A New Life

-Sean-
Five days.

That’s how long my baby girls have been alive in this world. Five days.

It’s been the most trying five days of my entire life. I could have never imagined this amount of pain and fear in my entire life. It seems like the only thing going well right now is Maddy. She’s progressing well and gaining weight like she’s supposed to.

Meanwhile, Bella is still struggling to breathe on her own. Her lungs are taking a really long time to develop. Dr. Roberts said it’s a toss up at this point, if she finally develops or not. She said that usually preemies have progressed a lot more by this point than she has. But she’s also seen some take up to a couple weeks to get to a healthy point.

And it’s not like Bella isn’t progressing at all. She is. Just not at the rate that she’s supposed to be.

I feel like a terrible father already. I feel like a failure. My Bella needs help, but there’s nothing I can do for her at this point. It physically hurts to watch her connected to the machine. I want nothing more than to just make her better. I would give her my own lungs, if it was possible.

And if it wasn’t tough enough to have my younger daughter in such a state, my wife is still in a coma. Charlie’s vitals have finally settled, and her body has finally started to heal. But otherwise she’s shown no signs of waking up.

I haven’t left the hospital since we came in here. I haven’t showered since my post-game shower five days ago. I haven’t slept more than an hour here and there. I haven’t eaten much, though my mom has roped a couple of the women into bringing me meals at the hospital. I eat a couple bites to satisfy them at the time, but as soon as they stop paying close attention I stop eating. I claim I’m full and when they leave give it to the nurses on duty.

It’s not healthy. I know that. I noticed my face is already starting to get slimmer the last time I went to the bathroom.

It’s probably selfish. I realize that. I know my girls need me to be at my best physical condition. All three of them need me to be able to play hockey. If I can’t, it’s not like we have anything else to support us. Charlie is a retired veteran with an amputation. I’m not qualified to do anything other than play hockey, since I never went to school. We’re living in a house that was at the top of our budget with my professional athlete salary. And now we’ve got two little girls who both need special care.

The medical bills alone so far are costing us a small fortune. And neither Charlie nor Bella look like they’re going to be leaving any time soon.

But the truth is that I just can’t. Believe me, I’m trying. I want to maintain myself. But how can I at this point? My will is failing me. My strength is weakening. My hope is dying.

Really, I just need my Charlie.

Maddy has progressed enough that she’s now allowed outside of the NICU for an hour each day. So today, I’m bringing her up to Charlie’s room. It’s the first time Charlie will be in the same room as one of our daughters since she gave birth to them.

When I suggested it, Dr. Roberts thought that it was a fantastic idea. Mothers have a strong physical connection to their children, even after they’re born. Having Maddy in the room with her mother might help Charlie’s body feel like it’s complete again. Maybe her brain will rewire itself and tell her body that everything is okay. And then she’ll wake up and we can finally be a complete family.

I pick Maddy up and she blinks her chocolate brown eyes at me. They look so much like Charlie’s eyes that the first time I saw them it took my breath away. I readjust the Flyers hat on her head and kiss her nose.

“Are you ready to go meet mommy?” I ask.

I don’t get a response, but I wasn’t really expecting anything. Bella is the one who responds to my voice more. She’s a lot more animated than Maddy is.

“And how is my Bella?” I ask, turning to my other little girl.

Her eyes are already open and she’s moving her little arms around. I brush my fingers across her skin and she seems to calm down a little bit. Her hand attempts to grab my finger and I move to a better position so that she can.

“You’ll see mommy soon too, my little one.” I promise. “As soon as you two get better.”

I hear a small sniffle and look up to see the nurse who was in here turning around and walking out of the room. I notice her reach up to wipe her eyes.

“Let’s go meet mommy, Maddy.”

With the supervision of one of the nurses, I carry Maddy up to Charlie’s room. As soon as we enter the room, Maddy starts squirming around. She lets out a small cry and it breaks my heart. I can tell she can feel Charlie’s pain.

I sit down carefully on the bed next to Charlie.

“Madison Grace Couturier, meet your mommy. Charlie, meet our beautiful baby girl, Maddy.” I say.

To my disappointment, nothing happens. I don’t know what I was expecting, really. Maybe a miracle? I bring Maddy in and Charlie wakes up, knowing that her little girl needs her. It’s happened in the movies before.

But this isn’t a movie.

“She’s so beautiful, Charlie.” I say. “She has your gorgeous eyes.”

I want Charlie to open her eyes so badly right now. I want her to see for herself what beautiful babies we made together. I want her to hold them in her arms. Nurture them the way only their mother can.

I reach for Charlie’s hand and bring it to my lips, kissing her knuckles. I slowly lower it so that the back of her hand is pressed against Maddy’s cheek.

My little girl responds immediately. Her eyes blow wide open and her head turns into the touch. Her face scrunches and she lets out a small cry. Her body wiggles slightly and I have to hold on tightly to her so I don’t drop her.

“Your little girl needs you, Charlie... They both do...” I whisper.