Letters

After two weeks confined inside my house, I started going out. One night out became two, and two became three... and soon I was out every night, getting wasted, and fixing the hangovers with booze.
It was one of those night. I had been out all night, and when I get back home, I was wasted. But something seemed wrong, even for my drunken self. But being drunk, I simply shrugged, and went to bed.
I opened my eyes, the day after, my head hurting like hell. I walked to my kitchen to take some advil, but froze. My house was weird. It was like… It missed something, but I couldn’t see what. I took the pills, then walked to the bathroom to wash away the smell of alcohol.
I opened the door of the bathroom, and walked in. took my toothbrush but froze. I stared. There was a cup, with my toothbrush in it, with my toothpaste.
Hers were no longer there.
With a shaking hand, I opened the drawer. Empty. I ran to the bedroom, and three open the door of the dressing. Half of it was empty. I walked back to my kitchen, and living room, noticing all the stuff that were missing. I let out a scream, and kicked my couch angrily. I had been drunk in a bar, while she had been there. The tears were running down my cheeks. It seemed to be definitely over. At least for her.
I didn't see Austin again after that day. I talked with the guys, and no one knew what happened. They were all angry at him: he had let his best friend down without a reason. He had ditched me.
But with time, I finally knew what happened. Nobody told me, but there wasn't any other explanation.
He was with her. He had betrayed me, and was with that bitch. And when she left me, she left him too. I knew they were best friends, and that was why I always let them together without worrying. How dumb I was. My best friend. I didn't know he was capable of that kind of things. He always said how he hated cheating people. What a liar. I hated them two. The two person I trusted the most betrayed me. They fucked behind my back.

A week after, I was laying on my back. It was around 4 pm. Aaron and Phil were in my living room. We had a meeting, but I didn't want to move. I heard someone opening the door (they had became used to come in without waiting for me).
"Tino, hey" Aaron said.
Tino's here... I should go there.
"You look like shit. Something happened?" Phil asked.
"Austin. I was at his."
"Ow."
I stopped moving, and listened.
"What's up with him?" Aaron asked, annoyed.
"I hadn’t seen him for like, two or three weeks, but he's been wasted for the past few days. He is kind of in the same state as Alan. But he won't say what happened. He keep saying to leave him alone."
"What the fuck is going on?" Aaron seemed pretty angry. "That bitch cheated on Alan, and Austin isn't there with him, he rather act like he's the one she broke up with?!"
Seems like we all think the same.
"Aaron, we're talking about Austin, he would never do that. He was really close with her, so maybe he's just really depressed that she choose to left him and Alan behind..." Tino tried to defend his friend, but even himself didn't believed it.
"If it was true, wouldn't he be with Alan right now?"
They stayed silent.
"That's so fucked up..." Phil said lower.
"What you mean?"
"We're supposed to write a fucking album right now! But Alan and Austin are wasted most of the time, and it's fucking possible that Austin just screwed their friendship over."

I didn't see Austin for three month. Not a word. We had put Of Mice And Men on hiatus. I saw him briefly on my birthday, in may, but I was so wasted that have no idea what happened.
After we two started to move on, we saw each other from time to time. But we weren't close. Austin never told anything about what had happened, but now we all knew.
I knew we would never be close friends again. We went along with each other for the guys. But none of us wanted something like touring. The more we stayed away, the happiest we were. Even if none of us was a little bit happy.
I've heard the guys talking about how he is. They said he is worst than me. Worst than me.
It made me mad when I heard it. It was like they were saying he loved her more than I had loved her. As if I had been the second guy the whole time.
I had loved her, with everything I had. I would have get her the moon. I could have done everything for her. But no. She didn't loved me back. She lied to me. She used me. Maybe to reach Austin? After all, the girls always choose Austin over me. Everyone choose Austin over me. He was funnier, sexier, more gentle, more friendly, more famous. He was the singer, as I was just the rhythm guitar. He was there from the beginning, and I was new. I was there because of him. In interviews, they always asked him, and someone else.
Maybe she had loved him more than she had loved me. Maybe he had once again be better than me. Maybe she was bored with me, but wasn't with Austin. Maybe love was another thing he doing better than me.

It took us another six month to be able to be a band again. We hadn't told anyone about the reason behind the hiatus. Fans were wondering it was something with me and Austin: we had been almost nonexistent on internet for two or three months. But we didn't want to talk about our personal stories.
So, six month after the break up, we went to do dates. Our manager wanted to do some huge tour, since we had been away for so long. But we declined. We weren't able to do that. I would become mad, two fucking month with Austin. We got along for the fans, but we were fighting all the time. He asked us to make a record, but we declined. For the same exact reason.
With time, I had started to go to fuck random girls. It wasn't helping the emptiness in my chest. She wasn't here. She was with another guy. A guy she loved. She had lied to me, it couldn't be anything else.
Even if I hated her with everything I had, even, I still dreamed about her at night. I still surprised myself thinking ‘she isn't as hot as Zoey' when I look at a girl. When I fuck those girls, I compare them to her. And how worst than her they are.
And I found a way to not feel so empty. I fill myself with anger. Against Austin, against everyone. Anger is so much better than emptiness. It hurt less.
And Austin was doing the same. Even if he hadn't any reason to be angry at me: I wasn't the one having sex with his girlfriend, he was.

"Alan! It's been fucking forever!" Sam, from Asking Alexandria said, as he man-hugged me.
"Yeah, I know!" I smiled weakly. All I wanted was to get wasted. If we were still together, we would have been celebrating our 3 years anniversary today. September 21st. I wanted to be wasted the whole day, and forget all the memories running in my head.
"I've heard about the six month hiatus you guys made. What happened?" Ben asked.
I saw Tino, Phil and Aaron sharing a look, as I looked straight before me.
"Yeah, well... it's nothing." Tino said, shrugging, and obviously hoping we could drop the subject. I was hoping too.
"You're okay, Alan?" Sam asked. He was still next to me.
My jaw clenched, as I smiled the best I could. "Yeah, yeah. I'm alright."
"Really? You seem... down. Cheer up, were on stage tonight!"
I nodded. "Yeah, sorry just a bad day."

After the show, we decided to go to a club, after the show. The guys were at a table, drinking. I was sitting at the bar, alone. I wanted to be alone, that night. I remembered when we started, four years ago. Or the first time I met her, on Valentine's day. Ow cheesy. But no, I was alone, and her date stood her up, so she had a reservation in a fancy restaurant for two, and was alone. So she invited the first person she saw, to eat with her. It happened to be me. We ate together, and talked for a long time. Then we pretended to be a couple to get reduction, everywhere we were going after the dinner, and started our friendship. It was so perfect back then. I looked at my empty glass. There was a knock in my stomach. She was gone, now.
A hand on my shoulder made me rose my head. A girl was there, looking at me. Her shirt was trying its best to cover her boobs, but was miserably failing. She had too much make up on her face. She smiled at me.
"You seem down. I'm sure I can cheer you up."
I stared at her. If only you could.
But before I could say anything, I heard Austin talking to me, his eyes full of hate.
"You're gonna fuck today?! Are you a fucking dick?!"
"For sure he's going to." The girl said, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.
I wanted to put it away. I didn't want sex. Not at all. But I didn't push her away. I just wanted to piss Austin off. To think about something else than Zoey.
"The fuck Alan? It's your fucking 3 years anniversary!"
"It would have been our 3 years anniversary. We broke up, remember?"
I was hurt, and I was trying to hurt him as much.
"Yeah, I fucking know."
I saw all the guys looking at us. But I didn't give a shit.
"Yeah, after all she broke up with you, too. It seems like you've never been enough to become the only boyfriend she had. You just weren't enough for her."
His jaw clenched. "Shut up." He said.
I smirked. "Oh, sorry, but you know, the truth hurt." I said with a sarcastic voice.
"So, after six month, I do whatever I want. Sorry you're so pathetic you're not able to do the same. Remember: she's a whore."
With that, my word finally reach their purpose, as he loose his calm.
"Shut the fuck up, bastard!" He yelled as his fist collided with the side of my mouth. I took a few step back, bending down, before I rose up, my elbow up in the air, punching him in the nose. It made an horrible sound. He took a second, then punched me in the side. I was about to punch him back when two arms stopped me. I tried to break free, and saw that Austin was in the same position. Danny was behind him, trying to stop him. They took us outside, since the bartender was screaming at us to get out.
Once we got outside, Austin and I were still hold by Danny and Tino.
"What the fuck?!" Aaron finally exploded. "What was that? You can't just act like you fucking get along?!"
"He's a fucking bastard, Aaron!" I yelled, still trying to break free.
"Stop acting like you're five years old!!"
All the guys from Asking were staring at us. We used to be so close, Austin and I. It must be really shocking to see us like that.
"It's been six fucking month! You can't break of mice! Fuck, guys! If you continue like that, in two month, there would no longer be an OM&M! Why wouldn't you move on?! And forget her?"
Austin stayed silent, but I couldn't. Forget her? Really Aaron? It would be the same if you were asking me to forget my own name. I will never forget her.
"You know what, Aaron?" I said, perfectly calm. I had decided.
Tino let go of me, since I was calm. Danny did the same. And Austin didn't move, he was looking at me. Like everyone else.
"Fuck you, Aaron. Fuck you too Tino and Phil. And mostly" I turned around, to face Austin, who was as shocked as all the guys. "fuck you, Austin. Hope you're happy you've lost your friend. I quit."
"What-what you mean?" Austin asked me.
"Find yourself another guitarist."
With that, I turned around and walked away. No one followed me, they were too shocked.
I took the first cab I saw, and told him my address.
All I wanted was to forget that horrible day.
I walked inside my house. I had turned off my phone in the cab, since everyone was trying to call me.
I lay down in my bed.
Three years.
She should have been there, next to me. We should have been in a fancy restaurant.
But no. No fancy restaurant, no mind-blowing sex. No anniversary. Instead, I quit my band. I lost my best friend, and my jaw is fucking hurting, as my side is.
A tear rolled down my face. I sniffed, and tried my best to not cry. I wasn't going to cry over this. Over them. They didn't deserve it. They betrayed me. They stabbed me in the back.
I shouldn't feel like I was so empty. I should be angry at them, I should hate them. But I can't. I just can't hate people I used to care so much about. They were practically everything for me.
I curled into a ball. Why me? What have I done? I had loved her with all my heart, I had been as kind as I could. And she left me like a fucking piece of shit.