Letters

The sun was going down, bringing beautiful colors all over the spring sky. And all over the field. Field. Alan liked to refer to that place as a field. A field of stones. The stones were lined along alleys. His, was next to the far end of the field. His stone. It wasn't his at all, but somehow it felt like it was his own.

He let his head rest on the stone. For once, he didn't bring flowers. He was just hiding there since the scene in the fast food. Nora had ran off. He had not even followed her. He was numb, and he had gone to the only place he felt less alone. to the place he had grown to love. to Zoey's grave.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to tell Nora, he wanted everything to remain the same.. Now she was probably wanting to break up with him.

He looked up at the pinkish sky. He wished Zoey could be there. His life had been so much easier back then. He didn't have anything to hide, he wasn't even sad.

But she wasn't, and she never would be anymore. He had to go on. He had to for everyone. And for Zoey too. She had sacrificed a lot to make sure he would be okay. So he had to be.

But loosing Nora made him sad. He liked her. She somehow was like a really good friend, someone who made him feel so much better about his life. Yes, he wasn't in love with her, and he knew he would never be. His heart simply couldn't love someone else than Zoey. It belonged to her. But he could at least try not to feel so alone.

He wanted to keep her. She had grown important to him. She was funny, and made him feel alive. It was probably egoistic to like her because of how he felt, who he was, when he was with her, but he did anyway.

He needed to go apologize. He knew it, but he refused to apologize. All he wanted at that moment was to be swallowed by the ground, and to go find Zoey. He didn't wanted to kill himself, like he used to. He simply wished there was a way to be with her again. He wished he could just go on a trip, like in so many stories, to find some artifact that could bring her back. The dragon balls, or the Resurrection Stone.

He laughed at his own thought. He knew Zoey was probably laughing too, if she was listening. He observed the sky. The clouds were moving slowly through the twilight sky. His vision was blurry from tears. How could he ever go on? It all happened a few years before but it still hurt as much as day one. The only difference was that now he didn't want to kill himself.

Tears rolled down his cheeks, as the thought of how much he wished that one of his attempts worked. He still wished he was dead, gone. But he didn't want to die, if that made any sense. He wished he was already dead, not to die today, his death would make too many people sad, and Katelynn... He couldn't abandon her. He knew it. He only wished he was already dead, some times before. So he could be with Zoey right now.

Knowing he had to stay hurt somehow. All he wanted was Zoey. Not everything that happened.

He had thought that those thoughts were gone. Or at least, everyone else had thought so. Everyone thought he was "recovered". He wasn't. Those idea were persistent. They didn't go away that easily. There was no word to make them go away. They always stayed at the back of his head, never really there, but never 100% gone.

His eyes shut slowly. He knew everyone was probably searching for him at the time. He knew they would soon find him. He didn't have much time less before they would come, help him up and home. He was only waiting for them to arrive, taking advantages of the peacefulness of the place before.

Soon Sandra walked to him. She sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry." She told him.

He didn't wanted to talk, or even to hear her talk. He just wanted to be alone.

"She will forgive you, you know. Maybe if you go to her....."

He stood up, cutting her short. He didn't want to hear her pitiful words.

"Alan..." She whispered, as she stood up and followed him.

She caught his arms. She was about to open her mouth, when Alan stopped her.

"Don't."

She watched how his teary eyes gleamed into the light of the setting sun. Instinctively, she wrapped her arms around her younger brother. He nuzzled his head into her neck, as she stroked his back.

She knew he had to go see Nora. She was really good for him, and she helped him a lot without even knowing. But what Sandra hadn't understood before was that he had been really hurt. And also that he needed time before going to talk to her.

*** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Alan had been staring at the wall for the last hour. He would be going to Nora's place, later. He still didn't know what to say. And how she was. Was she sad? Angry? He didn't know. Was it better to run to her, not knowing what to say, or to wait to be more rested and calm?

She was probably hurt. She was waiting for him, he knew it. But what if he came to her and didn't know what to say. Wouldn't that be worse? Maybe with flowers, or a cake, or something it would be better.

She was a direct person. She liked honesty, that was why it hurt her so much not to know the truth. And she was a really curious person.

She wanted to know the truth.

And that was what he was going to tell her. And the sooner would be the best. Why was he still waiting there?

He shot up, threw the first clothes he saw on, and ran out of his room. Katelynn was currently at Carol's so he didn't needed to watch her. He slipped on his usual vans, before closing the door faster than ever, and running to the stairs, knowing the elevator was too slow.

Then, his car. He drove faster than legal. And finally her apartment. He barely even parked, before he jumped up the stairs. He finally stand before her door. He looked at the door.

Do it.

He took a deep breath and knocked.

Silence. He waited, his breath short.

"I'm really not in the mo..." Nora's eyes went huge as she saw him. His hair were everywhere, and he had dark circle under his eyes. She wasn't expecting him, and she didn't want to see him. Not after what he had done to her. He had used her.

She was already closing the door, when Alan stopped it with his arm.

"Alan Anthony Ashby." He said looking straight into her eyes. She frowned. "My name. Alan Anthony Ashby. I'm guitarist in a metal band called Of Mice And Men. I tour a lot, that's why I'm always away." He took a deep breath. "Let me explain."

"Explain what? You've lied in my face. You're an asshole."

"Please, just let me explain it to you. Please."

She sighed. To be honest, she wanted to know the whole truth, and he seemed ready to tell her everything. She stepped aside letting him in. He smiled to her as he went inside.

She sat down on the couch, not letting too much of her feelings out. He didn't need to know how much she was missing him, or how much she wanted to hug him.

He sat in front of her, on the coffee table. He looked down, trying to find the right words. He choose to start by what had probably hurt the most. "I'm not married. The girl you saw was my sister." Her eyes went huge. "However.... The little one is my daughter." He looked up at her, unsure of her reaction. She seemed more shocked than anything else. She already knew, but hearing him tell her... It hurt.

"Why?" she whispered.

"Why what?" He frowned.

"Why did you cheat on the mom with me?"

Alan stayed silent. She frowned lightly as his hand went to the ring around his neck. So that's his wife's...

"She.... She passed away while giving birth..." He whispered. He was looking at the ground. He knew that now that she knew, she had the power to truly hurt him. He hoped that he was right, trusting her not to.

"Oh my god." She covered her mouth with her hands. Everything connected in her head. The flowers, the ring, the need of attention. Even the distance he had always keep between them. The only thing she didn't understood was why hide everything about him, even his friends. But she would ask another moment.

Right at that moment, she had to choose. Alan had his head low right before her. She could either excuse him for the lies, and hug him, or not accept his apologies and tell him to go away.

Was that even a question?

She wrapped her arms around him. His head nuzzled against her neck, breathing in her smell.

"I'm sorry for lying." He whispered, as she stroked his back. "I should have told you."

"Yes, you should have. But now it's done, and there's no need to regret."

*** *** *** *** *** ***

You can come to mine, if you want.

Alan had told her that a few minute ago, after the movie they had watched. It was around 2 in the morning, but none cared. As soon as he asked her, they went to his car, and he drover her to his apartment. He gave her the code of the front door, telling her that everyone knew it, and never bothered using the intercom. He led her to the elevator, then to his door. He was nervous. He knew he had no reasons to be, but he was. he opened his door to her, and let her in before him.

He turned the lights on, and, observed her reaction. The apartment wasn't too messy, there only was children's toy all over the living room. She smiled.

"Come" He said, going to his bedroom. "Let's sleep a few hours." He opened the door for her, and blushed lightly seeing the baby bed squeezed between the wall and one side of the bed. He scratched the back of his neck. "I don't have another room.... Sorry"

The baby bed was really weird to her. Sleeping in some guy's bed, with the bed of his baby next to her was definitely not something she loved, but she didn't say a word. He was already uncomfortable, and he knew how weird it was to her.

Alan stripped to his boxer, before laying on the side closer to the baby bed, and opening his arms to her. She smiled a little, and took off her clothes, before throwing on Alan's shirt. She cuddled against his chest.

"You must be so weirded out." He had an humorless laugh.

"It's okay." She whispered.

They barely slept that night. They stayed cuddled against the other, in silence. Alan was thinking about Zoey, Katelynn, and Nora. Thinking about how he could manage to make everyone happy. He knew the best for Nora was to go away, because he would never be able to love her like she did. But he found it nice to pretend, and to be able to receive such feelings. Nora knew it, or at least she had understood. That was why he never was too nice. He would never love her. She was falling for the guy. She knew it. But he would probably never love her back, because he loved someone else.

But thinking about them for the whole night, she wanted to help him. Maybe, just maybe, if she really helped him get past the dead woman, he would be able to look at her, and to love her. She had a slight hope, but the hope was there.