I Remember
Chapter 11
I started to really worry Bam over the next few weeks. He would find me crying in a closet or rocking back and forth, mumbling to myself. It wasn’t that I was going crazy; it was I just didn’t know how to understand the dreams I was having. My mind was racing every second I was awake and when I slept, I was alone with Ville and happy.
I walked down the familiar path, as I did every night, running into Ville’s warm embrace.
“Angel, why are you so sad tonight?” Ville asked, placing his hands on my face.
“I am starting to think I’m losing it. I can’t stop thinking about you and the time we spend together every night,” I replied placing a kiss on his soft lips.
“The time we share is precious and I love being able to see you. Is there something wrong in that?”
“No, but I don’t know how long I can go on knowing that I will wake up alone,” I spoke, tears running down my cheeks.
“As I have said before you are never alone,” his voice was soft.
“You have the kids and Bam with you, always. I am also there just not physically.”
“I know that, but it still doesn’t change how I feel. I hate not having you there with me, to make my feel better when something goes wrong. I hate not being able to hold and kiss you. I hate that we will never have another night alone together as man and wife. I hate god for taking you from me. I hate the world for loving you more after your death, rather than before it. I hate myself for living,” I said, tears pouring from my eyes. Ville looked at me with sadness in his eyes.
“If you feel this way, then why live?” he asked, a serious tone taking over his voice.
“I only live for the kids. If I were to die, who would take care of them?” I asked looking into his eyes.
“Bam would, you know he would. He would never question it. He would take them as his own and continue to raise them as we would have.”
“I know, but I could never leave Bam with that kind of burden. Cause that is what it would be to him, a burden.”
“I don’t think you know Bam as well as you think you do. He would do anything for you, all you would have to do is ask.” I pondered that for a moment and realized that he was right.
“You’re right; he would do anything for me. But I never want to have to ask that of him. How can you say to someone who thinks you are going crazy, “would you take care of my kids if I ever died?” I could never ask that, he would have me committed in a heart beat.”
“Whoever said about asking him? Just change your will and put Bam as the guardian of the kids in the event of your death,” Ville said as he pushed a bit of hair behind his ear.
“Ville, you always know what to do.”
“I am for you.”
I awoke from the dream and quickly got dressed and went to go have my will changed. Originally in the event of my death my parents were to take care of the kids, but my parents had died a few years back. So I change my will, leaving Bam as the guardian of my children. While at the attorney’s office I gave the will another once over, making sure that everything was in order, before taking my copy home.
I went home and hid my will where I knew Bam could never find it. I had so many things to think about, that I felt like my head was going to explode. The kids would be home in a week and I had ignored Bam for a long time. I figured I best go talk to him, make things between us better. I walked into Pirate bar and found him on the couch reading a skate magazine.
“Hey Bam,” I said, taking a seat next to him.
“Hey yourself,” he said putting the magazine down.
“I just wanted to come down and talk, if that is okay with you?”
“I wanted to talk to you too. I’m worried about you Angel. You spend most of your time sleeping and when you are not sleeping I find you crying in a corner somewhere,” Bam said as he sat up.
“I know Bam and I am sorry. I am just having a hard time right now.”
“Angel, you weren’t even this bad right after his death. This is ten times worse than I have ever seen you in the past 10 years.”
“Bam, I don’t know what to tell you except that I will be okay. Everything will be fine, I just need a little time,” I said, hoping I convinced him I would be fine.
“If you ever need anything, and I mean anything, don’t be afraid to ask me, okay?”
“I will Bam, I will,” I said as I got up and placed a light kiss on his lips.
“Thanks,” I said exiting the room.
I went back to my room and laid on the bed, trying to sort out my thoughts. I didn’t get very far because soon I fell asleep.
I walked down the familiar path, as I did every night, running into Ville’s warm embrace.
“Angel, why are you so sad tonight?” Ville asked, placing his hands on my face.
“I am starting to think I’m losing it. I can’t stop thinking about you and the time we spend together every night,” I replied placing a kiss on his soft lips.
“The time we share is precious and I love being able to see you. Is there something wrong in that?”
“No, but I don’t know how long I can go on knowing that I will wake up alone,” I spoke, tears running down my cheeks.
“As I have said before you are never alone,” his voice was soft.
“You have the kids and Bam with you, always. I am also there just not physically.”
“I know that, but it still doesn’t change how I feel. I hate not having you there with me, to make my feel better when something goes wrong. I hate not being able to hold and kiss you. I hate that we will never have another night alone together as man and wife. I hate god for taking you from me. I hate the world for loving you more after your death, rather than before it. I hate myself for living,” I said, tears pouring from my eyes. Ville looked at me with sadness in his eyes.
“If you feel this way, then why live?” he asked, a serious tone taking over his voice.
“I only live for the kids. If I were to die, who would take care of them?” I asked looking into his eyes.
“Bam would, you know he would. He would never question it. He would take them as his own and continue to raise them as we would have.”
“I know, but I could never leave Bam with that kind of burden. Cause that is what it would be to him, a burden.”
“I don’t think you know Bam as well as you think you do. He would do anything for you, all you would have to do is ask.” I pondered that for a moment and realized that he was right.
“You’re right; he would do anything for me. But I never want to have to ask that of him. How can you say to someone who thinks you are going crazy, “would you take care of my kids if I ever died?” I could never ask that, he would have me committed in a heart beat.”
“Whoever said about asking him? Just change your will and put Bam as the guardian of the kids in the event of your death,” Ville said as he pushed a bit of hair behind his ear.
“Ville, you always know what to do.”
“I am for you.”
I awoke from the dream and quickly got dressed and went to go have my will changed. Originally in the event of my death my parents were to take care of the kids, but my parents had died a few years back. So I change my will, leaving Bam as the guardian of my children. While at the attorney’s office I gave the will another once over, making sure that everything was in order, before taking my copy home.
I went home and hid my will where I knew Bam could never find it. I had so many things to think about, that I felt like my head was going to explode. The kids would be home in a week and I had ignored Bam for a long time. I figured I best go talk to him, make things between us better. I walked into Pirate bar and found him on the couch reading a skate magazine.
“Hey Bam,” I said, taking a seat next to him.
“Hey yourself,” he said putting the magazine down.
“I just wanted to come down and talk, if that is okay with you?”
“I wanted to talk to you too. I’m worried about you Angel. You spend most of your time sleeping and when you are not sleeping I find you crying in a corner somewhere,” Bam said as he sat up.
“I know Bam and I am sorry. I am just having a hard time right now.”
“Angel, you weren’t even this bad right after his death. This is ten times worse than I have ever seen you in the past 10 years.”
“Bam, I don’t know what to tell you except that I will be okay. Everything will be fine, I just need a little time,” I said, hoping I convinced him I would be fine.
“If you ever need anything, and I mean anything, don’t be afraid to ask me, okay?”
“I will Bam, I will,” I said as I got up and placed a light kiss on his lips.
“Thanks,” I said exiting the room.
I went back to my room and laid on the bed, trying to sort out my thoughts. I didn’t get very far because soon I fell asleep.