Letters

As the end of January approached, Alan's mood was going down, slowly. It 21 was Zoey's birthday. And everyone would be partying for the first 'birthday' of Restoring Forces. In the weeks before, the nightmares had came back. They were different, through. It was no longer Zoey being tortured, but Katelynn was there too. Not every nights, but some. When he couldn't sleep, he usually called the person Katelynn was staying at, and just asked to see her. When it was impossible, he simply went to watch a movie, and not going back to sleep for the night.

On her birthday, he stayed with her family, the Of Mice And Men group, his own family and Roxanne who had flew to California. They went to the cemetery, and met Owen there. It was weird, Zoey's parents were still really close to him. He then went back to Carol with them. Alan was too much into his memories to care about details like this.

Once at home, Alan kept Katelynn in his arms, not saying a word. He was stroking her hair, rocking her back and forth. She was too young to comprehend what was happening around her. How could she understand why nobody wanted her to play, today? Or why no one seemed to pay too much attention to her? Alan refused to let her go, keeping her close to him, even when she wanted to get away. He needed her. He couldn't let her go, not today.

Austin had his head low, thinking back to so many memories. He remembered every moment of her pregnancy. Sandra sat down near him, and wrapped her arm around his shoulder. He rested against her.

Owen was sitting on the opposite side of the room, watching everyone. Was he the only one who blamed Alan? Why everyone was okay with him being there? why everyone was treating him like he was the only one hurt? That should be him. He was the one who was supposed to end up with her. Not that asshole. He was the one supposed to have kids with her. He had loved her for what felt like forever. Alan only knew her for a few years. It was nothing. And she didn't even told him about the sickness. it was probably that he didn't cared enough. He had probably never cared at all. He only acted this way to be the center of attention. Just to once again take his place. What an asshole. How could nobody see that? Were they all underneath his charms?

Alan was looking at the ring he gave her, for her birthday. It was two years ago, but it felt like an eternity happened since. I wish we got married. He had no idea where that idea came from, or when it came up. Being her husband. Yeah, he would have loved that. He wished she had told him sooner about her sickness. He wouldn't have let her with "Go away" for last words. He would have helped her through her pregnancy, just like Austin did. He would have held her hand all along the path they shared. He would have been there for the ultra sounds. They would have argued for hours about the name. Or who she was going to look like the most. It would have been so much better. But she had thought it would hurt less this way.

Well, no. She thought that if he didn't know, and if he hated her, it would be easier. But that wasn't what Austin did. Alan didn't blame Austin for telling him. If anything, he was glad Austin did. He was glad to know his daughter, and to take care of her, and also to be back in Of Mice and Men. However, it still hurt a lot.

Alan looked at his daughter. She was laying in his arms, hugging her favorite stiffed animal close to herself. It was a stuffed made of a flat piece of fabric, white, with a dog-like head in the middle, in volume. It was almost looking like Zero, from The Nightmare Before Christmas, red nose and red collar included.

He kissed the top of her head, and she instantly rose her head to him. He saw that she was on the verge of the tears.

"Hey, don't cry." He whispered. His voice was harsh, it barely looked like his usual voice. She hid her head into his neck, and wrapped her small arms around him, as he stroked her back, kissing her arm. She wasn't crying, at least not the 'I'm hungry or hurt' type of cry. It was soft, and heartbreaking. she didn't understand what was going on around her, but she could easily feel other people's feelings, like most of babies. She was sad, and scared because others were. He held her close, trying to seem stronger to her, just to show her that she didn't have to worry. She was too young for that. She would have her whole life to be hurt over the lack of a mother, he wanted to protect her from that the longer he could. She didn't deserved to be hurt, ever.

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Around 2pm, Carol served them something to eat. She didn’t made a big meal, since she knew no one would be hungry. Everyone came to sit, and Alan let finally go of Katelynn, since she wanted to play. Sandra was sitting right next to him, and she took him into her arms, as he let his daughter go. Alan didn’t eat anything. The others were only pecking.

Then, they went back to the couches, nobody knowing what to do with themselves. Alan was keeping an eye on Katelynn, since she was playing around, running in the middle of everyone’s legs.

She was so perfect for him. She was the best person to have ever existed, he knew it. He also knew he was far from being objective, but he didn’t cared. She was the best person, period.

She walked to one side of the room, where Owen was. He was sitting with Leroy and Sheryl. She walked to her grand mother, who took her into her arms, smiling wide. Sheryl loved Katelynn. Alan smiled, realizing everyone loved Katelynn. Well, no, scratch that. Owen didn’t loved her. But Owen barely counted. He was jealous, and had been anything but nice to Zoey, while she was pregnant. Alan had talked with Austin about what happened during those 9 months, that was why he couldn’t feel sorry for Owen. He was, before, thinking that Owen was only really sad because Zoey was gone, and that he still loved her. After all, Alan was feeling the same way. But while she was pregnant, he was never there, and was insulting her every time she talked with him. Yes, he was jealous, but that wasn’t an excuse to be mean to Zoey. Just as much as it wasn’t a reason to hate Katelynn.

Owen, him, felt like it was all Alan’s fault. He was the reason Zoey was gone, he was the reason Zoey would never be his. He had everything he wanted, and had threw it away.

Alan knew he shouldn’t talk to him. All that would do, would be to make them both angry, and probably hitting the other. But owen, he believed he need to put Alan to his place. He needed everyone to understand that it was alan’s fault. But over that envy, there was another thing he wanted to do. But that was something way worse, and that he knew he shouldn’t do.

He wanted to hurt Alan. He wanted to avenge Zoey. It was his fault if she was gone, so he wanted him to know it, and to suffer. Alan had killed his love, so he deserved to be hurt.

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For the night, they decided not to make a party for the first anniversary of the album. Therefore, they went back home. But the guys from Of Mice And Men, and their girls, along with Justin, Eli, and Sandra, joined in, and they stayed for the night at Austin’s house. Only Alan was missing. He had said he wanted the night alone. So everyone had gave him. Katelynn was with Zoey’s parents. Before letting him go, Sandra had gave him one of the blanket from Carol’s (with the permission of the elder woman). She knew he was going to sleep against her tombstone. It wasn’t the first time, it probably wouldn’t be the last.

At Austin’s, they watched a movie, unable to make any discussion. When the first film ended, Austin started another.

Finally everyone left around 1 A.M.. Sandra was the last one. They were sitting on the couch, in silence. None of them knew what to say to the other. After some long painful minutes, Austin turned to Sandra, and looked at her in the eyes.

"Sandra, you know…"

He couldn’t say that. He could see feelings twirling into her eyes. He knew she was attracted by him, as much as he was by her. But now wasn’t the right time. Everyone was trying their best not to act too ‘touchy’ or ‘in love’ in front of Alan, because everybody knew it hurt him every time he saw a couple. They were all giving him time, and so starting to date his sister right now wouldn’t be the smartest thing to do.

"Alan, right?" She only said. He nodded, unable to say his mind out loud. "I agree with you. That’s… The best thing to do."

And with that she stood up, and walked away. Austin watched her, promising himself that one day he would keep her with him. She was an amazing girl, but he couldn’t do that, for Alan’s shake.

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Alan was laying down, his back against her stone. He had the blanket over him, even if the Californian night wasn't really cold. Even in January. He was singing her song. The one he had wrote for her. No one had ever heard it, beside her. One day, maybe he would show it to the guys, to see what they thought about it. The song wasn't especially good to Alan. It was a simple melody, and the guitar riff was easy to him. Yet, he never had the mind to make it better. Each time he tried to work on this song, he just didn't know what to do. It was one of her favorite rhythm, he knew it. He had tried to put in everything Zoey liked. He had tried to make a song that suited her, yes, but more, a song he would have liked. Maybe even a song that would make her cry.

He watched the stars, until he fell asleep.

In the early morning, when he woke up, he drove back to Carol, put the blanket back on the couch, and went to Katelynn's room. Carol was already up, since it was already 7. She gave him a sad look and let him go to his daughter.

When he opened the door, he saw that she was awake, so he went to her, and took her in his arms. She smiled, and hugged him.

He laid back down, his back to the fluffy pink carpet. He laid her on his chest, slowly stroking her back. She fell asleep in seconds and he miles as he breath evened.

He looked at the ceiling. He breathed in the smell of the room. He liked it. It smelled like babies, heat, and cosiness. At least, to him it smelled like this. This room was the fort, the place where he was safe. No nightmare, no hurt. One day, he would have to put a real bed in there, that carpet wasn't that comfortable, and each night he slept there he had woken up with all his back aching.

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Then, they went back on tour. And to celebrate, they went to some bar. They were all together, with their girls. Alan sat down on a bar stool. He asked for another whisky, when he heard a voice he wouldn't miss on tour. Owen's.

"Still drinking?"

Alan rolled his eyes. He was there to be happy and have fun. Not to talk with that guy. "Seems like it."

Owen laughed.

"Can i know what's so funny?" Alan asked. He wasn't in the mood to keep his calm. And the alcohol in his blood wasn't helping.

"Just you drinking again. So pathetic."

Alan turned to him, pretty shocked by his words. How this guy dared to talk like that? He was the one who had gave up on Zoey, had treated her badly, and hated her daughter. He only sighed, drinking his drink, not wanting to answer Owen's words.

"Maybe you're not so pathetic." Alan turned his face to him, wondering what he was going to say next. Alan knew that Owen's words were always hurtful. "I guess it's normal you're a wreck, after what you've done."

Alan sighed. "Why don't you just go away?"

"You're still refusing to admit it, right?" Owen smiled. Alan knew Owen only wanted to hurt him. He knew his words had a purpose. And he knew what he was be blamed of: being the reason Zoey was gone. "One day, you'll have to face it. But seeing the asshole you are, I guess it's gonna be in a long, long time."

Alan sighed. He tried his best not to care about his words. He was there to hurt him. Alan didn't know what was his plan, but it wasn't good. It never was.

"Or maybe, you're admitting it's your fault, and that's why you acting lovely to the brat. Out of guilt."

"What?!" Alan turned to face the guy.

Owen smirked. His plan was working good. "yeah, you obviously don't love her. I mean, come on, men, Katelynn's nasty. We all know you can't fucking stand her. And I completely understand you."

Alan's jaw clenched. "Why are you talking to me? what's the plan? getting me mad?"

"I just want you to be honest with yourself. It's not possible that you've never seen the truth about her heart. I can't buy that. You knew. And you got her pregnant, to kill her. Breaking up wasn't enough for you right?" He shook his head. "You didn't have to take her from me. She was mine to love, and mine to cherish. You're just the asshole who killed her. Nothing more."

"She was never yours. She never fucking loved you, and she would never have!" Alan's voice was slightly rising. "She thought you were boring, and dull."

"Oh, right, as if you knew her enough! You knew her for how long? a year? I knew her since high school."

"And she still choose me."

"Yeah, but for how many time she would have stayed? do you really thought she would have stayed with you forever?" Owen laughed.

"Shut up." Alan said, trying to stay calm. How could he act this way? what did Alan do to him? Why?

"Ow, the ginger princess is hurt. Poor you. But know what? I'm hurting way worse. And all because of you."

"I didn't killed her. It was her choice." Alan whispered.

"Sure. she's not a monster, she didn't want to kill the baby. But do you really believe she wanted it, at the first place?"

Alan's eyes were watering. He knew it. He knew what Owen was saying was true. But she said she loved the baby. She said she didn't regretted it.

"Ow, you're quiet now. You're admitting the truth?"

That's when Alan lost it. He was hurt, and that asshole of Owen was playing with the wound.