Status: I try to update once a week :) comment please
Letters
"Expecting someone?"
Honestly? It was one of my biggest mistakes. I should never have gone away, like that. I really regret it. I mean, if I had stay, I would have now some month of memories to add to those I have. And memories are all I have, now. I'm still with you, as I'm writing this. Valentine's Day is in two weeks, and I still don't know how I am gonna do. I guess you know what I did. Since, at the time you're reading, it's already over. It is strange to think that you are in the future and you know what happened. I mean, what worries me the most right now, you, you know the answer. It's weird.
Anyway, I need to focus on that story, or I'll never finish it.
So, after walking away from your house, I basically flew back to my parent's in Canada. You called me, texted me. Austin did, too. But I never answered. I really believed it was better that way. I didn't want to hurt you. Maybe I was right: I'm hurting you, now. In not so much time, I know I will have to broke up with you. I'm gonna broke your heart. Maybe I should have stayed in Canada and never come back to you. You would never have suffered because of me. I'm just wondering if you think it was worth it. For me, it was, i'm not the one hurting. But for you, it is? I guess not, since you probably hate me. I hope, when you'll understand what I did, you won't hate me so much. I really hope.
And so, I stayed some times at my parents. It was the end of the classes, so it was okay. I just went home. It felt so empty without you. So silent. Without your laugh, your smile and your craziness. Gosh, I missed you so much.
But I stayed. I kept myself updated on what was happening in your life, through twitter for you, and Of Mice & Man updates for Austin. I heard that Austin was out of the band, and I wanted so much to call, to know why, and what had happens, since he loved music so much. But I didn't. I told myself everyday that I didn't want to hurt you.
Around the end of August, you and Austin posted that video, about what you two were doing. I was so happy for you two. I knew you were probably awesome. I watched the video a hundred times, just to hear your voices. Your laughs. I missed you two. You were so funny, so happy. I was smiling seeing you happy.
The week after, or so, you published the next video. And I watched it even more. I was seeing Austin and Gielle being a couple, and it broke my heart knowing we could have done the same.
The 3rd video was updated mid September. I loved it as much as the other.
And the 20th, Gielle called on my phone. I frowned. She had never tried to contact me. I didn't answered, thinking it might be Austin, with her phone or something.
She send me text, less than two minutes after. Frowning, I opened it.
Gielle: Zoey, please you need to answer. It's Austin.
I froze. She called once again. I answered this time.
"Gosh, Zoey, you answer."
"Did... Did something happened?"
"Listen... Austin never told you, because he didn't wanted you to worry, but he's sick... It's his heart." It was obvious that she was on the verge of the tears. "He need to be operated... And it's tomorrow... I know you don't want to see us ever again, but... Alan and him really miss you, and he asked you here."
I stayed silent.
"Zoey?" She asked in her annoying voice.
I couldn't answer. My throat was dry. I hung up on her. I sat on my bed, feeling numb. Austin. Austin was going to have a surgery. On his heart. I was pretty sure he had chances to die.
Then I thought about you. About how caring, and how gentle you were. I knew you enough to know you were worried sick. I knew you were so bad.
I knew you needed someone.
All that day, I tried my best to think about something else. After all you probably had met someone else to take care of you, but somehow your words were staying in my mind. "Love doesn't happen every morning. You can't fall in love a hundred times in your life. Once, or twice maybe." I couldn't erase that sentence from my mind. I knew what I had seen in your eyes, on your birthday, it was love.
Oh and shit, I don't care about that shit. I want to be with him, he wants to be with me. I'm not even sure it will end badly. That was what I was thinking about, as I planned the plane to go back to Cali.
This plane was the longest I've ever took. It felt like hours before I finally reached Cali. And some more hours before I was standing in front of your door. I had to knock. I had to. I finally knocked, and waited.
I heard your "What?!" being groaned from the inside, but I didn't answered.
"I'm not in the mood for your shit, so just-" You stopped dead as you saw me.
I couldn't spoke. You were just there. In front of me. With your cute beanie on your hair. with a simple shirt, and a jean. Nothing much. But I had never seen you more handsome than at this exact moment.
"Expecting someone?" I asked.
You just stared at me, unable to talk.
"Can I... Can I go in?" I asked.
You went on the side, to let me in, but didn't say a word. Your eyes were fixed on me. I went to the living room, and sat on the couch. You stayed, standing on your feet.
"Please, sit, Alan..."
You sat down next to me.
"I..." I didn't know what to say.
"Why?" You whispered.
I looked away. "I didn't wanted to hurt you."
"You did."
"If I stay, it's going to be worst."
"How can you know?"
"I don't but, that possible... It's just..." I stopped there.
"It's just what, Zoey? You don't like me? Okay, I get it. Don't need to come back right now to tell me. I know."
"That's not true. That's not why I left."
"Fucking just tell me, then!" You were pretty angry. But I understood. I felt the tears coming out of my eyes.
"I'm sick, Alan."
You stopped dead, and stared at me.
"Like... Like Austin is. Gielle told me he was going through surgery tomorrow... And I though you needed someone as much as I needed you, because you love Austin, and so even if that's stupid I came back, and I should leave now, because it's a huge mistake... And I just wanted to know how Austin was, and how you were, but I'm just making you angry, and I'm making everything worst and I-" You once again shut me up with your lips. The tears on my cheeks became instantly tears of happiness. My arms went on your back as I kissed you back. After some minutes, you pulled back.
"Don't go." You simply said. And that was it. At this exact moment, I knew I would never have the strength to go.
"I stay" And you kissed me again. "How is Austin?" I asked as we pulled away.
"Well... As good as he can be, I mean, he's going to have a surgery tomorrow morning so..."
"Can we go see him? I mean, it will cheer him up, I'm sure and I-" I was standing up but you took my arm to stop me.
"If you're sick enough to run away like that, I deserve to know."
I sat back down, and stared at my hands.
"I-I have an illness... my-my heart. It is... Not working good. And..." I looked up at your face, as I talked, but I stopped. I couldn't talk, my throat was dry. The look on your face. Fear. Fear of loosing me. Fear of loosing Austin. All I wanted was to make you smile, to cheer you up. I couldn't stand being the reason of so much sadness on your face. I came from Canada only to cheer you up, and instead I almost made you cry. Because you were on the verge of the tears. I couldn't stand it. All I wanted was your smile. I felt like such a failure.
"Is it... as serious as Austin?" You whispered.
My heart skipped one or two beats. You know, all I wanted was your smile. And even if it was surely the stupidest thing I've ever done, I did it.
"No," I lied "no it's... almost okay. I mean, I just can't go on roller coaster, and I can't do sports too much, but that's all. There isn't any risks or anything."
I was lying. It was breaking my heart, and I felt so bad. I shouldn't be laying to you. I should be telling you that it was different from Austin, but as serious. But I just couldn't.
A smile went on your face.
I smiled back. That was exactly why I had lied. To make you smile.
"Is it really, really not so bad?" You asked.
I pulled my arms around you, to hide my face from yours.
"I promise" I lied.
You had a sad look on your face. "I'm sorry for you" you said.
I shrugged trying my best to conserve a smile on my face. You kissed me. I kissed you back.
"We should go see Austin." You told me. I nodded.
***
We went to the hospital, since they told him they had to keep him for the night before, to be sure everything was good for the surgery.
Alan opened the door, and walked to Austin, as I stayed hid from Austin's sight.
"Hey man." Austin said. He sounded tired, and anxious.
"Man, I have a surprise for you." It was like your voice was smiling. It just made me smile. And I felt so stupid to have left you. Next to you was the place I belonged.
"What?" Austin asked.
"Just close your eyes." You told him.
I waited, still hidden, until you made a move, to tell me to come in.
I walked in silence inside. "What the fuck are you planning?" Austin said, and even if he talked like he was annoyed, it was obvious that he was happy. I went next to him, and kissed his forehead.
His eyes shot open, not expecting this. I smiled my best smile at him. He was shocked. Then the biggest smile ever grew on his face.
"Oh my God, Zoey!" He said as he threw his arms at me.
I hugged him close, smiling like crazy.
"You're back?" he asked.
"I'm back." I nodded.
"For good?"
I nodded.
"That's sooo cool! Why did you came back?"
"Gielle called me, yesterday... And I figured out you would want to see me."
"Are you trying to make me believe that you came back only for me?" He asked me, with the 'Are you kidding me?' look. Head on the side, an eyebrow up.
"Okay" I said, blushing a bit. "I kind of knew this fucker would need me even more." I pointed at Alan, who chuckled.
"He needed you even before I was there." Austin said, and I looked at the floor. "Anyway, I'm so glad you're here. You're the best. I really really love you, you know?"
I was able to sea the fear deep down into his eyes. I knew why he was saying that. In case he wouldn't wake up.
"I know. I love you too, man." I kissed his forehead. I sat on the chair next to the bed, and I saw you staring at me, with a blank expression. "I'm sorry for running away."
"Why did you do it, then?"
I looked away. "Did you ever think that like, you're going to hurt people who loves you, because of your sickness? Did you ever thought that maybe, it was better for them to be away, so they wouldn't be hurt if something happened to you?"
Austin's eyes were big. "Do you mean that you...?" I smilpy nodded.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
We all stayed silent. A nurse came, with a big smile on her face, and then asked us to go, so Austin could rest before the surgery.
You smiled to him. "See you tomorrow" That was enough. I saw the tears in Austin's eyes. I took your hands in mine, once we were out of his room. You held it tight.
"Did you see?" You asked.
"See what?"
"Gielle wasn't there."
I covered my mouth. "Where is she? Why isn't she here? He's her husband."
You gave me a sad smile. "Things have a bit changed since you ran away."
"What you mean?" I frowned.
"Austin don't want to see it. He refuses to face it, he hopes he's wrong, hopes she's gonna change, and come back. But somehow, I know she's already with another guy."
"Shit... What a bitch! He needs her right now!"
"Yeah, but if he still mattered for her she would be there. She's a bitch."
We walked out of the hospital, then sat down in the car, in silence. You didn't start the car.
"Where are we going?" You asked.
"We can... Go to the bar? or in a restaurant?..." I proposed.
You shook your head. "I'm not really in the mood, sorry."
"That's okay. How about some films at your house?"
"Sounds cool."
Anyway, I need to focus on that story, or I'll never finish it.
So, after walking away from your house, I basically flew back to my parent's in Canada. You called me, texted me. Austin did, too. But I never answered. I really believed it was better that way. I didn't want to hurt you. Maybe I was right: I'm hurting you, now. In not so much time, I know I will have to broke up with you. I'm gonna broke your heart. Maybe I should have stayed in Canada and never come back to you. You would never have suffered because of me. I'm just wondering if you think it was worth it. For me, it was, i'm not the one hurting. But for you, it is? I guess not, since you probably hate me. I hope, when you'll understand what I did, you won't hate me so much. I really hope.
And so, I stayed some times at my parents. It was the end of the classes, so it was okay. I just went home. It felt so empty without you. So silent. Without your laugh, your smile and your craziness. Gosh, I missed you so much.
But I stayed. I kept myself updated on what was happening in your life, through twitter for you, and Of Mice & Man updates for Austin. I heard that Austin was out of the band, and I wanted so much to call, to know why, and what had happens, since he loved music so much. But I didn't. I told myself everyday that I didn't want to hurt you.
Around the end of August, you and Austin posted that video, about what you two were doing. I was so happy for you two. I knew you were probably awesome. I watched the video a hundred times, just to hear your voices. Your laughs. I missed you two. You were so funny, so happy. I was smiling seeing you happy.
The week after, or so, you published the next video. And I watched it even more. I was seeing Austin and Gielle being a couple, and it broke my heart knowing we could have done the same.
The 3rd video was updated mid September. I loved it as much as the other.
And the 20th, Gielle called on my phone. I frowned. She had never tried to contact me. I didn't answered, thinking it might be Austin, with her phone or something.
She send me text, less than two minutes after. Frowning, I opened it.
Gielle: Zoey, please you need to answer. It's Austin.
I froze. She called once again. I answered this time.
"Gosh, Zoey, you answer."
"Did... Did something happened?"
"Listen... Austin never told you, because he didn't wanted you to worry, but he's sick... It's his heart." It was obvious that she was on the verge of the tears. "He need to be operated... And it's tomorrow... I know you don't want to see us ever again, but... Alan and him really miss you, and he asked you here."
I stayed silent.
"Zoey?" She asked in her annoying voice.
I couldn't answer. My throat was dry. I hung up on her. I sat on my bed, feeling numb. Austin. Austin was going to have a surgery. On his heart. I was pretty sure he had chances to die.
Then I thought about you. About how caring, and how gentle you were. I knew you enough to know you were worried sick. I knew you were so bad.
I knew you needed someone.
All that day, I tried my best to think about something else. After all you probably had met someone else to take care of you, but somehow your words were staying in my mind. "Love doesn't happen every morning. You can't fall in love a hundred times in your life. Once, or twice maybe." I couldn't erase that sentence from my mind. I knew what I had seen in your eyes, on your birthday, it was love.
Oh and shit, I don't care about that shit. I want to be with him, he wants to be with me. I'm not even sure it will end badly. That was what I was thinking about, as I planned the plane to go back to Cali.
This plane was the longest I've ever took. It felt like hours before I finally reached Cali. And some more hours before I was standing in front of your door. I had to knock. I had to. I finally knocked, and waited.
I heard your "What?!" being groaned from the inside, but I didn't answered.
"I'm not in the mood for your shit, so just-" You stopped dead as you saw me.
I couldn't spoke. You were just there. In front of me. With your cute beanie on your hair. with a simple shirt, and a jean. Nothing much. But I had never seen you more handsome than at this exact moment.
"Expecting someone?" I asked.
You just stared at me, unable to talk.
"Can I... Can I go in?" I asked.
You went on the side, to let me in, but didn't say a word. Your eyes were fixed on me. I went to the living room, and sat on the couch. You stayed, standing on your feet.
"Please, sit, Alan..."
You sat down next to me.
"I..." I didn't know what to say.
"Why?" You whispered.
I looked away. "I didn't wanted to hurt you."
"You did."
"If I stay, it's going to be worst."
"How can you know?"
"I don't but, that possible... It's just..." I stopped there.
"It's just what, Zoey? You don't like me? Okay, I get it. Don't need to come back right now to tell me. I know."
"That's not true. That's not why I left."
"Fucking just tell me, then!" You were pretty angry. But I understood. I felt the tears coming out of my eyes.
"I'm sick, Alan."
You stopped dead, and stared at me.
"Like... Like Austin is. Gielle told me he was going through surgery tomorrow... And I though you needed someone as much as I needed you, because you love Austin, and so even if that's stupid I came back, and I should leave now, because it's a huge mistake... And I just wanted to know how Austin was, and how you were, but I'm just making you angry, and I'm making everything worst and I-" You once again shut me up with your lips. The tears on my cheeks became instantly tears of happiness. My arms went on your back as I kissed you back. After some minutes, you pulled back.
"Don't go." You simply said. And that was it. At this exact moment, I knew I would never have the strength to go.
"I stay" And you kissed me again. "How is Austin?" I asked as we pulled away.
"Well... As good as he can be, I mean, he's going to have a surgery tomorrow morning so..."
"Can we go see him? I mean, it will cheer him up, I'm sure and I-" I was standing up but you took my arm to stop me.
"If you're sick enough to run away like that, I deserve to know."
I sat back down, and stared at my hands.
"I-I have an illness... my-my heart. It is... Not working good. And..." I looked up at your face, as I talked, but I stopped. I couldn't talk, my throat was dry. The look on your face. Fear. Fear of loosing me. Fear of loosing Austin. All I wanted was to make you smile, to cheer you up. I couldn't stand being the reason of so much sadness on your face. I came from Canada only to cheer you up, and instead I almost made you cry. Because you were on the verge of the tears. I couldn't stand it. All I wanted was your smile. I felt like such a failure.
"Is it... as serious as Austin?" You whispered.
My heart skipped one or two beats. You know, all I wanted was your smile. And even if it was surely the stupidest thing I've ever done, I did it.
"No," I lied "no it's... almost okay. I mean, I just can't go on roller coaster, and I can't do sports too much, but that's all. There isn't any risks or anything."
I was lying. It was breaking my heart, and I felt so bad. I shouldn't be laying to you. I should be telling you that it was different from Austin, but as serious. But I just couldn't.
A smile went on your face.
I smiled back. That was exactly why I had lied. To make you smile.
"Is it really, really not so bad?" You asked.
I pulled my arms around you, to hide my face from yours.
"I promise" I lied.
You had a sad look on your face. "I'm sorry for you" you said.
I shrugged trying my best to conserve a smile on my face. You kissed me. I kissed you back.
"We should go see Austin." You told me. I nodded.
***
We went to the hospital, since they told him they had to keep him for the night before, to be sure everything was good for the surgery.
Alan opened the door, and walked to Austin, as I stayed hid from Austin's sight.
"Hey man." Austin said. He sounded tired, and anxious.
"Man, I have a surprise for you." It was like your voice was smiling. It just made me smile. And I felt so stupid to have left you. Next to you was the place I belonged.
"What?" Austin asked.
"Just close your eyes." You told him.
I waited, still hidden, until you made a move, to tell me to come in.
I walked in silence inside. "What the fuck are you planning?" Austin said, and even if he talked like he was annoyed, it was obvious that he was happy. I went next to him, and kissed his forehead.
His eyes shot open, not expecting this. I smiled my best smile at him. He was shocked. Then the biggest smile ever grew on his face.
"Oh my God, Zoey!" He said as he threw his arms at me.
I hugged him close, smiling like crazy.
"You're back?" he asked.
"I'm back." I nodded.
"For good?"
I nodded.
"That's sooo cool! Why did you came back?"
"Gielle called me, yesterday... And I figured out you would want to see me."
"Are you trying to make me believe that you came back only for me?" He asked me, with the 'Are you kidding me?' look. Head on the side, an eyebrow up.
"Okay" I said, blushing a bit. "I kind of knew this fucker would need me even more." I pointed at Alan, who chuckled.
"He needed you even before I was there." Austin said, and I looked at the floor. "Anyway, I'm so glad you're here. You're the best. I really really love you, you know?"
I was able to sea the fear deep down into his eyes. I knew why he was saying that. In case he wouldn't wake up.
"I know. I love you too, man." I kissed his forehead. I sat on the chair next to the bed, and I saw you staring at me, with a blank expression. "I'm sorry for running away."
"Why did you do it, then?"
I looked away. "Did you ever think that like, you're going to hurt people who loves you, because of your sickness? Did you ever thought that maybe, it was better for them to be away, so they wouldn't be hurt if something happened to you?"
Austin's eyes were big. "Do you mean that you...?" I smilpy nodded.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
We all stayed silent. A nurse came, with a big smile on her face, and then asked us to go, so Austin could rest before the surgery.
You smiled to him. "See you tomorrow" That was enough. I saw the tears in Austin's eyes. I took your hands in mine, once we were out of his room. You held it tight.
"Did you see?" You asked.
"See what?"
"Gielle wasn't there."
I covered my mouth. "Where is she? Why isn't she here? He's her husband."
You gave me a sad smile. "Things have a bit changed since you ran away."
"What you mean?" I frowned.
"Austin don't want to see it. He refuses to face it, he hopes he's wrong, hopes she's gonna change, and come back. But somehow, I know she's already with another guy."
"Shit... What a bitch! He needs her right now!"
"Yeah, but if he still mattered for her she would be there. She's a bitch."
We walked out of the hospital, then sat down in the car, in silence. You didn't start the car.
"Where are we going?" You asked.
"We can... Go to the bar? or in a restaurant?..." I proposed.
You shook your head. "I'm not really in the mood, sorry."
"That's okay. How about some films at your house?"
"Sounds cool."
♠ ♠ ♠
Here it is :)Have a nice day