He's Mine
december 13th 8:06 pm; someone call my mom
“Are you mad at me, Ray?”
He rested his head up against the locker next to mine and looked at me with those eyes. You know, the ones that made me fall for him in the first place. His voice was brittle, a whisper almost. And without looking at him, I just shook my head.
“Oh…ok.” He turned again and slid down the locker a bit, still towering over me and played with the bottom hem of his shirt a little bit before questioning me again. “Then...why are you calling me Julian?”
“Huh?”
“It’s just….you haven’t been call me Juju lately. You’ve always called me Juju. I was thinking maybe you’re mad at me about something.”
I honestly hadn’t even noticed but I guess it was also one of those things you don’t realize until after its been brought to your attention.
“What would I be mad about?”
He shrugged then, picking at his fidgeting fingers. “I don’t know…something? I know you’re mad at Tyler but you won’t tell him so I thought…maybe…that’s why you’re mad at me too.”
It was at that moment that I realized that all of my rage was just…gone. I have no idea where it went, but I didn’t feel it anymore. A few days ago I would have wanted to gauge his eyes out, but when he said that… I felt nothing.
Actually, that’s a lie. I did feel something. Something that I hadn’t felt in a really long time.
I turned and looked him in the eye with the biggest fake smile I could conjure up, raise my hand to his face, and ran my fingers down his cheek.
“Julia—Juju, I’m not mad, okay? I’m not mad, I promise.”
And I thought maybe he’d believe me but he didn’t. Instead I saw his beautiful brown eyes gloss over and fill with tears.
“You know.”
It wasn’t a question and I didn’t have to answer.
“I’m not mad.” I smiled again.
“Ray, I am so sor—“
“I’m not mad, Juju.” That time I said it more forcefully. I didn’t need his tears. I didn’t need his sorrys. I didn’t need anything from him.
He nodded and silently wiped away his tears with the back of his palms as I continued.
“I waited for you. I trusted you. I loved you. So no Julian…I’m not mad. I’m hurt. My heart hurts.”
“Ray—“
“Let me finish.” I snapped. “I thought that I needed you. I put you on this pedestal and somehow convinced myself that as long as you were happy, then so was I. But it never once crossed my mind that you’d be happy, while continuing to hurt me.”
“You don’t understand Ray, I—“
“Let. Me. Finish. Julian..” I could see people out the corners of my eye starting to stare at us in the halls. “I don’t care. I don’t care about anything about it. I don’t care how it started. I don’t care if you’re going to end it. I really just care anymore. I don’t think you’re a nice person anymore. If I’m being honest, I think you’re really mean Juju. The worst, actually. I don’t be around you anymore. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want look at you. I don’t want you to text or call me anymore. The only thing I want from you is for you to come get your shit from my house and then never breathe in my direction again.”
His hands were shaking as he placed one over his moth to keep from sobbing. I had only seen him like this one other time. I always thought I was the only one who’d ever be able to make him feel better. I thought I was his shoulder to cry on. He still had Tyler, I guess. That was who he chose.
“Please…please Ray…let me just—“
“I'm not mad, but I deserve better than you, juju. I don’t need you. And I don’t want you anymore, ok?”
And he nodded. Though all of his tears, less than half of all of the ones I’d shed for him, he just nodded.
With that I walked away. I left him there crying against the lockers. I didn’t even feel like myself. I felt like someone who I’ve always wanted to be. Strong and confident….and worthy of love. Love from others and most importantly, myself. I felt great. It was like a high I had never experienced before.
And the highest highs always have the lowest lows. I can’t stop shaking, I swear I might die.
He rested his head up against the locker next to mine and looked at me with those eyes. You know, the ones that made me fall for him in the first place. His voice was brittle, a whisper almost. And without looking at him, I just shook my head.
“Oh…ok.” He turned again and slid down the locker a bit, still towering over me and played with the bottom hem of his shirt a little bit before questioning me again. “Then...why are you calling me Julian?”
“Huh?”
“It’s just….you haven’t been call me Juju lately. You’ve always called me Juju. I was thinking maybe you’re mad at me about something.”
I honestly hadn’t even noticed but I guess it was also one of those things you don’t realize until after its been brought to your attention.
“What would I be mad about?”
He shrugged then, picking at his fidgeting fingers. “I don’t know…something? I know you’re mad at Tyler but you won’t tell him so I thought…maybe…that’s why you’re mad at me too.”
It was at that moment that I realized that all of my rage was just…gone. I have no idea where it went, but I didn’t feel it anymore. A few days ago I would have wanted to gauge his eyes out, but when he said that… I felt nothing.
Actually, that’s a lie. I did feel something. Something that I hadn’t felt in a really long time.
I turned and looked him in the eye with the biggest fake smile I could conjure up, raise my hand to his face, and ran my fingers down his cheek.
“Julia—Juju, I’m not mad, okay? I’m not mad, I promise.”
And I thought maybe he’d believe me but he didn’t. Instead I saw his beautiful brown eyes gloss over and fill with tears.
“You know.”
It wasn’t a question and I didn’t have to answer.
“I’m not mad.” I smiled again.
“Ray, I am so sor—“
“I’m not mad, Juju.” That time I said it more forcefully. I didn’t need his tears. I didn’t need his sorrys. I didn’t need anything from him.
He nodded and silently wiped away his tears with the back of his palms as I continued.
“I waited for you. I trusted you. I loved you. So no Julian…I’m not mad. I’m hurt. My heart hurts.”
“Ray—“
“Let me finish.” I snapped. “I thought that I needed you. I put you on this pedestal and somehow convinced myself that as long as you were happy, then so was I. But it never once crossed my mind that you’d be happy, while continuing to hurt me.”
“You don’t understand Ray, I—“
“Let. Me. Finish. Julian..” I could see people out the corners of my eye starting to stare at us in the halls. “I don’t care. I don’t care about anything about it. I don’t care how it started. I don’t care if you’re going to end it. I really just care anymore. I don’t think you’re a nice person anymore. If I’m being honest, I think you’re really mean Juju. The worst, actually. I don’t be around you anymore. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want look at you. I don’t want you to text or call me anymore. The only thing I want from you is for you to come get your shit from my house and then never breathe in my direction again.”
His hands were shaking as he placed one over his moth to keep from sobbing. I had only seen him like this one other time. I always thought I was the only one who’d ever be able to make him feel better. I thought I was his shoulder to cry on. He still had Tyler, I guess. That was who he chose.
“Please…please Ray…let me just—“
“I'm not mad, but I deserve better than you, juju. I don’t need you. And I don’t want you anymore, ok?”
And he nodded. Though all of his tears, less than half of all of the ones I’d shed for him, he just nodded.
With that I walked away. I left him there crying against the lockers. I didn’t even feel like myself. I felt like someone who I’ve always wanted to be. Strong and confident….and worthy of love. Love from others and most importantly, myself. I felt great. It was like a high I had never experienced before.
And the highest highs always have the lowest lows. I can’t stop shaking, I swear I might die.