Letters

The morning after, someone knocked at the door. I rolled my eyes, and stood up. I went to the door, just in my boxer. I opened the door.
Phil, Aaron and Tino were there. Austin was a little behind them. He had his head law. They stared one second at my bruised jaw, then the big bruise on my side.
"What you want?" I ask, coldly.
"Alan, you can't go... you're a part of this band!" Aaron said.
I snorted. I didn't want to be with that bastard of Austin.
"I know you probably hate me, Alan, but" Austin started, looking down. "I'm sorry, I never wanted this to go this far..."
"Don't give me that shit, Aus. You want me to believe that you thought I would act like it was nothing when you fucked her?" I felt tears coming to my eyes. "How could you do this to me? You were my best friend, for fuck shake!" My voice was shaking. "You knew how I felt toward her..." this time my voice completely broke. "She was the love of my life, Aus. I know it. And you screwed that. And she went with a third guy. I can't believe it. I want so much to believe neither of you lied to me. You were the two most important people for me. But you stabbed me in the back!" Some tears escaped from my eyes.
"I... it's not what it looks like... me and her, we never..." Austin looked up, a little bit. He felt guilty it was obvious. After all he did, I was glad he was.
"Oh really? Then explain me your reaction."
He stayed silent, his eyes back on his feet.
"Don't lie to me Austin. You two fucked. It's okay, it was in the past. I don't want to hurt you anymore. But don't even ask me to be your friend. You put a cross on our friendship the day you first fucked her. I'm no longer in the band. I don't want to see you again."
With that, I closed the door. Tino knocked on it.
"Come on Alan, you don't want to do this! You love of mice! We can work this out!" He said through the door.
I locked the door, and walked away. I didn't wanted to see them ever again.

For the following two weeks, the guys cancelled some dates, and most of the people were angry. Even their manager, who was calling me all the time. The guys were calling, and texting me saying that they needed that I came back to go on tour. It didn't matter how many time I told them I stopped.
I took a deep breath, as I opened my computer. I knew what I had to do. I had to assume that I was quitting of mice. I went to twitter.
@OM&M: Hey everyone, Alan's here. I'm sorry for the cancelled shows. It is kind of my fault. I'm quitting if mice and men. It is my last tweet by this account. Thanks to all of those who supported us. They're following the journey without me. Goodbye. Alan.

From Aaron: What the fuck man? What was that?! How can you come back now??

To Aaron: that's what you don't understand. I don't want to come back.

The following two weeks were so strange. It was weird to stay at home, alone, without the guys. But I needed it.
Being with the guys took back too much memories.
She had came with us on tour, she was the friend of the whole band.
Most of my friends had send me messages, trying to know why I was out of OM&M. All I said was that it wasn't what I wanted anymore. I lied. I couldn't tell them that if I wanted to make a new start with my life, to be able to move on, I had to put a cross on what remained me her too much. In fact, I wanted to tour, to be with my friends, to party... but there was Austin. And I didn't want to see him again. I hated him. I hated her. But what could I do? It was the past. And things were now done, and over. I seemed to be the only one stuck in the past. Not once she called me. I assumed, maybe, she would call, to try to take me back... but no. She didn't even tried. That was so strange. She was so into us before. How could it be a lie? But how could it not be, since she betrayed me that much?

I stayed alone in my house, staring at the ceiling. My mom came once or twice a week, to clean a bit the house, and feed me. It’s a two hours drive, from LA to my home town, so she couldn't come everyday.
I saw on twitter that the guys had found another guitarist, to tour with. It was a friend. I knew him. Shawn Wilkerson. He wasn't their best friend, but they did as they could. They needed someone who had same level from me, and who could go on tour with them, right now. I knew it wouldn't last really long. When they would found someone better, they would change.
I went on tumblr to see what the fans were thinking.
I smiled seeing that many of them where wondering where I was, and why I wasn't in OM&M. Most of then didn't like Shawn as they liked me. It made me smile. I was scrolling and stopped. A picture. A picture of she and I. We were hugging, and smiling. And she was lying. I couldn't believe it. She had lied to me for so long.

Two weeks after they started touring, they posted a video. A video from tour. Showing them having fun with the new guitarist. I knew it was to make him more liked by fans. But I couldn't help feeling jealous. I knew it was stupid, I had quit. But when I saw him being at my place, in the band... It kinda hurt.
We were now in mid October, and I was sitting next to the window, looking at the leaves that were falling down.
I heard someone opening the door. Then foot step. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, I turned to look at my mom.
“How are you?“ She asked.
I just shrugged.
"Did you eat what I left for you?"
I shook my head, I didn’t trusted my voice, since I haven’t spoken to anyone since the last time she came, four days before.
"You need to eat, you’re really thin."
I shrugged once more.
"Did you loose weight, again?"
For the first time after the break up, I had almost stopped eating, and I had loose weight. But now it seemed that I wasn’t loosing more, through I wasn’t sure, I didn’t face a mirror in some time.
"You need to shave." I rolled my eyes. "Speak, Alan, please." She said, worried.
"I’m okay mom" I whispered.
"Are you sure?"
"I am."
She pulled her arms around me. I rest my head against her shoulder.
"I had just planned everything with her. I had build myself with her. She was what was keeping me up. And now I’m down."
She stroked my back, like she did when I was a kid. I sniffed. "You know her… She was always so gentle, so caring, so… Why? Did she hate so much that she wanted to hurt me that bad? Did I did something wrong? I would have done everything…" I said, as the tears were coming. "Everything for her. But no. I can’t do anything about it."
She rocked me, without a word.
During the second week of November, someone knocked at the door. I didn’t know what day we were, but I’m almost sure it was mid November.
At first I didn’t move, people who came see me where used to came in by themselves by now. But that person only knocked a second time.
Then a third.
But I still didn’t move. I didn’t really cared.
At the sixth time, it started being annoying, so I stood up, and walked there.
I opened the door, and frowned. It was Austin. He was scratching the back of his neck. "Can I talk to you?"
"No."
I closed the door, but he blocked the door with his foot.
"Please, Alan!"
"No."
"It's about her, I have to talk to you about something."
I stopped. "Austin, I don't want to know how much you fucked her, or how many time you did."
"I never did."
His voice was calm, assured.
"Oh yeah right. Don't fucking lie to me."
"I'm not lying to you."
"Oh yeah, right!"
I started to get angry.
"I know you don't believe me, but that's why I'm here. I have something for you. Just let me in"
I rolled my eyes, and let him in. I walked to the living room, and sat on the couch waiting for his talk.
"In sorry for everything that happened, okay? I never wanted this to be that bad. I just made a few mistakes. I wasn't worth what was asked to me. I'm sorry Alan. I know I should wait a long time, but I just can't. So please, go to your room and read this."
He opened his bag, and took out a book with plastic pocket instead of pages*. He handed it to me. I was a little bit confused.
"What the fuck?"
"Please, read it all. You'll understand. I stay here and you read."
I rolled my eyes and nodded. I took the book, and walked to my room.
If Austin really wanted u to be friend again, after all I could read that stuff. Even if I wanted to hate him, I still missed him and the guys.
I sat on my bed and opened it. I recognized the hand writing immediately. Zoey's. My jaw clenched. I was about to run yell at Austin, when my eyes fell on the first words.
Alan,
It is Zoey, here. I hope you still remember me, but I don’t think you’ll forget about us. We were together for over three years. I know I've broke everything we had, but I hope you’ll understand.
I should tell you right now, but if I do, you won’t understand. I need to explain you everything. Do you remember this book, I wanted to write once in my life? Well, here it is. But sadly, I know it won’t put a smile on your face. I’m sorry.
I wonder how many time passed. I told Austin to wait to give you this. I want you to be better, to have moved on, I don’t want to tell you this, and give you that weight on your shoulder, if you’re not ready. I truly hope you’ll understand.
I really wish I could grow old with you. To see your gorgeous face everyday. To fight and make up with mind blowing sex. To discover the world with you… But It won’t be possible. I’m so sorry. If only I could find a way… You know, I have thought about all of this for a long time, before having the strength to do what I did. I promise you, you’ll understand once you would have read.
I hope you don’t hate me. Austin said you don’t, he told me you were good, even if it wasn't perfect. But I know he’s lying to make me feel better. But I hope it’s not so bad.
Please, even if you hate me, read it all. It is… My last present for you. Please read it. All that's follow is kind of all the things I've ever wanted to tell you. This is everything. This is us.

Thank you, Alan, for everything you've done.

I love you, Zoey.

I stayed there for a second. My heart was running. It felt like she was talking to me. I read it in my head with her voice. I turned the page, and read the next.