Letters

Alan was trying to take a selfie for the last five minutes. He was holding Katelynn with on arm, against him, and holding his phone in the other. Each time he shot, she would look the other way, or close her eyes.

He managed to finally take one, as the other were laughing at him.

On this one, she was resting her head against his shoulder. And he was smiling.

He turned to her, and kissed her forehead.

"Thanks baby" he whispered.

He started typing in his phone as she played with the chain around his neck.

"Happy first birthday ever, you tiny ginger head. Already a year, time goes so quick. I really love you, you are the most wonderful thing on this planet. You are one of the best thing that ever happened to me, and I will never regret the day you were born. I don't want you to ever believe this. Even if you can't read yet, and have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, you're just playing with the hem of my shirt. But still, love you baby girl :) "

Once done with the post, he slid his phone back in his pocket.

"Alan! Let's blow the candle!" Jenna was cheering. She had made a huge cake for everyone, and put a big candle on it.

He smiled. He held Katelynn close to the candle, but not enough for her to burn herself.

" blow it!" He told her.

He showed her, not enough to blow it off. She did the same as him, but blowing more saliva then air. Seeing it wasn't working at all, Alan leaned in and blew it. He then turned to her and cheered, as everyone clapped their hand, yelling.

Katelynn, not really understanding, joined everyone and clapped too.

Alan laughed and kissed her head.

Anouk cut the pie in parts, as they all sat around the table. Alan sat Katelynn on his right knee, taking a slice of the cake for her, and feeding her as he ate. She ended up eating alone, just grabbing part of the chocolate cake and putting as much as she could into her mouth. From time to time, he helped her, but left her alone, only carefully watching her. He knew the guys made fun if him because of how careful and worried he was with Katelynn. But he knew they would all do the same when they would be dads. It was only a question of time. And now that he had Kat, maybe they wouldn't wait a lot more. Maybe. He knew it was young to have child at his age, but he didn't regret it. He loved Katelynn with everything he had. She was his world. And he would gave her the world. He would show her everything. The beauty and the ugly.

He opened his phone, feeling it vibrating, and saw that everyone had posted pics of him with his daughter.

@Amanda: Happy Birthday Cutie pie! She's the best, and I wish the best for her.

The pic was one of just Katelynn as she was into Alan's arms. She was looking at the camera, while eating her stuffed.

@Tino: Happy birthday for the last one of the Of Mice And Men Family. You're kind of our baby too, you know? Love you :)

This time it was a picture of Tino holding Katelynn. She was smiling, and he was too.

@Justin: Probably my favorite two human beings.

And the pic showed Eli holding Katelynn.

Alan smiled, and threw a look at his friends. They were all so supportive and living and caring for him and for Katelynn. He couldn't ask for anything else. They all did everything they could. And he made him so proud.

And he saw the last one.

It was a pic of him and his daughter blowing the candle.

@AustinCarlile: You can be proud of him. I am, too.

Alan stared for some second, before smiling wide and looking up at Austin, noticing he was looking back at him.

"You're a pretty good dad, you know."

Alan smiled. "I'm trying." He stroked her hair.

"She has her eyes."

Alan looked down. He knew she had them. It only hurt to think of her.

"I'm sure she's right there, looking at us." Austin said, staring at the ceiling. "And she wants to celebrate with us."

"She would have spent the day cooking the birthday cake." Alan smiled.

"And she would have fucked it up." Austin laughed.

"She would have almost burnt down the place, you mean." Alan laughed too.

"Yeah, and she would have taken three days just to decorate the room."

And the discussion died down. None of them knew what to say. They missed her so much.

Eli came to him, asking to take Katelynn with her. Alan smiled and gave her the baby.

Austin and Alan stared at Katelynn, as she went from arms to arms.

"Will it be like that forever?" Alan whispered, not looking away from his daughter.

"What you mean?"

"Will we miss her like that forever?"

Austin stayed silent.

"I'm not asking for getting over her or anything. Just be able to... I don't know... Just not wanting to die every time I think of her."

"We all need time."

"It's been a year, Aus. How many time are you talking about?"

"I don't know. It took me a really long time to do that with my mom. It's not the same, but still."

Alan nodded, but stayed silent for a while. "I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I know I have Kat, but that's not the same."

"I know." Austin said. "But nobody can tell what the future will bring. We will all see."



He looked at the stars over his head. They were so many. Is she one of them? He smiled at the silliness of his own thoughts.

He rose his hand over himself, looking once again at the squirrel tattoo.

He was laying down on the roof of his building. He couldn't sleep, since Katelynn was with her grand parents. They asked to have her one night. He had protested because he could only see her when he wasn't on tour, so they could have her when he was, but Zoey's dad had immediately retorted that they were working, so he could be with her when they weren't. So he had shut up, not to start an argument.

Although, he couldn't sleep. He was thinking way too much. And he feared the nightmares.

He missed her. All he wanted was her. Zoey deserved to rise her daughter. He knew she was saddened by that fact. Yeah she was too good to be in this world, but then why separate her from Katelynn?

He wished he had one last day with her. He never said goodbye. She was gone and she would never know how much he loved her. Or was she around him all the time, and so she knew? But what if she wasn't? Would she know?

He felt the need for her to know how he felt. To know everything he felt. So he would feel a little less alone.

He stood up, and ran down to his apartment. He opened the door, took his car keys and closed it. He ran to his car.



Austin waited, in the hallway. He had just knocked on Alan's door, but he didn't seemed to move.

The door was locked, which was very unusual for Alan. He only locked when he wasn't there.

Maybe he wasn't there, then? But where would he be? Katelynn was with Zoey's parents, not here. Maybe Allan didn't want to be alone in there.

Austin took his phone, and called Alan. It went directly to the voice mail. Great. Then, he called Eli, since it was the most likely place he could be.

Eli answered after three tones.

"Yeah, Aus?"

"Hey. I was just wondering if Alan was at Carol's with you."

"Alan? I haven't seen him since some days. Why? He isn't home?"

"Nope. Don't worry it's probably nothing. I'll call you when I'll have find him."

Eli agreed and turned the call off.

Alan could just be at some friends for the night. Calm down, it's probably nothing. But what happened before, every time Alan went missing, had everyone worried.

He decided to call Sandra. He knew how close Alan was from his sister, so maybe he was there.

He waited again some tone before her sleepy voice answered.

"I hope you have a good reason to wake me up."

Austin froze. She had just woke up. She was probably still in her bed. And gosh, her voice was damn sexy right now.

"Aus?" He heard her call from her phone.

He blushed lightly. "Erh... Yeah yeah sorry. So is Alan with you?"

"No, why? He isn't home?"

"Well, his door is closed and nobody moves inside even if I've knocked a hundred times."

"Carol's?"

"Already called."

"Shit."

"Yeah. An idea?"

"The guys?"

"Well, I'll call."

"Tell me if you find him."

"Sure."

With that he hung up. And he called the guys, walking back to his car. None of them had seen Alan. He texted Sandra to tell her, and she asked him to come so they could think of where he could be together. Maybe they would find quicker.

When he arrived, they agreed to drive around in his car to find him. It could still be nothing, but they had a bad feeling in their guts. Alan could have exploded for all they knew. He was always trying to contain everything, and every time he 'exploded' he fell into drug or alcohol. They were just hoping he was alright.

They gone to most bars and clubs Alan was going, and he wasn't anywhere near them. They had asked some bartenders, in the rare bars open in the morning, and none of them had seen him.

They were driving to a club, that was slightly out of town.

"Stop!!" Sandra yelled next to him.

He stopped dead in tracks.

"What?!"

"Here" and she pointed her window. He looked, and stared. The cemetery.

"Do you really think he would..."

"I don't know, but we've looked everywhere. Let's just see."

He nodded, and parked the car. They walked in the cemetery, and found him. He was against Zoey's stone, in a fetal position, his head in the top of the stone.

He was snoring lightly. And next to him, two empty bottle laid.

When they tried to wake him up, he barely spoke, still drunk from the night before. They ended up carrying him to the car, one on each of his sides, his arms around their shoulders.

They finally managed to make him sit in the car. He wasn't complaining much. As Sandra stood back up, Alan seated in the backside, They heard a voice behind them.

"Austin Carlile?"

Sandra and him turned their heads to the feminine voice. It was a teenager girl, with her two friends. Austin smiled, apologizing, to them.

"Yeah, that's me, but I can't really stay, I have things to..."

But before he could finish his sentence, Alan threw the alcohol up, into the back of the car.

"My car!" Austin swore.

"Gimme back the bottle." Alan managed to stutter.

"No." Sandra simply said. "Sorry girls, but we have to go." and with that she shared a look with Austin, and he went to the driver seat.

"Goodbye, sorry again." And he closed the door.



Alan opened his eyes to see his ceiling. He was still dressed and his head was hurting like hell. What happened? He closed his eyes, trying to remember the previous night.

Katelynn was at Carol's. I couldn't sleep. Then, the roof, and after.... Shit. The cemetery.

He couldn't remember coming home. But he wasn't stupid. If he was back here it was because somebody had found him.

He took a deep breath, and stood up. He slowly walked to the living room, seeing Austin and Sandra watching a movie. Great.

"Hey..." He whispered.

They turned their heads to him. They were angry at him.

"Had a good night?" Sandra told him.

His look dropped. But He kept silent.

"Alan, you can't do that."

"Do what?" He whispered, confused.

"Well, drinking until unconsciousness every time Kat's not with you." Sandra sweetly said. Her words were hard to heard, but she was trying to make him understand by using her sweet voice. She walked to him, and wrapped her arms around him. "I can understand that it's really hard for you, Alan, I'm not saying it isn't. It's just, you have to hold on even if Katelynn isn't under the same roof."

"I'm trying." He whispered against her shoulder.