Letters

Alan was looking at the walls. He was used to them. They were white. In fact, everything was white: the walls, the ceiling, the floor, the bed, the sheets, the table. White. That was all he could see.

The only color he saw was his tattoos. And the color on TV. And those people who came had in them.

Even the food was white. Or, well, bland.

But the white thing that pained him a lot was his hair. He had always loved his red hair. But now, they had turned a yellowish gray with time. That was saddening. It was a proof of his age.

He wasn’t that old, at least that was what everyone told him. “You’re too young for this.” They always said.

Bullshit. He was old enough.

He looked down at his hands. Admiring the tattoos on the top of his two hands.

It felt like forever ago, when he had done them. But he still remembered a lot of things.

Her smile, her laugh, her eyes. Her kisses too. They used to sweep him off of his feet.

It was such a long time ago. But still, he remembered what happened with her better than what happened in the years after.

He had not forgotten everything, far from that, but he had forgot a lot. He remembered every small step of Katelynn’s life. The day she spoke, the day she walked. The days spend playing games together. Her first birthday with her friends. It was in her second year of school. The day she asked for the first time about her mom. It was in her first year.

It was a sunny day of may. Alan was waiting for the clock of the end of the school day to ring. When it rang, the doors opened and the kids came out running to their moms. By now, the mother were used to him. They were even talking to him a bit. Not much, but it was better than nothing.

He saw Katlynn’s ginger hair, and he smiled. But then he saw her face, and his smile fell. She was crying.

She ran to him, and he picked her up.

“Daddy!” She cried. “I want to do a present, too!"

He frowned. "What why are you…”

"Miss Andrew said I wasn’t doing the same thing! The other are laughing at me!“

Alan frowned. He looked up to see the teacher running to him, a sorry frown on her face.

"Mr Ashby!”

“I want the same!” Katelynn cried in his shoulder.

He knew there was moms who were watching. It wasn’t something he particularly liked.

"What’s wrong?“ He asked the teacher, stroking Katelynn’s hair.

"She…” The teacher looked away. “Mother’s day is in a few week… We started doing the present for the kid’s moms….”

Alan was frozen. His heart had stopped. He felt the anger rising up his spine. How could the teacher be so unconscious? How could she make them all do that stupid thing?!

“Daddy, why can’t I do one?”

His heart stopped. He felt his throat get dry, to the point where he could barely breath.

Zoey

He looked at Katelynn’s crying face.

Zoey.

They shared the same eyes.

Zoey.

He remembered her tears. How many times had Zoey cried, knowing her daughter would not have a mom? How many times had Zoey blamed herself for the future pain of her daughter?

“Daddy, why I don’t have a mom? Why does everyone else has one?”

He hadn’t told her at that moment, she was too small to understand. He had told her her mother wasn’t there, and she was really far.

The day he told her the truth was later. She was 6, used by now to give the mother’s day’s present to Sandra. But before that, she learned a lot about families when Amanda’s baby was born.

“Daddy!!” He heard her scream as he walked inside of the house. It was Saturday, and Katelynn had stayed all day with a very pregnant Amanda.

He picked her up, and walked to Amanda.

“Had a good day?” He asked.

“Yes!” Katelynn clapped her hands. “‘Manda is gonna have a baby!” She was really excited.

“Yeah, I know.” He smiled.

“Daddy, can I be the baby’s sister?”

Alan frowned. “What?"

"I wanna be the big sister!” She claimed.

“No, you… Can’t.” He was almost laughing, but truing to contain it not to hurt Katelynn, she seemed so serious.

“But I want a little brother!”

“You know to have a little brother or sister you need to have the same parents.”

“But I want a little brother! Daddy, give me a little brother, please!”

“I can’t do that alone.” He laughed, as she frowned, not understanding. “You have to be two to have a baby.”

“But you can be the big sister from other parents, if you want?” Amanda smiled, solving the problem.

From that day, she had been the big sister from another parents to every kids the guys had. Being an only child wasn’t something she liked. She didn’t like being alone, even as she grew up. But she didn’t complain anymore, when she knew.

"Already awake, Sir?“ A smiling girl, entering the white room.

She was young, much younger than him. Nancy, that was her name. He had already met her. She had brown hair, and brown eyes. She had a kind smile, and was nice. The nicest nurse.

He smiled to her.

"The visits will be open in one hour, do you know if your family is coming?"

"Probably, they always come.” He smiled. He loved them.

She smiled to him. “Breakfast will be soon there, I hope you’re more hungry than last night, sir. You need to eat more.”

He shook his head. “I don’t eat much.”

"But you need food, you need to get better.“

Alan looked away. The sun was rising. Zoey loved watching the sun rise and the sun set. Zoey.

It was such a long time ago. He missed her so much. He wondered how he had managed to survive to this. He was still hurt, so many years later.

Katelynn. Katelynn was the only reason he was still alive. The others had helped him feeling better, but Katelynn kept him alive.

The guys, with of mice and men, they had helped a lot. Making him feel like he belonged somewhere, like he had a place to be, to stay. And the fans. They had always been so happy to meet him, and they kept looking up at him, even if he felt like the worst shit. They were always saying how they wanted to become like him, how they loved what he was doing, how he was a great person. And his ego loved it.

Nora had been also a huge help. She had been there in a way no one else could.

Nora. She had been a huge part of his life. She somewhere along the line fell in love. He knew it, because it was the reason she left. They stayed together for four years. She always had that hope that he would love her back. And he was really nice. He treated really good. But he never was in love with her.

She had managed to make him move out of his apartment, to buy a house. He knew he had to do it, he just hated to do it. His old apartment held so many memories… He refused to leave. But she managed to convince him. It was better for everyone.

But Nora was too good for his broken self. That was the reason he didn’t fight when she decided to go for good. The other times, he had fought, because she was worth some fight. But then, their relationship went down. When he wasn’t home, she had a lover. And if he wanted a girl on tour, he wasn’t stopping himself. They stayed together because they liked being together. Each other’s presence was making them feel good. They never talked about it, but they knew. At first it was just flings, she had but she found a guy who cared for her. And she realized that Alan didn’t love her that way, and that he never would. So the day the other guy asked her to choose she did in a heartbeat. Alan didn’t fight, he knew she deserved better.

And after her, a lot of girls passed. He had had a few girlfriend, with who he stayed quite some time, but he never felt a thing for them. And in between those, or even when he was with a girl, he had night stands.

With time, the girls he was with were becoming rare. He didn’t have a girlfriend, he didn’t felt the need. He only had night stands from times to times.

His family never said much about that. It was his way to deal and not be too alone. They were only glad he was alive.

A different nurse came, bringing breakfast with her. That one was older, and she was less nice.

"Breakfast’s here.” She smiled.

As usual, he barely ate. The “eat, you’re gonna feel better” advice from the nurse wasn’t helping. He knew he was weak, and he was happy this way. He didn’t want more strength. He already had enough.

Then, after breakfast, another nurse did the checks on his health. The heart beat, the blood pressure, everything. They did so every morning.

Then the visits opened. So he waited, he knew his family would come.

There was a knock on the door, and Alan called them to enter. The door opened slowly. And he saw the red headed girl he loved. A smile instantly formed on his lips.

She went to him, and kissed his cheek. “Dad.” She whispered.

She sat on the chair next to the bed. Her hand found his and she held it.

"Feeling better?…“ There was such pain in her voice. He observed her.

Katelynn was looking a lot like Zoey. She had a fine face, with a really light skin. She never tanned, she just went crab-red. She had the green eyes of her mother. The most beautiful ever, in Alan’s opinion. But now, they were clouded with pain. Pain and sadness.

"You’ve got pretty eyes.” Alan smiled to her. His voice was weak. He was weak.

He saw the tears forming in her eyes.

“Cody’s not there?” He asked, changing the subject.

Cody O'Donell was her boyfriend. He was black Irish man. An improbable mix. He had been living in the south of the USA for ten years, and they had meet the year he came. He was working for as a producer on songs, mostly in alternative rock music.

He would one day become Alan’s son-in-law. Soon. But first, the baby Katelynn was carrying wound come. Then the wedding. Well, that was what Alan thought, since Cody still hadn’t asked her.

Her baby bump was still barely showing, but she was pregnant. That thought alone made him happy. Some how, he was worried. He knew she didn’t risk much, because she didn’t have the disease her mother had. Katelynn’s heart was perfectly fine. Alan was still worried for his little girl.

“He’s at work.” She managed to say. “How are you feeling?” She asked again.

"Alive.“ He whispered.

She didn’t answer. It was awkward. What should she say? Do? She wanted her dad to survive. She wanted to keep him always with her. He had been the best father anyone could ask for, in her opinion. He had always tried to help and protect her in any way he could. He was a great person.

"I love you, dad. You’re the best.” She told him. She wanted him to know. She knew he knew she loved him. But she wanted to be 100% sure he would never doubt her feelings.

Even when she was fifteen, when she hated everyone, and wanted everyone to change, she was feeling so guilty each time she yelled at her dad. Even when she was angry at the whole world,he was talking g to her with such a love in his eyes she couldn’t stay mad at him. She would have done anything for her father. And she knew he would do even more for her.

But seeing him there, old, weak, almost dying without being able to do anything…. It broke her heart.

"I love you too, sweetie.“

He knew she was too old to be called with child’s names, but he didn’t care. She was his little girl, and that would never change. Never.

He looked down at the necklace on her chest. Zoey’s one. That necklace brought back so many memories.

"Daddy! Look what I drew!”

Katelynn came running to the living room. She had been at Amanda’s all day. She was in love with the baby boy. Paul. She believed she was his big sister, and she had to protect him.

Amanda walked behind, smiling. The red headed girl ran to her father and sat on his knees. He grabbed her and wrapped his arms around her.

"Look daddy!“

His heart skipped a few beats. On the paper, three figures laid. On the left, a tall one. With bright orange line on his head, for the hair. He was holding the hand of a second figure, this time smaller. This time, the line were longer, on the sides of it’s, and still orange. Him and Katelynn. But that was not what shocked him. No, what shocked him was the last figure, on the right.

It feet didn’t touch the ground. It was flying. It had big badly drawn wings. It had a dress, that simply was a triangle.

"This is you.” She said pointing at the first figure. “This is me.” She pointed at the small one. “This is mom.” She pointed at the flying character. His hold tightened around her. “You told me she was an angel now.”

He had kept this with him. Like he kept every present she ever gave him. He was deeply fascinated by them.

"If it’s a girl, we’ll call her Ashleen.“ Katelynn said, looking down at her stomach.

Ashleen. Zoey’s second name.

Katelynn held his hand. "And I know she’s gonna love her grandpa, and she’s gonna want to meet him. Please.” She was whispering.

He looked away. He didn’t want to do that. Why?

Zoey. She was the reason of every of his choices. His choices about his life, about Katelynn’s.

It had been hard to tell her everything. He had waited a long time, until he couldn’t wait any more.

Alan was looking at the wrapped present in his hands. It was the right thing to do.

Her sixteen birthday had been the day before. A Friday. They had gone to celebrate with the whole family. They had all gave present, even him. But now it was a very different present he had.

He knocked on the door.

"Kat, can I come in?“ He called. He heard a sleepy 'yeah’ so he opened.

"Hey Kat.” He smiled at her, as he opened the door. She was laying in her bed, under the blanket her computer on her knees. He sat next to her on the bed, the present in his hands.

Her eyes widened, seeing the present. “But dad, the phone was enough.” She softly told him.

“This is different.” He whispered. He needed to gave it to her, but his eyes were locked on it. The book. But she deserved to read it. She barely knew her mother. Only his words. She deserved to know everything her mother left.

He handed it to her, looking intensely at her.

She frowned, and opened carefully the paper. “A book?” She frowned looking at the manually written page.

“It… It is what your mom left me.” He whispered.

Katelynn’s breath got stuck in her throat. She knew her father. She had between her hands the most important object to him. She had heard about the book she left him. She also knew no one had ever read it, beside Alan.

"Read it.“ He whispered.

She pulled her computer on the side, caressing the cover. "Thanks dad.” She smiled.

Slowly, she opened. She felt like she was opening some treasure. This was what mattered the most to her father. She admired the handwriting of her mother. It had been wrote quickly, she could tell from the harshness in the letters. She took a deep breath.

And she started reading.

Alan stood up, to let her alone while she read. He went to the instrument room. He had made one, in his house. He sat and took his guitar. His old acoustic one. And slowly, he started to play a song he had never played to anyone else than Katelynn. He had played that song a thousand times, but when he was alone. It was Zoey’s song. The one that never had a name. The one he would never forget. The one that was for her.
He closed his eyes and sang hoping she was hearing.

He had asked if Katelynn wanted to eat, and she had told him she would later. He understood, she was reading. So he ate alone, in front of the TV. He had warned the others not to come to his house, because he wanted a daddy-daughter day. He hadn’t told them what he planned to do.

He went back to his guitars, and played the whole afternoon. He only stopped when he saw a shadow at the door. He put his guitar down, and walked to Katelynn. She was crying. He instinctively wrapped his arms around her. Slowly, he walked her back to her room, trying his best not to cry.

They led down on her bed, her head nuzzled in his neck.

“Have you seen the pictures?” He asked rubbing the tears off of his face.

“The pictures…?” she asked.

He smiled, and sat up. “Look.” He went at the end of the book, and took the ultrasound. “See?” She took the picture between her shaking hands. “This is a very tiny version of you.” He kissed her forehead. “She really loved you. She kept all those pics.” He handed her the other ultrasound.

"It doesn’t even look like a person!“ She laughed through her cries. He laughed with her.

"And…” His throat closed up as he took the pics of a very pregnant Zoey. She was on her side, exhibiting her round stomach.

Katelynn took the picture. “She was so pretty…” She felt Alan’s hold tighten around her, as he whispered “Yes…”

He didn’t even said a word, as he took out the pictures of them. They had been there since he received the book. He felt like he was stealing from her if he took them. Katelynn observed them. They seemed so happy. Through the whole book, her father seemed so different from who he was now. Now he was an adult, he was more responsible, he had moments, from a few minutes to a few weeks where he would be down, and where no one could take him out of his misery. She was the only able to make him smile, but he couldn’t be happy in those times. And then, he went better, each times. But in the book, he was a teenager, in love, and having fun. Much more like some of his friends were. Like Justin. He had never grew old. He had stayed a stupid teenager, even if he had the age of her dad.

She wrapped her arms around Alan, strongly. She didn’t commented on the tears she felt on her shoulder, or his silent sobbing. She only held him, crying with her father.

"There is something else.“ He whispered after some times. "I have something else for you.”

He stood up and walked out of her room, to come back a few minutes later, a box in his hands.

"Here. It’s yours.“

She knew he deeply loved every object her mother had left, she knew he would never give up on the book for any reason. But he was giving her this. She opened it, curious. Inside, a necklace laid. She carefully took it out. It was worn.

She saw the note in the box and took it out.

"To the person who found this, please, keep it. Maybe, one day, my daughter will ask about her genetic parents, and if one day she manage to find me, I want someone to give this to her. This is one of the most important thing I own, and please give the paper to her.
Now to you, my daughter, who is reading this: Never Take It Off is brand with meaning, they say. This one means 'Eternal Love’. Your father gave it to me. He doesn’t know about you, and I’m so sorry about that. Anyway, take this, and know that I will love you forever and always. You’re my little girl, even if we never met. It also is a kind of proof that your father loved me, so somehow, it means he loves you too. At least I like to think so.
Goodbye, my daughter. I will protect you forever, and always.
I love you, mom.”

Mom.

It was her mom’s. It was for her, and only her. It was the first time her mother had told her directly something. And the only time, ever. She was loved. All those years, even if Alan told her Zoey loved her, she was seeing her some kind of god who spoke through Alan’s voice. As if she was his goodness, and he only spoke her words. As if he was worshiping her. Which wasn’t entirely wrong.

But those words were directly for her. Her, and her only. It was the only present her mother would always gave her.