Letters

He didn't want to come home, that day. He was sitting next to her grave for hours, but he didn't want to leave. Nothing seemed right to do.

Around eight, he started being hungry. He was starting to growl, when he realized he hadn't eaten in the whole day.

But he didn't want to leave. He wasn't in the mood to see everyone being happy about that day. He didn't want to see people celebrating Love.

He was mourning his own love. His own happiness.

He simply couldn't act as if he was happy. Yes, he was okay, he was (almost) handling his feelings. He simply had small break-downs when people asked too much questions, or made comment on all of that. He knew it meant that he wasn't truly handling his feelings, but he knew he was getting better.

The sun went slowly down, and he looked at it, letting his mind imagine what would happen of Zoey was still there.

They would be a happy family. He could so easily see them doing all those family things.

He wondered about the future. What would happen? It had him worried.

Once the place was getting dark, he stood up.

"See you, Zoo. I love you." And with a small smile, he turned around. As he walked out, he felt like his heart was being teared apart. He felt like he was abandoning her, like going further away from her.

He sat in his car, holding back the tears. He started the car and drove fast to Carol's.

He parked and jogged inside, to Katelynn's room. He took her in his arms, and hugged her close.

"I just managed to get her to sleep!" Carol sighed with a laughter as she walked in.

Alan didn't answered, holding his baby closer to his chest. She was still sleeping in his arms. He couldn't fight the smile that came on his lips, when he thought that maybe she was still asleep because she knew she didn't risk any harm.

He sat down, and kissed the top of her head.

Slowly, her eyes opened, and she tried to catch him, her hands up in the air.

"Yeah, Daddy's here." Her told her with a smile.

She answered with a 'a'-like sound. He giggled at her, and she laughed to. He rested her on his knees, on her back, to play with her.

"Put her on the floor, and on her stomach, it'll help her development." Carol smiled to him.

He nodded, and placed her on her stomach, and a blue blanket. He laid next to her, cooing, and laughing at her.

Carol left the room, leaving him more privacy.

Katelynn was laying with her head to her side, on her stomach.

"Baby?" He cooed to her.

She rose her head to him, unsure of her movement. He smiled and kissed her forehead. She looked at him, and shot him a huge toothless smile.

He stared at her, for a second. Then a huge smile formed on his lips. He took her off of the floor, and rolled on his back. He made her fly in the air, his hands on each side of her body, shaking from side to side slowly. He was at the same time making planes sounds, to keep her laughing.

She was shaking her feet in amusement. She was trying to keep her head up, but he quickly saw that it was a bit much for her small muscles. So he made her go down slowly, until he could kiss her forehead, her nose and then her cheek. She giggled, and put her small hands on his face. He smiled.

He rolled to his side, to let her rest on her back, between his arms, stroking her forehead. She kept playing, catching his fingers in her hand. She didn't want to sleep at all.

He smiled, and was willing to pull away, but she wouldn't let go of his hand.

"You gotta let daddy go." He told her, kissing her cheek.

She finally did, and he rolled on his stomach, supporting his weight with his arms, over her. He kissed her forehead. She had her feet up, as well as her hands. She put her hand on his lips, and he kissed it. She pulled away, surprised. But some second later, she put it back. Alan smiled wide and kissed her again. He then caught her two hands, and placed hundreds of Eskimo kisses all over her body.



That night, he slept on the floor of Katelynn's nursery. He refused to walk away, and sleep in another room. He feared nightmares. When he slept next to her, he didn't have nightmares.

The next day was way harder than he expected. Carol and Eli were taking care of Katelynn, and he truly understood how bad he was. He didn't know what to do. When she was crying, he couldn't instantly guess what was wrong. He had ideas, but most of the time he was wrong. He tried, but it always seemed useless. He did many small things he shouldn't have. Carol and Eli weren't mean, they just told him.

But it made him feel stupid, useless and bad. Really bad.

The two girls had instantly noticed the tattoo but none of them spoke about it. They recognized it.



Then he went for the show. The guys seemed worried about him.

"We saw your post, yesterday, are you feeling okay?" Tino worriedly asked.

Alan stared at him. He had had a pretty shitty day, and Tino was adding shitty elements.

"I'm good, for fuck shake!" He swore, and walked away. He went to Justin, who was putting instruments in order, and changing strings of guitars.

Justin threw him a look, before going back to work.

"Nice tattoo." He said.

"Yeah..." Alan whispered. "It's... It's hers, you remember?"

"Yes, I know. But why?"

Alan put his hands one against the other, thumb against thumb. "So now, the tattoo are together forever." He stared in silence, before finishing his sentence. "On my skin."

Justin gave him sad look, still working. "How's Katelynn?" He changed the subject, not knowing what to say.

"Great. She's growing so fast... I feel like I'm missing too much of her early life. I should be the one next to her day and night, not Eli or Carol. They're not the parents. But at the same time, I want to be here."

"I know this tour is a bit much, but I think the next is more calm, less dates. Maybe talk with the guys and the manager, you'll see if after this tour we can stay home a while, or something."

"Don't you think the fan will be bleak?"

"Maybe, but they don't know the reason, and honestly even if you all love them, the life of your baby girl is more important, Alan. If you don't tour for a while, they'll be sad, but they will wait longer, still listening to the music, until they can come to a show. Katelynn can't. Katelynn's growing, and she already loves her daddy. Even if she probably won't be mad at you -and I'm pretty sure she's to small to be mad at anything- if you don't be next to her every second. You can manage to do something in the middle."

Alan smiled at Justin. "It's weird to hear you talking that way."

Justin gave him a fake dark angry look. Alan laughed.

"Is it a big show tonight?" Alan asked.

"Pretty big."

"Oh" he said, disappointed.

"Why using a frustrated tone, Al?" He asked. He used to call him Al, a long time ago.

Alan couldn't help a small smile on his face as he heard it. "I dunno, I just...don't feel like playing in front of thousands of people."

"It's not a festival, you've done bigger."

"Yeah but still. What if I fuck up?"

"You won't. You know your songs, even if it's hard you can play them without breaking down."

But I hate crying on stage. He thought, unable to say it.



As they went back on tour, Alan's nightmares came back. Everyone by the bus knew it, he would wake them up almost every night. But no one blamed him, they knew he couldn't control it.

Sometimes, after he would go play on his acoustic in the back lounge, or he would call someone who could show him Katelynn's sleeping face, to calm down.

He never get back to sleep, those nightmares had him too afraid to face them.

No matter how much the other tried, his mood was going down, day after day. The next time he could fly home was a month and a half after Valentine's day. It was too long for him.

He knew Carol, Eli, the girls were taking care of her. He knew they loved her.

It took time, but he ended up understanding that they were able to handle it.

One night, the guys went partying with another band. They shared the date with them. But Alan stayed on the bus. He sat in the bathroom.

He looked at his newest tattoo. I love you. I wish I could just hug you once again. And kiss you. And everything.

He looked down. He knew he had to stay for Katelynn. But they were all taking care of her. What if he was gone, too? What would it change? It was would be the same as when he was on tour. Just for longer. Katelynn would still be loved. Everyone would take care of her, probably better than he was able to.

He had to face it: he didn't know what to do with her. He never had to take care of a baby that young. He just didn't know what to do.

He stared at his hand. Would it be better if he was gone? Yes. Yes it would. He would be with Zoey. Somebody else would take care of Katelynn. Somebody who was better than him.

Slowly, he stood up. He went to the kitchen, and took two bottle of vodka. He remembered when they brought it: they were the stronger they could find.

He took two bottle, and went back to the bathroom. He opened the tap, filling the bath with hot water.

While waiting for the bathtub to be full, he started drinking.

He thought about her. His Zoey. He would see her soon. He would be back in her arms. It would be like the first part of his dreams. Happy ever after.

A huge smile formed on his lips. He couldn't wait. He drank more.

He stripped down to nothing, and went inside the water.

He laid down, closing his eyes. He drank more and more.

He drank until the only think in his mind was Zoey. He drank until everything else disappeared.

Zoey. He was seeing her next to him. She was smiling.

He let the empty bottle rest next to him, as he opened the second. The liquid no longer burnt his throat. He couldn't think straight, the only thing his mind could think of was her. And he smiled. He would be with her soon.

"See you." He whispered.

And he let himself fell underwater, closing his eyes.



"You sure about leaving Alan?" Justin asked.

"Yeah, I mean, he probably wants to be alone." Austin said.

"I guess. I'm just worried he'll think, and be worse, you know?"

Austin nodded. "He's strong. Even if it takes time, he'll do it. He'll get better."

"I know. I cannot wait for the happy Alan to be back. I miss him." Justin drank a gulp of his beer.

"We all do." Austin had a small smile.

They went back to partying.

Until Austin's phone rang.

"Yeah?" He answered.

"Austin? It's Adam here. You need to come."

Austin frowned. "You sound weird. Where are you?"

"In the bus... Austin, you all need to come back, right now. It's Alan."