Letters

Everything was black. Nothing moved around him. He was floating into nothing. Emptiness. He felt numb.

Where was he?

"Alan!" That voice! Hers! It was right behind him.

Why wasn't he moving?? He tried to turn around. Just fucking look at her!

"Alan, stay still." She calmly told him. "If you fight, I'm gonna disappear." He felt her hand on his arm. He wanted so much to grab her hand.

Why was it so dark? He couldn't see anything. He tried to look around, but his muscles didn't move.

"Alan, I.... I just love you so much..." She whispered.

I love you too. So much. More than you can even picture.

He felt something on his cheek. Her lips. A long shiver ran on his skin, and his whole body. It felt so long since he had felt her next to him.

She chuckled. "I guess you love me too." She stroked his cheek with her fingers.

He tried to grab her, with everything he had, but he couldn't move.

"Alan, just listen, and stop fighting, please. Just for a second, it's important."

He obeyed, not wanting her to go.

"You know... I'm not a secret." She paused, probably to think her words. "I mean, you don't have to keep me secret. I'm never gonna go, Alan. I'll always be right next to you. You just can't see me." She stroked his forehead. "I'm not just memories, Alan. Even if everyone knew the whole story, I will always be yours. I will always love you" she said, chuckling at her own joke. "What I mean is just... I don't know how to even say it!" She laughed, but he knew that she wasn't truly laughing. "I miss you a lot, Al, but you know, we'll have forever together. So please, try to have the best time here."

He felt her lips on his own. All his mind was trying to do was grab her, and kiss her back. He stopped every move, to concentrate, and in one time, he used all his strength to wrap his arms around her.

And he did.

Or at least, his muscles moved. And he found himself sitting on the top of the bus, in the midday light. He looked everywhere around him, to find her. But nothing. She wasn't there.

Tears rolled down his eyes. She wasn't there.

Slowly, he slid down into the bus.

"Going to bed?" Aaron asked, behind him.

Alan only shrugged, not wanting Aaron to notice his tears. He would ask so many questions, and Alan refused to answer. The only question his mind was if it was true. Was she truly there? Or was it a dream? Was he only dreaming of her? He couldn't decide.

He walked into the bathroom. He looked at himself. He seemed so tired. He had huge bags under his eyes. His skin was pale, and his hair had had better days. But he was slowly becoming better. He had gain some weight, and tried to work out from time to time, to help his body getting more healthy. The next step was probably sleep. But that was still hard. Every time he slept more than a very few hours, he would get dreams. And that night hadn't missed.

But was it an image created by his brain, or was it truly her?

He thought back to the night before, when he had sang to her. He was still sure she was there. She had listened to him. He knew it. Was it some kind of answer? If it was, he would surely sing again. But somehow, he knew it wasn't. If she could do that when she wanted, she would have done it before. Only if it was her. If it was his brain, then...



He hadn't stop thinking about it for the whole day. If it was true or not.

He had examined every sentence, trying to know if it would be something she could have say, or not. Everything seemed true, but at the same time, he knew her better than anyone, so for sure his brain could have make her say what sounded like her. So it wasn't helping.

He walked back into the bus, after the show - that had been really good.

"Alan!" Austin called, from the lounge.

"Yeah?" He answered.

"You OK? I mean, you've been thoughtful all day." Austin had worries all over his face.

Alan sighed. "I'm okay, it's just..." He let himself fall on the couch, as the other came silently in. "I was on the roof, last night, and I... I fell asleep there." He said, not talking about the song. "And I... Dreamed." He whispered. He saw the worry on his friend's faces growing ten times worst. "No, no nightmare." He reassured them. "It was... Different... And it's stuck in my head." He had a humorless laughter. "She was there. I was numb, I couldn't see anything, I couldn't move, but she was next to me, and she talked to me and..." He felt the tears coming, but he dried them quickly. "And I can't decide if my mind made it up for me, or if..." He couldn't finish out loud.

"Or if she was there." Phil finished.

Alan nodded, looking down.

They stayed silent, waiting for Alan to decide if he was okay to tell them what she actually said.

"She said I didn't have to hide her, that she would forever be with me. She told me I had to live the best life I could, so we could be together forever... After." He told them. He wanted their minds. Could it really be her?

They thought about those words. Knowing Zoey better than the others, and having share her last moments, Austin knew better than anyone else if it could have been her. He didn't thought it was her. She probably would have told him to forget about her, and to find himself a better girl. She would have tried to cheer him up that way.

He looked at his friend. Was it really a good idea to tell him it wasn't her? If he believed she had told him that, he would probably follow it, and be better. Wouldn't it knock him down to think it was just what his mind was making up? And what if Zoey had said exactly what he needed to hear to help him, no matter if it wasn't exactly what she thought? It could still be her.

And for Alan's shake, Austin was gonna decide it was her.



Alan was laying in his bed, staring at his phone. Staring at a simple contact. Wondering if he should call or send a text, or stood up and go talk with the person. The person being Kellin Quinn. Why him? Because he had a daughter. Because he had already lived what Alan was going through.

He took a deep breath, and opened a new text. He stared at the empty space for five good minutes, before typing, to delete it, to re type something else. After the fifth time, he was happy with it, and send it.

Alan:
Hey! It's Alan Ashby, I wanted to talk about some things with you, so please tell me when you are free. Thanks.

He waited for an answer, before telling himself that he was stupid, Kellin wasn't going to answer two second after. So instead, he called Eli, to have news from home.



They settled a meeting by three the next day. It was two hours before Of Mice And men sound check, and three before Sleeping With Sirens' one.

Alan was nervously waking to Kellin's bus. He knocked, and Kellin answered him, a frown on his face. He was wondering why Alan needed to talk to him, out of everyone. They were friend, yes, but not that close.

They went into the back lounge, where they crashed on the couches, one in front of the other.

"So?" Kellin asked.

"So..." Alan rested his arms on his knees, his back leaning forward. "How... Was it hard to tell everyone about Copeland?" He managed to say, while playing nervously with his hands. He knew he would have to tell Kellin after that. But he would do it.

Kellin rose an eyebrow. He wasn't expecting that.

"Erh..." He thought about an actual answer. "No?" He didn't really know the answer, he had never really asked himself that. "Janet and I didn't really thought about it. We just waited a while, to be 100% sure, but then we just posted an ultrasounds picture, and that was it." He shrugged.

Alan sighed. Not the answer he wanted.

"And... How did the fans reacted?"

Kellin frowned. "Good obviously. How could they react in a different way?"

Alan stayed silent, he had no idea what the fans could say, all he knew was that they were quick to judge.

"Alan..." Kellin breathed, to make Alan look up at him. Once the guitarist did, he continued. "Why are you asking this? Do you....?"

"It's... Complicated." Alan whispered, looking away.

"Why?" The singer frowned.

Alan stayed silent. He refused to say it out loud again.

"You know, if you have... Something like this to tell the fans, you should do. I mean, you plan on hiding it for the rest of your life? It would be hard, I'm sure. Or maybe just not explain... It. Just post a pic here and there."

"But people would ask questions..." Alan whispered.

"It's your right not to answer."

"But..." Alan didn't finished.

"But?"

"It's not like you..." Alan was looking at his feet. "For me... There's no mother." He said, so low that Kellin wasn't sure of what he heard.

"Oh..."

Alan saw sadness on Kellin's face, as well as pity and a bit of curiosity.

"Care to... Explain?" Kellin asked.

Alan kept his mouth shut for some times, before talking. "Do you remember Zoey, my girlfriend?" He whispered. Kellin nodded. "She..." He took a deep breath, and said quickly: "She died giving birth."

Kellin's hand flew to his mouth. "I'm sorry man." He could imagine how hard it was for Alan. If he lost his girl, he would be completely lost.

Alan shrugged. "Katelynn's almost six months old. I just don't know how to tell everyone..."

"Take a pic with her, and tell everyone. Just say what your okay with them to know. I'm sure they're gonna be awesome. Don't worry."

Alan looked at the floor, silent. He was thinking about a good way to tell them.

"You want me to help?" Alan rose his head at Kellin's words, stars in his eyes. Kellin chuckled.

"You have a good pic?"

Alan nodded, taking one Eli had send him some days before. It was Katelynn, in her bed, with a cat on her clothes. He showed Kellin, who smiled. "She's cute."

"She is." Alan whispered, looking at the pic.

"Well... Just say whatever you want." He wasn't helping much, but he had pretty much no idea how to help.

"How... How do I start?"