Letters

Once Alan was better, they did some shows again, and they were becoming as good as they used to. Performing was still hard for Alan, because of his weak body, but he did it without complaining. Every second he could be with Katelynn, he was with her. She was living at his apartment now. He was taking care of her 24 hours a day. He was playing guitar most of the night, to be better on stage. He also wrote new songs. Some were shitty, and he would forget about them, some could be Of Mice And Men's songs in the future. But one.... One of the song was for Zoey. In fact, all of them were for her and Katelynn. But this one was special. It was like he was talking with her.

On the day he was playing with the baby, seeing her growing fast. So fast that he was scared. It felt like tomorrow she would be running here and there. At the same time, he couldn't wait for that to happen.

He was going to Zoey's grave around once a week. Sometimes more. Each time, he was buying flowers. He had get used to the flower shop,by the street. It was just close to the cemetery. It was the one he went to on valentine's day. The girl from the shop was really nice.

He took a deep breath, and walked into the shop.

"Hello!" She greeted him. He smiled to her. "What is it today?" She asked.

"I'll go for those." He pointed at some dark red big flowers.

"Those are Carnations. They mean deep love."

He nodded. "Perfect."

She looked at the tattooed ginger in front of her. She had grown used to this guy. He was coming every week or so to buy flowers. She was curious about him. He didn't seemed happy like a guy who loves his girl so much that he can't stop buying flowers. It wasn't at all that guy's case. But she never asked. It wasn't her business. But she believed the girl was a lucky one. She was receiving a lot of flowers, and not the cheaper ones.

He walked out, flowers in hand, and drove to the cemetery.

He went to Zoey's grave and looked at it. He smiled, and whispered 'hello love' to the wind.

He put the flowers down, and took the old withered ones off of the floor, to throw them.

"Hello, Alan." The old lady from the next stone smiled. He smiled back. "Nice flowers."

"'Have been told they're symbol of love." He told her.

"They fit well here, then."

He nodded to her, before sitting next to the stone. He didn't cared it wasn't the normal way to be in a cemetery. Usually, you would stand in the alley in front of the grave. But Alan hated being there. He was sitting with his back against the cold stone. He was sitting on the grave. It made him feel less alone, to rest his head on the stone.

He closed his eyes. Sometimes, he spoke to her. He described her Katelynn, or whatever he had done. Sometimes he would only stay there in silence. There was nothing to say.

He thought about the song he had written. He wanted her to hear it. If he sang it there, would she hear it?



Three weeks later, it was Aaron and Amanda's wedding.

Amanda was going crazy with the latest preparations. She went to Alan's around ten in the morning, and knocked.

He opened, wondering what she was doing there.

He made her sit in the living room, where Katelynn was playing with toys.

"Alan, do you plan on leaving Katelynn at your parents for my wedding?"

Alan nodded. It was already planned.

"Why?"

He breathed in. "Because I don't want people to know, I want to protect her." He said for the hundredth time.

"But Alan, you won't hide her there for her whole life!"

"She's not even one, it's not her whole life," he rolled his eyes.

"It's like you're ashamed of her." He froze, staring at her. He felt the anger growing, but she cut it before he exploded. "I know you're not. I know you love her. But imagine, in ten years, when she will look at pics from my wedding, she will see you didn't take her, you don't think that it is what she will think? You don't have to deprive her from being with us, just not to tell people." He stayed silent. "It's my wedding, Alan. Well, mine and Aaron's. And we two want Katelynn there. We want the people who matter with us." She told him.

He looked down. "But I scared," he whispered. Amanda sat down next to him.

"I know you are, we all know. But it's gonna be okay. You have a lot of people to help you. You're not alone." She pulled her arm around his shoulder, and he laid his head on her.

"She'll come with me." He said.

She made a scream of pure happiness, and jumped on her feet to catch Katelynn. She twirled with the baby in her arms, yelling "you're at my wedding! You're at my wedding!" Over and over again.

Alan laughed seeing her. Then she sat back down, pulling Katelynn on the ground. The baby looked at her like 'why the fuck did you stop?' and then, she rose her arms in a 'take me in your arms' kind of move.

Alan laughed and took her on his lap. She pouted and he saw that she was going to start crying so he kissed her forehead and told her "you're not gonna cry for this" and then he played with his fingers on her face and her tummy making her giggle.

He turned to Amanda who had a huge smile and her phone in her hand. She was taking pictures.

"Will you stop taking pics of me and her?" He said, rolling his eyes. In fact he kinda liked it: it made hundreds of pictures of her.

"You two are so cute it's not possible!" She laughed.

He shook his head to her.

Then he turned his head to Katelynn, feeling something weird on his pinkie, to see that she had the end of his finger in her mouth. She was nibbling on it with her two teeth. He stared at her.

"I'm not a baby bottle, Katelynn."

She looked up at him. Then she made some kind of 'a' noise, and put her small hand on his face.

"Yeah, papa." He told her.

"Aahaaaa" she answered.

He smiled wide, and kissed her forehead. He held her closer, before remembering that Amanda was still there, and turning to her.

She had a huge smile on her face, happy. She looked into his eyes, and spoke.

"Zoey would be so proud of you." He stared at her. She smiled wider. "You are an awesome dad." She told him, before kissing his forehead.

He was stunned. He didn't know how to react.

"Really?" He whispered.

"Yeah." With that she stood up, and walked to the door



The next week, Amanda, Jenna and Anouk walked into his apartment without even knocking. The tree girls smiled wide as the saw him.

He rose his eyebrow at them, Katelynn sitting on his knees. He was shirtless, and wearing sweat pants. His hair were everywhere, but he didn't cared. he hadn't dressed her, she was still in her pyjama. He didn't see the matter into clothing her. She was still a baby, what would she use shoes for? He didn't even planned to go out.

He frowned as he noticed the bags the girls were caring. And he saw their smirk, and he frowned even more.

"So..." Jenna started.

"Baby first, daddy second?" Anouk asked the two other, who nodded.

"What are you talking about?"

"You know about my wedding?" Amanda smirked.

"Obviously."

"And... I want you all to have nice clothes."

"Obviously..." Alan said unsure.

"We brought Katelynn's outfit." Jenna stated.

Alan rose an eyebrow.

"She's so damn cute and we wanted her to be even more cute!" Amanda whined. "Oh, and she's in the sane color you're all supposed to be dressed in..." She let her voice trailed off. He rose a questioning look at her. "And since we were sure you wouldn't care about it, and we wanted you two to mach, we brought yours." She looked down.

He stared. "You what?" He was trying not to laugh.

"Come, try them. You surely have a black skinny and a white shirt?" He nodded. "Then, go change in them!"

He laughed as he stood up.

"No holes in the pants! No hole anywhere on my wedding day!"

He knew how much Amanda was going crazy, and how much she wanted everything to be perfect, so he wasn't coming to complain. It even spare some shopping time. He only hoped they hadn't brought something really weird.

He changed into what she said, before walking back to the girls.

"So?" He asked. The three girls were occupied changing Katelynn into the dress they had brought. It was white with black dots, and a big red ball of material on the waist.

He found her really cute, dressed like that.

The girls then turned to him, as Anouk opened another bag to take out a waistcoat. It was black, and slightly thinner on the side than a normal one. She handed it to him, and he pulled it on. Then, she grabbed a thin black tie, and handed it to him. He looked at it in a 'do you really believe I know how to do this shit?!' Kind of look. She laughed, and tied it around his neck.

When she was done, she looked at him. He smiled to her. Anouk was glad to see him back on track. He was back to his old self. Almost. He still had that small light deep into his eyes, that was still off. He still had a heartbreaking look on his face, when he was away from Katelynn. But he was way better than before, and they were all glad to see it.

"Damn, it looks fine on you!" Jenna cheered.

He laughed, and went to the bathroom to see.It really looked nice on him. It made him happy. He looked at himself, unable not to see how skinnier he had become. The skinny used to fit perfectly, and now it was too big. The same thing went for the shirt. He was now eating more, but it still wasn't much. He would be exercising soon, he had only waited for his body to be better. And the whole K thing had agraved it. He sighed and walked back to the lounge.

"So?" Amanda asked, seeing a frown on his face.

He erased it with a smile. "It's really nice, thanks!"

They all smiled. "And so you and K look sooo nice!" Jenna cheered.

But her smile died soon as she saw the look on Alan's face. He was looking at her, and she was happy looks couldn't kill. "W-what?" She whispered.

"What did you just say?" He said through his clenched teeth.

"T-that you and Katelynn look nice together."

"No, not that. How did you call her?"

"K... It's just a short for Katelynn..."

He stepped closer. "Don't ever call her K." He stated, his eyes almost hateful.

She nodded, not understanding.

Alan walked away, into his room. He kicked the door close, and let himself fell sit on the bed. He had lost his temper way too easily. He needed to learn to stay calm. He knew Jenna didn't mean any harm. It was just him.

K was the short for Ketamine, not for Katelynn. He refused to let anyone call her that way.

Ketamine.

He looked at his hands.

He missed it. Even if he tried his best not to, he still did. He still wanted to feel like he was floating, to disappear from reality. But he knew it was wrong.

He took off the clothes, and went back to his baseball short, and a shirt. He took a deep breath before walking back to the living room.

The three girls were playing with Katelynn. As he walked in, they turned their head to him.

"Sorry." He stared at his feet. He wasn't feeling comfortable at all.

"It's okay." Jenna smiled, and walked to him, before hugging him. "I'm sorry too."

She stroked his back. He rested his head on her shoulder.

He had come to hate hugs. Because every time, it made him want to cry. He thought back to Zoey's hugs. They were the best ever. He was feeling so good into her arms...

He felt the tears into his eyes, so he pulled away.