Letters

"You... You're a dad?" Patricia asked, staring at her son. He had pulled away from her during Austin's speech.

He still couldn't get used to that name. He was a dad. It made him feel so weird. So old, somehow. He nodded to his mom.

"Wow..." she whispered.

"You... You mean I have a nephew?" Sandra covered her mouth with her hand, as she spoke.

Austin nodded with a smile. "Yes, you do. And she's the cuttest thing ever."

Alan couldn't help smiling as he thought about her. Katelynn. She was his little baby, and he would do anything for his baby.

"I'm a grand ma!" Patricia exclaimed, as she wrapped her arms around Alan. He smiled and hugged her tight.

Timothy was silent. He was a shy person, who wouldn't let too much of his feelings showing. He was only looking at his son, pourdly. He was a dad too, now. and he could see the lights shining into Alan's eyes.

"Can we see her?" Sandra asked, eager to see her.

"Well, Carol proposed to come here, so they're on their way." Austin smiled to her.

"Really?! Katelyn? Here?" Alan asked with a huge smile.

"Yeah, they're coming, Eli's driving them." He smiled wider.

20 minutes later, Carol opened the door, followed by Eli holding Katelynn in her arms. Before anyone could greet them, Alan rushed to her, and took the baby in his arms. "Hello baby, Daddy's here." Daddy. He thought. It was so weird. He kissed her forehead anyway, and her giggle made him forget about any worry he could have. she tried to catch his long ginger hair. He giggled with her.

He turned around, to face his family, a big smile on his face, but he faced Austin's phone, as he took a pic of him smiling proudly, his baby in his arms. They all went closer, then, and Patricia took the little girl in her arms. She smiled to the baby, and played with her, while her, Timothy and Sandra were admiring the baby. Alan couldn't take his eyes off of his daughter, worried because she wasn't in his arms.

He remembered what almost happened the night before, and he knew he had to stay, even if the only thing he wanted was going up with Zoey, for his little girl's shake. He had to take care of her, and when she would be big enough, he would gladly come to his love. It seemed like the best thing to do.

After some minutes, he couldn't take it, he went to his mom, and took his baby back. He sat on the couch, and rocked her back and forth to help her sleeping. Her eyes closed almost immediately. He smiled and stroked the small ginger hair on her head.

"So you're Zoey's grandmother?" Sandra asked Carol. She nodded. "She was an amazing girl..." She whispered. Carol nodded again.

During all the scene, Justin had been quiet. He sat on the couch, next to Eli, and rested is back on the couch. Slowly, she's did the same, pulling herself slightly closer. He smiled.



The days were slowly passing, looking like the prior and the next.

Alan could barely sleep due to nightmares. They were always worst than the day before. He was seeing her dying every night.

But the during the first part of each nightmare, he really felt like he was with her. With the days, that part was getting longer. And it wasn't memories, but new moments with her. He grew almost dependent (?) Of those moments. He needed more of them, even if the second part of the dream would kill him.

Most of the night, he would wake up two hours or so after going to bed, and then he would work on his guitar, to write the best song for her.

During the day he was at Carol, taking care of his baby girl. Most of the time, he would just laid down, on the floor next to her baby bed. And he slept there. Because she kept the nightmares away.

The other were worried about him, but glad he had Katelynn. They all knew he needed the baby.

After over a week, Austin started making the paper for Alan to be the official dad. They found out that the easier way for Alan to adopt the baby girl, even if she was his daughter. After some disagreement from him, he accepted, seeing that he didn't have much choice.

And so, he decided he needed a nursery in his apartment, to be able to have her home. The problem was that his apartment wasn't big enough to have a nursery, and he was only a tenant, he couldn't change a whole room. But he refused to move out. He loved this apartment, it had too many memories.

So he decided he would do another thing, for now: putting a new baby bed into his own bedroom, against his bed, so she would be next to him, and all the needed nursery would be half in the bathroom, half in the second room.

The first night he took her there, he fell asleep, his head against the bars of the bed. During the night he started to move. He was in a back room, empty, but he felt scared. He turned and turned back but there was nothing. He felt his breath going quicker, but felt like he couldn't control his movements.

He heard a cry. Somebody was crying, loudly.

"Zoey?" He asked. He concentrated on the cry, and recognized it. Katelynn.

He jolted awake, and stared at his baby girl, who was crying. He took her in his arms, worried, and knew instantly by the smell that she needed to be changed. He signed, and went into the bathroom.

After that, he went back to bed, and slept until the morning. He hadn't slept this good since days.

He smiled at his sleeping girl. He loved her. She was his daughter. He still couldn't take it. It was so much to handle. He wasn't ready, but he truly loved her.

He looked at his phone, noticing it was only 8 am. And I felt like I had a fucking good night. it's fucking EIGHT! He shook his head, and went on internet.

They had all agreed that they didn't want to tell people about Katelynn. Alan wanted to protect her from everyone, and he didn't want some weird curious peoples. And also, he wasn't ready to explain what happened to the rest of the world.

so he went on Instagram, seeing many pics of anyone, he saw that everywhere, many fans were asking what was happening to him, because he hadn't really posted anything in months. He thought about posting something, but he didn't knew what. He wanted to tell everyone he was okay, so they wouldn't worry. He wanted them to still look up at him. He had always enjoyed that feeling, the feeling of having kids thinking he was better than anyone else. He knew he wasn't, but sometimes, it helped feeling better.

He used to be bullied, when he was a kid, but then, music helped him out of this shit, and he became a normal guy in high school, but Of Mice And Men had made him went higher. Now many people loved him, and it would have been lying saying that he didn't liked it.

Even if the look that made him feel the better was not longer there, he still had all the other. Zoey had always been there to help him, to make him feel good. Because she cared about his well being. As much as he cared about hers. Even now that she was no longer there, he knew she still cared about him. He wanted to make her happy, even if she wasn't next to him. And to do that, he had to get out of this shit. He had to make it. He had to survive.

He looked at his guitar, and knew what he was going to post. He put the guitar on his knees, and took a pic of his hand on the handle. He posted it with the caption "Working." He didn't really wanted to talk much, just enough to let know that he was still alive. After all Zoey didn't want him to stop doing music.

He let his phone on the couch, and took the paper, with the first lyrics he had wrote, and continued working.

For now, he had drafts of at least three songs. Three rifts to be exact, and idea for lyrics for one, and a chorus for the other. He didn't have any idea for the other, but he had time. He continued playing, trying, changing, writing those songs.

Around eleven, someone went inside. Alan let his guitar, and went into the living room after throwing one last look at his baby, who was still sleeping.

In the living room, he was greeted by Aaron. Alan rose an eyebrow, wondering why Amanda wasn't there, since she loved Katelynn. Aaron sat on the couch, motioning to Alan to do the same. He did so, frowning.

"I wanted to talk to you about something." Aaron told him, and Alan nodded. "Are you... what would you say about being back in Of Mice?"

Alan's eyes went big. And he instantly smiled. "You.. You're really asking? like, I was a dick with you, and you have another guitarist..."

"Are you stupid Alan? You're the guitarist of Of Mice, with Phil. No one else, even if some guy was taking your place. And yeah, you were a dick, but we all knew why, and we all understood, don't worry. So, are you OK?"

"YEAH!" Alan yelled. "Sure I am!"

Aaron smile went big. He hadn't seen Alan smiling like that in months. "Welcome back!"

Alan smiled. "Why are you alone? The others aren't with you?" He asked.

"I texted them this morning after seeing you pic on instagram, and I came here directly. I guess the guys are on their way. I just couldn't wait."

Alan laughed, as Tino walked inside. "Hey guy! How are you?"

"Good!" Alan smiled. Tino could still see the hurt behind the smiling facade, but he was glad that Alan could smile. He knew alan wasn't lying when he said he was good. That was probably how he felt. He felt good, compared as before.

"He's back in Of Mice!!" Aaron almost yelled.

"YEAH!" Tino cheered, and hugged Alan. Alan laughed.

They heard small cries coming from the bedroom. Alan looked at the clock. "It's her time." He stated, before leaving for the bedroom. He took her off of her bed, as she whimpered. He smiled, and took her to the kitchen.

The two other observed him, as he walked there.

"Can you take her while I prepare her baby bottle?" He asked. The guy nodded so he gave Tino his baby girl. He went to the fridge, and pulled out the special milk, then he took the bottle, but as he was counting how much she needed, she started crying loudly, shaking into Tino's arms. Tino didn't know what to do, and so he only tried to rock her, without any effect.

Alan walked there, and took her in his arms, his hands right under her arms. He pulled her higher, over his face. Her cries called down a little, as she stared at her dad. "No need to cry, I'm gonna feed you." He smiled to her. He kissed her noise before bringing her closer to his chest. "Can you guys do it? It's fucking hard to do it while holding her."

"As long as you told us what to do." Aaron said, smiling to him. Tino was only taking pictures of the dad and his daughter. In the short time they had met her, they all had hundreds of pictures of the two of them. They were just so cute.

Aaron was doing whatever Alan was saying, when Austin walked in.

"Hey guys!" He cheered. "And hey cutie." He said to the baby, kissing her head. Alan smiled.

Aaron handed him the bottle, and her sat at the first chair, putting the bottle in her small mouth. She was hungrily drinking, and her smiled. Her small arms were holding the plastic bottle.

"So Alan." Austin said to gain his attention. Alan rose his head to him. "You're back?!" The two smiled wide.

"I am." Alan said, not believing it yet.

"I got another news: I made a deal with the manager, no tour until late January. He was really angry, but he agreed. He also want us to work on the next album, but I don't know if we..."

"I'm working on three new songs." Alan stated. The other turned to him, but before they could ask, Phil walked inside.

"Hey!" He smiled. "what's up?" He asked.

"Alan's back!!" Aaron shouted. "And he's even writing songs at the moment."

"Wow, great, man!" Phil smiled.

"Yeah, well, I don't know if the songs can be used, and you'll need to help on lyrics and all, but I'm working on them."

"You need to show us!" Tino smiled. Alan nodded.

"And so, with the four we already have, it makes seven. Seven songs for the next albums." Austin smiled, happy and wanting to work on it already.

Alan's eyes went down on his little girl. He didn't know of he was ready to make a new album, and tour, but it was all his life. Making the album, he was okay with that. But touring? He wasn't sure. And was it fair to write an album with her when he didn't want to tour with them.

He looked at his baby girl. She had stopped eating, but hadn't finished her drink. "Hey,drink it all, baby. Please." He told her, kissing her forehead. She wasn't listening to him at all,playing with her own fingers. He sighed and gave up. He put the bottle on the table, and kissed her head.



And so, after calling the manager, he was glad, but pushed them into making the album now, before going back on tour.

So in the beginning of December, they all went to the studio to work. Alan threw himself in the work, so he didn't have the time to think about anything else. He was so tired when he came home that he didn't have dreams. He went to see his baby one or two hours the day, because he couldn't see her less. He had showed the songs to the guys, and they had loved. On one of the song, Aaron Austin and him were working on the lyrics, and they couldn't figure out a good bass line, it never worked. On the other, his lyrics had been barely changed,only on moment where it didn't really fit with the music. They had changed some part of the guitar riff, and the drum was still to write. On the last, most of the instrumental was done, but the lyrics weren't at all ready.

Those song had an heavy meaning to him, and he hoped people would understand and think about people that meant to them.

One was even more personal that the two others. It was a love sing, and the other were more camouflaged into usual song Of Mice And Men did. Even if it was different from the prior album.

They also re-worked on the four song they already had.

Two were now finished: PSA, a song Austin had wrote, and that meant a lot to him. Sometimes, he found the whole rock star thing annoying. Sometimes he wanted to be like everyone else. He wanted to go wherever he wanted and not be noticed. And they weren't even a huge band. Big on the metal, rock scene maybe, but not that much on the rest.

The other song was You're Not Alone, that Austin and Aaron wrote for their fans.

Those two songs had barely been modified, when going into the studio, which was why they were already finished.

Then, the two other songs they were working on were one really, really angry song. Austin was the one to write the lyrics, but when Alan heard what they had for the song, the guitar riff wasn't that great. They were still working on that. The other one was more calm, and probably one of Alan's favorite, so far.

His songs weren't his favorites, because he knew the meaning of every word, and hearing any of them was hurting him. They were all destined to Zoey, and just thinking about her hurt. Secretly, deep inside of him, he hoped the fans wouldn't love the songs that much, so they wouldn't have to sing them in live much.

They also needed to keep writing, but Alan didn't really have much time for that. From the moment he was awake, to late in the night he was at the studio. He only posed during the day to go see his baby girl. The guys understood he needed to, so they let him.