Letters

"Of mice and men used to be so good live, what happened to them?"

"I was so fucking disappointed with last night's show. They kept fucking up every song, it sounded like shit."

"I have to agree, as much as I love them, their latest performances aren't that good."

Austin had his head low, as he read comment on a picture of them live, that the official Instagram of the band had just posted. He was feeling sick. He only wanted to do his best for the shows. They were all doing their best. Well, no. Alan. Alan wasn't trying his best. Not at all. He seemed to barely care about the shows anymore. All he cared about was the alcohol he was going to drink at the end of the day.

They were truly worried about him. He was going down day after day. And he refused anyone's help. He was so weird with them. They tried their best to get him to stop, but he hadn't even let them try.

When he went back to Katelynn for the third time, he had been better, but it only lasted while he was home. The day he went back in tour, he went back to his weird self.

None of them understood. There was something else. But he was drinking all day long, he didn't have time to do something else. He was drunk most of the time. Not much, but still intoxicated.

"What's wrong?" Phil asked him.

Austin rose his head to look at him, before handing him his phone.

Phil frowned reading the comments. "Shit."

"Yeah" Austin agreed.

"We need to do something."

"We do." Austin nodded.

They stayed silent. What could they do? You can't help someone who doesn't want your help.

Aaron walked in, followed by Alan. The guitarist walked straight to the back lounge, not even looking at them. Aaron gave him a frustrated look, before turning to the two.

"Some fans are outside. Wanna come?"

They nodded, and stood up to walk outside.

Fans surrounded them, and they talked and laughed with them.

Austin was signing a shirt, when the girl asked him.

"We saw Alan going on the bus, is he gonna come?"

Austin looked at her with a sad look.

"I'm not sure he's gonna come." He told her.

Her face fell. "I'm sorry" he whispered.



Their manager was going crazy. They were fucking up their images, and they were becoming less and less popular. None of them would ever say that, but deep down they knew that Alan was going to destroy the band. But what could they do? Push him out of the band? It would make him worse. He was their best friend, they couldn't throw him away.

And finally, the tour was over, and they went back home.

Alan was alternating between staying home alone and being with Katelynn.

When he would came to see his daughter, Eli or Carol stayed most of the time in the room. He seemed way too much... Not himself, to let him alone with her.

He seemed angry at the whole world, and would snap at them. He seemed to have lost the sense of reality. He was all the time day dreaming. When people asked him to do something, he would do it a lot later than planned, or do something else, or just not do anything.

They were getting worrier day by day. They tried to get him to come to a party with them, but he refused. They tried to take the party to him, but he had refused again.

They knew it wasn't alcohol. They knew he was taking drugs. They couldn't find any other explanation. But they didn't know which one. They tried to notice details on his body and on they way he acted, but they hadn't found out yet.

Alan wasn't stupid, he knew they suspected him. So he was taking double care to be sure not to be caught. He was now taking so much more Ketamine than he used to. With time, it became more and more quantity each time, and more than once a day.

Now that he was home, it was so much easier. The guys weren't next to him. He could take as much as he wanted. He had started going to parties, parties where everyone was high on a shitload of different substance. Even if he had already tried many before, now he was trying... Harder. Most of the night he was having sex with a girl as high as him.

He barely thought about Zoey and Katelynn anymore. He only thought about them when he wasn't high, or in need of another dose. And that wasn't much.

He had been home for two weeks, now and was used to that rhythm of life. But in those two weeks, he never came to Zoey's grave. Never.

But he hadn't noticed that. The only thing he could process was ketamine.

He was now used to the amount of K he was taking on a daily basis. All he wanted was more. He barely talked to anyone. He was alone, and thought it was better that way. The others were only there to prevent him from taking more. They were obstacles. He needed to push them aside. He needed more.

And the week of tour came. Alan hadn't touch his guitar since the last show. When the guys had told him it was that soon, he had been frustrated. It meant he wouldn't be able to take his amount of ketamine.



It was only a week. But it was the longest week they had ever lived. They kept having arguments with Alan. He couldn't concentrate on anything. He was angry most of the time, and when he wasn't it was because he was drunk. He fucked up once or twice on stage, because he didn't play enough. It was like he didn't give a shit about anyone. Every time someone tried to tell him the truth, he would become mad, and an argument would start.

It was becoming obvious for the fans. When they would meet fans, outside of venues, he would never come with them. He hadn't seen a fan in the whole time.

And they went back home. And for the two weeks and a half they had at home, they never saw Alan. He was alone, doing his thing.

He was going deeper and deeper into addiction.

They hadn't been really mad, they pitied him, at first. But when Carol told them he hadn't came to see his daughter, they became mad.

Austin went straight to his apparent.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He screamed as he opened the door.

He walked to the empty living room.

"ALAN!" He yelled.

The door from the room opened. But a brunette walked to Austin. She was wearing a crop top and fancy underwear. And that was all. Her hair were everywhere.

She eyed him up and down, and then smirked.

He was staring at the girl, speechless. What was Alan thinking?!

"Hello" the girl said, in a failed attempt to be sexy. She was only slutty to him. And also weird. Something in her look was weird, and made him uncomfortable.

She walked closer, and put her hand on his chest. She then went on her tiptoes, to whisper.

"Want some candies?"

Austin frowned a second, before understanding what she was proposing him. He pushed her away instantly, and looked in her eyes.

He understood what he found weird: her pupils were almost completely dilated. She was high. And apparently horny.

He looked up to the door to Alan's room, as he heard noises.

Alan walked in, his eyes in the exact same state as the girl.

"Alan! What do you think you're fucking doing?! Fucking drugged girls? Shit Alan, you're a fucking Dad! There's a baby waiting for you!"

Alan rolled his eyes, and sat on the couch. The girl went next to him, and he wrapped his arm around her, resting his hand on her barely covered ass.

Austin stared, speechless.

"Come on, you take things too seriously. It's okay, I'll go see Katelynn later." He shrugged like it was no big deal.

Austin wanted to punch him, but felt way too disappointed to. He gave him a disgusted look, before walking out.



And at the end of the week, they went back on tour. Alan was even worse than he used to. He was pissing everyone off. They all knew he was on some drug, they only didn't know which one, and since how many time. They didn't know how serious it was. They thought it was mostly because Alan was destroyed because of Zoey's death. They couldn't know that he barely thought about her anymore. There was nothing but ketamine on his mind. It was an unconscious thing: he was hurting less if he thought about drug than about her.

The second day, they did a meet and greed.

They sat down at the table, and the fans came.

Alan was the first. He barely looked up at fans. He signed what they gave him, and not cared about the rest. He didn't even read the messages that were for him.

The four other, right after, were trying their best to cheer the fans up, and not let Alan bring them down. All they wanted was to punch him. He was horrible with fans. He did even acknowledged them. Like they were nothing.

After the last fan walked away, they turned to Alan.

He stood up and walked to the bus.

They followed him, and saw fans outside. But they couldn't stop this time. Some frowned seeing their expressions.

They ran in the bus.

"Alan! What the fuck was that?!" Austin yelled.

Alan didn't have time to go to the bathroom, to take his dose. Austin grabbed him by his shirt.

"You're not running away this time!"

"What do you want?" Alan answered, his voice almost yelling.

"What was that? You need to stop that fucking bullshit! Stop drugging yourself, and fucking get back to your old self!"

"Oh just leave me alone!" Alan shouted back.

"Not this time, Alan! You're fucking up every show, and you're an asshole to us and to the fans!"

Alan rolled his eyes. "Like it's all my fault! You are all just bastards to me! Every time something happens, it's always my fault!"

"Yeah it is! If you weren't taking so fucking much, you wouldn't be such an asshole!"

"Shut up, Austin! It's none of your fucking business."

"Yes it fucking is! I won't let you destroy yourself nor this band!"

"Like you care about me!" Alan yelled.

The other were staring at them, no one daring to speak.

"I do, Alan I fucking do, that's why I'm so wo-"

"No you don't!" Alan interrupted, stepping closer from Austin. "You don't care about me! You're full of pity, and guilt! That's all! You just feel guilty, but you don't care about me!"

Austin looked down to his feet. Alan was right, it was his fault.

"What would he be guilty for? He didn't do anything!" Aaron interrupted.

"Oh really? You didn't do anything. You did. It's your fucking fault! You fucking broke me! Don't you fucking remember what she asked you, huh?" Alan had his pointing finger against Austin's chest, while the singer tried not to cry. "She told you to fucking wait! To tell me once I was over with all of it! She told you to wait years before telling me! Don't you remember?"

"I-I know, but..." Austin whispered, feeling miserable. Since the day he told him, he regretted it.

"See? You don't care about me, you're here because you feel guilty."

"It's not t-true. I care, you're my best friend!" Austin looked up at him.

"No. You were hers."

And with that he walked away. The bus stayed silent. No one dared to talk.

Thought the open door, they heard Alan yelling to some fans. "Go the fuck away from me!"

Justin jogged out, trying to catch Alan.

Austin couldn't hold everything back. He fell on the couch, tears in his eyes. Some tears rolled down his cheeks. He put his head in his hands.

"It's not your fault, Austin." Tino said as he sat next to him.

Austin didn't answer. He knew it was his fault. He knew it, and there was nothing to say about that.



"Alan, wait!" Justin yelled to the ginger.

"What for? To tell me to change? To tell me that whatever I do is wrong? That's all you can tell me this days. It's always 'Alan stop do that', 'Alan stop this', I can't take it anymore." He was now facing Justin.

Justin signed. "I'm really sorry, okay? We're just worried."

"But I'm fucking okay! I'm... Getting better! I mean, it's been over a month since the bathroom accident, and I never once thought about doing it again. That's process!"

"But if you replace thought about killing yourself with drugs, it's not that good."

"I'm fucking alive! I agree, it's not the best way to go, but fuck, I'm happy. Or happier than I've been in months! Okay, it's not perfect, but I'm laughing and having fun! Do you know since how many time I've been feeling like shit, not being able to wear a real fucking smile on my face? Over a fucking year! Since she broke up. So yeah, maybe it have it's perks, but I'm feeling fucking good!"

"But Alan, you're all the time angry at us, I don't think that's being happy, and having fun."

"Because you always treat my like a fucking baby! I'm happy and having fun when you're not here."

Justin made a step back. "Oh really?"

"Yeah. You all try to stop me all the time! It's like you're happy if I'm crying!"

"You're not talking about 'happy times', Alan." Justin said in a dark voice.

"Oh and I'm talking about what?"

"High times."

"That's the same fucking thing!"

Justin stared a second. In Alan's mind, being high from drugs was the same as being happy.

"No that's not!"

"It is. When I'm high, I am fucking happy, and everything is fucking perfect!"

"And Katelynn?! You barely even seen her!"

"It has nothing to so with that!"

"It has everything to do with her!"

Allan rolled his eyes. All he wanted was to take his dose. He didn't cared for Justin. Not even for Katelynn at the moment.

"Just leave me alone. I'll be back later." Alan said, as he walked away.

Justin sighed, and let him go, knowing talking to him right now would be useless.