Letters

October first.

Alan's stomach was forming knots. Why? Because October first was in two days.

First, there was the last show of September, then the drive home, and then, the day.

Alan was trying to convince himself it was a day like any other, and that it wouldn't change anything. What would it change if she was gone ten months ago, or a year ago? But it was different.

On the other hand, it was also Katelynn's birthday. And that was a day he wanted to celebrate. Her very first birthday. He couldn't wait. It mesmerized him how quickly it had passed. It was already a year. Or well, eleven months for him since he learned thee whole thing a month after Katelynn's birth.

He had planned a small party for her, at his apartment. He still didn't have a present, through. He didn't know if he should buy one: he was the one who would open the present, and Katelynn was too young to care. Instead he wanted to spend time with her. A lot of time. She deserved it, after all he wasn't much with her. But the fans understood why there wasn't as many shows as it used to be.

They were now asking for who was the mother, while thinking that the daughter was awesome. It was what he wanted. Even if some were still saying he was too young, they were slowly stopping, since they saw in every pic how much she meant to him.

The guys were posting more than he was, by far. He felt weird about posting pic of his personal live. When he was with Zoey, it wasn't the same, he knew she agreed, and it was between adults. But now he felt like he shared things so precious, so intimate, every time he posted a pic of her, that he wasn't posting much. It didn't mattered that the guys were, it wasn't the same. It was moment when he wasn't alone with her, obviously, so it wasn't as personal.

As usual, when the pane landed he took the cab straight to Carol's. He didn't even bother into knocking, but walked into the living room instead.

"Alan!" Carol cheered. He smiled and spotted Katelynn, on all four, running.

He laughed, and went on his knees next to her. At the moment she saw him, she ran to him, crawled to his lap, as he helped her. He took her in his arms, hugging her close. She his her small face on his neck, and he shivered feeling her breath against his soft skin. He smiled, and kissed her cheek.

"We're trying to show her to walk,and she's close!" Sandra smiled from the couch.

Alan smiled grew wider. He pulled away, and wrapped his hands around her torso, to held her and be sure she wouldn't fall, and put heron her feet. She giggled and pulled her feet up, not to touch the ground.

"Come on, baby girl, show me." Alan squealed.

After three unfruitful attempt, she finally tried to walk. He was still holding her so it was easy but still. She did it.

After three steps, Alan twirled with her up in the air, as she laughed and kicked with her small legs.

"We try again, and I hold just your hands." He told her, doing as he had seen so many people do. He was standing right behind her, holding her two hands up in the air. He made a small step, to help her. Since she wasn't moving, he pushed one of her arm forward. She finally put her small foot forward, and Alan cheered, doing the same on the other side.

After some steps, she let herself fell on her butt. He laughed and picked her up.

He hugged her again, before putting her down next to her cubes. He sat with her, and played with her.

She was building towers, but hers were so unstable that they would fall after the fourth block.

He sat her between his legs, and helped her. With his help they managed to reach the sixth block, and she looked so happy. He was about to put the seventh, when she kicked the tower, making it fall. She laughed hard, proud of her idea.

"You're breaking my tower?!" He asked her, acting shocked. She only laughed. "You meanie little girl!" And he tickled her. She laughed while she squirmed. He laughed, stopped, and kissed her forehead.

"I love you." He whispered in her hair.



"Alan, which one?" Sandra asked, looking through decorations for Katelynn's birthday's celebration.

They were actually at the mall,preparing the party. Sandra had came with her brother to help him, but in fact she was doing everything. Why? Because he had had the great idea of bringing Katelynn with him. And so, for the whole time there, he had only paid attention to her. Not caring one second about Sandra. She was slightly pissed off, but every time she turned around to apostrophe him she would only smile at how cute he was with the baby.

She turned once again to him, as he still hadn't answered, to find him making stupid faces at her, making her laugh. Sandra sighed, and choose she preferred, before walking to the shopping cart, where Katelynn rested, in the baby sit. Alan was still holding her waist, at least with one hand, since the thing had probably been thought for older kids. And mostly because Alan was worried about everything that involved Katelynn.

"Done with those." She told him.

He rose his head. "Oh... Sorry, thanks." He gave her an apologizing look, before turning back to his baby.

"Come, I wanna buy new clothes to Kat." She said.

Alan pushed the cart down the aisle. He had his forearms resting in the iron bar, to direct the cart and was walking, his back arched forward, his head swinging back and forth between Kat right in front of him, and before them, to know where to go.

He suddenly felt something pulling at his neck. He frowned, and looked down. He froze as he saw that his necklace, Zoey's ring, had fell out if his shirt, and that Katelynn had grabbed it. She was looking at it from side to side, and then she was about to put it in her mouth, but Alan took it out of her reach before.

"No Kat, not this." He gently fold her, closing his fist around the ring. She poured, and started crying, so he gave her a toy he had brought with him.

Slowly, he opened his fist. The ring sat there, looking exactly like always. He missed her, always. A year. A whole year since she was gone. It was way too long to him. Even now, he still wished he was with her. But he knew they would be together, he just had to wait for his life to end. And until that day he was going to take good care of his baby. He would do anything to give her the life she deserved.

He put the necklace back into his shirt, and continued walking. He saw on the corner of his sight that Sandra was looking at him with a frown, but he did as if she wasn't. He didn't needed pity.

They went to the clothes for kids, and Sandra was searching for perfect birthday clothes for Katelynn. Alan had found the shoes part of the shop, and was in awe. He found those so small shoes really cute. Completely useless, but cute.

Ten minutes later, when Sandra came back with a cute dress, she stopped to stare at her brother.

He had baby shoes on each of his finger, and was moving his hands like a monster in front of Katelynn. He was making funny noises, and was talking about a huge monster of shoes.

Sandra smiled. She took out her phone, and took a picture. She thought about how he was after everything happened. He was dead, lifeless. He couldn't move, and he only wanted to die. And then he realized his love for his baby, and she lighted his whole body. She was the only reason he was still there. She was his everything, but not in a romantic way. He simply had lost what mattered the most, but still had her.

She posted the picture. "'Come with me' they said. 'You will keep an eye on Kat' they said.". She smiled, proud of herself.

"I'm done." She smiled.

He blushed a bit,and put down all of the shoes.

"Take her, I'll push the cart."

He smiled, and took the baby into his arms, as she played with his shirt.

They walked to the cash register, and Katelynn rested her body against his shoulder, her thumb into her mouth. Alan smiled at her cuteness, and stroked her cheek.

She nuzzled closer to his neck, and he smiled wide, stroking her hair, as she fell asleep against him. He saw some people looking at him, and their smile made him feel so proud. He had the best baby ever, asleep against him, totally trusting him. She was his baby, no one else's. And he loved that idea.



Alan couldn't sleep. He was laying in the dark, listening to the breath of Katelynn, in her own bed.

His brain was working too much. Tomorrow -or now since it was already 3am- was Katelynn's birthday. How could he celebrate the day Zoey died? All he wanted was to drive to thee cemetery, and curl against the stone all day. It had been quite sometime since he did this.

He turned on the side trying to sleep, and his eyes fell on the other pillow. It was a flat one, because Zoey slept better with one. It was her pillow, since he hated sleeping on them. But at that moment, the flat pillow was making him cry, just to look at it.

He moved his head on her pillow, and took her ring between his fingers. I miss you. He sighed. Would he feel that way forever? Would he heal on day? How could he, his everything was gone? He would love his baby girl, and protect her against everything, but while feeling broken all along. Did another way out even existed? He would never forget her, and he felt like he would never be able to love again. Not anyone.

He closed his eyes, as he felt tears roll out of them. He curled up, and cried into his pillow, not wanting to wake Katelynn up.

How long will it last?



Around ten, he drove to the cemetery. They agreed they would all come at this time, to see her. They decided to bring Katelynn, since no one was staying home. So Alan had the stroller in the back.

He stopped at the usual flower shop, but on this day, he didn't even have the strength to smile to the girl. She frowned, but didn't talk.

"Red roses, please." He almost whispered, just up enough for her to ear. She nodded, and walked to the flowers.

When she walked back, he took the flowers and breathed them in. He wanted to cry. He wished he could just gave the flowers to her.

He paid and walked away, refusing to look at her in the eyes. He would break down if he did.

He drove to the cemetery, hearing Katelynn playing with some wooden toys. He sighed, and finally reached the cemetery. He put Katelynn out of her car seat, and into the stroller. He took the flowers and walked to the grave.

By now, he knew the way by heart. He stopped in front of the grave. He was the first, but he already knew it.

He pulled Katelynn out of the stroller, and sat down, next to it, the baby in his arms.

He couldn't speak. He wanted to tell her this was her mommy. He wanted her to know, to understand why her mommy wasn't around her. He hugged the baby close. She hugged him back without asking anything. He nuzzled his face into her neck, incapable to stop the tears from rolling down.

"I love you" Was all he could say. And he told her a hundred times.

He finally pulled away to look at her, and he saw the look on her face. She was too young to understand what was going on, but she seemed to perceive something was wrong. She put her small hand on his cheek, and her eyes went wide at the wetness. He dried his tears with one of his hands, as she hid her face into her favorite stuffed, a simple square of material with a cute head in the middle. He held her against him, and laid her head against his shoulder.

He breathed deep. He looked at her. He wanted to talk, to tell her about her mom, but nothing seemed right to say. So he simply looked at her with all the love and admiration he felt. And he kissed her forehead.

Behind him, Austin, Aaron, Phil, Tino, Amanda, Anouk and Jenna were staring at the scene in silence. Watching someone holding a baby in a cemetery was always heartbreaking, but seeing their friend in that position was way worse.

None of them moved, because none of them knew what to do. Until Amanda walked out of Aaron's embrace, and sat next to Alan. He barely looked at her. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder, stroking it.

That was too much. Alan broke down in tears, hiding into her shoulder, as she wrapped her other arm around his head slowly stroking his hair.

Anouk walked to them and sat on his other side, just stroking his arm, just to tell him she was there too.

Soon they were all around him, supporting him.

It was silent. None of them was making any noise. The only sound was Alan's sob, and the occasional sniffs from anyone else.