A New Life

-Sean-

I feel so guilty for actually enjoying my time away from Charlie and the girls. But it was nice to finally get a break from the overwhelming dread that is the hospital. I actually had a real meal. And ate the whole thing! Plus I slept nine straight hours without waking up because machines were going off or I was in an uncomfortable position.

And don’t even get me started on the feeling of actually taking a shower.

This morning, I’m keeping my promise to my coach and general manager by eating a big, healthy breakfast and heading to the rink early to get in a good work out. It feels absolutely amazing to break a sweat. I can already tell the impact the past week has had on my body. I can’t run as fast or lift as much. It’s even more of a wake up call than before.

“Hey! Look who it is!” I hear as I’m cooling down on the stationary bike.
“Well, shit. Welcome back!”

I pull my headphones out of my ears and turn to my teammates, all standing in the door to the weight room.

“Hey guys.” I say.

“How was your night at home?” Brayden asks.
“It was good. I actually slept.”
“Did you eat?” Kimmo asks.
“I did. A big dinner last night and a big breakfast this morning.”
“Good.”

Coach walks by and tells them to get going. They scatter to get ready for practice and he comes into the weight room to talk to me.

“How was your workout this morning?” He asks.
“It felt like a complete failure, actually. But it also felt amazing.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I mean, I’m an athlete. So working out always feels great. Especially after it’s been a while. But I can tell that the past week has left my body weak. I’m out of shape already, and it’s only been a couple days. I-I’m done hurting myself like that. I could hardly lift what I could my rookie year. And I was a skinny little shit then. It’s terrifying, actually. Thinking about how quickly I started to lose everything. I-I’m not doing that anymore.”

He smiles and nods his head.

“I’m proud of you, kid.” He says. “When you’re named captain one day, it’s definitely not going to be a mistake.”

I feel a little heat creep up on my face. I honestly haven’t even thought about that since he and Ron mentioned it yesterday. It definitely makes me proud to hear that they think I have the potential to take on that role. But at the same time, I feel awkward about it. I mean, I’m only twenty two years old and it’s my fourth year in the league. There are plenty of other guys in the locker room I think are more qualified for the position.

Though I guess Giroux isn’t going anywhere any time soon. It’ll be a while before Philadelphia has a new captain. And maybe by then I will be more qualified.

It’s still weird to think about, though. The prospect of being a captain in the NHL.

“Thanks.” I say awkwardly.
“Are you going to see them now?” He asks.
“Yeah. It’s been a little over twelve hours. So I think I’m going to shower and then go over there. I-I miss them already, you know?”
“Oh, I know.” He says. “We had to leave the twins at the hospital for two weeks and Rebecca was released after only four days. So we did the shuffle back and forth between our home and the hospital the whole time.”
“Yeah... Hey chief?”
“Yes?”
“How did you deal with it? Like. Seeing them like that? I mean, they’re so totally helpless. And so small. And there’s absolutely nothing you can do to help them. How did you handle it?”

He pauses.

“To be honest with you, kid, I didn’t. I was a wreck. Every parent is like that when they have a premature birth. When they have a kid in intensive care. It’s just part of the situation. But I got by because I learned that it’s okay to lean on those around you. Granted, I mainly leaned on Rebecca and she leaned on me. But we also took advantage of the family and friends who surrounded us. We let them in and they helped us stay strong when we didn’t think we could be. That’s something that you’re finally allowing yourself to do. It’s really important that you continue to allow others to take care of you. Now get showered and go visit your ladies.”

“Thanks.”

I feel a little better after that talk. It definitely helps to have someone who somewhat understands the turmoil I’ve been going through. Sure, he had his wife with him at the time. He only had to worry about his kids. But he does understand that helpless feeling. And it’s good to hear what he did to get through it.

My shower only takes about five minutes, and then I’m in my car heading to the hospital. Obviously nothing has changed, since no one called me. But I still feel anxious to get there. I need to see my girls and my wife.

I pull in to the parking lot and breeze past the front desk on my way to Charlie’s room. The nurses smile at me and I nod in return. Charlie’s room has completely changed since I was here last. All the furniture is the same, but all the available surfaces have been covered in flowers. Every color imaginable, and every flower known to mankind.

“Who...?”
“The Avs stopped by this morning.” Drew responds.
“Wow.”

It takes my breath away. These are the people that chief was talking about. These are the people I can lean on now that times have gotten tough. I’ve always known that I could lean on my own team, of course. I’ve taken advantage of the fact that we’re a family plenty of times before. But it amazes me how supportive the entire league is.

The pure fact that the team that’s rivaling ours tonight would take time out of their day to seek out Charlie’s hospital room and bring her flowers is amazing. I mean, they’re supposed to be getting ready to play against us. Against me, even though I’m not playing. But instead they do this.

It’s incredible.

“They asked about you, and I told them you went home for a little. A couple of them visited the girls, too. From outside the room of course. But they wished you all the best.”

“How are the girls?” I ask, still somewhat stunned.
“Maddy is doing fantastic. And Izzy is progressing well.”
“I-I’m going to go see them.”

I put my bag down and lean over to kiss my wife’s forehead. Her skin is warmer than it was twelve hours ago. It actually feels somewhat normal. And she’s got more color in her face. She doesn’t look like a ghost of the woman I fell in love with.

The trek down to the NICU is familiar and I smile at every recognizable face I pass. I wash up to my elbows as usual, and dress in the sterile gown. The door is open and I walk through, heading over to my girls.

Maddy’s eyes are open and she smiles a little when I come into her view.
“Hey, baby girl.” I coo. “I missed you.”
I pick her up and kiss her forehead.
“I hear you’re doing fantastic.”

I turn to my other little one and am shocked at the progress she’s mad in just twelve hours. She’s clearly starting to gain wait, finally.

“Look at you, little one.” I say, reaching down to stroke her face.
“She’s progressing very well.” The daytime nurse, Anna, says coming around to hand me a bottle for Maddy. I feel so comfortable with her, since she reminds me of my own mom. They’re about the same age and she has the same mannerisms that my mom sometimes has.
“Is Dr. Roberts here?” I ask, starting to feed my older daughter.
“No, today is one of her clinic days.” She answers.
“Oh, okay.”
“But she did tell me to let you know that both girls are doing fantastic. The delay in Izzy’s development seems to just be a scare. In the past twenty four hours, she’s progressed immensely. We think she might even be able to try breathing on her own in the next couple of days.”
I suck in a breath.
“Really?” I ask.
“Well, possibly. She’ll likely go on a schedule. We’ll start her off with ten minutes without the machine every couple of hours. If she can handle that, we’ll increase the time. Eventually, we’ll wean her off of the machine and she’ll be breathing on her own.”

I look down at my girl. She’s even looking healthier already. Her arms and legs don’t look nearly as fragile as they did. It makes me smile. I know she’s going to be okay. All this worrying has been silly. My little girls are both part of Charlie. Of course they’re fighters. Of course they’re going to survive. And thrive.

“Can I take Maddy up to Charlie’s room today?” I ask.
“Sure. You can take her up now or you can wait until later.”
“I think I’ll wait until later. When Drew and my dad have left for the day. Maybe after lunch.”
“Okay. Just let me know.” The older woman smiles.

She starts to turn away, but I call her back.

“Is it true? That the Avalanche came by today?” I ask.
“It is.” She responds. “Talbot and Briere both asked to see the girls. I couldn’t let them in to hold Maddy, since they’re not blood family. But I brought them both to the window.”
“Thank you.”

She smiles and turns to walk away. I let Maddy finish off the bottle before tucking her back in to her cube. She’s falling asleep, but starts to cry when I go to put her down. So I pick her back up and rock her a little until she’s completely out.

“You’re a natural.” Anna says.
“Nah. I just have a lot of friends who recently had kids. I’ve had a lot of practice.”
“No, honey. Having practice means you know what to do. But you have that special touch. That’s all natural.”

I blush and kiss both of my girls goodbye before heading back up to Charlie’s room.

“How are they?” My dad asks.
“Doing good.” I respond with a smile.
“Are you good on your own, or would you like us to stay a little longer?” Drew asks.
“I’m good now. I’m going to bring Maddy up in a little while. But other than that I’m just going to be here with Charlie.”
“Okay.”

They both say their goodbyes, each of them kissing Charlie before they leave, and then the two of us are left alone in the room.

I stare at my wife, taking in all the angles of her face. I brush my hand through her hair lightly, pushing it behind her ear. I let my fingers stay there, cupping her face.

“I hope you’re not mad at me.” I say. “For leaving for the night. I didn’t want to. But the truth is that I haven’t been taking care of myself. I haven’t been eating, I haven’t been sleeping... Shit, I didn’t even shower for seven days. But I realized how bad that was. I realized you’d probably murder me if you saw how I was treating myself. I needed to do better for you and for the girls. So that’s what I’m going to try to do. I’m going to make sure that I can go back to hockey soon.”

I let my hand drop to Charlie’s for a second, bringing her fingers to my lips. I kiss each knuckle and put it back down.

I decide now is the best time to contact my former teammates.

Thank you
Danny: No need to thank us
Still. I appreciate it
Max: we might not be flyers anymore, but we’re still family. u would do the same for us
I heard you saw the girls
Danny: They’re beautiful
Max: Maddy looks just like Charlie. Izzy looks like u
They’re perfect
I agree, Maddy’s eyes are Charlie’s exactly
Max: u playing 2night?
No. I haven’t been taking care of myself
Danny: You have to take care of yourself
Believe me, I’ve learned that
Max: take care of yourself so we can play u for the cup
Will do

Since I have my phone out, I decide to give my mom a call. We talk for a couple minutes about my workout and the girls. I tell her about Bella’s progression, and how they think she’s going to be ready to start breathing on her own. It makes me tear up to think about my little girl finally being okay. I sniffle a little, and my mom chuckles before calling me a sap. It’s not my fault, though. I just want my little girls to be healthy and happy.

Eventually, she tells me she has to go. She and my dad decided that they wanted to go visit parts of the city now that they feel like they can leave me alone for a little. She makes me promise to eat lunch, and for once I actually mean it when I say that I will.

When we hang up I take out my laptop, determined to watch some video of the past couple games. I need to know what’s been working for my team, and what I need to do to increase our play.

I’ve been watching video for an hour when out of the corner of my eye, I see a small movement. At first, I think nothing of it. But then I realize that Charlie and I are the only ones in the room. And the movement came from her hand.