Letters

Before the next shows, the guys told Alan to be backstage an hour before the actual show. They wanted to play most of the songs, to be sure he would be prepared for the show.

They all met in the room. Alan wasn’t there. Phil sighed, as Tino clenched his jaw.

Tino rarely got angry, but his friend’s behavior was making him mad. He was fucking up all of their work. He was destroying what they did everything possible to create. And he was a fucking dad! He had to take care of Katelynn. She was his everything, and everybody knew it. He couldn’t continue without her. And for drugs, he was pushing her away? No, he couldn’t.

Fifteen minutes later, Alan walked in. His hair were all over the place, and he wasn’t dressed for the show. They sighed, and made him go change. But as he took the clothes Aaron was handing him, they noticed how unstable he was. Austin caught his arm, and made him turn around. In one look on his face, Austin knew it.

"You’re high." He only said, pissed.

Alan shrugged. "The concert’s in one hour, I’ll be clean by that time."

"But we were supposed to fucking work on songs!"

Alan rolled his eyes. "We already know our songs."

"Oh really? You fuck up so much that I don’t thing you do." Tino snapped.

Alan took a deep breath, feeling the anger growing inside of him. "Well, then throw me out."

"Honetly, I’m wondering if that wouldn’t be better." Tino said, pissed. He didn’t mean it. He was only pissed.

Alan had a humorless laughter. "Remember who wrote half of the last album?" He said.

The guys stared at him. It wasn’t Alan-like at all. He wasn’t a cocky asshole.

The rest of the hour, they stayed in the room. The first half, Alan slept, and on the last 15 minutes, they played. But quickly not really taking enough time.

And then they went on the stage.

Alan was still angry -and hurt- from what Tino said. He knew he was most of the time not in perfect rhythm with the others. He kept fucking up small parts. He knew it, but he hated every dark looks the guys were throwing at him. It was their fault. They were insulting him, and so he was more stressed. It was their fault.

His mind refused to accept that it was his own fault, or the fault of the Ketamine. He couldn't admit that. So it was their fault.

After the hundredth dark look from Phil for mistaking on a chord, Alan couldn't take it anymore.

The guys were throwing everything in the shows, focused on the music, when they all noticed the guitar had stopped. They all turned their head to Alan. He was walking away from the stage.

Justin caught his arm, but Alan shoved him away, and threw his guitar on the floor, probably breaking it. He didn't cared. All he wanted was his dose. He wanted to fuck them all. They were nothing. They only prevented him from becoming happier. From taking more. And now he had threw them away, he was going to take way more.

One the stage, the guys looked at each others, dumbfounded. No one knew what to do. Even the crowd seemed to not understand what the fuck was going on.

“I'll go find him!” Justin yelled to them. They nodded.

“Well...” Austin said in the microphone. “I guess it's just us, now.” He said, looking at his band mates, an eyebrow risen. Aaron shook his head, not understanding what the fuck was going on. “Let's... Let's finish this show!” He smiled to the crowd. He was really worried about Alan. But they couldn't just ran away from the show. Fans had paid for being there, and it probably was really important for many. They couldn't.

For the rest of the show, They guys kept looking to his side of the stage, waiting for Justin to come back with the guitarist. But Nothing. As the shows went by, they were getting even more worried. They all felt like something was really really wrong. Justin should be back. He should be there with Alan.

After the encore, they all went backstage, and found it empty. Even more worried, they went outside, to the parking lot, to the bus. But as Austin opened the door, they all froze.

An ambulance. Why was an ambulance doing there?

They ran to it, and found Justin, his face pale, and his hands shaking talking with a nurse. She had her hand on his shoulder, trying to help him calm down.

They ran to him. He looked at them, his eyes terrified. The ambulance drove away, after the nurse gave him an address.

“What happened?” Tino whispered.

“We... We need to drive to the hospital.” Justin whispered.

They ran again to the bus, then woke the driver up, and told him to drive the faster he could to the hospital.

They were sitting on the couches of the bus, when Justin spoke up.

“I was searching for him, and I... I ran to the bus, but he wasn't there... I searched for him everywhere... I-I only found him some minutes before the end of the show... He... He was.... He-He took too much...” Justin couldn't continue. He could still see Alan laying down against the wall. He had white powder on his face. His eyes were closed. He had been throwing up.

But he was still breathing.

He had called the 911, and the ambulance had came.



They sat on the waiting area for what felt like forever. After half an hour, a guy from the venue called, probably wondering where the fuck they were, but none of them answered. They didn't have the strength to speak. They wanted Alan to be okay.

“We need to call at Carol's.” Aaron whispered.

“And his family.” Justin added.

They stayed silent. None of the dared to talk. It was their fault. They had pushed him to be that bad.

After such a long time, a nurse walked to them.

“Alan Ashby?” She asked.

They all instantly stood up. “How is he?”

“Alive.” She smiled. “He's sleeping for now, and he need a lot of rest, so you won't be able to go see him before tomorrow. But he'll make it out alive.”

Out of relief, Austin took the nurse in his arms. She jumped, and laughed. He pulled away. “He's alive.” He whispered.

The girl nodded with a smile.

“We'll have other things to talk about, but it can wait until tomorrow. It's late, you should go rest. You'll see him in the morning.”

They all nodded, and went back to the bus.

“He's okay.” Phil said. They all smiled to him. “He's fucking okay!!” He laughed.

“I'll call Carol” Justin announced. He took his phone and walked outside.

“And I call his parents.” Aaron said as he stood up to go too.

The other sat on the bus, happy Alan was okay.

“I shouldn't have yelled to him.” Tino stated.

“It's not your fault. I also yelled at him yesterday. I guess it's all of us. And Ketamine.” Austin told him.

Tino looked down. He was feeling so guilty.

The guys called their girls, telling them, leaving Austin alone in the lounge.

Ten minutes later, Justin walked back in. “Eli, Carol and Katelynn are on their way. They should be here tomorrow.” Austin nodded. “Go call Sandra. She need to know too.” Justin smiled.

Austin blushed. “Why would I call her?”

“Just call, Austin. Just call.” Justin smiled.

Austin rolled his eyes, and stood up.

He called, and put the phone to his hear, as he walked to his bunk.She didn't answered, so he called again.

“Why are you calling in the middle of the night” He heard her sleepy voice.

“Hey, Sandra, It's Austin.”

“Well, it's cool but I want to sleep.”

“It's about Alan.”

There was a silence.

“What happened?”

Austin took a deep breath. “He... He's in the hospital...”

“WHAT?”

“Calm down, he's gonna be okay. He'll be awake by tomorrow, and he's gonna be okay.”

“What.... ?”

“He... He overdosed...”

“Where are you?”



None of them really slept, so they walked into the hospital at 8 am. The nurse told them the visits started at 8:30, so they waited there, before almost running to Alan's room.

When they opened the door, Alan was still sleeping.

He seemed so weak. His skin was so pale.

He opened his eyes as they all walked in.

“Hey.” Aaron said, sitting next to him.

Alan nodded to him, not sure his voice was really working. He felt so tired. Like every move was asking him to used a big amount of energy.

"How are you feeling?" Justin asked.

Alan cleared his throat, and whispered. "Tired." He frowned at his own voice. It was weak, and hoarse.

There was a silence. Nobody knew what to say.

"I'm sorry, Alan." Tino finally said. "I shouldn't have gone mad yesterday. I was just... You know, pretty angry, but... I shouldn't have done that."

"It's okay" Alan whispered.

He didn't know what to do. Some part of him still wanted more, while the rest was yelling how he needed to stop. He could have died. But wasn't dying what he wanted? Yes he wanted it. But Katelynn... She needed him. He couldn't abandon her. She only was a small baby who needed her daddy.

A nurse walked in, and gave him a nice smile.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired and weak" he repeated.

She nodded. "Don't worry you'll soon feel better" she said, while looking at the machines around him.

Once she had took notes, she turned to him.

"We have to talk about what's next, Mr."

He frowned. "About what?"

"Rehab." She gave him a sorry smile. "We think it would be a lot better if you went there, but we don't know how many time, or where."

He looked down. Going to rehab? He wasn't thrilled.

"You should go, it would help a lot." Austin told him, before turning back to the nurse. "It can be wherever we want right?" She nodded, and he turned back to Alan. "Then you should go somewhere near home, and so it would be easier to see you and all."

Alan didn't answered. It seemed already decided that he was going to stop. But would he survive? Without anything to hold on to, would he be able to make it?

"How many time will he stay here?" Aaron asked.

"Two or three days." They nodded and she walked away.

Ten minutes later, they heard the cries of a baby. Alan was about to complain, when they heard a knock on the door. And he knew the cries were Katelynn's. Austin opened the door, to let Eli followed by Carol holding a crying Katelynn.

"Sorry, she won't calm down." Carol apologized.

Alan sat up, helped by Aaron.and opened his arms for Carol to give him Katelynn. She smiled and gave him. She was crying on the top of her lungs as Alan pulled her closer. He slowly stroked her back, and rocked her from side to side. Her head went in the crook of his neck, and he couldn't fight the smile that formed on his lips. In some short seconds she calmed down, hugging him. He pulled away enough to look at her. He slowly stroked her cheek. She put her small thumb into her mouth, sucking on it. Alan kissed her forehead.

"It seems so simple to calm her, when he does that." Carol sighed.

"That's Mommy Ashby's super power." Tino winked at Alan, who gave him a dark look.

Alan looked back at his baby. She was now sleeping comfortably in his arms. He could have been dead by now. And this time, without really wanting it. What would she become if something happened to him? She would be alone. He hugged her tighter.

He looked up at his friends. None of them seemed to have sleep the night before. The guys were smiling, but seemed really worried about him. Justin had his arm around Ali's shoulders. Eli was staring at him, trying to know if he was okay. Carol had the same kind of look. They all cared about him, and were all worried. He looked down at Katelynn. Slowly, he took his necklace out of his shirt, and looked at the ring. He had never took it off. It was always around his neck, under his shirt. He examined it. What Zoey would want me to do? He asked himself. She probably wants me to be the best dad I can.

He realized something. She wants me to be happy. But not to come to her. She would be disappointed if I came to her right now. She would be convinced it was her fault. She would blame herself. That wasn't what she wanted. She wanted him to have a happy life, and then come to her. He looked back at his sleeping baby. That's probably what Katelynn wants too. she wants me there. I'm her dad.

He felt tears in his eyes. He had to stay. To stay and to make everyone happy. It would probably be hard, but he had to do it. For Katelynn. For Zoey.

He hugged the baby closer, and exploded in tears. The guys went closer, not knowing what was happening. Carol wrapped her arms around him, and let him cry against her shoulder.

He didn't even knew why he was crying. He was going to stay alive, to take care of his baby. Why would that make him cry? Because it meant not seeing Zoey for a really long time.

But after, we'll be forever together. We'll have eternity to catch up.