help but see how much she looked like her mom. She had the same beautiful eyes. She had the same look he fell in love with. Zoey. His Zoey. His everything.
How was he supposed to do without her? How was he supposed to live while his love was dead? She was the reason he woke up in the morning, the reason he smiled, and so much more. She was the reason he was who he was. Without her, he would never have met Austin, and never be in OM&M. Without her he wouldn't have met the people who mattered the most now. Without her, he would be no one now.
And she was no longer there. And so he was no longer himself.
His eyes fell on his guitar. His acoustic one. It was in his room, but he hadn't touch it since thee break up, or so.
He remembered when he played for her. How she felt good when he played. He remembered when they had wrote The Calm, together. He remembered her falling asleep, her head on his lap while he played. He remembered how she was smiling. She was happy. At that moment, he was, too. But now her smile was erased from life. All he had were memories and pictures.
He slowly stood up, took his guitar. He sat on the bed.
Slowly he started playing that song. It has been forever since he played, and he was making many mistakes. But he played it over and over again. Until it was perfect. Or at least good.
He looked at his own guitar. It felt so good to play again. He loved playing. Somehow, he had miss it.
He smiled. He knew she loved when he played. Was she looking right now? He hoped she was. He knew she loved hearing him, or seeing him write new music. She always said that it was like he was in his own world.
He started playing random chords he knew were sounding good.
And like that, slowly, thinking about her and what she liked, he imagined a riff.
He kept playing until early in the morning, when he felt really tired. He went to bed, and looked at his phone. 5:26 am. He had 8 missed call from his sister, and 5 of his parents.
He rolled his eyes, and let his phone on the night stand.
He closed his eyes, and fell asleep.
"Alan! Wake up!"
He opened his eyes slowly. He smiled to Zoey. She was laying next to him, her head on his chest.
His hand went up to her hair. He stroked it. She smiled.
"I love you, you know?"
"I know." He smiled. "I love you too."
She slowly kissed him. He smiled into the kiss.
"I'm sorry." She whispered, ending the kiss. She had tears in her eyes.
"Don't be." He said. "We're together now."
She let her head rest back on his chest, not answering.
He let his eyes shut down.
And he heard a scream. His eyes shot open. He was surrounded by white. There was nothing around him. But he heard her voice. He beautiful voice twisted by pain. She was screaming in hurt. Something was happening!
"Zoey?!" He shouted.
"Alan?!" Her voice answered, still full of pain. "Alan are you here?!" Her voice filled with hope.
"Where are you?!" He screamed.
She was about to answer, but her sentence was but short by a scream of pain. "Alan!" She shouted, her voice filled with tears. "Save me!" And there was other screams.
Alan was running in every direction trying to get closer. But nothing. He couldn't see her. He was crying, and his stomach was twisted in fear.
"ALAN!" She screamed way stronger.
"ZOEY?!" He screamed in answer, but this time she didn't answered.
"ZOEY!!!" He cried. "Zoey! Where are you?"
But only the silence answered. His throat was dry. His whole body was shaking. He fell on his knees. "ZOEEY!"
Silence.
He was laying on his bed. He hadn't scream awake like he did the day before. He only opened his eyes, crying.
Zoey was gone. And no matter what was happening, it hurt a lot.
He looked at his own hands.
I just want to be with her. He wasn't asking for more. Just be with her.
Forever.
Slowly he stood up, and walked to the bathroom.
He looked at himself. You're so miserable without her.
All you need is her.
His hand wasn't hesitating when he took his razor. He broke it open, and took out the blades.
I'm coming babe.



Austin was awoken in the middle of the night. He felt strange. He turned on his other side, trying to get back to sleep.
After some minutes of turning around over and over again, he signed and stood up.
He was walking to the restroom, when he saw the door of the bathroom being closed the from inside. Too tired to care, he went to the toilets, and then to the kitchen. He drank a glass of water, breathing in deeply.
He stared at the floor. The place was really silent. And no matter what, he still felt a weird feeling in the pit of his stomach.
He put the glass down, and slowly walked back to his room. He stopped staring at the bathroom. There was light coming from inside, but the door was closed.
Going to check on him won't hurt anyone. He thought, still having a bad feeling.
He knocked. Silence. He frowned.
"Alan?" He called. Silence.
"Alan! Are you in there?"
He must have forgot the light on. He opened the door to turn it off, and froze.
Alan was there, sitting on the floor, his back to he wall.
He was admiring his own wrist. And the blood coming out of it.
His other hand was still holding the blade.
Alan didn't even noticed Austin. All he could think about was Zoey. Seeing her. Being with her.
It took some seconds to Austin to be able to move again.
But when his brain worked again, he ran to him, throwing himself on his knees, in the small spill of blood. He threw the blade away, and took Alan's wrist. He stood back up, trying to reach for the first aid kit.
"Stop" Alan said, his voice weak.
"No." Austin simply answered. He would talk later. For now he needed to clean this. The cut didn't seemed so deep, it would bleed more if it was.
Austin cleaned the wound, and bandaged it. He put on a huge bandages which was covering Alan's entire wrist. If he wanted to do that again, he would have to undo the bandages, and with one hand, it would be really really hard.
Once Austin was satisfied with the result, he made Alan take off his shirt and pants, covered in blood. He put everything in the sink. Some blood had gone through the material of the shirt. He signed, and cleaned that too, feeling a bit weird about cleaning his friend's chest. But each time he saw Alan's face, he knew he had to. He had to take care of him because Alan wasn't able to do it himself.
Then Austin helped Alan back in his bed. He laid him down.
"Why did you do this?" Austin asked, sitting on the side of the bed.
"I want to be with her." Alan said. "You should have let me." His voice was dead.
Austin didn't answered. The words Zoey had told him were sounding in his mind. He felt the guilt twisting his stomach. "He'll be completely broken if I died, right? He'll think I was the love of his life, and that now that I'm no longer there, he has nothing to do here. I don't want that." She knew what was going to happen. And he had provoked it.
He looked at Alan, who was laying down on the bed, staring at the ceiling.
He didn't know what to say to help his friend. He could only sat there.
He knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, so he stayed there. He didn't want to leave Alan alone.
He closed his eyes, and the image came back in his head. He saw the blood again.
He stood up, and walked to the kitchen. He drank water. He didn't even wanted alcohol. He needed to be fully alert for Alan.
You're the one to blame for the tentative of suicide your friend did. He only wanted to cry.
He didn't know what to do. Who to call? Nobody knew.
Then he remembered everyone was coming in the morning. He would probably have to tell them.
He walked back to Alan's room, and sat next to him. Alan wasn't sleeping, but only staring at the floor. He barely turned his head to Austin. He was dead inside.