Letters

As the days went by, Alan was feeling better. Every day, everyone was watching him eating, to be sure he was eating enough. Even if he understood they were taking care of him, he hated every second of it. It made him feel like a kid.

The dreams kept getting worse. He kept seeing her dying every night. And now, she was being tortured night after night. He dreaded going to sleep.

But night after night, the first part of the dream was longer too. He felt like she was talking with him. Like it was her, and not just what his mind was creating. Like her spirit was there and talked with him.

It had came to a point that this moment was the happiest he had in the whole day. It was just like it used to be. They were happy, just for one second. And it was all that mattered for Alan. Being in her arms. Kissing her lips. Hearing her beautiful voice that always managed to calm him down. Her smile. Her eyes. Everything. He missed every little detail of her.

He missed how caring she was. How she always made him feel better about everything. Every time something was wrong, she would always make him smile. He missed how she pushed him to do better. She was throwing away every doubt he had about himself. She loved him, and every part of him. Even all his flaws. Just like he did.

He knew she had loved their baby at the second she learned she was pregnant. He knew the way her parent reacted hurt her. He wished they could understand, and just genuinely care bout Katelynn. But they couldn't. They weren't a lot at Carol's, and the rest of the family barely even came there. He was sad for Katelynn, her mother's family didn't loved her fully.

At least his family loved her. His parents had told the rest of the family, and everyone had called, wishing him the best.

And the guys... They pretty much all considered her as their kid. While he was in tour, the girls were coming to Carol's at least once a week to see Katelynn.

They would all came back for three days, at first because Alan asked it, but Tino, Phil and Aaron immediately agreed. They would have three days at home for Valentine's day, followed by a show at home.

Alan asked at first to not have any show that day, because he knew he wouldn't be able to play. The others agreed and managed to have more days, to be able to fly home.

But before they had an interview. The guy had asked the whole band to be there, and so it was Alan's first interview since over a year.

They all sat on chairs, in front of the camera. They had two microphone for five, and had to share them. Alan decided to sit there, and not talk.

And he did well, after the first five minutes, he still hadn't spoke. And then, the interviewer asked different questions.

"So, you said that this album was more personal, than other. Why is that?"

Alan tried not to let show that it was one of the question he hoped wouldn't be asked.

"Well..." Austin started, trying to find a way to answer without giving too much information. "It's hard to explain, you know?" He said, throwing look at others, needing help.

"Many things happened, and changed our way to see many many things." Tino explained. "Life as well as music. And so we wrote something different from before. There's things we all needed to say, so we did."

"I wasn't in the making of firsts albums,"Aaron continued. " but it was completely different in other bands. I really, really enjoyed it." He smiled.

The guy nodded. "And Alan," he started, as Alan tensed. "How does it feel to be back?"

Alan took the microphone, and cleared his throat.

"Well... It's great, I love being in Of Mice, and I can see now how I missed it." He said. His voice was low. His heart was running. Was he sounding like he used to? Would the fans see he was weird?

"Then why did you quit?"

They all stayed silent, waiting for Alan's answer. The question was directed to him. If they answered it would have been obvious.

"Well, I...." He started, but he felt the tears coming, and it was hard to breath. "I..." He couldn't find any word to say that. He didn't want the world to know.

"It's complicated, as we said," Tino came to save him. "Many things happened. And he needed a break."

"Is it about those many things that you made a hiatus?"

"Yeah, kind of." Tino nodded.

"Yeah, so..." The guy saw they all wanted to change the subject. "So, what's your favorite song of the new record, and why?"

They took some second to think.

"I would have to go with Feels Like Forever." Austin said. "It's just... It's great!"

"Yeah, me too." Phil smiled.

"Well, I really love playing Break Free. Or Bones Exposed, when the crowd is singing, it's fucking amazing." Tino smiled.

"I agree with Tino. Break Free." Alan said.

He knew the fans would see he was different. He hoped they wouldn't be mean about it.



They all flew back home on the 12th. The girls and Eli were there to greet them, and Eli kept throwing looks at Justin, while he was trying his best not to look at her.

He had asked her to go catch a movie together, and since the other day he had something, he had asked if she could the last day they were here, and she agreed. He only saw later that that day was in fact Valentine's day. And he was trying to understand what it meant for them.

Alan went directly to Carol's, and kept Katelynn in his arms for the whole day. Even to feed her, he wouldn't let go of her. When Austin came, in the afternoon, her couldn't help but smile and take a pic of him. He had Katelynn laying in his arms, holding the baby bottle to feed her, and on the top of that, he was shirtless.

"How's mommy Ashby?" Austin asked.

Alan laughed and shook his head. "Happy." He said, looking at his daughter. "Her hair have grown a bit. She's going to be as ginger as me." He spoke, pride in his voice.

Austin smiled and sat next to him. "She's taller." He noticed.

Alan needed. "She's growing so fast." He smiled, still looking at her. Austin observed him. He had admiration written all over his face, as he looked at his baby. Austin noticed that he had also regain some weight. He was still really thin, but less than he used to be. Concert were still hard for his body, but he couldn't change in one day. He needed time.

Austin stayed most of the day with the two. He took many pictures of Mommy Ashby as they loved calling him. He wished he could post them, but he's knew it was better that way. It would only make Alan freak out, if the whole world knew. Even if one day, fans would know. It was not for now.

Alan slept at his own home, taking Katelynn with him. It was the first night since they had gone on tour he didn't have any nightmare. He slept the whole night, without any dream. The only thing that had changed was the fact that his daughter was next to him, in her bed. He had found his own dream catcher. His baby girl. She was the one keeping him sane.

The next day, everyone was at his. The guys wanted to see the baby.

"Hey baby girl, your uncles are here." Tino cooed as he took her into his arms. She giggled, making the whole room smile.

"I've brought new clothes!" Amanda announced, holding a plastic bag. The guy laughed, while the girls unpacked the clothes.

She had brought a cute dress, with tights and small shoes.

Alan couldn't help but smile, when he saw her undressing the baby, to put on her clothes.

Once she was done, Amanda kissed her nose.

"We have something to announce." She smiled to them.

They looked at her and Aaron who had a huge smile on his face.

"We settled down for a date." Everyone smiled to her. "The 11th July. We have the place!" Aaron and her had huge grins on her face.

Everyone cheered.



The next day was Valentine's day. Everyone was with their girls. Austin was alone, and pretty bored, since no one wanted to hang out on that day. He didn't wanted to stay with Alan, he knew the ginger needed to be alone. He stayed in his house most of the day, unable to stop his thoughts from wandering to a certain girl. That girl who was so perfect in his mind. He didn't knew her well enough to tell if it was true or not, but she seemed to be the best. She probably was with her boyfriend, celebrating. He tried to stop thinking about her, but he simply couldn't. Even if he knew it was stupid. He couldn't be with her, she was Alan's sister, Austin didn't want to fuck up their friend ship, but damn, the girl was beautiful.

Around seven, he posted on twitter "Alone today. Long day.". He was pissed off because he couldn't get her out of his mind.

He decided then to go to the first bar, to find an easy girl, and stop thinking about Sandra. He had to get her out of his head.

Justin, the same day, was really stressed about the evening. What he had planned with Eli looked a lot like a date, and he wasn't sure it was a good idea. They weren't the same kind of person, and probably didn't wanted the same thing. But as stressed as he was, he still couldn't wait for the night to come. He knew he was going to have a good time, she was amazing.

Alan stayed in his bed, awake until late. He was staring at the ceiling.

He pulled his hand up, as if he could catch her, and his tattoo drew his attention.

He stared at the cat on the back of his right hand. Then he stared at his other hand. He could easily remember her tattoo, the squirrel in the back of her left hand.

He jolted on his side, taking his phone, and called the number he still had in it.

He waited some seconds, until the guy answered.

"Hello, Josh's here."

"Man, it's Alan. Are you working today?"



Half an hour later, he was standing in front of the tattoo shop, waiting for Josh to come. He wasn't working today, but since he understood that it was really really important for Alan, he agreed to come.

Alan hadn't bothered into dressing up. He wore flip-flops, sweatpants, and some sweater he found. He didn't even took time to put on a shirt.

Josh arrived, and opened the door.

"So, what do you want?" He asked, as he let Alan in.

"You remember when I came with Zoey, to get tattooed?"

Josh laughed. "Sure, you two were fun!"

"Could you... Could you tattoo me hers? On the other hand?"

Josh frowned. "You sure? I mean, it's her tattoo, wouldn't she find it... Weird?"

Alan stayed silent, staring at his hand. He had to tell him. He took a deep breath, and whispered.

"She's gone."

"What?!" His eyes went huge. "Really? But you two seemed...." He stopped himself, not wanting to hurt Alan even more.

"You don't understand. She's.... Gone. Like, up there." He told him, pointing at the sky.

Josh stared, his eyes wide.

"Oh my... I'm sorry." He hid his mouth behind his hand. "How...?"

Alan sat on the first chair he saw. He didn't have tears in his eyes. He didn't felt like crying today. No, indeed, he felt empty. He felt broken.

"She was pregnant... And her weak body didn't make it." He whispered.

"Oh shit, man." Was the only think Josh managed to say.

"Can you do it?" Alan asked again.

Josh nodded.



Four hours and a long discussion with Josh later, Alan was walking out of the tattoo parlor, looking at his hand. He couldn't help but smile at the awesome squirrel.

He walked to his car, and started it. He stopped as he saw a flower shop. He parked, and walked in.

"Hello! How can I help you?" A girl greeted him.

She was small, with long black hair. She had one of those smile which could make a whole room smile.

"I-I want a bouquet."

She smiled bigger, and nodded. "What flower do you want?"

"Daisies. Red ones." He said without any hesitation.

She nodded and waked to the other aide of the room, Alan behind her.

"And can you... Can you put them into one of those pot.... Like to put it on the floor..." He whispered.

She gave him an intrigued look, but nodded. She continued to walk all over the shop, Alan behind. He stopped as he saw the decoration for graves. Many signs, with 'To our mother', 'To our cousin' written on. He stared at one, which said 'To my wife.'

"Mister?" She asked.

He turned to her, and went next to her, to see the bouquet.

"Bigger, please." He whispered.

He felt like he had a hole in his chest.

She nodded, and did.

When he was satisfied, they walked to the desk, and he paid.

"The girl's going to be happy." She gently smiled to him. Her smile fell as she saw his face. His bottom lip was shaking, trying not to cry.

"Mister?" She whispered, worried.

He shook the tears off, and sniffed, before smiling weakly to her. "Sorry" He whispered.

With that, he paid and walked out.

He sat in front of the wheel of his car.

He needed to become stronger. He needed to be able to do simple things like that without breaking down.

He drove to the cemetery, wondering how people were able to handle such a thing.

He parked, and took the flowers to her. He put it down next to others.

He sat in front of the grave, observing it. He couldn't accept that this was what Zoey was now. All he could see from her was a stone with her name on it.

"I miss you." He whispered. "It's Valentine's day, today." He stroked the new tattoo on the back of his hand. "We met four years ago." he looked up at the sky. "It seems so long ago. So many things happened since." He observed the cloud in silence. "I wish you were here. I wish.. You could take me back in your arms. That's all I ask. Be with you."

But Katelynn. He had to be there for her. Even if his whole body was asking for lying next to Zoey.

"I love you, Zoo." He murmured, using her nickname. He wrapped his own arms around himself.

He felt like he had a whole life he didn't wanted. The only thing he wanted was to go with her. Anything else didn't matter.

He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He took it, and saw a text from Austin.

Austin: you okay?

He stared at it. Austin was probably worrying. He was probably thinking Alan would do something stupid.

Alan wanted them to stop worrying about him. He wasn't going to kill himself. Yeah, he had thought about it more than once, but he wouldn't do it, he knew he had to take care of Kaitlynn.

At least that was what he thought.

He wanted to show them he was doing good. Or maybe just not too bad.

He took a picture of the flowers, and only the flowers. He posted it with "Beautiful flowers, beatiful girl. :)" He added the smiley face right before posting it. He wanted them to know he was okay, and hoped the post would make them understand it.