Letters

Warped tour.

The year before, Alan had wasn't in the band. And honestly, he had missed it. As every year, it was amazing. But for the first time, the secret he had was feeling heavy on his shoulders. He had to pay attention, and not to say something he shouldn't. Since most of his friends didn't know about Katelynn. Outside of the band, only Adam knew.

He had never realized before that one day he wouldn't have the choice, and talk about her. But he was scared. Could he announce to anyone that he had a daughter without saying a word about the mother? He didn't think so. And he refused to tell everyone about Zoey. She was his, and his only. The memories were the only thing left. If everyone had them, what would be the difference between him and everyone else? He wanted to keep her safe into his heart. He didn't want anyone to see what happened, and judge it. It was between them, and no one else. Even his bests friends didn't know everything. They had never asked to read the book, and he was glad they haven't. He wouldn't agree, and he would probably get angry. He knew himself.

The nights were still harsh. He managed to get some hour to sleep. He always managed to go to bed when he couldn't stand up anymore, and as late as he could manage. So the rest of the band would have to wake him up for sound check, and he wouldn't get more than a few hour of sleep. If he did this, it was because that way he had a heavy sleep, and didn't have any dreams. It was hard, but better than the nightmares. And since he was awake most of the time, he had a lot of time to write songs.

He was writing about the drugs, about Katelynn, and mostly about Zoey. He was also working on rhythms. He had some really angry sounding songs, as well as slow and loving songs. It changed on his moods.

He was okay with everyone on the tour, but everyone found him weird. The guys told them not to worry about it.

They were now sitting in the bus, guys from Pierce the veil with them. Alan wasn't talking much. He missed Katelynn a lot, that day. He wanted to held her in his arms, and feel less alone. He felt so different from anyone else. None of the guys were worried about a kid back home.

He was the youngest of the band, but felt like the oldest.

"You're okay, Alan?" Mike asked, next to him.

"Yeah, yeah" Alan nodded. He looked at his friend. Would he understand if Alan told him? Probably. Then why did it seemed so hard to do? Why couldn't he just say it? He sighed.

His phone vibrated. He took it, wondering if it was Eli because Katelynn wasn't okay. He internally rolled his eyes at himself. There could be a lot of other people texting him.

He looked at the screen, and stared at the name. Sheryl. She had been nice with him since she came to his, but never enough to send him texts.

A smile came to his lips, as he opened the text.

I'm with Katelynn right now, and I was wondering how you're feeling. She misses you as much as you her, I'm sure.

He smiled wide.

"Who got you smiling like that?" Aaron couldn't stop himself from asking.

Alan answered without looking up. "Sheryl."

Next to him, Mike smirked. "Alan's got a girl!" It had been a long time since Alan had a girl, for real. They heard him and Zoey had broken up, but it was a year and a half before.

Alan kept staring at his phone, refusing to look up. None of the guys dared to talk. They were waiting for his answer. The Pierce guys were wondering from where the tension in the room came from.

"I... No." He whispered.

"No girl?" Mike rose an eyebrow.

Alan's heart was running. What should he say? He in fact didn't have a girl. His was far away. But was he single? No, no he definitely wasn't single.

"It's complicated." He whispered.

"What you mean?" Vic asked.

Alan closed his eyes. Won't they shut their fucking mouths?! "I'm not single." Was all he said, already pissed.

They shut up after that. Alan refused to leave, he knew if he did they would ask his friends. And he refused them to know. Katelynn and Zoey were his. He wanted to keep them into his heart. And never let them go.

The discussion went on, but Alan barely talked. He was focused on his girls. He missed them. He wished Katelynn could be there. He imagined how it would be, if she was in tour, too. She was young, but when she would be a little older... It was so fun and amazing in his head. He couldn't wait. But then, he would have to tell the truth to people. So yeah, not too soon.



"Yeah, I'll call you tomorrow!" He said to Eli, as she hung up. She was keeping him updated on Katelynn, and showing her to him through the camera of her phone. He had also asked her to put flowers from time to time on the grave. She agreed without any question, and always did it.

"Daaaaddy" he heard a high pitched voice call.

He turned to the voice, to see a small girl. She wasn't over four years old. He walked closer, and saw she was crying.

"What's wrong?" He asked. She reminded him Katelynn. But she was blonde. And had dark eyes, unlike Katelynn's green ones. He went down to be at the same eye level as her.

"I lost daddy." She cried.

Alan wrapped his arm around her. "We'll find daddy okay?" He told her with a soft voice. She nodded, and sheltered in his arms. He smiled.

"What's your daddy's name?" He stood up, holding her against him.

She pulled away to look at him, confused. "Daddy is daddy." She told him, and he laughed.

"I guess yes." He started walking to where she was coming from. "What's your name?"

"Copeland." She said, sucking on her thumb. "I want daddy." She whispered.

Alan's eyes went wide: the girl was Kellin Quinn's daughter.

"We'll go find him." He told her as her stroked her hair, and started walking to the Sleeping With Sirens bus. It wasn't far away, but he could see Kellin running everywhere.

"Kellin!!" Alan shouted from afar.

Kellin didn't even turned his head.

"I got her!" Alan yelled when he was closer.

Kellin turned around and ran to him, catching Copeland who squealed in happiness. Alan couldn't help laughing.

"Don't ever do that again to daddy, okay?"

"Promise daddy, I was so scared" she said, hiding her head in his neck. He stroked er hair, whispering "I'm here now" into her ear.

Alan smiled. Would I act that way with Katelynn?

"Thank you so much, Alan! I was terrified!"

"It's okay, don't worry." Alan smiled.

"Copeland, say thank you to Alan." He sweetly told his daughter.

"Thank you, Alan." She whispered, barely looking at him.

"It's okay, chipmunk!" He smiled to her.



Alan was laying down on the top of the bus. He was looking at the sky. He couldn't see any star because of the streets lamps. The sun would start to rise in a short time. The guys had gone to bed not long ago. He planned to go in some hours. He was really tired, but he feared the nightmares.

He was thinking about his life. Past and future. He tried to convince himself not to think back to yesterday, but he couldn't. He couldn't forget her. How could he?

"Are you looking at me?" He asked the sky.

There was no answer, only the small warm breeze of the summer. He felt the tears in his eyes, and let them fall. He felt alone in the whole world. The place was silent, and he knew, deep down into himself that she was there.

Most of the time he wished she was there. He wished she was listening when he was talking to her, in the cemetery, or anywhere else.

But at that right moment, he knew she was there. He knew it.

"I know you are, Zoo." He rose his hand up, as if he could touch her. Only the air answered.

"You have no idea how hard it is." He was only whispering. But he knew she could hear. He was talking slowly, taking deep breath between each sentences. "Did you ever realize that the last words I've told you are "Go the fuck away from me"? I'm sure you did. I wish they were "I love you", or something like that. Because that sentence is so wrong. All I wish is for you to be there next to me." He looked at his tattoo in silence for a moment. "Honestly, there's no word that could have tell what I'm feeling. Nothing will ever describe that feeling, Zoo." He looked at the side, watching the sky becoming brighter. "How I'm gonna do without you for the rest of my life?" He whispered. "I... can't do it." He closed his eyes.

And slowly, he started to sing. He was a shitty singer in his opinion, and laying down or crying wasn't helping. But he knew she never cared. It was the song he had wrote for her. No one had ever listened to it. And it was maybe better that way.

He sang slowly, whispering the lyrics to the sky. He was crying before reaching the chorus, but it didn't stop him.

As the song ended, he repeated the last words, staring at the sky in a dead silence. "Open your eyes". He laid there for what felt like forever.

"Did you liked it?" He finally asked. He waited for an answer, knowing she would never answer.