Letters

The guys ran back to the bus, terrified and wondering what happened. Adam sounded really terrified, and he hadn't explain anything.

They threw the door open, than rushed inside.

Adam was there, pale, and probably feeling sick. Alan was laying on the couch on the other side, wrapped in a blanket. He had his eyes closed and his hair were damp.

"What happened?" Austin asked, out of breath.

"I-I was coming to say hi, like I told you, bu-but he wasn't here, and I searched calling for him... And I then I opened the bathroom door... He was... He was... There was empty bottles of vodka next to him... He was... Underwater..." He was shocked. Terrified deep down by what he had seen.

Austin fell on the couch, as the other followed, and Justin went to him.

He shook his shoulder to wake him up.

Alan's eyes barely opened, before going closed again.

"I thought he was feeling better." Aaron said, his eyes down.

"We shouldn't have leave him." Austin stated.

Adam was staring in the air, deeply shocked.

"I'm gonna kill him in the morning." Justin said, his teeth clenched.

The other stared at him, wondering why he was so angry.

The truth be told, he was more hurt than angry. But he was angry at Alan. Alan couldn't just go away like that. He had to stay with them. What would they all become if that stupid idiotic kid was no longer next to them? Justin didn't even want to think about that. Alan was like a brother to him, and thinking about him being dead... No. He couldn't. He refused to let him go. And there was Katelynn, which was another reason Justin was angry. Alan couldn't abandon her. He was the only parent she had left. he couldn't let her. No one would ever love her as much as he did. No one would look at her the way Alan did. No one could make this job. Even if Eli and Carol were taking care of her, they didn't loved her as much as he did. And Justin was mad that Alan still hadn't realized that.

He also knew that if Zoey was watching them right now, she would be crying. She would never want Alan to come with her. She would want him to stay with their wonderful daughter, and raise her up. She would want him to live the best life he could.

That was the way she was.

And he hoped Alan would understand that.

They all needed him.

He shook him awake again.

"what 'o you wan'?" Alan asked, barely moving his lips.

"I want you to wake the fuck up." Justin almost shouted.

"My head... don' shoo'" He whispered. He turned his head to the side, and fell back asleep.

"SHIT" Justin yelled, as he let go of Alan. He shoot into the first thing he saw.

"There's no need to go mad, Justin. Why are you even mad?!" Tino said, his voice rising.

"Why I am mad? Are you asking why? Isn't it fucking obvious?! My brother just tried to kill himself. Why would I be fucking calm? He can't leave. His place is with us!"

"Who are you to say that?" Austin whispered. somehow, he understood how Alan was feeling way better than the other. He knew what it was to lose someone really important. "What if he was happier dead, than alive?" He said looking up at Justin.

Before anyone could react, Justin slapped the singer. The sound echoed into the whole bus, as everyone stared at Justin.

"How can you even say that? Do you think just one second that she would want him dead? No. Never." Justin was exploding. "No, I refuse to let him go. Hell, she needs him! Who will take care of her if he dies, hu?" He had tears in his eyes.

"Do you think you're the only one who don't want him to die?!" Phil asked, shocked.

Justin was about to answer, but Alan cut him.

"Shut up, my head's hurting."

With that, he stood up, and walked holding the walls to the bunks, still wrapped in the blanket, since he was naked underneath. He crawled into his bunk.

It had been a simple movement, but it had stopped everyone from moving.

"Sorry." Justin said, after a long silence.

Another long silence followed, after Austin's nod.

"Why... Why would he do this?" Adam whispered, still sitting on the couch, his eyes still wide open.

They all stayed silent, not knowing if they should tell him or not.

He looked up at them. "You aren't even surprised." He said, not even asking.

"It's.... It's complicated, Adam..." Austin tried to not explain the whole thing.

"Yeah, it is." Aaron sighed, resting his back on the couch.



Alan opened is eyes in the morning, but closed them quickly. His head was hurting like hell.

After some minutes, he decided to move. He noticed he was naked underneath a blanket that wasn't originally in his bunk. He frowned, looking around.

Why in hell was he naked? He didn't have sex the night before, so why? He shrugged, and took a boxer from the bottom of the bunk, before standing up.

He walked to the lounge, and everyone stopped talking to stare at him. He frowned, and walked to the kitchen to take some medicine.

He saw Adam Elmakias next to them, but he had a really weird expression on his face.

Alan looked around, and everyone was still starring. He started to feel really uncomfortable in the silent bus.

"Guys, what's going on?" He finally asked.

"Do you even remember last night?" Phil asked, slightly pissed off.

Alan frowned, and closed his eyes, trying to remember. He probably drank a huge quantity of alcohol, to be like that.

He remembered the guys going to a party. He remembered starting feeling depressed. And then, he remembered the bottles of Vodka. And the bath.

"Oh" He whispered, looking down at his feet.

"Alan, you can't... Continue that way." Aaron said with a comforting smile.

Alan stayed silent. No matter what happened, he couldn't regret what he did. Even now, if he could he would choose to be with her.

"Alan, you can't do that!" Justin said, his voice already strong. "You can't abandon us, and her. We need you. And, shit Al, she fucking needs you! What would she do without you?"

"There's other people out there who are taking care of her." Alan whispered.

"How can you say that?! She needs her dad!Alan, are you crazy? What would she do without you! You need to be there for her!" Justin was loosing his temper.

"And I fucking need Zoey!" Alan yelled, shutting down Justin instantly. "You don't know what to say, hu? You know what?" Alan was really pissed by now. It hurt to be yelled at simply because he was hurt. It wasn't even his fault. "I don't regret anything I did last night. I'll never be sorry for trying to kill myself. And you know why?" His voice was rising at each word. "Because I want the exact same as any-fucking-one! I want to grow old with someone, have kids, grand kids, I want a normal life. But I will never have that! Do you understand that? I will never be a normal person. For the rest of my fucking life I have to carry on with a fucking burden. You need me?! Oh please let me laugh! You would all survive if I was no longer here. Yeah you would be sad, and all, but you would survive because you have reasons to continue. You all have the rest of your lives to live amazing things. You maybe still haven't met the one now, but you'll do. And you'll build your life with them. I'm not the person you need to carry on with the future, but Zoey was mine. I lost my reason to continue. Do you understand?" He had been almost screaming, but now his voice was breaking and he was close to tears. It felt like he had a hole in his chest. "I-I'm nothing without her. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be the person I am. I wouldn't even be in Of Mice. My whole life would be completely different if she hadn't been there. It's like she was send to me. She was perfect. Everything was perfect, and then she was took back away from me, like it was nothing. I just...." Alan collapsed on the floor, in tears. "I can't go on without her!"

The guys hastened to him.

"I thought you were feeling better." Austin whispered to him.

"I am... It's just... I miss her..." Alan said through his tears.

"I know."

After some long minutes crying, Alan held back his tears, drying his cheeks.

"Sorry" He whispered, as he stood back up. "I'll go take a shower."



Later that day, Adam found the gut to go talk with Alan. The other had explained briefly the situation, but he wanted to talk with him. After all, he was a really good friend.

Alan was watching a movie in the back lounge. Adam opened the door, and smiled as he saw Beetlejuice on the screen.

"Can I?" Adam asked.

Alan nodded with a small smile. He had a Oreo box next to him. Adam sat in the couch. "Want some?" Alan handed him the box.

Adam took one, and stared one second, before eating it.

"The guys told me last night."

"I thought so."

They watched to movie in silence.

"So, you're a dad now." It wasn't a real question, but it still somehow was.

"Yeah. I have a daughter." He sighed. "That's so weird to say."

"Why?"

"Come on, look at me one second and tell me I'm adult enough to be a dad." He gave Adam a sarcastic look. "I'm just a kid."

"But you're a dad."

"But I'm a dad." Alan nodded.

The movie carried on.

"How is she?" Adam asked, after a while.

A smile formed on Alan's lips. "Amazing. She's..." He tried to think of a word that could describe her. "I have no word. She's just the best kid ever."

Adam couldn't help but smile at the obvious pride on Alan's face.

"How old is she?"

"Almost 5 months." He smiled wide.

"Wow." Adam said. He looked Alan. He looked so much more alive than he had in the morning. The photographer couldn't fight a smile. Alan seemed happy when he talked about his baby. "What does she look like?" Adam asked, wanting Alan to carry on.

"She's ... Wait!" He said, taking out his phone. Adam's smile faded as he saw that Alan's lock screen was a picture of Zoey. But his smile went back, his background was a picture of a sleeping baby.

Alan handed him his phone, showing a pic of a baby with a toothless smile.

"She's cute. And ginger, just like you."

"Yeah!" Alan said with a laughter. He stared longer at the picture. "And she has her mother's eyes." Adam stayed silent. "She would be so proud of Katelynn. Just like I am. It makes me sad to know that she would never met her own mommy. But it's done now, and we can't change it." He said more to convince himself than to convince Adam. "You should come, once. You would love her."

"Yeah, well, next time I can, I'll come!" He looked back at the screen, taking a deep breath, before asking. "Why do you hide her?"

Alan stayed silent for a moment. Trying to know how to put it into word.

"I'm not... I'm not ready for that. I mean, if I told everyone on the internet people would ask me hundreds of questions, and I'm not ready to answer to those. I don't want people knowing about... About the state I am in, you know?" He gave a sad at Adam. "I'm sorry for last night, by the way."

"You said this morning that you weren't." Adam frowned.

"I'm not, I'm sorry for... For kinda scaring you. In a weird way." Alan laughed, but by the sound of his laughter, you could tell he was about to cry.

Adam didn't say anything. What he saw when he walked inside of the bathroom would stay forever in his mind.

"I'm sure you can take awesome pics of her!" Alan smiled, changing the subject.

"I've never tried, but I would love to." He smiled back.



@adamelmakias: I just saw what it is to be truly broken, to be dead in a living body. I wish no one is living this. What I've seen will never be erased, and I promise to try my hardest to keep your head up, my friend.
And to all of those who are reading this, I wish you the best, and I wish you're feeling okay.

Alan read the caption, tears in his eyes. It was from Adam's Instagram, and the picture was a black and white version of Adam himself holding the sign "suicide doesn't ends chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminate the possibility of it ever getting better".

He hadn't thought he had shocked Adam that much. But thinking back about it, it must have been terrible. Just like Austin had seen. Alan looked down. The two small scars on his wrists were still showing. He had hurt so many people along the line. He didn't want to, but he did. He hoped he would stop in the future, even if he wasn't sure.