Letters

The album was loved by pretty much everyone. Bones Exposed soon became the fans' favorite.

Alan was okay with that, it wasn't the most powerful song if the album, for him.

After, they did some really long photoshoot. It was so long mostly because they managed to cover Alan's sign of lack of sleep, and also to cover all the weight he had lost, and make it look like he was still the same.

And then tour. He was pretty stressed because of it. Almost every night, when he had nightmares, he would go play guitar, or with Katelynn if he could. But she wouldn't be there. He didn't know if he could do it. But he would try.

He also didn't know if he was able to jump here and there on the stage, in front of fans. He barely had enough energy, and definitely not had the mind to do that. He knew it would be really hard to be as he used to.

The first night of tour, it wasn't a show, only traveling to go to the first date. Alan was staying in his bunk, laying down.

He was afraid of falling asleep. He knew for a fact that he sometimes would shout or cry in his sleep, when he had nightmares. The guys didn't know about those. He was afraid he was going to woke them up. And then, when he woke up, he had to do something, not to get crazy.

After two hours trying to fight falling asleep, his eyes closed.

"Alaaaaan!" He heard her voice calling. He smiled wide to her, and opened his arms. She ran to him and jumped in his arms. They laughed as he held her off of the floor. When their laughter died down, she kissed all over his face. "I looove you!" She laughed, kissing his lips.

He smiled and kissed her back. Their lips moved in sync. She licked his lips, and he instantly opened his mouth for their lips to met. Their tongues danced, as her hands played with his hair, and his shirt.

When they pulled away, he set her back on the floor. She instantly started to take his shirt off. He smiled and helped her. When his shirt was off, she hugged him, resting her head against his skin. He stroked her hair lightly.

Their clothes were completely off, but none of them cared, as they hugged each other like dear life. His head nuzzled into her neck.

"Don't leave me" he whispered against her skin.

"I never left. I'm with you. I love you." He held her closer. He crashed her body to his. "I'll be there forever, love." She told him.

He pulled away to kiss her face, but suddenly she wasn't there. He turned around, and stared at a door. There was a glass in the middle, so he could see inside. He walked closer, and his eyes went wide in horror.

Inside, Zoey was laying on a operation table, her wrists and ankles tied down. She was crying, probably in pain.

Alan tried to open the door, but it was closed.

"I want Alan!" She screamed.

"He isn't there, sweetheart." A surgeon entered Alan's vision. Alan stared.

"Don't hurt me!" She cried. She was trying to escape, but her members were tied too strongly. She couldn't break free.

The guy walked to her, and took a scalpel. In one fluid movement he cut open her stomach. She cried loudly.

Alan was trying his best to open that fucking door. He kicked, tried to break it with his shoulder, to break the glass, but nothing even made it move. He screamed as he saw him cut deeper.

She cough blood, as she cried in pain.

Alan punched the fucking glass over and over again. He screamed her name, praying she would hear him.

The guy was laughing hard. He opened her arm, with the scalpel. He wrote down letters in capital.

"IT'S YOUR FAULT"

Alan, stared, as the tears were rolling down his eyes. Her cries would stay in his memory for the rest of his life.

The guy laughed. He started cutting next to the words.

Alan's eyes went huge, and his stomach flipped as he understood that the guy was taking that part of her skin off of her arm.

She was screaming so loudly, and the guy stopped, half of the part of skin off. His hands were covered in blood. There was blood everywhere.

And then, the guy looked up at him. They shared the same features. Alan was the executioner.

He jolted awake in a scream.

All the guy from the band were staring worriedly at him.

"We've tried to wak-"

Alan pushed Austin out of his way, as he ran to the bathroom. He threw himself against the lavatory, and threw up.

He was the one to make her suffer. Maybe not really physically, but mentally. He had killed her. It was his fault. He deserved those nightmares. They were the truth.

He deserved what was happening to him. He was an horrible person.

He threw up again.

He felt a hand in his shoulder, and rose his head to see the worried face of Justin.

He didn't know what to say to Alan. Nobody knew how to help him. He never talked about what he was seeing. Nobody knew what he was thinking, or how bad his thoughts were.

"What did you see?" Aaron asked him.

Alan eyes stared into space. He saw again how she was tortured. He saw again every cut in her body. And he saw his face again. He doing all of that.

He felt tears rolling down his eyes, as he could still hear her cries.

"Her." He whispered.

They stayed silent, waiting for another explanation, but nothing came.



The next day was the first concert.

Alan asked not to play Another You, and everyone agreed. They all knew it was hard to hear or to play this song for him. It meant too much. The manager agreed, but asked them to play Would You Still Be There, since it was a really popular song, much to Alan dismay. He didn't thought his songs were that good.

The last half an hour before the show, Alan was sweating, and constantly drinking water, trying to calm himself down. His breath hitched in his throat, as they were called.

"It's gonna be awesome." Justin smiled to him, as he patted his shoulder. "Don't worry."

Alan nodded, and ran after Phil on stage.

The crowd was screaming as they saw them. Alan stared for half a second, before smiling like crazy. That was were he was feeling home. That was what he loved doing. That was why Zoey was proud of him.

He couldn't physically run on stage like Phil was doing. His body was weak, and he it was really hard to try to look like everything was normal. His whole body was on fire, but he didn't cared. He felt a bit more complete, up there.

He looked at the crowd. He saw the look of fans. They didn't know anything about Zoey, or Katelynn. But they were still looking up at him. They were idolizing him. He wished sometimes to be just half like fans described him. But he loved it. Who wouldn't? He wanted people to keep that look on him. Most of them didn't cared about his personal life. They were all thinking a lot of good things about him.

And maybe, he wasn't such a disgusting human being as he thought during the prior night.

He closed his eyes for a second, and shook his head. It wasn't the moment to think about that.

He went back to playing.

And then, it was that song. They all threw worried looks at him, as they started playing Would You Still Be There. Alan had his head low, barely head banging. He had a lump blocking his throat.



Alan had tears in his eyes, but didn't let them fall. He needed to be strong.



Aaron had his eyes closed, as he sung. He knew what each word meant. He knew what he was singing, and it was breaking his heart. He could only imagine what Alan was living.

As the chorus started, Alan acted as if it was okay, and jumped around the best her could.


Then would you still be there?

Alan's eyes went back shut.



Those words hurt too much. It was too much how he felt to be able to listen to it.

Why in hell did he choose to put those song into the album? He knew it would make him cry!

The chorus went back, and Alan could barely act as if he was okay. He had tears rolling down his cheeks. The fans in the crowd probably couldn't see it. But still, he felt like shit for crying on stage.



Alan looked up, as he heard Austin yell 'sing with us!' To the crowd.


He was able to see all the fans singing the song with Aaron and Austin. It only made him cry harder, but he smiled. He smiled wide seeing so many people singing his words for Zoey. They didn't shared his feelings, they didn't even knew the truth behind those words, but they were still singing. They understood, and agreed with his words. Just not for the same reasons.



He looked up. He could only see the ceiling of thee venue, but he was looking at something else. The ring on his chest was weighting a lot, suddenly. I love you, Zoey. He thought, to her. I hope you're proud of that. I owe you so much. All my life, in fact.



"Thank you so much for coming out tonight!" Austin told the crowd. "Stop by the merch and buy our new record!"

With that, they walled away, and Justin who had been the only one to notice in which state Alan was in, jogged and caught him at the second he walked backstage. Justin pulled the guitar away, and made him sat down.

Everything was turning around Alan. He needed food. He knew it.

His back fell, but he was caught by someone.

"What the..." He heard a voice ask.

"He need food, and now! I need to take care of the guitars, but you all take him to the bus, and feed him!" Justin yelled to them.

Aaron wrapped his arm around Alan's back, and put his arm around his own shoulders.

"Come on Alan,we'll walk to the bus." Aaron told him. He nodded, and rested his head against Aaron, his eyes closed.

They slowly walked outside. Aaron was holding most of Alan's weight, and the ginger had his eyes closed not caring where he was going.

They were met by fans outside, and Alan tried to wave, but his arm fell back along his body, weak.

The fans were shocked to see him like that. The guys told them to let them go back to the bus, and the fans let them. They all seemed worried.

Once at the bus, they sat him on the couch, and gave Alan some sweets to be sure he wouldn't faint while Phil was making quick food.

Justin arrived soon, and he rushed to Alan.

"Did you ate today?" He said, on his knees in front of Alan.

Alan tried to remember but he couldn't remember. His brain wasn't working.

"It's ready." Phil told them.

They made Alan sat down at the table and he threw himself on the food.

Less than ten minutes later, Alan's face already was more colored.

"Sorry" He whispered once he finished.

"You just made us ten years older." Austin shook his head.

Justin smiled. "You need to eat more, it can be dangerous, and you know it."

"I know... It's just... You know, this morning..." He said, referring to his nightmare. "I just... Couldn't eat this morning." He stared at his hand.

Justin patted his shoulder. "It's okay, try to eat more, next time."

Alan nodded.

"I'll go back to the fans, they must be fucking worried." Tino smiled before walking out. Phil and Aaron followed him. Austin threw a questioning look to Justin, who nodded before he walking out.

Justin sat next to Alan.

"Are they that bad?" He asked.

Alan stayed silent. They stared at the wall for some long seconds.

"They only get worst." Alan stated. Justin stayed silent. There was nothing to say. "She's dying every night. Over and over again." Justin gave him a sad, worry and hurtful look. "This night...it was ... There was too much details. She was tied down to a table. And there was this guy... He..." He felt the tears coming, but he couldn't stop now that he had started. "He cut into her skin. And she was screaming and screaming... And I couldn't do anything! I was trying to open the fucking door, but I couldn't. And then... Then he wrote something on her skin. He wrote 'It's your fault.' and... And then..." Alan's voice broke, and Justin patted his back. "Then he laughed, and turned to me... And... And he was me" and with that, Justin's eyes went wide, and Alan broke down in cries. Justin awkwardly wrapped his arms around Alan, trying to comfort him. "I killed her" Alan stated.

Justin pulled away to look at him in the eyes. "This is not true. Her death is no one's fault. You didn't killed her."

"But if she hadn't been pregnant...."

"If she hadn't been now, she would have been later. Listen, it was her choice too. She never regretted her choice. She loves you, and loves Katelynn."

"I'm too young to be living this..." Justin pulled him closer, his jaw clenched. All he wanted was to help him. But he couldn't, none of them could.

"Do you want to call at Carol's to see Katelynn?" Justin proposed.

Alan rose hopefully eyes to him. Justin smiled and pulled out his phone to call Eli with video.

She answered soon, with a huge smile. Her smile faded as she saw Alan's face.

"Are you okay, Alan?" She asked.

Alan didn't answered, but Justin did for him. "Can you just show us Katelynn?"

"Okay, but she's sleeping." She said, worried.

She walked out of her room, and went to Katelynn's nursery. She opened the door, and turned a low light on. She turned the camera to show them Katelynn's sleeping face.

A small smile formed on Alan's face.

She was so beautiful.