In Loving Memory

Brian,

I miss you. Every single goddamn day. It still feels so raw. I miss you so much it hurts, it physically hurts. Why did you have to go and leave me like that?

I love you.
Forever yours,
Jen

It had been three months, three long and lonely months since Brian had gone. Going against the advice of her friends and family, she had stayed locked up in the new apartment she had bought right after he died. Playing old Metallica records and crying herself to sleep. It wasn’t healthy, but she didn’t seem to care about herself any longer, her head filled with Brian. His smiling face, his voice, his beautiful brown eyes.

The wallowing and self-pity had lasted for a further four weeks, until she’d gotten sick. She’d panicked at first, thinking the cancer had come back, and wouldn’t that just suck. Taking herself off to the doctor, she’d been shocked to discover she was in fact, pregnant. Leaving the surgery in a daze, she’d gone straight to the one place she knew would comfort her.

Brian’s grave.

Spending endless hours talking to him, crying for him, she left and went to his parents’ house, sharing the news and accepting their warmth. Driving home, she’d passed a mother and her son on the sidewalk, watching them as she waited for the light to turn green. That would be her in six months’ time. Could she do it, alone?

There was no question about whether she would keep the pregnancy or not, she was lucky to even get pregnant after all the chemo and radiotherapy she’d gone through. And carrying Brian’s baby, she felt like he’d left a piece of himself with her, a piece to cherish and love. Hell would freeze over before she even thought about not having it.

She’d taken to writing letters to Brian each month, updating him on her life, and the pregnancy, letting him know she was holding up okay.

Brian,

It’s been four months, now, I still miss you so much. But it’s getting a little easier each day.
And hey, I have some good news for a change. You’re going to be a daddy! Yeah, you left me a little present before you left, huh? I’m doing well, baby’s doing well.

We miss you.
Love you always,
Jen

Her six month check-up had gone smoothly, the doctor letting her know that she was in fact having a little boy. She’d known already though, her gut telling her she was carrying a mini Brian. And of course, he would want a son to carry on his legacy.

Brian

Baby is getting bigger and bigger each day, I swear he’s going to be a football player, the amount he kicks me. I went to the park today, and I swore I could hear your voice in the wind, like you were calling out to me. But I realised how stupid that was, and cried. I listen to your old demos all the time, play them for the baby. He kicks hardest during ‘Bat Country’.

I miss you more each day; love you more and more each day. I never knew what loneliness was until you left, you were always, just there. I come home sometimes, thinking I’ll see your smiling face waiting for me. Then I remember, and memories flood me. I close my eyes and I can hear you, talking to me, singing in my ear as we lie together. Those memories make me smile. You left a part of yourself with me, your son. I’ll make sure he knows, every day of his life, how amazing his daddy is.

I remember your sweet voice, singing to me when I felt down or weak. Your song carries me on; it lifts me up on bad days. I’ll never forget your song, Brian.

I still carry a picture of you with me, everywhere I go. You were my one true love, always there to lift me up when I was down, share my joys with. I will never, ever, forget you, could never forget you. I still love you more than words can say. But I know you’re in a better place now, free from pain and anguish. You’ll always live on, through your son. But more importantly, in my heart, you always will.

I’m sorry if this letter seems a little all over the place, my head is all jumbled up. I guess I want to get everything in before the baby comes. It’ll be any day now. I probably won’t have much time at all to write you when he’s here. But I want you to know, I’ll always be thinking of you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, I’ll never forget you, or us.

Yours, always.
Jen.

At just over nine months pregnant, Jen was grumpy and uncomfortable, but she was among friends and family, people who had loved Brian. Shortly after she had found out about the baby, Brian’s friends came back into the picture, offering to help her with the mundane chores or jobs around the house. She quickly realised why Brian had liked them so much, they were a great bunch of guys. They had taken her under their wing and loved her.

She was currently at Brian’s Snr’s house, along with her new found family, celebrating what would have been Brian’s thirty second birthday. She’d tried to stay as positive as she could throughout the day, plastering a fake smile on her face when his family asked how she was, how the baby was doing.

Snr was flipping burgers on the grill when he noticed the faraway look on Jen’s face, downing tools and easing into the chair next to her. “How’re you doing, Jenny?”

She blinked, startled at the voice and smiled at him. He had given her that nickname shortly after she’d found out about the baby, his own unique name for her. “Fine thanks, dad.”

Snr arched a brow and rested his chin atop his fist, seeing right through her. “And now are you going to tell me how you really feel?”

Sighing, Jen smiled again, a sad smile. “I miss him, Papa. He should be here, with his friends and family, celebrating his day.”

“I know, sweets. But you know, he’s looking down on all of us right now, shaking his head at Jimmy for drinking too much already.” Taking her hand in his, he pressed a sweet kiss to her knuckle. “How’s Junior II doing in there?”

“He doesn’t seem to want out anytime soon,” she huffed, brushing her hair back off her face. “I’ve been getting pains, but none so severe to warrant a hospital visit.” She’d woken up that morning with a dull ache right at the bottom of her belly, getting progressively worse throughout the day.

“That’s my son’s offspring, stubborn right til the end.”

Feeling pressure against her bladder, Jen excused herself and made her way to the bathroom, waddling and holding her lower back. Right before she could get her pants down, however, she felt, and heard, a gush of water. Panicking, she staggered over to the bathroom window, pushing it open.

“Guys! I think baby’s coming!”

Seven of them had somehow managed to squeeze themselves into Matt’s car, Jen in the front, puffing and panting as contractions ripped through her lower half. Zack was sat in the middle in the back of the car, letting her squeeze a death grip onto his hand. They’d made it to the hospital in eight minutes flat, Jen obsessing over the fact that she didn’t have her baby bag or birthing plan.

Carrying her in through the emergency entrance, doctors and nurses were soon swarming around her, Brian and Suzy, the boys, bringing up the rear. She asked for Suzy to come into the birthing suite with her, thinking Snr and his sense of humour might be a little too much. The nurses prepped her, telling her she was nine centimetres dilated and that she’d have to wait until she got to ten. Frustrated and in pain, she sobbed her way through contraction after contraction, crying for Brian to be there.

Just shy of ten hours later, she was at ten centimetres and ready to give birth. Her friends had been notified, all ready to meet the little boy that would carry on their best friend’s life. Jimmy was slumped in a corner, still half drunk, sucking on Oreos he’d found in Matt’s car. Zack and Snr were pacing, nervous and excited all at the same time. Matt was the epitome of cool, going back and forth Jen’s room whenever she requested something to eat or drink.

Holding onto Suzy’s hand, she bore down and pushed like her life depended on it, screaming and crying, sweat pumping out of her. Suzy did the best she could, but knew if Jen had it her way, she wouldn’t even be there.

Sucking on the gas and air, Jen clenched her teeth and pushed one final time, flopping back onto her bed with a sigh of relief as she heard her son’s first cries. The nurses placed him on her chest and she smiled wide, pushing a lock of dark brown hair off his little face, tears welling up in her eyes. “You’re beautiful, Elwin, just like your daddy was.”

Shortly after the nurses had taken Elwin to be cleaned up and weighed, Jen felt her chest go tight, struggling to catch her breath. Suzy noticed and called to the nurses, alarmed as Jen’s eyes rolled into the back of her head. Alarms started sounding, shrill in the air, monitors bleeping, anguished and scared shouts. “She’s losing too much blood. Get the crash team!”

Everything went black for a moment, deathly silent. Blinking her eyes open, Jen found herself at the park where she first met Brian, confused, wondering what was going on and where her baby was.

“He’s doing fine.”

She jumped at the sound of Brian’s voice, spinning around to see him sat next to her, smiling. “Brian?!”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

“What? I don’t understand.” She panicked, refusing to believe what was going on in her head.

“Try to breathe.” Shuffling closer to her, he took her into his arms, smoothing her hair back. “You blacked out, lost too much blood.”

Tears spilling down her face, she looked up into his beautiful brown eyes, shining back at her with as much love as she held for him. “I miss you, I love you! God, I miss you!” She was babbling, not making much sense, fingers clawing at his face.

“Shh, it’s alright. Just relax or you won’t make it,” he cooed, kissing her tears away. “I miss you too, every damn day. But I’m always there, ya know. You might not be able to see me, but I’m there. I could never leave you.” He smiled down at her, rubbing their noses together. “Thanks for the letters, by the way.”

“Oh, Brian.” Jen choked on a sob, chest heaving as they wracked through her.

A few moments had passed, how long, she didn’t know. Didn’t really care. She was in Brian’s arms, the only place she wanted to be. He rocked her back and forth, his scent flooding her, soothing her, comforting her like a warm hug. She knew she had to go back soon, her son needed her. But she didn’t want him to leave, not again. “He’s beautiful, just like you.”

“I know, I saw.” Pressing a kiss to her hair, he sighed. “I’m not ready for you yet, baby. You have to go back and look after our son.”

Turning to face him, she cupped his cheek, smoothing the pad of her thumb across his warm skin. Pressing her lips to his, she melted into his arms, clinging onto him for dear life. She knew they didn’t have long, felt it in her gut, in her heart. Kissing her forehead, he wiped her tears away, kissing her each cheek, the tip of her nose. “You have to go back now,” he whispered.

“But I don’t want to!” She cried, vision turning blurry.

Tears now fell freely down both of their cheeks, Brian gripping her tightly. “Remember what I told you before I left? Look up into the night sky, and I’ll be the biggest star, shining down on you, loving you, watching over you. I’ll never be far away.”

“I love you, Brian, so much.”

“I love you, too. And our son. Go and be the most amazing mother I know you can be.”

A white light surrounded her then, so bright that it almost blinded her. Frowning, she swallowed, hearing the monotonous beep of a machine, moving her tongue around a tube in her mouth.

“She’s awake!” Opening her eyes, she blinked rapidly, adjusting to the light of the room. Watching Snr and Suzy jump out of their chairs by her bed, she smiled as much as she could around the breathing apparatus in her mouth and lifted her hand for them to hold. “Oh honey, we thought we’d lost you.”

A little while later, Jen had been taken off the ventilator, sitting up in bed, nursing her baby boy. Snr stood back and raised his camera, wanting to get a picture of mother and son for the scrap book he planned to make to show his grandson when he was old enough, in memory of Brian. Snapping the picture, he gasped, shocked to see not two people, but three.

Jen and the baby, and one, Brian Haner Jr, looking down on his family with a big smile on his face.

Because even though no one could see him, Brian would always be there.

Always.