Letters

An hour later, the door was thrown open, and Sandra ran inside. She threw herself on Alan and on her niece, hugging the two in a engulfing hug.

"Never do that again." She only said.

Alan didn’t answer, not really knowing what to say.

Austin couldn’t help but remark that she came alone. Her boyfriend didn’t come.

"And hello beautiful." She said with a smile as she kissed the baby’s forehead, before turning to the dad. "What were you thinking?!"

Alan shrugged, not knowing what to say.

She turned to the rest of the room. "Can you leave us, please."

They all left, but Alan kept Katelynn into his arms. "Tell me Alan. What were you thinking? You could have died."

He shrugged. "It doesn’t matter, Sandra. I’m here."

"But Alan, You need to understand that you can’t… You can’t go, Alan. We need you here."

Alan stayed silent for a while. Then, he finally said, looking at his baby. "Maybe, be none of you need me as much as I need Zoey, do you understand? I’m not essential into your lives. And it’s okay, I mean, you all aren’t essential to mine, it’s just normal. But Zoey was. And it’s just… So hard, you know?" He felt tears burning his eyes. Sandra wrapped her arms around her brother hugging him tightly. His eyes fell shut. "I miss her so much, like I can’t continue without her."

"But Alan…" She whispered, but he started.

"I’ll stay, but still, all I want is being with her."

She stroked his back. "But you’re needed here." she said, pulling back to look at his face. The look in his eyes broke her heart. "Your baby girl needs you. There is no one on that planet who will love her as much as you do. No one will be able to raise her like you will."

"I know… but still…" His voice was only a whisper, it was broken.

She hugged him against herself, closing her eyes. She couldn’t truly understand how bad he was hurting, but from what she could see in his eyes, she wished to never live this. She whished that to no one. And she wondered why life was so hard on Alan. Why throwing this on his small shoulders? He was her little brother, and she would always want to protect him.

He used to be such a good person. He was that person, that no matter how bad you feel, always manage to make you smile. She remembered, back in high school, all the time he had comforted her, after any boy-problem. He always did it while complaining about how shitty his life was for watching chick flick with his sister, but he always did it. He would always try his best to help her, while trying his best to not let it show.

It was rare to see him being sad about anything. That was one of the reason she hated his ex, she was always putting him down, and while he was with her, he almost stopped being there for Sandra. That was the time she went on the other side of the country, and they never became as close as they used to be.

But at that moment, in that stupid hospital, he was the one who needed her. More than she had ever needed him. And she would be there. She would be the one holding his hand all along, and finally making him smile again.



"The fans are not happy." Austin sighed.

They were waiting outside while Sandra and Alan talked.

"You thought they would be?" Tino said, with a sad smile.

"No, but… They’re really disappointed. Between the shitty shows we did, and all those who are canceled…" He sighed. He didn’t know what to do.

"did you told them why?" Phil asked. Austin shook his head.

"Maybe Alan can agreed to tell them. I mean, we still don’t exactly know how many time it will last." Aaron stated.

Everyone agreed, but none of them wanted to be the one to talk to Alan.



"Alan?" Austin unsurely asked. Alan nodded to him in answer. "I told everyone for the canceled shows, and... Our manager is pretty angry, I mean, he's just pissed because we canceled again some shows, and... The fans, the fans are the same..."

Alan sighed, and laid on his back. Katelyn was fast asleep on his chest, chewing on her thumb. He stroked her hair, it was a move that smoothed him. It helped him to calm down, and think, just to pet his little one.

He knew the best thing to do was to tell the fans what was going on. But he was terrified to do so. He wouldn't be able to take what people would say. Would they be nice? Would they think he was too young? Would they believe he had made a mistake? He didn't think Katelynn was one. Yes, he would have obviously loved if Zoey had survived. Or if she had came later, because he surely wasn't adult enough to be a dad. But no, she wasn't a mistake.. She was there now, and even with everything, he still truly believed she was the best baby ever. It was like everything she touched was becoming rainbow and happiness. He just had to look on his friend's faces as they held her to see their smile, their happiness. He knew she was the only think that linked Jim to reality. If she hadn't been there, he would be dead. No one would have be able to stop him. But she was there. And he couldn't abandon her. She had already lost her mom.

But the fans deserved to know why so many shows had been canceled.

But what to say? That he was in the hospital because he overdosed with Ketamine? All of that because he had lost the love of his life?

And Katelynn? Should he tell everyone about her? He wanted to protect her from people.

Also he knew if he told them about Katelynn he would have to tell them about Zoey. And that, he surely wasn't ready.

So he decided to only talk about the hospital. It probably was the best.

"Can you take Katelynn, and then take a pic?" He said handing his phone to Austin. Austin nodded, and Tino grabbed the baby, while cooing "come with uncle Tino."

Alan sat up on the bed, helped by Justin, and then waved at the camera.

Austin handed him back his phone.

@AlanAshby: Hey everyone, I know you are all pretty disappointed in us for the canceled shows, but as you can see I'm in the hospital right now, so I can't play at all. I am also truly sorry for the last shows, they weren't our bests,and that's all my fault. I fell into the addiction to a certain drug, and I became basically an asshole. That pretty much fucked up a lot of things. That's also the reason why I'm here. I did an overdose. So, I will go to rehab, when I go out of the hospital. That's why there is so much show canceled. I'm truly sorry, and we'll be back as soon as I can.

Alan re read it twice, before uploading it on Instagram, linking it everywhere else.

He laid back down, unsure if he just had made a huge mistake.

He looked as Tino played with Katelynn, a big smile on both of their faces.

His daughter.

His creation.

It was crazy to think this way. He and Zoey had created a life. A whole human being. And even of she had let her life go, they still had created a third one.

She was the living proof of their love. Even if zoey was gone, somehow, she was living through Katelynn.

He opened his arms for Tino to gave her, and Tino agreed with a frown. He wanted to stay with her. Alan knew it, but he wanted to have her in his arms.

He grabbed her and hugged her. He kissed her forehead hard. She looked at him. Her green eyes made his heart run. They were exactly like Zoey's. He saw her face smiling at him. He pictured her smiling to them and kissing their forehead. Something she would have done if she was still there.

His eyes were watering, and he handed her back to Tino, who gave him a sorry smile before playing with her.

Alan dried his eyes, and tried not to see the sad looks of his friends.



His parents couldn't manage to came as angry as it made them. His dad was working and couldn't have a day off so quickly. He still promised to pass a lot of time later.

After his post, many people called him wondering if he was okay, and to wish him the best. Most of his friends from bands did, as well as people like Adam, who called, and then texted him, worried. And even Zoey's mom called him. She told him she was really worried, and wanted to know how he was. And that made him happier than anyone else's call.

After two nights into the hospital, he went out, to drive back on the bus to LA, to go to rehab.

Before he walked out, the guys gave him new clothes, and he changed in the bathroom, staring at himself in the mirror. He looked older. His eyes were dead, not full of life as they used to be. Only dead.

The guys lead him to the bus, and followed him inside.

The first thought to cross his mind was the remaining of white powder. None of the guys knew where it was, so he knew no one had destroyed it.

He clenched his teeth to fight the need. Justin saw his face.

"What's going on?"

Don't tell them! If you do they're gonna take it away fro you. But at the same time, he needed to stop.

"Nothing" he shrugged. He couldn't tell them, even if he knew he had to.

"Alan." Austin breathed. "You need to throw away what's left."

Alan swung from side to side, playing with his hand. The voice refused, and told him to deny the accusation.

But he refused. He refused to let the drug win.



The drive back lasted forever. They were all sitting or laying here and there, in silence.

There were still many friends calling Alan, and he was starting to be pissed by that. He was happy people thought about him, but he wanted time to breath.

And most of them didn't even know about Katelynn. That was why he stayed longer with Adam, talking about everything. Adam knew and understood.



While he was in the hospital, Sandra and his parents stayed at his apartment. They took Katelynn to see him almost everyday.

It helped a lot, because Alan was going crazy in there. He really wanted his dose of drug no matter what the doctors said. But he refused to let it win. He was going to live his life, and the drug wasn't going to make his choices. He had Katelynn and needed to be the wonderful dad she deserved.

He was playing with her every time he could. She was sitting straight now, and kept making noises, as if she was talking. She was also laughing a lot. Alan didn't think it was possible for a baby to be that cute.

Even when she cried because her growing teeth were hurting he still found her cute. Well, he wasn't living with her 24 hours a day, so it didn't bothered him too much.

All the moments they shared, when she was sitting on his lap and he was playing around with her made everything worth it. He could understand everything Zoey had sacrificed for her. She was worth it. He knew he would have done the same. And he knew he would do, if anything happened to her.

She was also used to him. She was looking at him differently from anyone else. She was always more calm, and cried less when he was there.

She knew he was her dad.

He had that power to calm her down better than anyone else. Most of the time he didn't know what to do when she cried, but he tried his god damn best.



The two weeks felt like forever for him. All he wanted was going home.

And the nightmares came back. The first nights, he didn't have them. But soon, they came back. The nurses ran into his room the first nights, as he woke up with a scream. They were worried, and always came back and tried to help him fell back asleep.

At first they didn't know about Zoey, he didn't want to talk about that. But after the first two nights when he made them, they started asking questions. And the night after, he couldn't hold it inside.

He was woken up by one of the terrible nightmares. She had died again, in his arms. She had smiled to him, while he cried. She had smiled and stroked his cheek. And her eyes had fell closed.

Alan was crying, and shaking when he woke up.

Two nurses ran inside.

"Are you okay?" One asked.

Alan wiped the tears off his cheeks with the back of his hand, and sniffed.

"Yeah... Yeah..." He whispered.

The other was one who ad seen the others nights of nightmares. She was really nice with him. She walked closer.

"Do you want to... Talk about it?" She asked with a sweet voice.

"There's... There's nothing to say." He whispered, as he looked down at his hands. He put his two hands next to each other, looking at the two tattoos. "She's gone."

"She?..." The nurse asked.

Alan didn't heard. He was focused.

"You see the squirrel? I've made it for her. She had it on her hand. She was so beautiful."

He broke down into tears, and the girl instantly wrapped her are around him.

"Sshhh,it's gonna be okay..." She whispered trying to help.

"No, it won't be okay." He said. "She's gone and Katelynn would never have a mom." He cried.

She stared, shocked, at the other nurse.

"Life's unfair." She told him.

He had a humorless laughter. Yes, life was unfair.



After crying and talking a bit, he finally fell back asleep. The next nights were the same. He would wake up in the middle of the night, and then he talked with a nurse,or walked through the hospital with one. And then he went back to bed. Some nights he managed to fell back asleep, and some nights not. The days were long, since he could see his daughter only some hours a day. It felt like it lasted forever, before he was finally out.

And he finally went home. His parents and Sandra were living here, so he asked them to stay somewhere else, because he wanted to live alone. He was playing guitar all night long, and he kept waking them up so it wasn't the best. His neighbors were sometimes asking him to stop the nose but he didn't cared.

He took Katelynn at his home all the time, and he kept her some nights.